If life experiences are about learning... what lessons does an Affair teach

[Kismetly]

I havne't posted for a while. I've been thinking and considering my options.

 

I've been working abroad and haven't seen my affair partner for about a month. We still talk every day and the "connection" (yeah, gag ) is still strong. He's my confidant and at times mentor, and professionally he uses me as a mentor.

 

I've been offered a 6 month contract in the small remote place he works. I suspect he was behind it, and I'm seriously considering taking it. It's a good career opportunity and it would give us 6 months of living in the same place ... except for his visits out to "see his children" every 2 or 3 weeks. When he "sees his children" he stays at the family home.

 

On this anonymous discussion board, I can say this, and it's the only place I can say it ... there is a part of me that thinks if we can have this 6 months I could use it to figure out if he is actually the sort of man I would want a long term relationship with if he were available.

 

The flip-side to that is, if he leaves his partner, and then starts a relationship with me it's going to be pretty obvious to everyone in our small community and profession that we've been having an affair ... and that makes me feel sick, I'm ashamed of my behaviour, sleeping with and having an emotional relationship with a man who is in a committed partnership. I'm ashamed that I'm potentially contributing to the ending of his relationship (he says it's been over for a long time and he just needed a reason to move on .... although he's still worried about his children etc so there's no real commitment on his part to leaving his relationship).

 

But back to what I'm really thinking about. I sincerely believe that all our experiences in life are sent to teach us something. I know that he has taught me a lot about professional integrity; he's taught me a lot about being consistent with who I say I am in the work that I do; he's taught me about identifying and railing against social injustice in the wider world. What confuses the heck out of me, is that to be true to those values at a macro level, in social and economic devleopment of marginal groups is one thing, but what about those values as they relate to his partner?

 

By continuing this "relationship" (for want of a better word) I'm not being consistant at all to those values.

 

So what is an affair supposed to teach us? What am I supposed to be learning from this?

 

Is it that no matter how much you want something, you can't always have it?

 

Is it that behaving consistantly with your values is all about sacrifice and giving up the good stuff that's on offer?

 

Is it that just maybe "love conquers all" - although which love? His original "love" with the mother of his children or this "love" with me which we kid ourselves is based on shared social and political values, and jolly good sex.

 

I think I'm answering my own questions and I just don't want to hear the answer.

 

I'm so cross with myself. In my heart, doing what is "right" for his partner and children would mean ending this relationship and staying the heck away from him. But doing what is "right" for me, would mean going and working with him for 6 months and seeing if I do want a long term relationship with him and if we are compatible and being available to him if he does leave his relationship.

 

What am I doing?

[OpenBook]

What lessons does an A teach? That the "dark path" can be remarkably seductive. That when you avoid it, it feels like you are turning away from the most amazing experiences in life - this is one of the cruelest, most powerful and overwhelming illusions about it. That when you choose it, you end up losing yourself. And that you (and no one else) are responsible for the consequences of each choice you make.

 

Don't take that job, Kismetly!!!

[woinlove]

As you can see from many threads here, for some an affair teaches them they do not want to ever get involved with a MM/MW again because most don't leave their marriages and even if they do, the ending of the marriage can take years with a lot of drama and pain for everyone involved.

 

However, it seems that you haven't experienced that kind of pain yet, and it sounds like your current lesson is about what your values really are and what values you want in a partner. It seems that MM's story about his marriage/separation has evolved in time. Perhaps this is fine with you, as you have hinted before that you didn't want to know the truth. Only you can decide if this is the kind of partner you want.

 

More important is deciding what kind of person you want to be. As to personal and global values differing, people values are only tested when they collide with self-interest. If it doesn't cost you much, that is not a real test as to how much those values mean to you. Sounds like you are doing some soul-searching about what values you hold dear.

 

that makes me feel sick, I'm ashamed of my behaviour

 

There's a great lesson right there.

[jj33]

Its so sad to meet someone you think you could spend your life with and then find that your own values wont allow you to pursue the relationship.

 

But it sounds like that is the situation you are in.

 

If you dont take the job you wont know what could be.

 

If you do take the job you will be acting against your values and you will be too ashamed to ever take the relatoinship out into the open.

