what are you willing to do with your SO before getting married?

[terra]

What are you willing to do with your SO before you would want the commitment of being married?

 

• sex?
  
• moving in together?
  
• buying a house?
  
• having kids?
  
• a certain time frame? Dating for 3 years, 7 years..
  
• perhaps not interested in marriage at all? what's the point?
  
• Depends on if you've been married before?
  

I'm interested in your viewpoints along with your gender. Perhaps there will be differences among the sexes.

-T

[Sarah1977]

[*]sex? Of course.

 

[*]moving in together? If we're engaged.

 

[*]buying a house? No.

 

[*]having kids? No way!

 

[*]a certain time frame? Dating for 3 years, 7 years. I wouldn't date anyone that long. My theory is, if we're not in love after a year, we'll never be in love. So we're just wasting our time.

 

[*]perhaps not interested in marriage at all? what's the point? Possibly.

 

[*]Depends on if you've been married before? I have.

[terra]

The reason I'm asking is I'm buying a house with my boyfriend and people seemed shocked that I would do this without getting engaged... I hadn't really thought about it. I think perhaps if we were to have kids then maybe get married but it's not that big of a deal to me. Then I read about other that choose to not have sex before marriage.. just got me thinking.

[sweetjasmine]

sex?

 

Yes.

 

moving in together?

 

Yes, if I see long-term potential.

 

buying a house?

 

No. Not together. No joint bank accounts, either.

 

having kids?

 

Absolutely not.

[Yer_Blues]

I wouldn't set any absolute restrictions on any of those major decisions, but feel it out with the person. It depends entirely on what marriage means to the couple. If there is a great deal of sex, intimacy, and commitment before marriage, I see marriage as being less significant for the couple compared with couples who won't do things such as cohabitation before marriage.

[Andy_K]

I'd do anything before marriage, as I don't really believe in it.

 

I don't need a signature on a bit of paper to know whether I love someone or whether they love me. Nor do I need a legal contract to tell me I'm in a committed relationship.

 

In fact, I can think of nothing less romantic than contracts, pledges, and oaths. Love doesn't know the future or the past, only the present. Love is fluid and nurtured... not bound, stamped and sealed.

[sigurpol]

Sex? Definitely.

 

Moving in together? That all depends. I would like to keep that at bay until we've been engaged or married.

 

Buying a house? My answer is about the same as SweetJasmine's.

 

Time frame? Not really. Seems a little rigid to me. Let that be.

 

Not being married at all? Um, I do want to at this point. I used to say no, but that's changed. I have friends who are very adamant on NOT getting married though. It's entertaining to hear them talk about it, haha.

[Madgick1]

Sex, and moving in together.

 

I'm older, absolutely do not need to be supported and do not have a biological clock (my kids are in college). I've been married twice, the second I lived with for a year and didn't realize he was an alcoholic--he hid it well. I did not know he was drinking vodka at 8 in the morning altho we were living together.

 

I want to know someone and date in our own houses a year or two, and then live together for abt 3 years, before marriage. That means at least 4 years of being together before marrying. You need to get past that 2-3 year period of limerance before deciding to marry IMHO. No one can hide unpleasant alarming aspects of themselves that long. (I hope)

 

But I would want to marry; it offers financial, social, and legal benefits. Being in love isn't enough reason to marry, being in love and being compatible and being able to be all right with each others flaws, once you know what they are and having lived with them might be.

 

I'd never buy a house with someone without being married. Discuss what you are going to do with the house if you split up. Who gets it. Who gets the profit, and how much. If there's only liability, who gets that. Put it in writing. Really.

[veggirl]

Sex- yes

Move in- if engaged

Home purchase- NO

Kids- NO

 

I have lived w/ an ex boyfriend and won't do it again unless I'm engaged. It's just a step I don't want to take unless there is that committment. I would NEVER make a large joint purchase with an SO if we weren't married. I wouldn't co-sign on anything, allow them on any accounts, etc etc. Even if I was married, there'd be separate bank accounts. I don't want kids ever, so that is self-explanatory

[sb129]

I have a few friends who have kids and own a home together and they aren't married.

