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My first heartbreak. I want her back but shes dating someone new..

firerabbit87

By firerabbit87
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firerabbit87 New Member

firerabbit87

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Hello LSers, this Is my first post here..

Ever since my ex gf broke it off with me I've been online a lot reading and learning about dealing with my situation.. That's how I ran into LS and see that there are a lot of friends here and a great community.

 

I really wanted to share my story and ask for the advice.

 

So the story goes.. My ex girlfriend and I dated for 2 years.. We've known each other for 4 years prior and clicked the moment we met. She is 2 years older than me and wanted to settle down (I'm 23, she's 25 right now). She wanted a serious relationship with marriage and kids. I was happy at the thought of us settling down and starting a family.. But being as young as I am I became really insecure about being a provider and of my financial situation. So I started working my butt off.. I have a very good commission based job and it can be long hours and very stressing! I basically let my job overcome my life.. I would wake up and sleep with my work and it was like that for almost our whole relationship! And she stood beside me through it all.. The ups and downs..

 

Now the problem occured when I stopped showing appreciation for her.. I stopped being romantic and exciting.. Our lives became routine and boring...

My hard work and stress has payed off financally but our daily life has sucked the flame out of our relationship. I didn't lose track of what she eventually wanted with starting a family, I just didn't see it happening right away.. Maybe in 2-3 years..

 

So one day she tells me that she's moving out and that she wants to break up and have some space... We have been arguing a lot lately.. Because I've been stressed and she was unhappy so I figured it would be a good idea for some space. MISTAKE.

Little did I know that she has already met someone new.. He's 35 years old and spoils her with jewelry, gifts, takes her partying in the clubs and attention and appreciation that I haven't been giving her! Even more is that he's ready and willing to settle down with her!! (Age difference, come on). When I found this out this is when I broke down, with so much emotions coming out I played all my cards wrong.. She has made her decision, she moved out, is dating this new guy and I can't seem to say or do anything about it anymore...

 

I've realized how great she was to me and how ignorant of a boyfriend I was to her.. That I want her back.. I really love her and losing her has made me realize that she should have been at the top of my priorities list.. Not my job, not money..

 

After telling her how I felt and that I wanted to try again.. Be a better man to her.. she told me if she didn't meet this new guy she would be glad to come back for another try.. But she says she let him in already and wants to give him a fair chance..

 

She also told me that she doesn't think she can love this new guy as much as she loved me..

 

So today I am finally accepting that we are over and I am in NC mode.. For a week now... She lives with her new boyfriend.. What's really killing me with confusion and heartache is that when I see her she tells me she loves me, kisses me and hugs me in a very intimate way (but no sex) and sends me text messeges like this..

 

Her: I don't know if I'm making the right decision.. But its a decision I have to live with... I'm so sorry.. My heart hurts for u and for us.. I'm sorry... I really am..

: No words can describe how I feel..

: Its just get harder every time we talk or spend time together...

: I have to pull myself away.. For me but mostly for u.. So u can move on..

 

Then she followed up with

 

Her: My heart is constantly breaking even when I don't think it can even more it does.. I'm in a new relationship but my heart is empty.. So much saddest..

 

Then I asked her

 

Me: Answer this.. Why is your heart breaking?...

Her: Because I feel this is goodbye.. And I could lose everything I've ever wanted..

 

Now here comes my problem.. I want her back but I'm being strong and am hoping that the NC, I mean no calls no texts no emails right now.. Will make her miss me and realize the grass is not greener on the other side with this new guy.. It seems to be working cause I know she is definately thinking about me..

 

But my problem is this.. She sent me a text msg saying

 

"Hi..."

"Hope your doing well"

 

And then 5 days later she texts me

 

"Thinking about you"

 

I'm really confused I really wanted to text her back and tell her I'm thinking about her too! But since its been a month that she moved out and living with her new man I have been strong since I've accepted and commited myself to the NC rules because I feel like this is the only thing working now.. If I want her back..

 

I'm really hoping this guy Is just a rebound and that she will come back to me if I keep working hard into becoming a better, healthier and become that attractive person she fell for before..

 

I don't know what these signs are.. Is she still interested in being with me? Or is she just gradually breaking it off with me for her own sake..? Does it seem like I still have a chance to get her back? I'm so confused.. Sometimes I feel like when she met this guy is when she finally decided to break it off with me.. I'm so confused.. She moved on but are giving me so many signs... Am I reading the signs right?

