Be true to YOURSELF

[Silly_Girl]

You know, all this talk of moral compasses and lack of care/empathy to others... It's a bloody minefield!!

 

I think what matters, in this - in everything - is that you are true to YOURSELF. That's all anyone can ever ask. For some people, it could never be right to be in a relationship with someone who's married, whether the spouse has been missing for 5 years, or had a stack of babies with someone else a million miles away. Everyone is different. Only you know your situation, and as long as you don't ignore red flags, you should judge things based on what you know and your own personal boundaries.

 

I struggled very much with the fact I had got involved with someone who was married. I still get chills when I remember some of the nightmares I had, of her, of him, all sorts of weird, creepy scenarios. I spent hours and hours out walking or driving, thinking it over, and also talking it over with MM, going round in circles, trying to convince myself to walk away, trying to convince myself there was no future and it was doomed.

 

When he faltered first time round, about moving out, I skidaddled. I was mortified and got really indignant about the whole thing. But that wasn't me being true to myself. I HAD to give it a chance. I had to know. I had a firm belief that our relationship was the right thing - for ALL of the parties concerned. I am so happy I went back, that I followed my heart AND my head. No matter what happens from here, good or bad, I can be satisfied with my actions.

 

Other people's opinions are just that: other people's opinions. If being true to yourself means kicking his ass out and going NC and reclaiming your life and your sanity and leaving him to his, and finding someone available, then that's what you must do. But if being true to yourself is staying with him, then that's for you to do; you know the consequences (if you've read any threads round here, you MUST know the consequences!!); if you understand the potential devastation infidelity can bring about, and you're aware and alert and you still think you're doing the right thing, all things considered, by standing by your man, then no one can ask for more. Lying to yourself is where it all goes wrong. If you make a wrong call, some posts on a forum in a few months or years time will mean nothing, but you have to live with yourself for the entire rest of your life. So be sure, and be happy

[thomasb]

But if being true to yourself is staying with him, then that's for you to do; you know the consequences (if you've read any threads round here, you MUST know the consequences!!); if you understand the potential devastation infidelity can bring about, and you're aware and alert and you still think you're doing the right thing, all things considered, by standing by your man, then no one can ask for more.

 

 

The problem with this statement is the fact that he is not your man! He has made vows with someone else. You are putting yourself down and relegating yourself to second best.

[woinlove]

The problem with this statement is the fact that he is not your man! He has made vows with someone else. You are putting yourself down and relegating yourself to second best.

 

Well, to the OW, I think he seems like her man. However, if one called a spade a spade and changed SG's sentence to standing by someone else's husband, it doesn't sound so attractive, does it?

 

I agree that for women who are capable of loving and capable of making a commitment, then choosing to be the OW is not valuing themselves enough. Such women don't really prefer to stand by someone else's husband, but they put up with it.

[jennie-jennie]

Well, to the OW, I think he seems like her man. However, if one called a spade a spade and changed SG's sentence to standing by someone else's husband, it doesn't sound so attractive, does it?

 

I agree that for women who are capable of loving and capable of making a commitment, then choosing to be the OW is not valuing themselves enough. Such women don't really prefer to stand by someone else's husband, but they put up with it.

 

Well, if we are going to look at it that way, how does being married to someone else's lover sound? There are a lot of WSs out there who no longer have sex with their wives, only with their OW. Or, like described in a blog by a MM I just read, they have sex with their wives and make love to their OW.

 

Wonderful post, SG! :bunny:

[woinlove]

Well, if we are going to look at it that way, how does being married to someone else's lover sound? There are a lot of WSs out there who no longer have sex with their wives, only with their OW. Or, like described in a blog by a MM I just read, they have sex with their wives and make love to their OW.

 

Wonderful post, SG! :bunny:

 

In open marriages, one typically has set the conditions for having other lovers, and it probably sounds perfectly fine to them. If the marriage is not open and the spouse is secretly fooling around, or was until it was discovered, I think essentially all BS would say it really hurts and makes them feel awful.