 

So it sounds like going there will only bring you more pain because in the end YOU dont want anyone to know.

 

Dont take the job. Look back on this fondly and remember the love you shared. As much as the idea pains you, going against your values will only hurt you more in the end.

[bentnotbroken]

OP, how do you feel about the questions you asked?

[Breezy Trousers]

what lessons does an a teach? That the "dark path" can be remarkably seductive. That when you avoid it, it feels like you are turning away from the most amazing experiences in life - this is one of the cruelest, most powerful and overwhelming illusions about it. That when you choose it, you end up losing yourself. And that you (and no one else) are responsible for the consequences of each choice you make.

 

Don't take that job, kismetly!!!

 

 

well said!

[whichwayisup]

On this anonymous discussion board, I can say this, and it's the only place I can say it ... there is a part of me that thinks if we can have this 6 months I could use it to figure out if he is actually the sort of man I would want a long term relationship with if he were available.

 

Honestly why bother? Unless you want to suffer, have pain. It's up to you, decide whether 6 months (minus times he goes home to wife and kids) of those stolen moments with him are worth it.

 

The bottomline is, he ISN'T available, he has no plans on divorcing his wife.

 

Noone knows about this affair I assume, so knowingly going after someone you have to keep a big secret, another added aspect of pain.

 

You go work with him, you'll ruin your reputation as well.

[whichwayisup]

I'm so cross with myself. In my heart, doing what is "right" for his partner and children would mean ending this relationship and staying the heck away from him. But doing what is "right" for me, would mean going and working with him for 6 months and seeing if I do want a long term relationship with him and if we are compatible and being available to him if he does leave his relationship.

 

You should be cross with yourself. You've fallen for a man who already has a life built with someone else and are willing to mess yourself up, be hurt badly by "hoping" maybe one day he'll leave and be with you.

 

Let's say he turns out to be the man of your dreams, everything clicks..except he keeps telling you "i am not leaving or divorcing my wife" what then? Stay the OW, a secret forever? YOU lose out. No family of your own, ever, if you stick with him.

[jj33]

Ah I didnt focus on the If.

 

Honey this is a no brainer. This is against your values so why are you going to even consider moving to spend time with someone you arent even sure if you could spend your life with and even if you could, taking the relationship public would humiliate you and ruin your professoinal reputation.

 

Love does NOT conqueror all. If it did, he would be meeting you half way and you would not be in this position.

[Breezy Trousers]

I'll share two experiences with you --

 

I was tempted to have an affair at work two years ago. I worked very hard to avoid the seductive pull toward MM ... The man would wait for me when he knew I was leaving the office, so I reworked my hours. I never walked anywhere near his work area. etc However, avoiding him didn't lessen my obsession with him. It didn't lessen his obsession with me, either, apparently. I even told my husband about the obsession because I felt guilty about keeping it a secret. He was sympathetic (he's had two affairs) but warned me, "You don't know men like I know men. Be careful."

 

This man was uber-powerful at my workplace. I was enchanted with that, I suppose. His intense attention made me feel special ... Understand that I had a limited dating/sex life -- two boyfriends my entire life, and I married the second boyfriend ages ago! So, as I slid toward middle age, this "opportunity" from a sexy, powerful boss man -- a CHURCH and FAMILY man with no reputation for fooling around! -- was tempting. I didn't want to marry him. I just wanted one intense sexual experience. However, something told me that this man wouldn't leave it at that.... He had to have control. I didn't understand why I had this hunch.

 

While I was struggling with this, my best friend began an affair with a married boss. Unlike me, she was single. She felt her MM's wife was middle-aged and dowdy compared to her. She was certain that she and this man's connection would eventually lead to marriage. She kept saying to me, "You're missing so much! Life is passing you by! Jump in, the water is fine! It's incredible! We have such an intense connection, and I know you and X are feeling the same thing, but you won't follow your heart! He wants this as bad as you do! You'll look back on this when you're 80 and regret not pursuing this!" Arrggggghh... I knew I was doing the right thing by my marriage, his marriage, our workplace and the community. However, I seriously questioned whether I was doing the right thing by myself.

