Stood up on First Date with Coworker: Any Advice?

[wanderingsoul]

Hi.

I found this site and decided to ask for a little help.

I am a young and recently divorced mother of three young children. I have been 'single' now for nearly a year and a half. I am afraid of dating. I was married when I was 17 and never really 'dated' anyone before. I decided to bite the bullet and ask a gentleman I work with and had been interested in for awhile if he would like to go out one night and shoot some pool, have a drink and just relax together and talk. He said yes he was interested and I asked him to tell me a place and time. After about a week, he still hadn't brought it up. He is a shy type of guy, so I let it slide.

 

I went up to him and said, bluntly, "If you are not interested in seeing me outside of work, I will understand. Just let me know." and he said "I would."

 

But, because of his shyness, I mustered up the courage and decided on a place (near his home, in his town, about forty minutes from me and two minutes from him) at his time (which I asked what worked for him and we agreed upon seven).

 

He asked if he could bring a 'buddy' and I said sure. I was a little irritated, but I figured he is a shy guy, so maybe he is just afraid or something. But the plans were definite and completely understood between us both.

 

I arrived at the place we were to meet at six thirty. I scoped the lot and didn't see his vehicle, so I waited in my car for another ten minutes or so before going inside alone. I went to the restroom and fixed myself up a little, I was nervous, naturally. I went to the bar and ordered a drink and began watching the clock.

 

At about nine o'clock I finally began to think he might have stood me up... After eleven o'clock, I really believed it. I did have a good time chatting with some local venders and the owner of the bar. They all said the man had to be an idiot. I never had that great of self esteem, but I have lost over ninety pounds and I am in a size eight now and feeling attractive again... But, now I am feeling hurt and disappointed about me and my appearance.

 

When I seen him at work, I didn't go up to him and ask anything. I was both angry and embarrassed and upset. He didn't offer any explanation and didn't confront me at all. So, I just ignored him also. I didn't want to, but at work everyone is listening and I didn't tell anyone there we were supposed to go out. I am glad I didn't now. I was excited and now this. He said nothing to me. Not a single word. If he wasn't interested why didn't he just tell me in the first place?

 

This was the first date since... well, forever ago and he doesn't say anything to me after not showing up? I don't understand it... Any advice?

[monkey00]

hm..this is a very interesting post...intersting indeed.

 

"he asked if he could bring a friend. you said yes"

 

I think he may have been a bit insecure, as i find most shy ppl are insecure deep down.

He probably just threw that question at you to see how you would react.

How you would react, would give him an idea what kind of "date" it really was.

you unhesitantly said "yea" when he asked, so he may have thought that you're just calling him out to hang out as friends.

 

but if you would have hesitated and said something like, "I thought me and you would be shooting pool and having a drink alone?" then he would've just perceived that you really wanted to go out on a date w/him and had high interest.

 

 

This is just my assumption of what happened that night. not only girls do tests on guys, guys do too!

Altho i'm pretty definite this is why you were stood up.

 

Insecure ppl dont like to be rejected or fear rejection, by either genders.

so in order to avoid it, they usually dont confront that person.

[befuddled11]

Wow, I'm very sorry that you've had to go through this. Please don't let it put you off of dating again. The very very vast majority of men WOULD NOT do this to you. Don't take this guy's behavior as any indication of him not finding you attractive or anything negative about yourself.

 

It's entirely possible that he's so extremely shy that he just couldn't gather up the courage to meet you. Who knows, maybe he's never been on a date before (there are people into their 30's and 40's who've been crippled by shyness and have never dated and low self esteem)??

 

His question to you of whether he could bring a friend....not sure how to interpret that, that's definitely not a normal question for someone to ask who's just been asked out for a casual meeting/date.

 

I guess it could have meant one of 2 things. Either he, for whatever reason wasn't interested and he figured by suggesting bringing a friend, you'd be p*ssed off or turned off and you'd just change your mind about meeting.

 

Or else he's so painfully shy that it overwhelmed him to imagine meeting a woman like that, alone.....afraid of what to say? awkward silences if he didn't know what to talk about? etc.