[desertIslandCactus]

You know, all this talk of moral compasses and lack of care/empathy to others... It's a bloody minefield!!

 

I think what matters, in this - in everything - is that you are true to YOURSELF. That's all anyone can ever ask. For some people, it could never be right to be in a relationship with someone who's married, whether the spouse has been missing for 5 years, or had a stack of babies with someone else a million miles away. Everyone is different. Only you know your situation, and as long as you don't ignore red flags, you should judge things based on what you know and your own personal boundaries.

 

I struggled very much with the fact I had got involved with someone who was married. I still get chills when I remember some of the nightmares I had, of her, of him, all sorts of weird, creepy scenarios. I spent hours and hours out walking or driving, thinking it over, and also talking it over with MM, going round in circles, trying to convince myself to walk away, trying to convince myself there was no future and it was doomed.

 

When he faltered first time round, about moving out, I skidaddled. I was mortified and got really indignant about the whole thing. But that wasn't me being true to myself. I HAD to give it a chance. I had to know. I had a firm belief that our relationship was the right thing - for ALL of the parties concerned. I am so happy I went back, that I followed my heart AND my head. No matter what happens from here, good or bad, I can be satisfied with my actions.

 

Other people's opinions are just that: other people's opinions. If being true to yourself means kicking his ass out and going NC and reclaiming your life and your sanity and leaving him to his, and finding someone available, then that's what you must do. But if being true to yourself is staying with him, then that's for you to do; you know the consequences (if you've read any threads round here, you MUST know the consequences!!); if you understand the potential devastation infidelity can bring about, and you're aware and alert and you still think you're doing the right thing, all things considered, by standing by your man, then no one can ask for more. Lying to yourself is where it all goes wrong. If you make a wrong call, some posts on a forum in a few months or years time will mean nothing, but you have to live with yourself for the entire rest of your life. So be sure, and be happy

 

"Standing by your man" is in marriage. He is 'your man' and devotion is expected.

 

Being true to oneself is Not acceptable, because others must Always be considered in our decisions from the time we leave the house in the morning, incl driving - etc.

[desertIslandCactus]

Well, if we are going to look at it that way, how does being married to someone else's lover sound? There are a lot of WSs out there who no longer have sex with their wives, only with their OW. Or, like described in a blog by a MM I just read, they have sex with their wives and make love to their OW.

 

Wonderful post, SG! :bunny:

 

How about: Someone has come in from the outside, A Stranger in the Night - and interrupted the marriage. Or how about: even a vulnerable marriage, is not ours to try to destroy.

[Confused4Now]

You know, all this talk of moral compasses and lack of care/empathy to others... It's a bloody minefield!!

 

I think what matters, in this - in everything - is that you are true to YOURSELF. That's all anyone can ever ask. For some people, it could never be right to be in a relationship with someone who's married, whether the spouse has been missing for 5 years, or had a stack of babies with someone else a million miles away. Everyone is different. Only you know your situation, and as long as you don't ignore red flags, you should judge things based on what you know and your own personal boundaries.

 

I struggled very much with the fact I had got involved with someone who was married. I still get chills when I remember some of the nightmares I had, of her, of him, all sorts of weird, creepy scenarios. I spent hours and hours out walking or driving, thinking it over, and also talking it over with MM, going round in circles, trying to convince myself to walk away, trying to convince myself there was no future and it was doomed.

 

When he faltered first time round, about moving out, I skidaddled. I was mortified and got really indignant about the whole thing. But that wasn't me being true to myself. I HAD to give it a chance. I had to know. I had a firm belief that our relationship was the right thing - for ALL of the parties concerned. I am so happy I went back, that I followed my heart AND my head. No matter what happens from here, good or bad, I can be satisfied with my actions.