 

Fast forward two years later. The man I so admired turns out to be frighteningly abusive. He wears a smooth mask in public but I've seen the horror behind that mask on several occasions. He blew up a number of times last April when I politely ignored him. His behavior was so frightening that I called a domestic abuse hotline for advice, because I was terrified his behavior would escalate. (It didn't, but he still frightens me with rageful looks, only to turn around and act completely cheery with passersby. The man is crazy.) .... Then, in Sept., I heard he was having an affair with someone else at the workplace. So much for my specialness! lol ... Thankfully, my values protected me. I didn't let him close enough to harm my soul, so the only pain I had was letting go of my illusion that he was Mr. Wonderful ...

 

My girlfriend did not fare as well. Her workplace love affair crashed and burned after one year. The man dumped her and didn't return her calls. He never gave her closure. Told her he didn't want to discuss it. The End. Then, six months after he dumped her, word got to HR that they may be having an affair. Both denied it, but were told that if it was discovered there was truth to the allegations, they would both be fired. Within several months, she decided to get another job to get away from the embarrassment at the workplace (many people began treating her differently -- not him!). It hurt her to see this man each day at the office, pretending she no longer existed. She did things sexually with this man that she would have never done on her own. This, as well as his acting as if she was a nothing after one year of intense "connection," has really damaged her self-esteem. She held out hope that he might call her once she began her new job -- she believed he acted cold toward her only because they worked together and became too close, which frightened him. However, he hasn't called her at all. To make matters worse, the MM's secretary confided to her that he frequently gets calls from a paralegal (he lost his last job due to having an affair with a paralegal) and that he also gets calls from an associate who suddenly left their workplace a year ago.

 

I'm not trying to scare you, but I'm telling you of two honest and recent experiences with this. Others may have different, much happier experiences.

 

It's a tough call for you, but I don't recommend pursuing an affair. Boundaries are there to protect us, not to rain on our parade. However, regardless of what you choose, I know you'll learn a lot.

Edited December 5, 2010 by Breezy Trousers

[jwi71]

On this anonymous discussion board, I can say this, and it's the only place I can say it ... there is a part of me that thinks if we can have this 6 months I could use it to figure out if he is actually the sort of man I would want a long term relationship with if he were available.

 

Here are some other qualities he has:

 

Liar, cheat, conflict-avoider, indecisive, under-handed, treacherous, duplicitious, compartmentalizer, deceptive (and can do it all with a poker face)

 

Just remember that at some point in time (likely now) he is and has done ALL of these to someone he once loved.

 

As long as you are aware of these, in my view, considerable drawbacks...then you SHOULD continue to try and transition your A into a M with him.

 

The flip-side to that is, if he leaves his partner, and then starts a relationship with me it's going to be pretty obvious to everyone in our small community and profession that we've been having an affair

My experience tells me that your A is not as hidden as you would like to think. And going to this assignment will make even MORE obvious.

 

... and that makes me feel sick, I'm ashamed of my behaviour, sleeping with and having an emotional relationship with a man who is in a committed partnership. I'm ashamed that I'm potentially contributing to the ending of his relationship

Then why persist?

 

(he says it's been over for a long time and he just needed a reason to move on .... although he's still worried about his children etc so there's no real commitment on his part to leaving his relationship).

Oh right, of course. HE won;t leave unless YOU are there to make it easier on him. And nothing wrong with that really - I D with two small kids (5 and 3) and worked full time and pursued a second MS (Master's Degree). Yeah - it can be hard. Would have been great to had some help...a cushion to make the hard transition from married (is he?) to single.

 

But back to what I'm really thinking about. I sincerely believe that all our experiences in life are sent to teach us something.

What have you learned then?

What did you learn about YOURSELF?

 

I know that he has taught me a lot about professional integrity

This is a joke right?

I say this because he ACTS as if he has NO integrity. Or, perhaps more appropriate, he shows the illusion of integrity when it suits him. Not a good a trait in a spouse. My opinion of course.

 

; he's taught me a lot about being consistent with who I say I am in the work that I do;

I'm not sure he is the best teacher for "being consistent with who I say I am". Lets not forget how he passes HIMSELF off to EVERYONE about his M and his W and what a great father/family man he is - and then has at least one A with you.

