Lack of touching -- Emotional barrier?

[Nick Diamond]

I've always agreed with the generally accepted signs of flirting/interest: smiling, eye contact, touching, etc. I realize that some women are natural flirts and have no trouble displaying all of these signs, even when there is no real interest on their part. But the point of this post isn't really about flirting, but about level of interest or connection and emotional barriers. One of those signs of interest, or lack thereof, has had me puzzled in both past and current experiences: touching.

 

Usually when I'm getting acquainted with a woman, once she starts touching me or brushing against me (especially if I know she's not a very touch-feely person), I know the interest level is probably high, and I can move forward. But has anyone ever experienced the opposite of this where a woman is almost scared to touch you? Like there is some emotional barrier there keeping her from doing it. I've been told before that I can be intimidating, if that has anything to do with it, but I don't see it that way at all; I think I'm very approachable, friendly, and open. I've come across this several times in past experiences, in which I get every other sign of interest from a woman, with the exception of touching, and in every one of those situations, I came to find out later that these women's interest levels were through the roof, but progress was never made because neither one of us could break that barrier. The same can be said for me: once a woman touches me that first time, I feel comfortable with touching her because it's like I've been given the green light. But there's always something keeping me from touching a woman if she hasn't initiated it first. Has anyone else ever experienced this?

 

For example, I've been stuck in this very situation with a woman from school for the last couple of months. We started out as friends, but we have started to connect on a bit of a different level as of late. I can tell her interest level is high and she shows every sign of interest with the exception of one: touching. We've never made contact of any kind. She's not the touchy-feely type, but I've seen her touch other men before like it was nothing, and I know she has no interest in them.

 

So my point of this whole thing is to find out from women: Can lack of touching mean interest, especially if she touches other men? Is it an emotional barrier that can keep a woman from touching a man that she's interested in? What can be done to break it?

[Disillusioned]

Also take cultural factors into account. People in some parts of the world might even feel insulted by touching.

 

Interestingly, it's both the most progressive AND the most homophobic cultures in which it's ok for men to hold each other's hand when walking in public.

[eerie_reverie]

I am careful NOT to touch when I feel strong chemistry but am not prepared to go anywhere sexually.

 

This happens with MOST guys I really like because I don't want them to feel like I'm throwing myself at them.

[runner]

this is pretty interesting. i've also been in this situation where the girl would give me all the other right signs, yet be kind of distant physically. i won't elaborate since the OP hit most of the points i would have added.

 

now i'm curious to see how other women respond to this. *bump*

[In The Green]

I am guilty of doing this.

[Disillusioned]

I don't mind a woman holding my hand on the 2nd date or afterward, or even letting her hug me... but I have a thing for women with long hair, I'm so tempted to touch it and run my fingers through it. But I understand some women find this annoying.

[denise_xo]

I'm generally quite expressive, both verbally and physically, of affection (at times maybe even too much so but I try to keep a check on myself ), and I'm also a woman who is generally not afraid to take initiative. But there has been one or maybe two exceptions where I have been completely in awe with a man and where I've purposefully avoided touching him or holding eye contact for longer that what would be 'normal' interaction. I think I was kind of infatuated to the point of intimidation, if that makes any sense. I guess it was also self protection as I considered him unattainable and I just took for granted that he had no romantic interest in me. Touching other men in a friendly way is a completely different cup of tea in that context because it's a no risk endeavor (as in, no feelings involved).

 

So, that's my experience, but I've no idea if that's what applies to your situation. In terms of what can be done to break it: to me it would be establishing that there is interest. In the case above, I did switch when I finally realised that he had a thing for me.

 

Btw I wouldn't be annoyed by a man running his fingers through my hair. I think that's nice.

[Nick Diamond]

I'm generally quite expressive, both verbally and physically, of affection (at times maybe even too much so but I try to keep a check on myself ), and I'm also a woman who is generally not afraid to take initiative. But there has been one or maybe two exceptions where I have been completely in awe with a man and where I've purposefully avoided touching him or holding eye contact for longer that what would be 'normal' interaction. I think I was kind of infatuated to the point of intimidation, if that makes any sense. I guess it was also self protection as I considered him unattainable and I just took for granted that he had no romantic interest in me. Touching other men in a friendly way is a completely different cup of tea in that context because it's a no risk endeavor (as in, no feelings involved).

 

So, that's my experience, but I've no idea if that's what applies to your situation. In terms of what can be done to break it: to me it would be establishing that there is interest. In the case above, I did switch when I finally realised that he had a thing for me.

 

I think you've hit on something as far as intimidation and considering the other person to be unattainable. I'll admit that I am also guilty of not touching someone when there is high interest, as is true in my current situation. I think for me, maybe it's a combination of intimidation and the uncertainty of it all. Like no matter how sure you are that the other person is interested in you, there's that small part of you that is scared to touch him or her because of fear of the feeling not being mutual or returned. Or maybe, as you said, they are seen as unattainable, almost as though we're not allowed to touch them. Does anyone else feel the same way?

[Nick Diamond]

In terms of what can be done to break it: to me it would be establishing that there is interest.

 

That's exactly what has me puzzled about the whole situation: it's obvious that we're interested in each other, but neither of us can break that barrier. I've thought before about brushing her hand as I give something to her (which if a girl did that to me, would be completely obvious that it was intentional), or maybe something a little bolder such as briefly touching the middle of her back as I hold a door open for her. My goal is to be as non-threatening as possible, yet break that initial barrier. Any ideas?

[runner]

i don't think it can ever be completely non-threatening in absolute terms. just sit close enough to each other, long enough, and some contact is likely to happen if, granted, you're both attracted to each other in the first place.

[denise_xo]

That's exactly what has me puzzled about the whole situation: it's obvious that we're interested in each other, but neither of us can break that barrier. I've thought before about brushing her hand as I give something to her (which if a girl did that to me, would be completely obvious that it was intentional), or maybe something a little bolder such as briefly touching the middle of her back as I hold a door open for her. My goal is to be as non-threatening as possible, yet break that initial barrier. Any ideas?

 

My only idea would be making your interest really explicit. With this guy I was referring to above, I think in hindsight it was pretty obvious to him that he was showing me interest. He asked me out on a date, in the process of asking me out made me reassure him that I wouldn't stand him up, we spent seven hours together and he was super sweet the whole day, during that time he found several ways of gently touching my arm or back as we were maneuvering our way through a museum, across the city, etc. But in my mind, it was all just about him being a gentleman and killing a bit of time in a friendly way and nothing to do with me personally. My default position (especially back then when I was considerably younger than I am now) was one of never assuming interest on the part of a man, because I had generally never received much attention from men and due to various mental issues I was having at the time I didn't consider myself very 'loveable'. So the thought that this man who I absolutely adored actually liked me was just unthinkable.

 

Those details are probably quite specific to my situation and I'm not saying they apply to this girl you're seeing - but the bottom line is just be a bit on the offensive, especially since you know that she likes you. Those examples you're giving are a bit too non-threatening, or like runner is implying, maybe you're seeing potential 'threat' where there is none. I vote definitely go for what you're describing AND a bit more Good luck.

Edited December 6, 2010 by denise_xo