 

Other people's opinions are just that: other people's opinions. If being true to yourself means kicking his ass out and going NC and reclaiming your life and your sanity and leaving him to his, and finding someone available, then that's what you must do. But if being true to yourself is staying with him, then that's for you to do; you know the consequences (if you've read any threads round here, you MUST know the consequences!!); if you understand the potential devastation infidelity can bring about, and you're aware and alert and you still think you're doing the right thing, all things considered, by standing by your man, then no one can ask for more. Lying to yourself is where it all goes wrong. If you make a wrong call, some posts on a forum in a few months or years time will mean nothing, but you have to live with yourself for the entire rest of your life. So be sure, and be happy

GREAT pose SG....I couldn't have said any better. Be true to yourself always!!!

[Silly_Girl]

Being true to oneself is Not acceptable, because others must Always be considered in our decisions from the time we leave the house in the morning, incl driving - etc.

 

Being true to yourself doesn't mean being selfish and only doing things that mean a gain for oneself - at least it certainly doesn't for me. It means weighing everything up, and in your heart of hearts being happy that you are doing the right thing, that you can live with consequences, be aware of your behaviour and its consequences. It's the whole thing. Your conscience, your inner boundaries, your happiness. Most people (who are not sociopaths) WILL have considered others and are aware that there are things we do which impact on others. If you can hold your head high and stand by your actions, AFTER you've considered those things, so be it. It's pointless doing something on a short-term whim that gives you nothing but upset and guilt and worry. If you're going to do something, do it properly, I say.

[MorningCoffee]

Being true to yourself doesn't mean being selfish and only doing things that mean a gain for oneself - at least it certainly doesn't for me. It means weighing everything up, and in your heart of hearts being happy that you are doing the right thing, that you can live with consequences, be aware of your behaviour and its consequences. It's the whole thing. Your conscience, your inner boundaries, your happiness. Most people (who are not sociopaths) WILL have considered others and are aware that there are things we do which impact on others. If you can hold your head high and stand by your actions, AFTER you've considered those things, so be it. It's pointless doing something on a short-term whim that gives you nothing but upset and guilt and worry. If you're going to do something, do it properly, I say.

 

I agree with Silly_Girl, and see it as having inner integrity. That does not mean that one's actions or inactions have no negative consequences for others, but that one is conscious of the ramifications and makes a conscious decision.

 

For example, millions of us drive vehicles powered by gasoline/petrol. I am aware that in some nations, multinational oil companies have used brutal tactics, even sometimes allegedly teaming with local paramilitary militias, to maintain control of the supplies and the oil fields. No question, that has hurt the people of those countries who may work for or be oppressed by those companies. In others, the oil riches support a tiny elite while the vast majority live in subsistence. Nevertheless, I knowingly drive a car using gasoline/petrol and will do so until a better alternative is in general use for an economic cost.

 

My point is not to start a debate on exploitation of developing world resources, but to point out that there must be rational limits to refraining or taking actions based solely upon some perceived chain of connection that ultimately hurts someone else.

 

Another, perhaps better, example: CS Lewis wrote (paraphrasing from memory here) that when one enters into a loving relationship with another, one person will inevitably lose the other -- a lover might leave, a spouse might die, a child might abandon the family, whatever the cause. And that there will be great pain. That pain is the price, he says, of entering into the loving relationship. If I act solely in a selfish manner, then I will keep my distance and not get close to anyone because of the inevitable hurt that will be visited upon me, or upon them, or upon us both.

 

But with integrity, or as Silly_Girl says, if I am true to myself having thought through all the consequences, then I am free to act and to love -- I must however be prepared to accept the responsibility for my actions as well as for the hurt that may come to any affected party.

 

This is a lesson I have learned through the affair. May not always measure up, but am trying consciously to live with integrity.

[spice4life]

I hear what you are saying with this post and you're right we all have to be true to ourselves. When I think back over the A, I now see that I was treated the same all the way through with a short exception in the very beginning. I blame myself for how things went in the beginning though...I made a lot of mistakes that I will always remember. And...will never do again.