 

What confuses the heck out of me, is that to be true to those values at a macro level, in social and economic development of marginal groups is one thing, but what about those values as they relate to his partner?

Well crap. I was leading up to this and YOU already said it. Ok, next time I promise to read it all better THEN post.

 

This isn't confusing at all.

Words are easily lies. Actions less so.

If you have doubt about the character of a man, watch what he does. Does what he says match what he does? If not, then he IS lying to you about WHO he is. HE may WISH to be that man but he is NO that man. HE IS the man his ACTIONS show him to be.

 

And you are the woman YOUR ACTIONS show you to be.

 

People either behave with morals, integrity or character or they do not.

 

By continuing this "relationship" (for want of a better word) I'm not being consistant at all to those values.

No, you aren't. You have consciously decided to ACT against what you claim to believe.

 

So what is an affair supposed to teach us? What am I supposed to be learning from this?

I would ask myself: How did I allow myself to abandon the woman I thought I was for the woman I am now.

 

Is it that no matter how much you want something, you can't always have it?

Sorry, but that seems immature. That the lesson is: you want him but can't have him. I would ask: does marriage mean so little to me?

Is it that behaving consistantly with your values is all about sacrifice and giving up the good stuff that's on offer?

Well, I would say living to one's heart-felt values IS the good stuff. You seem to be saying values are these pesky little rules keeping you from what you want. Sorry, but I do not believe values work that way. Values prevent this "stuff" from ever being an option - you do not "miss" the "good stuff" because values color it as "bad". I hope what I wrote makes sense.

 

What am I doing?

Living your life according to what you and to heck with everyone else is how it seems. At least, that's what YOUR actions say.

 

However, no matter which path you take (go or do not), you will hurt.

It is highly unlikely he will transition from A to M with you. But he might - it DOES happen.

 

My advice: Stay. Examine what allowed yourself to pursue this path.

 

You will likely go. It WILL be great for 6 months (except when he leaves and the questions resurface). Then it will, in my view, suck when he gives you whatever excuse to NOT be with you. Then you get the pain of rejection and this existential crisis.

 

Good luck.

[Breezy Trousers]

This is a joke right?

I say this because he ACTS as if he has NO integrity. Or, perhaps more appropriate, he shows the illusion of integrity when it suits him. Not a good a trait in a spouse. My opinion of course.

 

* * *

 

I'm not sure he is the best teacher for "being consistent with who I say I am". Lets not forget how he passes HIMSELF off to EVERYONE about his M and his W and what a great father/family man he is - and then has at least one A with you.

 

Spot-on!

 

People who have affairs are liars and manipulators. I'm not saying this to judge. It's the impersonal nature of affairs. Your MM is not able to role model integrity or consistency if he's having an affair with you. It troubles me that you believe he is a teacher of consistency and integrity. What other illusions about this man are you holding? Challenge your beliefs to see if they match with reality. It will save you a lot of heartache.

[thissecretgirl]

It taught me a lot about myself, both bad and good.

 

It taught me that I sometimes not as good a judge of character as I thought; that I can make some extremely bad decisons and that sometimes I can be naive and trust people not worthy of trusting. I like to see the best in people, even when sometimes it's not there and often credit others with the same feelings and instincts that i have. It showed me that I have the capicity to hurt others.

 

It also taught me some good things about myself; It showed me I am not afraid to take risks; I moved on my own to another country. I learnt that I have a huge capacity to love and when I do I am loyal and giving. It showed me that even though I have the capcity to hurt others that I try to do things as decently as I can. I learnt that I dont hate and that I am to a degree resilient; even though after court I hit an almighty low and on two occassions afterwards, considered whether I still wanted live, I'm still here .

 

It taught me I like the truth and that integrity is something I value immensely in myself and others.

 

It taught me that I dont want to be the OW ever again.

 

Its taught me that sometimes life just isnt fair and that you just have to suck it up.

 

Right now it's teaching me to forgive

[steelknife]

I havne't posted for a while. I've been thinking and considering my options.