 

In the country I live in if you live together for more than 2 years and have children together your legal rights are nearly the same as that of a married couples.

 

No biggie for me either way.

 

My H and I weren't that bothered about getting married, we did it because its what our families wanted, and it was the right thing to do for us. Our wedding was a blast, and it was the last time my whole family were all together because my uncle, dad and grandmother all died in the year following our wedding.

[Stung]

Oh, I do love people who use the word limerence.

 

OP, marriage is important to me, and I love being married. I love the symbolism of it and the legal binding as well.

 

That being said, my now-husband and I had sex, lived together, bought property together, ran a side business together, raised his daughter and had our son together, all before we ever got married. I kind of see our marriage as a shining silver thread that entwines us all, but we were already bound with less visible threads, if that makes sense.

[denise_xo]

What are you willing to do with your SO before you would want the commitment of being married?

 

• sex?
  
• moving in together?
  
• buying a house?
  
• having kids?
  
• a certain time frame? Dating for 3 years, 7 years..
  
• perhaps not interested in marriage at all? what's the point?
  
• Depends on if you've been married before?
  

I'm interested in your viewpoints along with your gender. Perhaps there will be differences among the sexes.

-T

 

 

I would do all of that except have children, but that's because I don't want children, period. Where I live, it's pretty common to buy a house, have children etc without being married. I married mostly because it was a social expectation in the society where my husband is from, I'd be just as fine with living together.

[kiss_andmakeup]

Sex & moving in together, yes, the rest, no.

 

Mostly because I don't want to own a house anyways, nor do I want children.

 

I've never been married but it's not high on my priority list right now.

[curlygirl40]

Hey Terra

 

What's funny is when I first read your thread and I saw 'buy a house', I thought 'no way'. BUT then the flip side of that could be that he buys a house, you move in with him, you share the expenses and the home maintenance 50/50, you break up in 2 years, the house is worth more (dream with me here please, the market will improve eventually ), but since you didn't buy the house with him, you could walk away with nothing.

 

So after thinking of it that way, it's probably more of a smart decision to have your name on the deed of the home you are sharing. Just remember if you ever break up you'll have to deal with how he will buy you, or you will buy him, out of the house. It could/would make things messier.

 

But again, if you're contributing, you should have your name on it too.

 

Good luck!

[zengirl]

What are you willing to do with your SO before you would want the commitment of being married?

 

• sex?
  
• moving in together?
  
• buying a house?
  
• having kids?
  
• a certain time frame? Dating for 3 years, 7 years..
  
• perhaps not interested in marriage at all? what's the point?
  
• Depends on if you've been married before?
  

I'm interested in your viewpoints along with your gender. Perhaps there will be differences among the sexes.

-T

 

I would have to have sex before marrying someone. I'd have to date them at least a year before agreeing to marry them/getting engaged.

 

I don't want to move in with someone before being engaged. I'd do so before being formally married---in fact, between the proposal/acceptance and the marriage seems like the best time to me.

 

I wouldn't want any financial commitments, such as owning a house together, combining accounts, etc, before marriage or at least engagement. I wouldn't want to have kids before being married, and I do someday want kids. And want to get married. If I don't get married or have kids, I could still be happy though. Never been married before.

[threebyfate]

sex?

Totally. It makes no sense to me to commit for life to someone without verifying sexual compatibility and drive.

 

moving in together?

No. Not my thing to cohabitate. What others choose to do is their own choice.

 

buying a house?

No. Any shared financial arrangement solely comes with marriage. As it stands we have a post-nuptial agreement.

 

having kids?

Haha....this one's a trick question for me! By choice, no. But we got accidentally pregnant 6.5 months after we got engaged. Original wedding plans had to all be cancelled. Ummm...the patch isn't always effective but that's okay. Had we not wanted children, we both would have used birth control instead of it just being me.

 

a certain time frame? Dating for 3 years, 7 years..