 

I know this is a lot to read.. I guess I could say I'm venting about my situation but it really does help me putting it out there.. Talking about it and asking for help cause I really do want her back or I really do want to accept it for what it is and move on but its hard when she's showing me these signs.... Thanks for those who take the time to read this and extra thanks to those that post advice or a reply..

Leandro Established Member

Leandro

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I think maybe she is keeping you on the side just incase the other guy doesn't work out. She even told you herself.

she told me if she didn't meet this new guy she would be glad to come back for another try

 

Just stick to NC and focus on work now. Get your life together so that you can be ready to settle down the next time a girl comes along. Just my thought.

poorguy Established Member

poorguy

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You are doing the right thing by going NC. I mean do it!! Question-Do you know anything about the new guy? Not that you need to know-but do you? Like when did they meet and what he's like?

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firerabbit87 New Member

firerabbit87

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She does tell me she doesn't want me to be plan B for her.. I really don't know how to handle the situation.. If she does love me and think about us should I be trying to make things harder between her and her new bf? Like even talking to her and when he's not around she does make an effort to see me and lies to her new bf of what she's doing or whose she's with.. She risks her new relationship by still seeing me and talkjng to me. But this was before I decided to go into NC.. Now she's just sending me these text msgs to get a reaction out of me I guess.. =S

 

 

Yeah she told me how they met.. I was busy working and I paid for her trip home to spend her bday with her family and friends.. And she went clubbing and this new guy paid for the bottles and booth for her birthday.. And I'm assuming she thanked him by keeping in touch through the phone.. And then while I went on a bachalor party to mexico with my boys.. I think that was the last straw for us.. and he flew her down and paid for her ticket to home to spend time with him while I was gone but I didn't know at the time cuz I was in mexico for a week with my phone off.. Then when I came back from mexico that coming weekend.. She said she was goin on a road trip with her friend.. But she lied and her new bf flew into our town and spent the whole weekend with her staying at a hotel.. I was crushed when I found out.. And she blames me for pushing her into another mans arms.. By not showing her appreciation or attention...

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firerabbit87 New Member

firerabbit87

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Also I am sticking with the NC because I really want her to miss me!! I know nobody is perfect and the more time she spends with her new man I know she is seeing things she may like or may not like.. Or what qualities she's looking for that he may not have.. They are in the honeymoon stage still because they've only met in mid september... And I know I can't do anything to change her mind right now.. I'm hoping her experiences living and moving on with someone else will help her realize that its me she wants to spend the rest of her life with...

 

A few signs that she's also showing me that she's still on the fence and thinks about me...

1.) when her and I got together we moved in together and she also changed her life for me.. She moved with me to my town where I worked, quit her job and found a new one closer to mine... Her new bf lives in her hometown (eastcoast) and I know he's telling her to move back there with him and I know she can quit her job and leave tomorrow cause I'm sure he can support her for the first few months til she finds a new job... But she is hesitant and doesn't want to do that for him yet.. I don't know if she's doesn't want to move because she may not love him enough to do that for him.. Or if she's just scared of change and the unknown..

2.) She is posting love songs with references to me on her FB page... Not all the songs are happy.. Some are heartbreak ones... More proof that she has feelings for me that's buried.. And I do realize that some women need a rebound to help them cope with a break up... But the feelings are still there and as I continue NC I hope it draws out the feelings more

3.) With technology these days we actually keep in touch through our blackberries using blackberry messenger.. And I know she uses this tool with her friends and her new boyfriend.. Ever since her new bf flew down and is staying with her at her place, I've been in NC because I don't want her to have her cake and eat it too... In her profile picture of her she is wearing a specific hat that I bought her while we were on our second anniversary.. I don't know what the sign is of that.. But I'm taking it as a positive sign for me.. Cause I know she looks at that picture everyday and I know that when she sees the hat.. All it does is remind her of me..

4.) Usually if someone has truly moved on they will more than likely cut you off and also get rid of things that remind you of each other.. But for her its not true.. She kept things I bought her like the touch screen computer I got her.. And also she dried up the roses I bought her on our anny and keeps them around also...