 

But back to what I'm really thinking about. I sincerely believe that all our experiences in life are sent to teach us something. I know that he has taught me a lot about professional integrity; he's taught me a lot about being consistent with who I say I am in the work that I do; he's taught me about identifying and railing against social injustice in the wider world. What confuses the heck out of me, is that to be true to those values at a macro level, in social and economic devleopment of marginal groups is one thing, but what about those values as they relate to his partner?

 

So what is an affair supposed to teach us? What am I supposed to be learning from this?

 

Is it that no matter how much you want something, you can't always have it?

 

Is it that behaving consistantly with your values is all about sacrifice and giving up the good stuff that's on offer?

 

Is it that just maybe "love conquers all" - although which love? His original "love" with the mother of his children or this "love" with me which we kid ourselves is based on shared social and political values, and jolly good sex.

 

I think I'm answering my own questions and I just don't want to hear the answer.

 

I'm so cross with myself. In my heart, doing what is "right" for his partner and children would mean ending this relationship and staying the heck away from him. But doing what is "right" for me, would mean going and working with him for 6 months and seeing if I do want a long term relationship with him and if we are compatible and being available to him if he does leave his relationship.

 

What am I doing?

 

dont take that job. please.

when i started my affair, i believe in "seize the day" the belief of never letting the chance of being happy pass by no matter how small the window of opportunity is. but i realized, that should never be the case all the time. i was happy, very. and i would never be happy the way with anyone bec xmm was the only person capable of making me happy that way. that time. but no, i would not be doing it again.

 

i learned that;

1.not all happiness is worth it. the pain, rejection and humiliation i went through is not worth all the happiness the affair has given me. and i would never want to experience that kind of pain again. pr humiliation. ever.

2.i will never intrude in another person's marriage again. no matter what im being told. bec i learned that if he is truly unhappy, or unsettled, he will leave. no exceptions.

3. i will never ignore red flags and gut feelings ever.

4.love and value myself more than anyone and anything

5.dont trust right away.

6.i will never give my all to anyone anymore. i will leave some for myself.

7.i learned that some things in life are just not meant to be. no matter how great or wonderful.

8.i learned that the man i truly loved and to whom i have given my all has been lying to me all the time. so no. 3, no. 5 follows.

9.i learned how strong a person i can be, because i have to, for myself.

10. l learned how im capable of truly loving a person. how sweet and attentive i am.

11. i learned my weaknesses. and that gives me the opportunity now to never let my guard down. to anyone. unless...

12. i learned how truly hurtful it is at times to thnk only of ourselves. in my case, i didnt thnk of the third person in the triangle.

13. i learned there is no word to describe the pain you go through when youre being thrown under the bus. stunned? numb? shamed? humiliated? yes. and more.

14. i know xmm lies to his bs to be with me, what made me think he didnt lie to me for something or someone else?

 

i guess this is what ive learned so far after 56 days since dday. and 26 months of being in an A. goodluck to you kismetly.

Edited December 5, 2010 by steelknife

[Kismetly]

Wow. That's really profound. Thank you. This post is so illustrative of everything about this situation that I've chosen to ignore. The dark path, it is seductive isn't it?

 

All of these posts have been painful to read because of all the bald truth exposed. I'm still making excuses though. Oh, I'm different. I'm aloof. I won't let myself fall for him until I'm sure he is going to leave his wife. I'll continue to date other people. He's just one man I date. He'll probably choose me in the end anyway. I do know cognitively that I'm delusional, but my heart, my basest wants, wants to keep this going.

 

I don't like that about myself and I just keep questioning why I am being tempted like this? but most importantly, why am I so weak in resisting the temptation?

[Kismetly]

Woinlove, you hit the nail on the head.

 

More important is deciding what kind of person you want to be. As to personal and global values differing, people values are only tested when they collide with self-interest. If it doesn't cost you much, that is not a real test as to how much those values mean to you. Sounds like you are doing some soul-searching about what values you hold dear.

 

You're absolutely right.

[Kismetly]

Its so sad to meet someone you think you could spend your life with and then find that your own values wont allow you to pursue the relationship.

 

But it sounds like that is the situation you are in.

 

If you dont take the job you wont know what could be.

