Breakup.. She wasn't feeling enough of a 'connection'

[GG67]

I'm just trying to get some insight into a recent breakup that I had. Now, I have to put this in perspective, we were only together for a couple of months. But, I did have very strong feelings for this woman, and felt a great connection and rare friendship with her along with the romance.

 

We're both close in age, similar families, both of us have never been married or have any kids. When we met, we immediately hit it off, and couldn't wait to see each other again. It was a little bit long distance (45 minutes), so we didn't see each other every day.

 

We always had a great time together, and she was extremely affectionate towards me.. loved holding my hand, she took me places, made dinner for me (I did the same kinds of things for her), and when we started seeing each other, we couldn't keep our hands off each other (it became physical). But, about a month into it, out of the blue, she told me on the phone that she was having 'doubts' about our compatibility (nothing specific she could finger.. just personality/connection). I was baffled. I had apparently said a couple of things that rubbed her wrong, without realizing it, and I apologized and explained, and everything went back to being great (this 'doubt' all came up right after she had slept over at my house for the first time). Things continued on, and seemed great, and then again, she told me she was unsure, and broke it off. I was really hurt, and wrote her an email when I got home. Spilled my guts a little bit, told her that her friendship meant a lot to me, and what spending time with her had meant to me. She responded, and said that she broke it off because she was still battling her feelings for me, "Or, perhaps finally meeting a man I can have a wonderful, healthy and happy relationship with, and it scares me a little." (she said this in her email, and that she had been disappointed with men in the past). She said I made her special, appreciated, and loved how respectful and genuine I was, and that I was head and shoulders above anyone she had dated (and, she sung me high praise when we were together, too, so I know she wasn't just saying it to make me feel better).

 

She really warmed up after we emailed, and asked if she could come see me. She wanted to give it more time and spend time together (this all happened over the course of a few days.. broke it off with me, then gave it another try).

 

We continued to see each other for the 2nd month, and she was STILL very affectionate, kissed me passionately now and then, loved holding hands, missed me, texted me 'xo' in her messages, etc, did nice little things for me (minus the sex, because she thought maybe we moved too fast without getting to know each other more), told me she feels incredibly comfortable and at ease with me. Then, she broke it off again before Thanksgiving, and said she still didn't feel enough of a connection, and that it just 'wasn't meant to be', and that she was holding back physically/emotionally from me for some reason, and that it felt 'forced' for her on her end. And, she sung me high praise again, and said that we'd both find someone one day where it would be 'easy' and 'natural' to let our guard down with. And, she mentioned that my feelings are too strong too soon, and that she doesn't throw the word 'love' around very easily.

 

I realize I could be in denial because I'm hurt, but I don't buy this, "It just wasn't meant to be", "no connection", etc. How could someone be that affectionate towards you, and not feel a connection? Personally, I don't hold hands with someone and miss them if I'm not into them. Simply put, I think that she got 'numb' when the sex started to require the heart. She seems to think using the word 'love' with someone so fast is not healthy and not something that she does easily (the way that I did with her). However, personally, I myself don't have sex that easily or quickly with someone unless I have feelings for them (so, which is a better and healthier philosophy? Hers, or mine?) Also, I had made off-hand comments when we were together about taking a weekend trip sometime down the road, and that made her uneasy.

 

I know we had a connection. We ALWAYS had a good time together, always showed each other great respect and affection, we were always excited to see each other, and couldn't keep our hands off each other when we met. So, I know we had a connection. I think she got numb and closed her heart, and dismissed me, chalking it up to "I guess I don't feel enough of a connection"/"It wasn't meant to be" when it came to things like relationship/boyfriend-girlfriend-type stuff, or being intimate with her heart.

 

I emailed her once more after the final breakup, and have left her alone since (no texting/emailing/calling). I'm going to send her flowers for Christmas, to let her know that I'm thinking of her. I hope to open communication again after a little more time.

 

Any thoughts/insights would be appreciated. I know I can't make someone love me, but I think she has an intimacy issue. I think we moved a bit fast, and I think she isn't ready to give her heart to anyone. I just don't want her to give up on something that could have been great. I've done it before, myself. I've pushed people away (and regretted a couple of them) out of my own fears, and looked for things to be wrong.

Edited December 5, 2010 by GG67

[welikeincrowds]

There's a lot I could say on the topic of emotion, and about repression, about compatibility in relationships. It would end up just being more opining coming from welikeincrowds.

 

The bottom line is that she is not available to you. She seems to have honestly tried, and is apparently incapable of resolving her conflict. Be aware that it is conflict, which is why she is able to do things like hold your hand and miss you and have feelings for you, while also doubt the relationship. Emotions are complex -- we give names to general concepts of them (fear, anger, shame), but what we actually experience is a soup of chemicals, thoughts, and memories.

 

The best you can do is let her know that she can call you when she's ready, with no guarantee that you'll be waiting.