5.) Her family still keeps in touch with me... This one is also a hard one.. They know about us breaking up and that she's with someone new.. Yet her brother in law still calls me and wants to work with me... He is planning on bringing her sister(his wife) and kids to my town where I work so they can set up a business and he wants to work with me also just to bring income into support the new business they are opening.. I have nothing against them and love them too so I will continue to support them and help them out with whatever they need.. I know that the fact that they r moving closer to me and her.. I know it is giving her ideas to stay where she's at instead of moving back to the east coast... I hope me being close with her immediate family will only help her make the decision to get back with me..

 

I think she expected me to be freaking out and upset and angry at her for moving on with this new guy.. But instead I turned positive, I slowed down with my job, I made an effort into making her feel special and important in my life in the last moments we spent together.. I started grooming better, dressing up more and working out more.. She tells me that when she sees me.. That I am turning back to the person she always knew and wanted me to be... That's why its making it hard for her to completely let go cause when she decided to leave me.. I was a negative stress filled person who normally put my stress out on her when she was "nagging" me for attention.... But now after losing her I set my priorities straight and I've realized that I do want her back, I would trade in anything for her back with me.. I hope my efforts with NC will continue to make her think about me and miss me.. Until then I am gonna continue to stay positive, work hard on my mind, body and soul... For when she decides to come back to me or if she doesn't... Then I guess this is the best way to walk away.. With dignity..

durkadurka Established Member

durkadurka

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Okay I've read some dumb ****, but why would you want a girl like that back? Ever?

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firerabbit87 New Member

firerabbit87

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Its hard durka.. I guess you can say she was my first love.. My first real relationship.. Its hard to just ewalk away.. No matter what happened between us..

durkadurka Established Member

durkadurka

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Its hard durka.. I guess you can say she was my first love.. My first real relationship.. Its hard to just ewalk away.. No matter what happened between us..

 

Dude... no. Not in this case, it would be easy to drop her like a case of aids.

poorguy Established Member

poorguy

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Hey durka. . dude why dont you take some of your own advice with your life. .

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firerabbit87 New Member

firerabbit87

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You are right durka.. In most cases I would flip my lid throw her stuff out the door and tell her I never want to see her again! ( that might be a good thing actually) But I'm different now and I feel like if i did something like that I would have so much negative energy around me.. Anger, frustration.. Being upset.. That would just make things harder for me to cope with the break up and moving on.. I guess its still early in our break up and lots of emotions are still floating around. Its only been a month since she moved out and only been a week since I started NC and already shes already showing me signs that she misses me and thinks about me... With my situation as it is.. what do you guys recommend me to do? Move on, til she realizes what she needs and comes back to me with reconciliation? or.. Move on.. but still try to pry her away slowly and carefully from her new relationship by pressing her emotional buttons..??

 

Right now, I'm sticking to NC.. and I know I am going to get a call soon.. And I'm thinking about being straight up with her.. Telling her that theres no half way between us.. If she decides to continue her relationship with her new bf then I will not be around.. not to talk to or as a friend.. The vibe shes giving me is shes just "giving him a chance" and to see if he is the man of her dreams and her future.. When she makes this decision and lets me know then I will truly accept it and move on for good.

 

Thanks again to all whose read and replied, I know I have been venting a lot about my situation.. I appreciate all that take the time to listen.. Thanks a million...

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firerabbit87 New Member

firerabbit87

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Hey durka. . dude why dont you take some of your own advice with your life. .

 

Durka is not completely wrong.. and in most cases if I did not love her.. She would be out the door already without a second thought..

But realize that throughout our relationship.. She was good to me.. supportive, caring, loving, like family, did everything you can ask for from a woman... What she did to me was wrong.. What I did by ignoring her signs of unhappiness was also very wrong. I've accepted this asked for forgiveness and forgave her for what shes doing.. I can see she is no longer upset with me with the way I mistreated her but now shes stuck in between this new direction she chose and the direction with me that she always wanted...

 

When she does contact me I will have to drop it like a bomb... Its either me or him! ( maybe not in those words though )

durkadurka Established Member

durkadurka

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Hey durka. . dude why dont you take some of your own advice with your life. .

 

Dude this is exceptional, the OP flew her on a trip, where she didn't have the respect or presence of mind to keep her boyfriend at heart.

 

Then, when the guy skips out of town, she flies down to visit the new dude.

 

That's.... unforgettable much less forgivable. It's malicious and with intent.

durkadurka Established Member

durkadurka

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Durka is not completely wrong.. and in most cases if I did not love her.. She would be out the door already without a second thought..