 

I always had a problem being a second option and voiced it many many times. I often wondered why he always came back and tried to work around that issue to keep things going. I allowed it though, even after learning to truth much later and for that I accept full responsibility. The only way I can be true to myself is to not accept crumbs...crumbs that were never more than they were. No matter how I looked at it, the crumbs were always the same, nothing more and nothing less. Even toward the end, when I finally started to give up, I tried accepting the occasional tryst thinking this is ok for now and this is all I need...wrong! Even then I was going against the true me. No matter how I spun it, I always ended up feeling the same...feeling like I was an option, a person who accepted crumbs. Ugh! That's not me...not me at all. I have no one to blame but myself for that. I certainly can't blame him if I allowed it to happen...right?

 

I still wonder why he wanted to make it work knowing that I would never ever be comfortable accepting what was being offered. He said he cared deeply about me, but did he? If he knew I wasn't okay with the statis quo and he truly cared about me, why would he keep trying to reel me back in? That is what I am having the hardest time understanding right now. I thought I was past all of this but I guess I'm really not. It is all hitting me like a ton of bricks right now. I was doing so good before and now this. WTH?

 

sorry for rambling here. You are right, it is about being true to yourself no matter what your heart is telling you. If you can't accept the A for what it is you have to do both you and your MM a favor and let it go.

Edited December 4, 2010 by spice4life

[pureinheart]

You know, all this talk of moral compasses and lack of care/empathy to others... It's a bloody minefield!!

 

I think what matters, in this - in everything - is that you are true to YOURSELF. That's all anyone can ever ask. For some people, it could never be right to be in a relationship with someone who's married, whether the spouse has been missing for 5 years, or had a stack of babies with someone else a million miles away. Everyone is different. Only you know your situation, and as long as you don't ignore red flags, you should judge things based on what you know and your own personal boundaries.

 

I struggled very much with the fact I had got involved with someone who was married. I still get chills when I remember some of the nightmares I had, of her, of him, all sorts of weird, creepy scenarios. I spent hours and hours out walking or driving, thinking it over, and also talking it over with MM, going round in circles, trying to convince myself to walk away, trying to convince myself there was no future and it was doomed.

 

When he faltered first time round, about moving out, I skidaddled. I was mortified and got really indignant about the whole thing. But that wasn't me being true to myself. I HAD to give it a chance. I had to know. I had a firm belief that our relationship was the right thing - for ALL of the parties concerned. I am so happy I went back, that I followed my heart AND my head. No matter what happens from here, good or bad, I can be satisfied with my actions.

 

Other people's opinions are just that: other people's opinions. If being true to yourself means kicking his ass out and going NC and reclaiming your life and your sanity and leaving him to his, and finding someone available, then that's what you must do. But if being true to yourself is staying with him, then that's for you to do; you know the consequences (if you've read any threads round here, you MUST know the consequences!!); if you understand the potential devastation infidelity can bring about, and you're aware and alert and you still think you're doing the right thing, all things considered, by standing by your man, then no one can ask for more. Lying to yourself is where it all goes wrong. If you make a wrong call, some posts on a forum in a few months or years time will mean nothing, but you have to live with yourself for the entire rest of your life. So be sure, and be happy

 

Hi SG:),

 

ExDM used to say.."hey, we're all just people trying to make it through a day". When I heard that, it hurt me. To live your entire life, or a good part of it in "survival mode" is rather unnerving...especially the fact that I could understand what he was saying and agree.

 

I misunderstood my purpose for his life. It got taken further than it should have. He would always in desparation communicate that he needed a friend. He was confused and scared. I was self assured and confident 'thinking' I had all of the answers. God kept telling me to get out of the way. I finally listened and then things began to move.

 

I could post all over these boards hate, as there have been many 'wrongs' commited against me, BUT I would be lying to myself because I don't hate, there is no room for hate. I do hurt very badly though and maybe I never really knew how to deal with hurt and just put it away as there was not time to deal with it back then...put a band-aid on it because I had to get up for work at 3am and wouldn't get home until 5 or 6 pm seven days a week sometimes.

 

It's really easy to sit back and judge other people, to be cruel to them for what is perceived to be wrong (which it sometimes is wrong)...BUT, there are those little details that can't be communicated in a post for whatever reason and I really believe that we should all be given the benefit of the doubt.