Nope. We got engaged a little over 6 weeks after we started dating.

 

perhaps not interested in marriage at all? what's the point?

After my first marriage ended in him cheating and then my filing for divorce, wasn't sure I wanted to get married again. But my husband changed my mind in a major hurry.

 

Depends on if you've been married before?

Refer to above.

 

Female.

[allina]

What are you willing to do with your SO before you would want the commitment of being married?

 

*Sex- Yes

 

*Moving in together- Yes, though I think moving in with every bf is insane. I moved in with my now husband after 6 months together, it was the first time living with a SO for each of us. If he had already lived with several gfs prior to me, I would not have moved in with him when I did.

 

*Buying a house together- In theory I want to say it's a bad idea. However, my H and I got pre-approved and put in an offer on a house before we were engaged. We didn't buy a home till we were engaged, but it was before we set the date. I guess I have to say it depends, my H and I knew we would be married years before it happened and we were comfortable taking these steps prior to actually being married.

 

*Having kids- Absolutely not.

[tinktronik]

• sex?- Yes, please.
  
• moving in together?- We live together now and have for years.
  
• buying a house?- Yes.
  
• having kids?- Baby on the way.
  
• a certain time frame? Dating for 3 years, 7 years..- We've been together going on 9 years.
  
• perhaps not interested in marriage at all? what's the point?- I'm not interested in marriage. I just don't see any benefit I don't already have.
  
• Depends on if you've been married before?- I've been married before. No more.
  

I'm interested in your viewpoints along with your gender. Perhaps there will be differences among the sexes. - I'm female.

[Els]

I'd do all of the above except have kids - that isn't really for me, either, it's just that a social stigma still exists against kids who are born out of wedlock, and I wouldn't want to subject mine to that.

 

I'm curious how people say they will have sex with the reason 'How will you know how sexually compatible you are if you don't have sex before tying the knot?' but not live together before marriage. Does not the same principle apply? If you are a believer in determining compatibilities before marriage (thus your stand on sex), why don't you think it's important to know a partner's daily habits, lifestyle, willingness to chip in with household chores, and all the little things that you won't know until you truly live together?

[zengirl]

I'd do all of the above except have kids - that isn't really for me, either, it's just that a social stigma still exists against kids who are born out of wedlock, and I wouldn't want to subject mine to that.

 

I'm curious how people say they will have sex with the reason 'How will you know how sexually compatible you are if you don't have sex before tying the knot?' but not live together before marriage. Does not the same principle apply? If you are a believer in determining compatibilities before marriage (thus your stand on sex), why don't you think it's important to know a partner's daily habits, lifestyle, willingness to chip in with household chores, and all the little things that you won't know until you truly live together?

 

Well, my boyfriend and I have only been together a little over 4 months, and I know a good amount of his daily habits from spending long stretches of time together. At this point, I'm sure there are more to discover, but after a year or so, I don't really think those remain a mystery. Some things you won't really *know* until you have kids, so why not just have kids and see. . . at some point, you know enough to make the commitment.

 

I have stuff at my boyfriend's house, a key, etc. I've done my laundry there. He's cooked at my house, and I have in his. I know some of his annoying domestic habits -- he's terrible about washing up his dishes promptly, leaves laundry around -- and some of his great ones -- he's a fantastic cook, he cleans his floors twice a week (far more often than I bother to), and he always makes the bed in the morning (I don't). And that's only in 4 months. I don't think you have to live together to know that stuff. I've lived with someone, and I learned little more by doing so than I knew beforehand. And yes, I realize the whole, "What about best behavior?" but I think you can tell when someone is on their best behavior anyway. If I didn't know his daily habits, I wouldn't even consider it serious.

 

I just don't want to merge finances in any way again before marriage (done that, whole lot of hassle if it doesn't work out) and I'm not interested in splitting rent clinically, like a roomie, with my partner, as I don't find that productive or romantic.

Edited December 6, 2010 by zengirl

[Pyro]

go and meet her mum.