 

What I would advise is that you walk away from this completely in the meantime, and do not wait for her. I am concerned that your emotions are being pulled in negative directions. This is your heart and you have to take care of it, just as she must take her of hers.

 

It is perfectly alright to long for her, but don't let that shake your conception of the reality, which is that you two are not together as of further notice. Don't send her the flowers, for example. She knows how to reach you.

 

I'm not articulating this very well right now, but I hope my message got through.

[green_tea]

I agree with the above post..you need to move on, even go out with other girls. I know it's hard, but really to me it sounds like she is trying to let you down gently. People can be affectionate without having a deep connection with you - I had a guy do that to me for 5 years before he told me he never felt a bond with me. It does happen. It hurts like hell, because you feel like you could never act that way and therefore it must mean something more, but it doesn't. People do all sorts of things that don't make sense, and there isn't much point in trying to understand why. You just need to understand the end result, which is that they don't want to be with you. Sorry I don't mean to sound harsh.

 

I would advise against sending the flowers, she has broken it off, and she already knows how you feel.

[GG67]

Yeah, I canceled the flowers already. Two weeks NC for me, and I've realized that she doesn't deserve the flowers. I don't mean that in an angry or hurtful way towards her. I just mean that she really took me for granted. She knows I'm the whole package, and she knows where to find me.

[Feelin Frisky]

Yeah, I canceled the flowers already. Two weeks NC for me, and I've realized that she doesn't deserve the flowers. I don't mean that in an angry or hurtful way towards her. I just mean that she really took me for granted. She knows I'm the whole package, and she knows where to find me.

 

 

Kewl. Move on.

 

The dynamic may just be that you're too nice and accessible and something inside her wants there to be more of a game about it all. Females sometimes reject the guys who are easy and "nice" and instead opt to start idolizing someone who makes it hard for them--someone indifferent. It's not "logical"--it's just "natural". I't a power dynamic. Perhaps it's not in your case but this is not unusual. So, shut her out. And if she comes weasling back in, act like she blew it and make her do pennance--don't be "nice" again about it.

[GG67]

Okay, I need some more insight. I have made NO CONTACT in 22 days. Nothing. She emailed me tonight. She was responding to my last email (sent just a few days after the break up), claiming that she 'couldn't remember' if she had responded (???)

 

Anyway, she basically said the same things as before (not meant to be, it felt 'forced' on her end, but that I possess MANY qualities she's looking for, however she's 'at peace' with her decision to break up).

 

Is this a 2nd (unsolicited) rejection for me, 22 days later?? LOL However, at the end, she DOES suggest meeting up for one of our favorite meals sometime (but, as 'friends', if I'd be up to that)

 

Can anyone make heads or tails of this?? I have made absolutely NO contact with her since she first told me all of this. This was not solicited by me.

[Pfiend101]

STAY NC. Dont respond to her last Email. DONT be friends. It's to ease her guilt.

[GG67]

In other words, she wants me to help convince her that she's 'at peace' with her decision?

[Imajerk17]

Well, pining over a fantasy guy is easy. A real relationship, where you're probably moving towards permanent commitment with someone who has flaws (i.e., you, just as every other human being) is hard. For one thing, you have to give up your freedom.

 

It sounds to me that she first wondered how she could get you, and then after she got you, wondered if she really wants to be in a serious relationship. Maybe she was afraid of being "swallowed up". That sucks.

 

I'm curious what you might have said that caused her to "have doubts".

Edited December 14, 2010 by Imajerk17

[GG67]

I'm curious what you might have said that caused her to "have doubts".

 

Me, too. Nothing that I'm aware of. Just one of those non-specific 'looking for something wrong' issues. To this day, she's never really been very specific. I'm not sure she even knows why she has doubts.

[hoping2heal]

I'm just trying to get some insight into a recent breakup that I had. Now, I have to put this in perspective, we were only together for a couple of months. But, I did have very strong feelings for this woman, and felt a great connection and rare friendship with her along with the romance.

 

We're both close in age, similar families, both of us have never been married or have any kids. When we met, we immediately hit it off, and couldn't wait to see each other again. It was a little bit long distance (45 minutes), so we didn't see each other every day.

 

We always had a great time together, and she was extremely affectionate towards me.. loved holding my hand, she took me places, made dinner for me (I did the same kinds of things for her), and when we started seeing each other, we couldn't keep our hands off each other (it became physical). But, about a month into it, out of the blue, she told me on the phone that she was having 'doubts' about our compatibility (nothing specific she could finger.. just personality/connection). I was baffled. I had apparently said a couple of things that rubbed her wrong, without realizing it, and I apologized and explained, and everything went back to being great (this 'doubt' all came up right after she had slept over at my house for the first time). Things continued on, and seemed great, and then again, she told me she was unsure, and broke it off. I was really hurt, and wrote her an email when I got home. Spilled my guts a little bit, told her that her friendship meant a lot to me, and what spending time with her had meant to me. She responded, and said that she broke it off because she was still battling her feelings for me, "Or, perhaps finally meeting a man I can have a wonderful, healthy and happy relationship with, and it scares me a little." (she said this in her email, and that she had been disappointed with men in the past). She said I made her special, appreciated, and loved how respectful and genuine I was, and that I was head and shoulders above anyone she had dated (and, she sung me high praise when we were together, too, so I know she wasn't just saying it to make me feel better).