 

If you do take the job you will be acting against your values and you will be too ashamed to ever take the relatoinship out into the open.

 

So it sounds like going there will only bring you more pain because in the end YOU dont want anyone to know.

 

Dont take the job. Look back on this fondly and remember the love you shared. As much as the idea pains you, going against your values will only hurt you more in the end.

When you say it like that, it's kind of a no-brainer hey?

[Kismetly]

OP, how do you feel about the questions you asked?

Hi Bentnotbroken,

 

I don't know what I think.

 

My rational brain reads all these stories here, thinks about how undesirable the unintended consequenses and outcomes of this thing could be and screams at me to get the hell out now.

 

My heart, my feelings, my desires are to keep going because it feels so good.

 

So the question then for me is, is this great feeling worth the potential risk? That's a complex risk analysis.

[Kismetly]

To be fair, he is kind of separated from his wife. He lives and works a six hour drive away from home, his kids spend some weekends and holidays at the place he lives and his wife never comes with them.

 

His story is the marriage is all but over, but as someone pointed out, his story changes from time to time and I suspect it's true from his perspective that there is little passion remaining in the marriage and they might as well be separated. He's always careful to tell me his little boy slept in his bed when he's at the house - but I'm not that niave. It may be true, that he doesn't sleep with his wife, but I don't think it is.

 

But the truth is, I don't know what his status is because I don't ask about it and when he starts talking about it I change the subject. I just don't want to know - and I don't know what I'm more scared of, that he's full of it and he has no intention of leaving his wife? or he really is unhappy in the relationship and he is building up his strength to face his fear of the community fall out when they pubically split (which would be signficant - I accept that). I actually suspect it's somewhere between those two extremes.

[Kismetly]

This is a joke right?

I say this because he ACTS as if he has NO integrity. Or, perhaps more appropriate, he shows the illusion of integrity when it suits him. Not a good a trait in a spouse. My opinion of course.

 

* * *

 

I'm not sure he is the best teacher for "being consistent with who I say I am". Lets not forget how he passes HIMSELF off to EVERYONE about his M and his W and what a great father/family man he is - and then has at least one A with you.

 

Spot-on!

 

People who have affairs are liars and manipulators. I'm not saying this to judge. It's the impersonal nature of affairs. Your MM is not able to role model integrity or consistency if he's having an affair with you. It troubles me that you believe he is a teacher of consistency and integrity. What other illusions about this man are you holding? Challenge your beliefs to see if they match with reality. It will save you a lot of heartache.

This post has really resonated with me over the past couple of days and I actually raised it with him last night. I'm still bargaining with myself and thinking I can take the job and end the affair. (yeah, yeah, I know, I'm a shocker.)

 

I told him what I was thinking and of course he was trying to talk me out of the ending-the-affair part.

 

I pointed out to him that our relationship was pretty hypocritical in our circumstances and while I really want to do the work, I don't want to continue to behave inappropriately.

 

He didn't see it. I asked him if he couldn't see that integrity and standing for your princples and respecting women and all groups, because that's the right thing to do wasn't a bit inconsistant with disrespecting his partner by having an affair with me. He didn't respond and that was the end of the conversation.

[Kismetly]

It taught me a lot about myself, both bad and good.

 

It taught me that I sometimes not as good a judge of character as I thought; that I can make some extremely bad decisons and that sometimes I can be naive and trust people not worthy of trusting. I like to see the best in people, even when sometimes it's not there and often credit others with the same feelings and instincts that i have. It showed me that I have the capicity to hurt others.

 

It also taught me some good things about myself; It showed me I am not afraid to take risks; I moved on my own to another country. I learnt that I have a huge capacity to love and when I do I am loyal and giving. It showed me that even though I have the capcity to hurt others that I try to do things as decently as I can. I learnt that I dont hate and that I am to a degree resilient; even though after court I hit an almighty low and on two occassions afterwards, considered whether I still wanted live, I'm still here .

 

It taught me I like the truth and that integrity is something I value immensely in myself and others.

 

It taught me that I dont want to be the OW ever again.

 

Its taught me that sometimes life just isnt fair and that you just have to suck it up.