But realize that throughout our relationship.. She was good to me.. supportive, caring, loving, like family, did everything you can ask for from a woman... What she did to me was wrong.. What I did by ignoring her signs of unhappiness was also very wrong. I've accepted this asked for forgiveness and forgave her for what shes doing.. I can see she is no longer upset with me with the way I mistreated her but now shes stuck in between this new direction she chose and the direction with me that she always wanted...

 

When she does contact me I will have to drop it like a bomb... Its either me or him! ( maybe not in those words though )

 

I wouldn't bother, I would just bide your time. If she doesn't come to regret it on her own, do you really want to date a monster like that?

Tonkerponk Member

Tonkerponk

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Dude this is exceptional, the OP flew her on a trip, where she didn't have the respect or presence of mind to keep her boyfriend at heart.

 

Then, when the guy skips out of town, she flies down to visit the new dude.

 

That's.... unforgettable much less forgivable. It's malicious and with intent.

Quoting this because its so true.

 

Keep this in mind: When you left, she PLANNED while you were GONE for a week to go to another man and keep it a secret.

 

What does that say about her personality? Whats to say that even if you made amends that this wouldnt happen again?

 

Find a new girl man. Consider this from an unbiased standpoint, with none of your emotions involved:

 

If she came back, could you really ever forgive her for this, and do you think that your relationship would be as smooth as it was before?

Tonkerponk Member

Tonkerponk

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IF you really wanted to give her a second chance, do something like this:

 

 

Invite her to a neutral public place to 'discuss' things. When she gets there tell her that the only chance she has of being with you again is for her to call this other guy RIGHT THERE ON THE SPOT and tell him its over and that she doesnt want to see him again. Then watch her delete him from her phone, block his number, delete from Fbook or whatever.

 

If she wouldnt do this then move on (not that I would personally give her this chance anyways)

 

Also, keep in mind that even if she does this, whose to say she wouldnt do it again? She already went out of her way once to cheat on you, why not do it again?

 

Actions always speak louder than words my friend.

Edited by Tonkerponk
9Lives Established Member

9Lives

Posted
Posted
Hello LSers, this Is my first post here..

Ever since my ex gf broke it off with me I've been online a lot reading and learning about dealing with my situation.. That's how I ran into LS and see that there are a lot of friends here and a great community.

 

I really wanted to share my story and ask for the advice.

 

So the story goes.. My ex girlfriend and I dated for 2 years.. We've known each other for 4 years prior and clicked the moment we met. She is 2 years older than me and wanted to settle down (I'm 23, she's 25 right now). She wanted a serious relationship with marriage and kids. I was happy at the thought of us settling down and starting a family.. But being as young as I am I became really insecure about being a provider and of my financial situation. So I started working my butt off.. I have a very good commission based job and it can be long hours and very stressing! I basically let my job overcome my life.. I would wake up and sleep with my work and it was like that for almost our whole relationship! And she stood beside me through it all.. The ups and downs..

 

Now the problem occured when I stopped showing appreciation for her.. I stopped being romantic and exciting.. Our lives became routine and boring...

My hard work and stress has payed off financally but our daily life has sucked the flame out of our relationship. I didn't lose track of what she eventually wanted with starting a family, I just didn't see it happening right away.. Maybe in 2-3 years..

 

So one day she tells me that she's moving out and that she wants to break up and have some space... We have been arguing a lot lately.. Because I've been stressed and she was unhappy so I figured it would be a good idea for some space. MISTAKE.

Little did I know that she has already met someone new.. He's 35 years old and spoils her with jewelry, gifts, takes her partying in the clubs and attention and appreciation that I haven't been giving her! Even more is that he's ready and willing to settle down with her!! (Age difference, come on). When I found this out this is when I broke down, with so much emotions coming out I played all my cards wrong.. She has made her decision, she moved out, is dating this new guy and I can't seem to say or do anything about it anymore...

 

I've realized how great she was to me and how ignorant of a boyfriend I was to her.. That I want her back.. I really love her and losing her has made me realize that she should have been at the top of my priorities list.. Not my job, not money..

 

After telling her how I felt and that I wanted to try again.. Be a better man to her.. she told me if she didn't meet this new guy she would be glad to come back for another try.. But she says she let him in already and wants to give him a fair chance..