 

She really warmed up after we emailed, and asked if she could come see me. She wanted to give it more time and spend time together (this all happened over the course of a few days.. broke it off with me, then gave it another try).

 

We continued to see each other for the 2nd month, and she was STILL very affectionate, kissed me passionately now and then, loved holding hands, missed me, texted me 'xo' in her messages, etc, did nice little things for me (minus the sex, because she thought maybe we moved too fast without getting to know each other more), told me she feels incredibly comfortable and at ease with me. Then, she broke it off again before Thanksgiving, and said she still didn't feel enough of a connection, and that it just 'wasn't meant to be', and that she was holding back physically/emotionally from me for some reason, and that it felt 'forced' for her on her end. And, she sung me high praise again, and said that we'd both find someone one day where it would be 'easy' and 'natural' to let our guard down with. And, she mentioned that my feelings are too strong too soon, and that she doesn't throw the word 'love' around very easily.

 

I realize I could be in denial because I'm hurt, but I don't buy this, "It just wasn't meant to be", "no connection", etc. How could someone be that affectionate towards you, and not feel a connection? Personally, I don't hold hands with someone and miss them if I'm not into them. Simply put, I think that she got 'numb' when the sex started to require the heart. She seems to think using the word 'love' with someone so fast is not healthy and not something that she does easily (the way that I did with her). However, personally, I myself don't have sex that easily or quickly with someone unless I have feelings for them (so, which is a better and healthier philosophy? Hers, or mine?) Also, I had made off-hand comments when we were together about taking a weekend trip sometime down the road, and that made her uneasy.

 

I know we had a connection. We ALWAYS had a good time together, always showed each other great respect and affection, we were always excited to see each other, and couldn't keep our hands off each other when we met. So, I know we had a connection. I think she got numb and closed her heart, and dismissed me, chalking it up to "I guess I don't feel enough of a connection"/"It wasn't meant to be" when it came to things like relationship/boyfriend-girlfriend-type stuff, or being intimate with her heart.

 

I emailed her once more after the final breakup, and have left her alone since (no texting/emailing/calling). I'm going to send her flowers for Christmas, to let her know that I'm thinking of her. I hope to open communication again after a little more time.

 

Any thoughts/insights would be appreciated. I know I can't make someone love me, but I think she has an intimacy issue. I think we moved a bit fast, and I think she isn't ready to give her heart to anyone. I just don't want her to give up on something that could have been great. I've done it before, myself. I've pushed people away (and regretted a couple of them) out of my own fears, and looked for things to be wrong.

 

Well, never underestimate the power unresolved issues. It can be hard to spot people who are very unstable and a mess when it comes to relationships. They might outwardly appear successful or very put together, etc.

 

She mentioned that you were a man she could finally have a healthy relationship and it scared her a bit. That is code word for many things. Most of them being trouble ahead. If a woman can't handle being in a healthy relationship it is likely to be a roller coaster of nonsense that follows and well? Yep, that is basically what you got precisely.

 

I personally don't buy what she said about no connection, etc either. However, I also think it matters very little considering the position she is in. I would let this one go because you aren't her therapist and shouldn't be either.

[Imajerk17]

Me, too. Nothing that I'm aware of. Just one of those non-specific 'looking for something wrong' issues. To this day, she's never really been very specific. I'm not sure she even knows why she has doubts.

 

Then it is probably a fear of being "swallowed up" in some way.

 

The best thing you can do for yourself is move on. That is the only way she will see what she is missing.

 

EDIT: What hoping2heal said too.

Edited December 14, 2010 by Imajerk17

[GG67]

Yeah, I'm moving on. Haven't responded. She's a smart woman. She'll figure it out one day (maybe starting to, now). She's obviously still thinking about my email and pondering certain issues 22 days after I wrote it (and with NC). So, she can't be that 'at peace' if she's writing me again. But, I'm not waiting around for her to figure it out.

Edited December 14, 2010 by GG67

[Pfiend101]

Good for you! Now... go get laid and take your mind off of it.

[sally4sara]

I've had this happen with a couple of short term relationships.

 

They were not rude or dumb. It wasn't down to some obvious personality flaw or anything like that. Just nothing to really get worked up about either. And while I was waiting for something to tip the balance one way or the other, I could tell that the relationship was quickly becoming an uneven playing field for us. They were way more into me than I was into them and that just felt more and more like pressure to feel something more. Almost as if I owed them something extra for not being another rude loser when hey! I'm not a rude loser either.

[Feelin Frisky]

Well, now you know what it feels like to be the dumpee. Getting over it with resulve is your way to dump her to some extent. Close it out and keep to it. Good luck.