 

Right now it's teaching me to forgive

Hi Secretgirl

 

I've been reading your story and really feel for you. I'm in Aus too.

 

Keep looking after yourself. You are strong.

 

Cheers, K

[thissecretgirl]

Hi Secretgirl

 

I've been reading your story and really feel for you. I'm in Aus too.

 

Keep looking after yourself. You are strong.

 

Cheers, K

 

Aww thankyou K, I appreciate that.

 

Am not feeling to strong at the moment, just really down lol. Bloody hell I miss him

 

Still, I'm not crying so thats an improvement!

 

I hope you manage to work it all out too *hugs*

[bentnotbroken]

Hi Bentnotbroken,

 

I don't know what I think.

 

My rational brain reads all these stories here, thinks about how undesirable the unintended consequenses and outcomes of this thing could be and screams at me to get the hell out now.

 

My heart, my feelings, my desires are to keep going because it feels so good.

 

So the question then for me is, is this great feeling worth the potential risk? That's a complex risk analysis.

 

 

That's our lives....a complex risk analysis. There is nothing easy about living a life of integrity. I wish it were...it would make it so much easier for me to just go with the feeling of wanting to slap the crap out of those who abuse children, rape women as warfare and pudgy donkeys who steal the pensions of the working person. Yes we all live a life of risk analysis.

[Kismetly]

That's our lives....a complex risk analysis. There is nothing easy about living a life of integrity. I wish it were...it would make it so much easier for me to just go with the feeling of wanting to slap the crap out of those who abuse children, rape women as warfare and pudgy donkeys who steal the pensions of the working person. Yes we all live a life of risk analysis.

 

That's what I can't get my head around. It should be easy to live with integrity. It always has been up until now.

 

When my marriage was going south my xh and I went to counselling, figured out in a dignified, albeit painful process that we wanted different things from life and split amicably. I felt we handled that with integrity.

 

I work in Development. I work with mining companies in developing countries and failed states to implement sustainable education, health and food security intiatives. I'm successful at my job, because I demand integrity from the mining companies and the individuals in communities. Recently one company wanted to give me ridiculous amounts of money to do something that I considered unethical. I didn't do it, I raised the red flag and the outcome was that I'll never work for that company again and they've blackballed me across their network, but I can sleep and the people in that community will still have access to clean water.

 

I pride myself on my integrity to third-parties ... and yet I'm doing this to a man's partner.

[woinlove]

That's what I can't get my head around. It should be easy to live with integrity. It always has been up until now.

 

When my marriage was going south my xh and I went to counselling, figured out in a dignified, albeit painful process that we wanted different things from life and split amicably. I felt we handled that with integrity.

 

I work in Development. I work with mining companies in developing countries and failed states to implement sustainable education, health and food security intiatives. I'm successful at my job, because I demand integrity from the mining companies and the individuals in communities. Recently one company wanted to give me ridiculous amounts of money to do something that I considered unethical. I didn't do it, I raised the red flag and the outcome was that I'll never work for that company again and they've blackballed me across their network, but I can sleep and the people in that community will still have access to clean water.

 

I pride myself on my integrity to third-parties ... and yet I'm doing this to a man's partner.

 

I can see why it is so difficult for you now. In an earlier post, you said you didn't think much about his marital status and just thought what you shared with him would be fun and temporary. Even at that point, it might have been somewhat difficult to pass up a man you described as gorgeous. However, now that you have developed deeper feelings for him, it is a whole lot more difficult.

 

Women who don't want to get involved with MM for ethical reasons, usually learn to just consider MM as unavailable no matter how gorgeous and interested they seem. That is not always easy (at least I don't find it always easy) but it is a hell of a lot easier than ending things for ethical reasons after you've developed an attachment.

 

As you can see from LS, most women end things because of the pain, or some times MM ends things, and then they may decide to consider MM as unavailable in the future, for reasons involving integrity and/or self-preservation. It seems much less common to end things at the stage you are at for ethical reasons alone.

 

I don't mean to discourage you, in fact I would like to encourage you, because I think you will be happier in the long term if you can do the right thing. But, I think it is important to recognize that it won't be easy and it will take a lot of resolve.