[Star_Bright]

The problem with this statement is the fact that he is not your man! He has made vows with someone else. You are putting yourself down and relegating yourself to second best.

 

Hi Silly_Girl. I was thinking along these lines that ThomasB already posted. I think you have a unique perspective and I find a lot of your posts intriguing and I really try to understand where you're coming from and how you arrive at your views.

 

So if you care to indulge me, I was just wondering how being true to yourself could equate to being with a man you love when that man is still married to someone else?

 

I really try to wrap my head around this. It was/sometimes still is hard not to be with exMM and for awhile I used to think, maybe if I had just been more patient and understanding, or waited longer... but then I always was right back to thinking, no way, I couldn't do it, it just wasn't me, to share, or to be with someone who said he loves me and wants to be with me but yet didn't/couldn't take the necessary steps. I am really trying to understand how some OW are okay with this. Maybe it's not necessary for me to understand, I guess it's really not!, but it just intrigues me a lot, and with your post about being true to yourself... I know everyone is different and me being true to myself may not be the same as you being true to yourself. But to me, I wasn't being true to myself by settling for less than I really wanted, which was a fulll-time exclusive R w/ exMM. And I also couldn't justify helping him hurt his wife anymore.

 

I'm not trying ot lecture you or make you see things my way. I'm just honestly wondering what your response is to this. How do you reconcile being true to yourself with being in a secretive/hidden/less-than-you-want relationship? (I know I'm assuming that your A is secretive and your R with MM is less than the R you really want. So if my assumptions are wrong, I apologize).

 

I totally agree it's never good to lie to oneself. 100%.

[Pink_orchid]

Hello SG how are thing's with you, would you give us an update.

[pureinheart]

I agree with Silly_Girl, and see it as having inner integrity. That does not mean that one's actions or inactions have no negative consequences for others, but that one is conscious of the ramifications and makes a conscious decision.

 

For example, millions of us drive vehicles powered by gasoline/petrol. I am aware that in some nations, multinational oil companies have used brutal tactics, even sometimes allegedly teaming with local paramilitary militias, to maintain control of the supplies and the oil fields. No question, that has hurt the people of those countries who may work for or be oppressed by those companies. In others, the oil riches support a tiny elite while the vast majority live in subsistence. Nevertheless, I knowingly drive a car using gasoline/petrol and will do so until a better alternative is in general use for an economic cost.

 

My point is not to start a debate on exploitation of developing world resources, but to point out that there must be rational limits to refraining or taking actions based solely upon some perceived chain of connection that ultimately hurts someone else.

 

Another, perhaps better, example: CS Lewis wrote (paraphrasing from memory here) that when one enters into a loving relationship with another, one person will inevitably lose the other -- a lover might leave, a spouse might die, a child might abandon the family, whatever the cause. And that there will be great pain. That pain is the price, he says, of entering into the loving relationship. If I act solely in a selfish manner, then I will keep my distance and not get close to anyone because of the inevitable hurt that will be visited upon me, or upon them, or upon us both.

 

But with integrity, or as Silly_Girl says, if I am true to myself having thought through all the consequences, then I am free to act and to love -- I must however be prepared to accept the responsibility for my actions as well as for the hurt that may come to any affected party.

 

This is a lesson I have learned through the affair. May not always measure up, but am trying consciously to live with integrity.

 

Most people are unable to look beyond this concept because it's easier to live in the blame. If one looks at many industries that we put money into, the products we use and take for granted, many are getting hurt...so where does it really end.

 

My best friends AP was in an arranged M...he did not love his W and therefore didnot have that connection that might keep one "at home". There are so many senarios.

 

Why is there so much hate and blame placed on the AP? It reminds me of a situation that happened with my ex-inlaws...their daughter got kicked in the back by the brothers kid...the kids were playing, it was an accident. Come to find out the daughter came up with cancer and "the kick" caused it to surface. The family blamed the cousin that kicked her!!!!!! The cancer was there already, he just caused it to surface and her life was actually saved.

 

I am a strong believer that good things happen out of bad situations, and at the risk of my words being taken out of context, I am not saying to create a bad situation, or do something bad, I am saying Good always comes, it's always there.

