joely878 Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 There is a big problem going on and if possible, it would be helpful obtaining some advice here. I'm engaged to a black woman and the wedding will be on the starting of June 2011. My father is the only one I can trust about any subject and he has always accepted her from one day, he adores her. However, neither my mother nor the others know about it yet. They have never met her before (though they keep asking who I'm dating, they're clueless about the wedding). My mother for some unknown reason hates blacks and so do the others except. Can someone tell me how can my father and I explain this to my mother and others without creating huge dramas or arguments? This is the first time I've ever been involved with a black woman. Any helpful advice please.
12yearsin Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 You just have to just do it like ripping off a bandaid. Your family should accept you no matter what.
Feelin Frisky Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 No easy answer w/o knowing more. I had the same situation only I had no plans of marriage. My dad encouraged me to feel free to "go anywhere" (if you know what I mean) but also cautioned me who not to bring home to mom. My mother on the other hand didn't "hate" blacks. But the issue was that I was the oldest of of eight children who mostly followed me a year apart in age until the last few. There were a lot of issues and pressures about me setting the example and all that crap and things were different then. Now that most of my sibs are grown and married or w/e, I'm sure my mother wouldn't have a negative opinion and be happy for me if I were to love a black woman again and this time get married. It was problematic back in my early 20's but not now two decades plus later. So, I can't give advice just on the grounds of you being a mixed couple. But if you're getting married, you gotta do something and do it sooner than later. Maybe you should tell your mother and then invite her out for lunch or something to introduce your g/f. If your g/f has a good personality and she asserts herself, your mother may take to liking her. The more of a secret it is--the more obsessing there is that will go on making it a bigger thing. I say try to keep that from happening by getting your g/f some time around your mother so that it's not a "black" but the girl's name you love that she tends to belabor in her mind. Good luck.
denise_xo Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 (edited) There is a big problem going on and if possible, it would be helpful obtaining some advice here. I'm engaged to a black woman and the wedding will be on the starting of June 2011. My father is the only one I can trust about any subject and he has always accepted her from one day, he adores her. However, neither my mother nor the others know about it yet. They have never met her before (though they keep asking who I'm dating, they're clueless about the wedding). My mother for some unknown reason hates blacks and so do the others except. Can someone tell me how can my father and I explain this to my mother and others without creating huge dramas or arguments? This is the first time I've ever been involved with a black woman. Any helpful advice please. I don't have any good advice to give you on how to make this drama free, I went the dramatic route but then I've never been diplomatically minded with my family. When I told my mother I was getting married to a person with a different background (nationally and religiously) she absolutely flipped on me and I had her crying and being hysterical on the phone for several weeks/months. It was bloody hard work. In the end she came around because she got my H answering my phone when I was out and then decided to have a conversation with him. That turned everything around, but this was after I had given up hoping for any constructive movement on the topic. In short, I just made a choice (the man over family) and stuck to that. Reconciliation came more by accident than by design. ETA: IME, what generally gets people to overcome stereotypes and prejudice is human interaction. If your family can interact with her and get to know her and see what a beautiful person she is, then that's your best bet I think. Edited December 5, 2010 by denise_xo
Lauriebell82 Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 Maybe you should tell your mother and then invite her out for lunch or something to introduce your g/f. If your g/f has a good personality and she asserts herself, your mother may take to liking her. The more of a secret it is--the more obsessing there is that will go on making it a bigger thing. I say try to keep that from happening by getting your g/f some time around your mother so that it's not a "black" but the girl's name you love that she tends to belabor in her mind. Good luck. I totally agree with this. I would not even mention her race to your mother prior to meeting her. Let her (your fiancee) make her own impression, and win your mother over. Would your mother go as far as to be rude to her face when she learns she is black? Either way, if your mother and some of your family is racist, then there is possibility for some drama. But if you stand your ground and say you are marrying her no matter what anyone thinks, then they may realize they will have to accept your choice or lose you.
Recommended Posts