photojane Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 We met 10 years ago. Dated for 6 years. Talked about how neither of us wanted kids. Got married in 2006. We've been having a rough patch but are seeing a therapist and things had been going well. Last Tuesday, he is distant and says that he needs a break and our personalities may be "too different". On Wednesday night he came back, super apologetic, taking responsibility for a lot of our communication issues and interested in private therapy to better himself. So 2 days go by and things are good. I am SO happy he is back and we cant get back to making our marriage work. Well last night in an effort to communicate better, he tells me that he now wants kids. I am horrified. I never expected this happen to me. I would rather die than have kids. I am sure. We talk, I cry, he apologizes. He says he knows that we cant have kids now anyways (we are financially not doing well at all) but that he cant be sure what he will decide in the future. I feel that my options are: 1- stay with him and realize that he will probably grow to resent me 2- stay with him until he decides to leave for someone willing to have kids 3- leave him now All three options sound horrible. I love him. I want to be married to him. Happily and not have to live a life of worry and blame. What do I do?
hART Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 I'm undecided on the kids issue myself. I don't want to be pregnant, but I'd consider adopting or being a stepmom. It seems so difficult to end a successful marriage due to the childfree lifestyle. If he is definite on this issue, I'd consider the third option. That way he doesn't resent you, doesn't cheat and you can move on to finding a man who matches your lifestyle.
tojaz Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 I feel that my options are: 1- stay with him and realize that he will probably grow to resent me 2- stay with him until he decides to leave for someone willing to have kids 3- leave him now All three options sound horrible. I love him. I want to be married to him. Happily and not have to live a life of worry and blame. What do I do? Ah tough one, I wonder why you see these as your only three options and making a decision based on what you think he may do in the future, especially since it sounds like you are quite happy at the prospect of healing your marriage. Pretty cliche' around here that communication is all important, and its threads like this that tell me why. Doesn't anybody talk anymore? My marriage ended, based largely on the subject of kids. Not totally but as was written by my ex in her kiss off letter, it played a large part. It was a conversation i had been trying to have with her for years before we married, and had always been brushed aside without a resolution. When I proposed, I honestly was still undecided and had gotten no input from her, but I did come to terms with he fact that I could live and would be very happy with her, regardless if we would ever start a family or not. A couple years later as we planned for our long term future I brought up the subject again. While I had gone into the conversation fully accepted that a family was probably not in the cards for us and really just wanted to know her intentions for the future, I was rather frustrated after years of tap dancing around the subject and let it show. While I didn't know it at the time, but that was a turning point for us, and not long after that she wanted out. I know thats not the same situation as you Jane. Yes, he changed his mind. The thing I'm seeing thats similar is how the messages were received. My ex heard "Give me kids or I will leave you" much the same way you seem to be taking this from your H. That was never what i said though, nor was it my intention. Yes the idea of starting a family was stuck in my head and had been for some time, but I never would have sacrificed what I had with her for that. While it was far from a perfect marriage, I loved her and thats why I was with her, not the hope that she would provide children some day or any other reason. Had we been able to have that conversation and she had been able to tell me that she was dead set against it, while I would have been disappointed, I also would have been relieved to get it out in the open. Time is funny about things such as this. You might even change your mind on the subject some day. I did, although that was largely due to who I was with, I may not want to be a parent in my next relationship. Nobody ever knows. I would talk to him, be honest about how you feel on the subject. While he wants kids, is he actually prepared to leave you to get them, or is he trying to open a dialogue on the possibility in the future? Just being honest about the thoughts he has been having as of late. In other words, get a clear view of what is really going on before you panic and whittle your available options down to leaving or being left. TOJAZ
Author photojane Posted December 4, 2010 Author Posted December 4, 2010 Thanks for the replies. Well for reasons I don't know, it sounds like he dies want to leave now. I called my therapist because I'm having a really hard time dealing with this. I will see her Monday, he on Tuesday and together on Thursday. Until then he asked me to calm down and stop talking about it and I don't know how. I feel now like I'm driving him away by being crushed c
hART Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 It is hard to not mention it when it is an issue in the relationship. Take some quiet time away from him. If you feel like saying it, breathe and think, "that isn't going to help anything, we see a therapist on Thursday" If it seems important write it down or post it.
Enema Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 Good on you for sticking with your convictions. I know a number of people that profess to not want kids but I reckon they'd probably back down if their partner really put the pressure on. A huge mistake. How old are you guys? Sounds like there will be plenty of time for you to continue your life and find a partner on the same page as you.
You Go Girl Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 Since this is the first time he has ever mentioned wanting children, I think you should take this in stride. It is not as if it has been an ongoing battle. It is not like he ever mentioned it before. It is rather out of the blue, don't you think? Knowing that, he must have vascillated on this issue in his own head without sharing. Knowing that he has vascillated on this issue, then it is more likely than not that he will vascillate again. In otherwords--give it some time--next week he could look at you and say, Yeah, that was a crazy thought. There's just no knowing what he's going to think in the future. But logic tells me that since this desire appeared rather out of the blue, it must just disappear back into it. Unstable. Weak convictions. Vascillating desires.
tojaz Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 Since this is the first time he has ever mentioned wanting children, I think you should take this in stride. It is not as if it has been an ongoing battle. It is not like he ever mentioned it before. It is rather out of the blue, don't you think? Knowing that, he must have vascillated on this issue in his own head without sharing. Knowing that he has vascillated on this issue, then it is more likely than not that he will vascillate again. In otherwords--give it some time--next week he could look at you and say, Yeah, that was a crazy thought. There's just no knowing what he's going to think in the future. But logic tells me that since this desire appeared rather out of the blue, it must just disappear back into it. Unstable. Weak convictions. Vascillating desires. Exactly what i was thinking YGG. Jane has said that there were already troubles in the relationship that they are working through. A break up or near miss has a way of making some one reevaluate their lives, and their desires. May not necessarily be kids hes looking for but possibly the reaction from Jane. He may not know that now, but it could be any number of things, a need to cement the relationship. Or possibly as much as I hate to say it, a way of creating conflict, by the way you briefly describe your rough patch, one day too different and needs a break and the next wanting therapy and to make it work. All the more reason to talk to him, and with a counselor present is even better. TOJAZ
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