[desertIslandCactus]

Goodie! Another "respect my choices" thread!

Why is it that OW/OM need to beg for acceptance?

Think about it...

 

Another way of looking at it is that people want to be their own judge, their own moral compass .. rather than respecting a higher power.

 

If I did what my heart told me, and with no respect for the things of God, it would be incomplete, inacurate.

 

I could say I thought I loved a man and he was searching, because he contacted me .. Yet that isn't of God. He was in a closed marriage.

 

Truly being true to myself would be that of escaping from a sinful situation.

 

Things that can be considered from the heart (selfishly), and without consideration to others .. and are not of God.

[Breezy Trousers]

How about: Someone has come in from the outside, A Stranger in the Night - and interrupted the marriage. Or how about: even a vulnerable marriage, is not ours to try to destroy.

 

Very true.

 

Unfortunately, when we are strongly tempted, we tend to be extremely self-absorbed and delusional. We tell ourselves stories because then we don't feel bad about our cold intentions.

 

Also, just want to comment --

 

It's common for MM to lie to OW and say there's no sex in the marriage. Sometimes it's true, but often it's not. MM will say this to manipulate the OW into feeling sorry for them and giving themselves away to MM. The pity card works, which is why MM pull it out so often. OW don't question it because it dovetails nicely with their own rationalizations.

 

If there isn't sex, there's often a good reason -- maybe due to the fact that MM is abusing his wife by having affairs? (Yes, affairs. In this day and age, it's naive for any OW to believe she's the only one. Remember how offended Tiger Wood's mistresses were when they discovered they weren't that special? )

[thissecretgirl]

Hi SG:),

 

I could post all over these boards hate, as there have been many 'wrongs' commited against me, BUT I would be lying to myself because I don't hate, there is no room for hate. I do hurt very badly though and maybe I never really knew how to deal with hurt and just put it away as there was not time to deal with it back then...put a band-aid on it because I had to get up for work at 3am and wouldn't get home until 5 or 6 pm seven days a week sometimes.

 

It's really easy to sit back and judge other people, to be cruel to them for what is perceived to be wrong (which it sometimes is wrong)...BUT, there are those little details that can't be communicated in a post for whatever reason and I really believe that we should all be given the benefit of the doubt.

 

SG thanks for your post, I think there is a lot of merit in your perspective and pureinheart the bolded part of your post particularly resonates with me. I share your sentiments.

[steelknife]

I hear what you are saying with this post and you're right we all have to be true to ourselves. When I think back over the A, I now see that I was treated the same all the way through with a short exception in the very beginning. I blame myself for how things went in the beginning though...I made a lot of mistakes that I will always remember. And...will never do again.

 

I always had a problem being a second option and voiced it many many times. I often wondered why he always came back and tried to work around that issue to keep things going. I allowed it though, even after learning to truth much later and for that I accept full responsibility. The only way I can be true to myself is to not accept crumbs...crumbs that were never more than they were. No matter how I looked at it, the crumbs were always the same, nothing more and nothing less. Even toward the end, when I finally started to give up, I tried accepting the occasional tryst thinking this is ok for now and this is all I need...wrong! Even then I was going against the true me. No matter how I spun it, I always ended up feeling the same...feeling like I was an option, a person who accepted crumbs. Ugh! That's not me...not me at all. I have no one to blame but myself for that. I certainly can't blame him if I allowed it to happen...right?

 

I still wonder why he wanted to make it work knowing that I would never ever be comfortable accepting what was being offered. He said he cared deeply about me, but did he? If he knew I wasn't okay with the statis quo and he truly cared about me, why would he keep trying to reel me back in? That is what I am having the hardest time understanding right now. I thought I was past all of this but I guess I'm really not. It is all hitting me like a ton of bricks right now. I was doing so good before and now this. WTH?

If you can't accept the A for what it is you have to do both you and your MM a favor and let it go.

