hurtinginTX Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 I am 30 years old. Been married for 9.5 years. 3 children, one his, two ours. I found out the day after Thanksgiving that my husband had an affair with a family friend. This year has been horrible for me. My hubby is in the army. This year he was gone for the first 6 months. Not to Iraq, but other Army schools and such. In June his mom got sick and was in the hospital. Due to financial reasons I couldn't go out there and see her. He did take my kids with some coaxing. Then in July my mil passed away. Again due to financial reasons I couldn't quit my job and go with him, and my job wouldn't let me have the two weeks. The Army ended up paying for him to go out there. I knew he was talking to this friend, but I was stupid and believed him that they were just friends. When he came back from his moms funeral things were strained so we sat down and talked. I thought that we had worked everything out. I asked him not to talk to her again. He agreed. Then on Nov 26 my mom sent him a cute picture and I wanted to save it for him on his phone. I go into his phone (with the code which pertained to her) and saw the text that have been going on for weeks. I started shaking and was so mad. When I confronted him he acted dumbfounded and confused at first. Then he finally told me the truth. They had been talking since June and they had sex twice when he went back for his moms funeral. I felt so betrayed and there is no other word to describe it. It has been a week and I still feel like there are times he is hiding stuff from me. I made him call her and tell her that he didn't want to be with her. That was after he told me he wanted to be with me and only me. He says he was heartbroken that it happened and that he didn't want to hurt me in that way ever. He didn't realize he still had feelings for this girl. I can't help but think that he still does have feelings for her. He has started trying to show me he loves me and tell me I am beautiful. It just isn't working. Everytime I look at him I see him having sex with her. I want my marriage to work and I am so confused. Any advise would be great. If you have questions that I can answer I will do that. I JUST NEED HELP.
TerryW Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 Sorry you're having to go through this....Keep posting and read through the past posts. There are so many of us going through this too. You are not alone. Saying a prayer for you and your family...
strength-abounds Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 IMO, all the variables needed to fix a marriage that is suffering from infidelity are there. Your hubby says he wants to work it out and stay with you. You mentioned the same thing. Hubby ended it with the OW in front of you. That, I believe, is a good sign that he is serious about fixing this marriage. Now comes the hard part. In order to heal this marriage, hubby needs to be completely transparent with you. You need access to EVERYTHING. Credit card statements, phone, email, Facebook, Myspace, wallet, underwear drawer. I mean EVERYTHING. If hubby is not willing to accept this mandatory term, than remove yourself from this marriage because he already has. Hubby also must understand that the trust he had with you is gone. In fact, it may take years to achieve that level of trust again. If hubby has any issue or concern with you questioning him about his entire life, than he has no desire to fix the marriage. As hokey as it sounds, the two of you need marriage counseling; and you need independant counseling for the anger issues that are present and that will show up eventually. If you can't deal with the anger and grief that you have been exposed to than you are already jeopardizing the reconciliation. The key thing to remember is that infidelity is NOT the end all of a marriage. More cases than not, when a marriage is healed from infidelity, that marriage will be stronger than before the affair. I wish you and the hubby the best of luck and God Bless.
wicar1 Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 I am 30 years old. Been married for 9.5 years. 3 children, one his, two ours. I found out the day after Thanksgiving that my husband had an affair with a family friend. This year has been horrible for me. My hubby is in the army. This year he was gone for the first 6 months. Not to Iraq, but other Army schools and such. In June his mom got sick and was in the hospital. Due to financial reasons I couldn't go out there and see her. He did take my kids with some coaxing. Then in July my mil passed away. Again due to financial reasons I couldn't quit my job and go with him, and my job wouldn't let me have the two weeks. The Army ended up paying for him to go out there. I knew he was talking to this friend, but I was stupid and believed him that they were just friends. When he came back from his moms funeral things were strained so we sat down and talked. I thought that we had worked everything out. I asked him not to talk to her again. He agreed. Then on Nov 26 my mom sent him a cute picture and I wanted to save it for him on his phone. I go into his phone (with the code which pertained to her) and saw the text that have been going on for weeks. I started shaking and was so mad. When I confronted him he acted dumbfounded and confused at first. Then he finally told me the truth. They had been talking since June and they had sex twice when he went back for his moms funeral. I felt so betrayed and there is no other word to describe it. It has been a week and I still feel like there are times he is hiding stuff from me. I made him call her and tell her that he didn't want to be with her. That was after he told me he wanted to be with me and only me. He says he was heartbroken that it happened and that he didn't want to hurt me in that way ever. He didn't realize he still had feelings for this girl. I can't help but think that he still does have feelings for her. He has started trying to show me he loves me and tell me I am beautiful. It just isn't working. Everytime I look at him I see him having sex with her. I want my marriage to work and I am so confused. Any advise would be great. If you have questions that I can answer I will do that. I JUST NEED HELP. Leave the guy...he's gonna do it again. Save the pain and leave him. Good luck.
Indypendence Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 All I can say is that it will get better with time. Time and my husbands committment to show me that he really wants US is the only thing that has really helped me. The thoughts will begin to fade and you will begin to feel like your old self again later rather than sooner. Working on you is what you need to do first. Cry. Scream. Get it out, don't try and hold all these feelings in. It will only cause you more and more pain. Since this in my experience is the bottom, you have nothing to hold back and hide. Say what you feel. I'm sorry you are feeling this way and have to go through this bull. I know exactly the pain, hurt, and doubt you are experiencing. There is no quick fix to this, there is no real reason why it happened, you won't wake up and the memory is gone. It's going to take some real work unfortunately to move past. I wish you peace.
Recommended Posts