[Els]

Well, my boyfriend and I have only been together a little over 4 months, and I know a good amount of his daily habits from spending long stretches of time together. At this point, I'm sure there are more to discover, but after a year or so, I don't really think those remain a mystery. Some things you won't really *know* until you have kids, so why not just have kids and see. . . at some point, you know enough to make the commitment.

 

I have stuff at my boyfriend's house, a key, etc. I've done my laundry there. He's cooked at my house, and I have in his. I know some of his annoying domestic habits -- he's terrible about washing up his dishes promptly, leaves laundry around -- and some of his great ones -- he's a fantastic cook, he cleans his floors twice a week (far more often than I bother to), and he always makes the bed in the morning (I don't). And that's only in 4 months. I don't think you have to live together to know that stuff. I've lived with someone, and I learned little more by doing so than I knew beforehand. And yes, I realize the whole, "What about best behavior?" but I think you can tell when someone is on their best behavior anyway. If I didn't know his daily habits, I wouldn't even consider it serious.

 

I just don't want to merge finances in any way again before marriage (done that, whole lot of hassle if it doesn't work out) and I'm not interested in splitting rent clinically, like a roomie, with my partner, as I don't find that productive or romantic.

 

I guess staying over so often that you have lots of your stuff at the other person's place and share domestic chores pretty much qualifies as 'living together', or nearly. I don't personally get what's unromantic about splitting rent if you split money for dates/food/etc anyway, but each to their own.

 

Probably when I say 'don't live together', I'm thinking more along the lines of people who just 'date' and don't spend many nights or significant amounts of time at their partner's house. They just see each other several times a week after work, spend time together, then back to their own place... You know, like how traditional people do, except that they don't have sex either.

[zengirl]

I guess staying over so often that you have lots of your stuff at the other person's place and share domestic chores pretty much qualifies as 'living together', or nearly. I don't personally get what's unromantic about splitting rent if you split money for dates/food/etc anyway, but each to their own.

 

Probably when I say 'don't live together', I'm thinking more along the lines of people who just 'date' and don't spend many nights or significant amounts of time at their partner's house. They just see each other several times a week after work, spend time together, then back to their own place... You know, like how traditional people do, except that they don't have sex either.

 

I don't split a date evenly either, unless I plan for it to be the last one/I'm planning to break up with a guy. I'll buy my own ticket to something and have him buy his if it's over $100 (like season tickets or a plane ticket or something), but otherwise, I either treat him or he treats me. That's how it's been with almost all of the guys I've dated.

 

To me, living together means giving up my place (or him giving up his, or both) and my roommates and significant parts of my life, including my independence . . . now, if we break up, someone has to move. That's serious. And yet it's not taken as seriously as divorce. It should be. I want it to be taken as seriously by us and others. I want us to treat it as though it is that serious---to go to counseling and truly try before walking out because it's not just emotionally but practically, financially, and legally painful as well. Marriage makes people stop and think before they break up, and that sometimes saves relationships where people would be hasty.

 

And there is the financial aspect. Groceries, for instance. Does it get split down the middle? Do we itemize? Do we shop separately, as though we were roomies? I'd just rather keep my own place until I knew I wanted to join my entire life, including my finances, with someone.

 

But I agree that I'd never marry someone who I didn't feel I knew inside and out, their day to day habits included. I've just never had a serious relationship that didn't involve massive amounts of time spent together.

Edited December 6, 2010 by zengirl

[Feelin Frisky]

Yes.

 

 

 

Yes, if I see long-term potential.

 

 

 

No. Not together. No joint bank accounts, either.

 

 

 

Absolutely not.

 

This. This. and This.

[make me believe]

Sex: Absolutely!

 

Move in: Only with an engagement.

 

Buy a house: Noooo way!

 

Have a baby: Noooo way!

 

I think combining finances before you are at least engaged is a HUGE mistake, unless the reason you aren't engaged is because neither of you is interested in marriage. And having a baby with someone you aren't married to... I just don't get it. Accidents happen, yes, but I see so many couples having babies before marriage is even on the radar and it just blows my mind.