 

if he is being true to himself. he would have started a new life with you. but he is doing what is right. and it is two completely different thing. being true to yourself doesnt necessarily mean doing what is right. and vice versa. at the end of the day, it will always be a choice between that.i know it brings about so much confusion in you. but i can see that you are starting to thnk clearly. when your feelings matters most. and not his anymore.

 

like you, i would never thnk of going thru an affair again, ever. and if he starts luring me in, i will fall because i give him a chance by listening to him. i wont. i will not be the ow again. he can choose wat kind of life he wants to live, in his case; true to himself? or do what is right?

 

i will not be the ow again. i am being true to myself by knowing, believing and living that i CAN NEVER BE THE OW AGAIN. it hurts too much. and now that i hav slowly built a wall, i will only put it down, if he offers what i want him to offer. i am being true to myself. he is not, by believing i would settle again to be the ow. i will be true to myself, but not doing the right thing, if i take him back in his terms. he is doing the right thing, but not true to himself. by staying with bs but still wanting me back. and there, the twine shall never meet.

[siuys]

So if you care to indulge me, I was just wondering how being true to yourself could equate to being with a man you love when that man is still married to someone else?

 

I really try to wrap my head around this. It was/sometimes still is hard not to be with exMM and for awhile I used to think, maybe if I had just been more patient and understanding, or waited longer... but then I always was right back to thinking, no way, I couldn't do it, it just wasn't me, to share, or to be with someone who said he loves me and wants to be with me but yet didn't/couldn't take the necessary steps. I am really trying to understand how some OW are okay with this. Maybe it's not necessary for me to understand, I guess it's really not!, but it just intrigues me a lot, and with your post about being true to yourself... I know everyone is different and me being true to myself may not be the same as you being true to yourself. But to me, I wasn't being true to myself by settling for less than I really wanted, which was a fulll-time exclusive R w/ exMM. And I also couldn't justify helping him hurt his wife anymore.

 

True to myself: I want to be exclusive with xMM and don't want to be the OW. I was willing to be patient and wait for actions, but nothing significant has come about. Instead he's as confused as ever.

 

True to myself: I love him and would rather be with him. Reality is I need to walk away so that I can live my life and not be in this toxic situation. I don't know if that's true to myself, or just reality staring me in the face, that no matter how hard I fight, sometimes it's just a losing battle, or the wrong time. So in the end, I don't know what is true to myself anymore...

[9Lives]

True to myself: I want to be exclusive with xMM and don't want to be the OW. I was willing to be patient and wait for actions, but nothing significant has come about. Instead he's as confused as ever.

 

True to myself: I love him and would rather be with him. Reality is I need to walk away so that I can live my life and not be in this toxic situation. I don't know if that's true to myself, or just reality staring me in the face, that no matter how hard I fight, sometimes it's just a losing battle, or the wrong time. So in the end, I don't know what is true to myself anymore...

 

 

This is funny to me cause true to yourself meant being the bottom btch to another woman. It meant living the secret lifestyle and calling it love. It meant denying yourself the priviledge to be the free in love. It meant giving him the best of both worlds and your life being sacrificed for his emotional well being for HIMSELF. So this is being true to yourself?

 

Well you need to have a meeting with yourself and ask yourself what is really going on. MM dont deserve full commitment from the other woman. If you gonna play the game, put HIM in a box just like he has you in a box.

This aint really love. It is selfishness and more selfishness. It all about that man from start to finish. You are playing his game.

[spice4life]

if he is being true to himself. he would have started a new life with you. but he is doing what is right. and it is two completely different thing. being true to yourself doesnt necessarily mean doing what is right. and vice versa. at the end of the day, it will always be a choice between that.i know it brings about so much confusion in you. but i can see that you are starting to thnk clearly. when your feelings matters most. and not his anymore.

 

like you, i would never thnk of going thru an affair again, ever. and if he starts luring me in, i will fall because i give him a chance by listening to him. i wont. i will not be the ow again. he can choose wat kind of life he wants to live, in his case; true to himself? or do what is right?