 

She also told me that she doesn't think she can love this new guy as much as she loved me..

 

So today I am finally accepting that we are over and I am in NC mode.. For a week now... She lives with her new boyfriend.. What's really killing me with confusion and heartache is that when I see her she tells me she loves me, kisses me and hugs me in a very intimate way (but no sex) and sends me text messeges like this..

 

Her: I don't know if I'm making the right decision.. But its a decision I have to live with... I'm so sorry.. My heart hurts for u and for us.. I'm sorry... I really am..

: No words can describe how I feel..

: Its just get harder every time we talk or spend time together...

: I have to pull myself away.. For me but mostly for u.. So u can move on..

 

Then she followed up with

 

Her: My heart is constantly breaking even when I don't think it can even more it does.. I'm in a new relationship but my heart is empty.. So much saddest..

 

Then I asked her

 

Me: Answer this.. Why is your heart breaking?...

Her: Because I feel this is goodbye.. And I could lose everything I've ever wanted..

 

Now here comes my problem.. I want her back but I'm being strong and am hoping that the NC, I mean no calls no texts no emails right now.. Will make her miss me and realize the grass is not greener on the other side with this new guy.. It seems to be working cause I know she is definately thinking about me..

 

But my problem is this.. She sent me a text msg saying

 

"Hi..."

"Hope your doing well"

 

And then 5 days later she texts me

 

"Thinking about you"

 

I'm really confused I really wanted to text her back and tell her I'm thinking about her too! But since its been a month that she moved out and living with her new man I have been strong since I've accepted and commited myself to the NC rules because I feel like this is the only thing working now.. If I want her back..

 

I'm really hoping this guy Is just a rebound and that she will come back to me if I keep working hard into becoming a better, healthier and become that attractive person she fell for before..

 

I don't know what these signs are.. Is she still interested in being with me? Or is she just gradually breaking it off with me for her own sake..? Does it seem like I still have a chance to get her back? I'm so confused.. Sometimes I feel like when she met this guy is when she finally decided to break it off with me.. I'm so confused.. She moved on but are giving me so many signs... Am I reading the signs right?

 

I know this is a lot to read.. I guess I could say I'm venting about my situation but it really does help me putting it out there.. Talking about it and asking for help cause I really do want her back or I really do want to accept it for what it is and move on but its hard when she's showing me these signs.... Thanks for those who take the time to read this and extra thanks to those that post advice or a reply..

 

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAT WORDS. Forget what she is saying LOOK at what she is doing and doing and doing. She made a decision, let her live with her decision. You are not the fallback guy. You are a man! You not her side kick or yoyo. Quit being weak. Let her cry to you all about this and that. She played you and now she want all this attention. She cant have her cake and eat it too. She made a decision....live with your decision boo.

dk.bnz.chi Established Member

dk.bnz.chi

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if she's dating someone new u should date someone new or play video games ,whatever comes first i guess:)

dk.bnz.chi Established Member

dk.bnz.chi

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9lives u know that u only got 4 lives left?

 

u know why?

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firerabbit87 New Member

firerabbit87

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Thanks so much everyone.. Everyday that goes by I'm feeling better about the situation..

 

I am still in NC, and I am going to take your guys advice and just move on.. I'm not gonna show her I want/need her any more.. If she wants to get back with me shes going to have to show me, not feed me a bunch a ****.. Shes doing it cause she knows it stirs up feelings.. I won't let it any more. Thanks everyone sometimes I need that straight up in the face advice..

 

Thanks everyone! :)

Darren Steez Established Member

Darren Steez

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You're not going to move on as long as you keep hanging on to some chance she'll come back to you. she's living with someone else, most likely screwing him and writing to you that her heart is breaking yada yada. You're not a plan B or C, you're just an emotional plaything to her, she's keeping you around because it feel nice to be loved and wanted, I'm sure it makes her feel very sexy and empowered but it's at your expense my friend. I'm sure you hope she'll come to her senses and realise the huge mistake she made and come running back to you, I'm sure she's thinking about it while she flat out screwing her new man. Each day is difficult and you'll get the support you need here but continue no contact, I think you'll find after a while she'll text or call asking how you are doing and coping, its all bull****. Is this the type of person you want to spend your life with? She's with someone else now, find yourself someone new and don't make the same mistakes as you did before. Good luck.

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