 

Could he be GAY?

 

Do you know if he's ever been in a relationship before?

 

Perhaps he is like many people who don't find it a wise move to get involved with coworkers outside of the workplace..I know you asked him that and he said that wasn't an issue, but maybe it was?

 

If I were you, I'd just continue to ignore him..but try not to be visibly rude to him. You don't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing it bothered you.

 

In the future, though......if a guy is more than 20 minutes late to meet you, leave. Don't EVER sit there for 5 hours waiting for them.........

[Dixiecron]

DATING RULE #1: Don't overanalyze

DATING RULE #2: Actions speak louder than words

 

In general, just get used to the fact that you may be behind the game a bit in today's dating world. It is not a bad thing, it just is. Do some reading and some digging around on other forums on the Net.

 

Though it is to be expected with your first few times getting back out there, you really need to stop stressing about a single date. JUST RELAX. Think of it as meeting a new friend, not OH MY GOD WHERE IS HE? I mean hey, you got to chatting with the bar owners and vendors, right? Maybe the whole point of your being stood up was so you could meet one of them...

 

BTW, you were officially stood up at 7:30PM. Anything more than half an hour and no call on the cell, or a damn good explanation at work the next day is not cool. Respect works both ways.

 

P.S. don't piss in your own pool. Your children need you to have a job more than you need to date guys from the office.

[monkey00]

oh yea btw, if u realized he was late, why didnt u just call his house or cell?

 

whenever 2 ppl go on dates, it's always a good idea to get their # beforehand.

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by monkey00

oh yea btw, if u realized he was late, why didnt u just call his house or cell?

 

whenever 2 ppl go on dates, it's always a good idea to get their # beforehand.

 

It may be okay to exchange cell numbers prior to the date, just in case one person gets stuck in traffic or gets lost, to let the other person know.....but if a guy or gal is reallllly late to meet you, it is THEIR responsibility to contact YOU and explain, surely not you calling them up. That would make ya look like a desperate chump or that you don't mind being crapped on. They owe it to you to offer an explanation, not you chasing them down for one.

[monkey00]

yea and btw, you said that you had initiated and asked him on the date.

 

usually guys complain about them having to do the job of initiation. but when girls actually do DO it, they dont like it. I mean if he was really a good guy and wanted to be friends, sure that would've been no prob. as if a friend asked out another friend to chill together.

 

but since you asked him out, and based on the test he gave you. He saw that you only wanted his friendship and nothing more. and that's probably the opposite of what he really wanted.

 

believe me, girls asking guy VS guy asking girl will make all the difference for the guy...and .....um...*cough* girl

 

If in the future...you guys EVER do bring this up, dont let him know that you waited for him for 5 hrs long....he's going to start thinking you were desperate.

 

btw what were you intentions when you asked him out?? going as coworkers/friends or you had interest in him and expected a 1on1 date?

 

what do you or girls see in shy guys anyway?

[morrigan]

He has his own reasons for why he stood you up. What was rude is that he knew he would see you at work and didn't have the courage to apologize. I agree with the other posters that as far as a date is concerned, give them 30 minutes of your time and that is all.

 

Stop worrying about this silly guy and laugh him off as a big NO. Don't bother asking him why he didn't show up, and don't even dream of asking him out again.

 

Most guys are flattered when a woman asks them out, and you will meet other guys who are worth your time.

[moimeme]

He could actually have just forgotten. Or gotten the date or time wrong. People do that all the time.

 

Drives me NUTS when people assume without asking.

 

ASK THE MAN WHAT HAPPENED. Don't ask us and don't conjure up a zillion possible explanations. Find out the truth from the man. He may think it's next week or he may have turned up on the wrong day and thought YOU stood HIM up.

[monkey00]

He could have forgotten or possibly not.

 

they could lie to your face even if u did confront them, it'd be hard to tell.

 

Making an excuse is always the better answer than in telling the truth. most of the time when you get stood up, and they make an excuse...it's usually a lie.

[moimeme]

Asking is always better than assuming.