 

i will not be the ow again. i am being true to myself by knowing, believing and living that i CAN NEVER BE THE OW AGAIN. it hurts too much. and now that i hav slowly built a wall, i will only put it down, if he offers what i want him to offer. i am being true to myself. he is not, by believing i would settle again to be the ow. i will be true to myself, but not doing the right thing, if i take him back in his terms. he is doing the right thing, but not true to himself. by staying with bs but still wanting me back. and there, the twine shall never meet.

 

Thanks steelknife, I hadn't thought of it that way. There is a difference between doing what is right and what is true.

 

"and there, the twine shall never meet." These words speak volumes to me - they are so true. When I think back, that is how I always felt with him - like there was something in our connection that was never going to be allowed to meet. And after reading all of the stories here, that is just the way it is when you find yourself involved with a person who is committed to another. It's the nature of the relationship.

 

I don't ever want to be in this type of situation again - it hurts the "soul".

[BB07]

SG said.......

You know, all this talk of moral compasses and lack of care/empathy to others... It's a bloody minefield!!

 

It is a minefield for sure.

 

I think what matters, in this - in everything - is that you are true to YOURSELF. That's all anyone can ever ask. For some people, it could never be right to be in a relationship with someone who's married, whether the spouse has been missing for 5 years, or had a stack of babies with someone else a million miles away. Everyone is different. Only you know your situation, and as long as you don't ignore red flags, you should judge things based on what you know and your own personal boundaries.

 

I wasn't true to myself when I got myself involved with (what I thought was a separated man). Even if he had been truly separated, he was still married and I shouldn't have went there. It went against what I feel is morally and ethically right, but yes I did it anyway. Duh on me!

 

If I hadn't crossed that first bridge, I wouldn't have got myself into what I truly knew was an affair. Yes he lied and schemed and played it oh so well, but it still falls back to me. So I ignored red flags and crossed boundaries.....and yes hind sight is 20-20. Then several years later, I found myself in a much bigger mess with him because of my mistakes the first time. I allowed myself to be fooled and I chose to believe someone who obviously showed me the first time that they weren't everything they said they were. He snowed me and I foolishly went along with it, blind trust or did I lie to myself? Some of both I think.

Also in hindsight......I can say that I regret ever knowing him and I was a fool to think that it could work out the second time around, he obviously had already showed me who and what he was, but I just refused to see it. He was and is a cheater....and all that goes with that, the lying and yes he should get an award for being one of the biggest liars on record.

If it sounds like I'm bitter, not so much. Just smarter and wiser and I learned some hard lessons.

 

I struggled very much with the fact I had got involved with someone who was married. I still get chills when I remember some of the nightmares I had, of her, of him, all sorts of weird, creepy scenarios. I spent hours and hours out walking or driving, thinking it over, and also talking it over with MM, going round in circles, trying to convince myself to walk away, trying to convince myself there was no future and it was doomed.

 

When he faltered first time round, about moving out, I skidaddled. I was mortified and got really indignant about the whole thing. But that wasn't me being true to myself. I HAD to give it a chance. I had to know. I had a firm belief that our relationship was the right thing - for ALL of the parties concerned. I am so happy I went back, that I followed my heart AND my head. No matter what happens from here, good or bad, I can be satisfied with my actions.

 

Other people's opinions are just that: other people's opinions. If being true to yourself means kicking his ass out and going NC and reclaiming your life and your sanity and leaving him to his, and finding someone available, then that's what you must do. But if being true to yourself is staying with him, then that's for you to do; you know the consequences (if you've read any threads round here, you MUST know the consequences!!); if you understand the potential devastation infidelity can bring about, and you're aware and alert and you still think you're doing the right thing, all things considered, by standing by your man, then no one can ask for more. Lying to yourself is where it all goes wrong. If you make a wrong call, some posts on a forum in a few months or years time will mean nothing, but you have to live with yourself for the entire rest of your life. So be sure, and be happy

[desertIslandCactus]

I agree BB.

 

Being true to myself happened when I walked away from it, regretted and took responsibility for it. It is freeing.

[WTFBBQ]

How many OW are familiar with the term primum non nocere?