AlisaMarie Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 I feel that 99% of my thoughts are consumed by my ex these days. Besides the obvious (pamper yourself... get out of the house) stuff. What are ways you keep you ex from haunting your every thought? I see different things suggested throughout posts, but I though it would be nice to have a list to help everyone out... plus, everything I do doesn't work. What works/worked for you?
Eternity001 Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 Not much works for me either but it does become less of a concern over time. May not seem like it now but you'll start to realise it eventually. It'll dawn on you after awhile that you're thinking about it less and less and when you do think about it, it affects you less and less. You just have to acknowledge these times when they happen and realise that it's positive.
Margot Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 I feel that 99% of my thoughts are consumed by my ex these days. Besides the obvious (pamper yourself... get out of the house) stuff. What are ways you keep you ex from haunting your every thought? I see different things suggested throughout posts, but I though it would be nice to have a list to help everyone out... plus, everything I do doesn't work. What works/worked for you? Hi Alisa, My ex is in my mind 95% of the time. Everything I do, see, hear, eat, drink, smell, reminds me of him and our time together. Yes I go out, talk to people, browse stuff in the web. But what really had helped me keep my mind of him is my short term and long term goals. I planned a trip for this christmas vacation in another state. I'm going to visit my bestfriend from high school and just planning the places I want to go and visits helps me don't think about him a lot. I have also applied for a Ph.D. graduate program for next fall and all the applications process and articles I have to write had helped focus on that and not on him. I just try to set myself goals and focus on them. I got a nextflix account and I just watch a lot of movies and I made a movie journal. I used to watch lots of movies with my ex, we discussed them and we also had movie trivia with our friends. We no longer do that so instead I write in my movie journal or post my thoughts on my twitter account. You should find a hobbie or anything like that so you can keep busy. I know is not easy and I can't deny you that when I wake up in the morning I think of him and when I go to bed is the same...But hey it will take time for us to get over this guys but I know is not impossible.
nsearch4u Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 i read a book. The Joy of Living. the author, Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche, is a buddhist monk. I'm not buddhist and dont have any plans to convert but the book was absolutely perfect for dealing with these thoughts. Its more of a "why do we think it and what to do about it" so dont let the buddist part keep you from reading it. It talks about working with your thoughts and using them to get forward....That they're neither good or bad, just thoughts. Of course i certainly believe there are "bad thoughts" but these that we have about our ex's arent necessarily bad thoughts.....this book helped me to use them constructively.....to pull out the positive from them and then how to keep them from replaying in my head.... So, basically, it teaches you to work with your thoughts and not be pulled down by them.....to embrace them and keep going.....It saved my butt from a lot of depression im sure......
b_rouse Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 You won't be completely cured overnight. This takes progress. Each day you'll get stronger and it'll effect you less. What I have written above my bed is: "One more day stronger! :)" And I look at it and feel empowered. Sure, there are times throughout the day where some smell, sight, sound...etc will trigger a memory. And I just smile, and move on with my life. Course, it helps a lot that finals are coming up in a matter of weeks, so I'm studying like it's nobodies business! Plus, currently I'm writing my 10 page final paper for one of my classes, so all my focus is on that. Who knows how I'll act when Christmas break initiates. But we'll deal with that when it happens. Key is one day at a time.
nsearch4u Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 i like your signature line b rouse.....when my ex departed my thought was "the best revenge is living well".....Its quite true too.....
Author AlisaMarie Posted December 5, 2010 Author Posted December 5, 2010 Well tonight I went to a best girlfriend and we had some drinks... but most of the convo was about what an @ss my ex is. ha ha... Oh well.. had to vent. Keep the suggestions coming because I am feeling better every day!
dk.bnz.chi Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 i usually go and f..k other girls( like i was doing before anyway),and the next day focus on myself(gym,food,clothes,tanning,etc) and business
Fern Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 I find that trying to think of something else only makes it worse - so I work WITH the thoughts as best I can. I police the negative thoughts by correcting them when they happen and by reminding myself of all the bad things about my ex and all the reasons I'm better off without him. I think positive things about myself and visualise him looking really bad. I've been trying the visualisation stuff for about a week now and it's SHOCKINGLY effective. I remind myself that my imaginings about how happy he is now with his new girl and how over me he is already (etc etc) are just that - IMAGINATION. I have no idea what's going on in his life. For all I know it's TERRIBLE and even if it's not terrible - it's not likely to be as good as my fevered imagination makes it out to be. I just try to be kind to myself in my own brain and harsh on him. It helps. I bought a book called 'I can mend your broken heart' by Paul McKenna, the hypnotist and some other guy, an NLP expert I think - and it has helped me to change the WAY I think about the break-up even if I can't control how often I think about it. I've gone from being VERY upset and anxious to being quite positive and hopeful in less than a week. I don't think that can be explained ENTIRELY by the passage of time and by NC. However I'm still sticking with the NC and I wouldn't like to say I'm totally fine now - I'm not going to test that hypothesis until it's been 6 months (end of January), but I feel INFINITELY better this week than I did even last week. Positive thinking is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Fake it till you make it etc. You probably can't stop yourself obsessing over him - what you CAN do, is pay more attention to what you say to yourself about the breakup. Don't allow yourself to be unduly negative.
dk.bnz.chi Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 and i forgot to say to drink a lot of water
jquest1280 Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 I feel that 99% of my thoughts are consumed by my ex these days. Besides the obvious (pamper yourself... get out of the house) stuff. What are ways you keep you ex from haunting your every thought? My sympathies; I thought of my ex every single day, first thought in the morning, and last thought at night, for over 3 years after the breakup. I had a full-time and mentally demanding job, and lived in four countries/cities in those 3 years due to job movement - giving me new cultures, languages, and routines to expend brainpower on - but it still wasn't enough to keep thoughts of him out, because there will always be moments, lasting seconds, or a few minutes when the brain won't be occupied, and then thoughts of him creep in. But, yes, as the others have related it, it was with diminishing intensity and longing. So work, study, travel, take up a hobby - all these suggestions have one purpose: to give your brain something else to do. I also found that if I couldn't avoid places that reminded me of him, the answer was to create new memories in those places - bring your friends there, for instance, and have fun with them. Put one up over the brain. The time finally came when I realized he no longer haunted my thoughts; I quite like it, I feel happy and strong, and certainly very wise. You'll get there too.
melenkurion Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 I'd wondered about getting that book Fern, it's interesting to know that it has helped you. One thing that has really helped is getting away for a few days. I'm not sure that it's a sustainable solution, and it won't work for everyone. I went to London this last weekend to visit some friends, and he was pretty much out of my mind all the time I was there. We were just too busy, basically, and the surroundings were new to me. That couple of days away cheered me up so much, I think at least in part because he had been out of my mind so much more than normal.
cerridwen Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 (edited) I'm learning to be less self-absorbed and that's helped me focus less on myself and my ex. The only thing that's helping me is imagining sitting down with someone who has experienced a devastating problem, and attempting to unburden myself upon him/her with my break up troubles. Can you imagine talking about the woes of your breakup to somebody who just lost a child or a husband or a wife, their home, their legs, so on? I picture myself listening to the story of someone who lost a family member on 9/11 only to interrupt them and say "Did I tell you about my cheating boyfriend?" This isn't to diminish some people's pain on this board. There are people who are experiencing grief on the order of someone dying. People are divorcing which some liken to a death. I'm simply sharing what has helped me with repetitive thinking in my situation. And that is by putting things into perspective. Edited December 8, 2010 by cerridwen
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