northern_sky Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 I am realizing now that trying to understand the motives of others is pretty much toxic to dating and developing healthy relationships. This whole forum is about indulging that craving. Trying to understand other people will send you down a useless and dangerous pursuit of control. Figure out who you are and forget other people.
irc333 Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 Sorry, but this message board couldn't exist without such things. LOL I am realizing now that trying to understand the motives of others is pretty much toxic to dating and developing healthy relationships. This whole forum is about indulging that craving. Trying to understand other people will send you down a useless and dangerous pursuit of control. Figure out who you are and forget other people.
AlektraClementine Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 Understanding yourself is indeed, a much more fruitful task. However, there's something to be said for trying to understand the motivations of others. But it should be done so in the most objective way possible. Far too often, when trying to understand where someone else is coming from, we think in terms of how we might be thinking. Understanding that the motivations of others are by and large not meant to hurt you, is comforting.
mr.dream merchant Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 I couldn't agree more. In the beginning, during, and in the end of a relationship, this would be beneficial. I am facing the end of my relationship, and I can't for the life of me understand my partner would just up and walk away from something that was overall going pretty well. Maybe it's time for me to let go of that need to justify what she did, and just accept that she's on a different level than I am.
Mme. Chaucer Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 To quote you, "speak for yourself." Understanding other people, their motives and what makes them tick is worthwhile for many of us. For those of us who really have an undeveloped "self," I think that it's a slippery slope and often used for external validation and for manipulative purposes. For such people, I think the effort would be better used for internal work.
Yer_Blues Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 I disagree entirely. The entire reason I want to enter into a relationship is to come into the deepest understanding possible of another person's point of view, motivations, desires, fears, etc. along with them gaining similar insights. It may be a helpful step in moving on for you, and I don't claim to know anything about the situation, it just doesn't sound like the best long term goal to me.
westrock Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 Trying to understand other people will send you down a useless and dangerous pursuit of control. If one's motivation is control, then I agree that it is a useless and dangerous pursuit. However, trying to understand people can also be a worthwhile exercise in that trying to understand other people will send you down a path of acceptance of others and of oneself. To understand other people is to understand oneself.
Mme. Chaucer Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 However, trying to understand people can also be a worthwhile exercise in that trying to understand other people will send you down a path of acceptance of others and of oneself. To understand other people is to understand oneself. Yes, as you said ... when the desire to understand another and their motives is NOT only there to provide ammunition for the seeker to manipulate the other.
Author northern_sky Posted December 4, 2010 Author Posted December 4, 2010 (edited) To quote you, "speak for yourself." Understanding other people, their motives and what makes them tick is worthwhile for many of us. For those of us who really have an undeveloped "self," I think that it's a slippery slope and often used for external validation and for manipulative purposes. For such people, I think the effort would be better used for internal work. Yeah, of course understanding people is useful when it's applied to empathy, but I think I made it pretty clear that's not what I was getting at. Edited December 5, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Stung Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 As others have said, there is a happy medium, and it is important to relationships to be able to understand your partner's point of view, etc. But I think you were referring to the phenomenon wherein some women paralyze themselves by obsessing over minutiae of the other person's behavior, analyzing and re-analzying and overthinking to the nth degree trying to understand why X is behaving like Y, when in reality they should be paying attention to the impact of Y on their lives, setting up their own boundaries and taking care of themselves.
Mme. Chaucer Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 Yeah, of course understanding people is useful when it's applied to empathy, but I think I made it pretty clear that's not what I was getting at. At least we agree on that! You aren't applying it to "empathy." Your choice of words: Trying to understand other people will send you down a useless and dangerous pursuit of control. Figure out who you are and forget other people. implied that you were advising others to follow this advice. Glad to know you were "speaking for yourself" and maybe others who have similar traits to yours in this regard.
dispatch3d Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 I feel like you threw a dart and hit it the 20, but not necessarily the 60. Understanding people has definitely greatly helped me talk/converse with others. It has also hurt me in negatively as well. Like did she do (a) because of y, or blablabla. Which is really very irrelevant. I couldn't agree more about the internal focus thing. Everything should be focused internally.
Sivok Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 I agree and disagree. I agree that knowing yourself is the most important accomplishment in self fulfillment and happy relationships. I disagree in that attempting to understand others is detrimental. I pride myself in my strong intuition and strength of empathy. However, my downfall is trying to empathize with a cancerous person - someone whose problems are so deeply rooted that trying to understand/help them will do nothing but cause you to become unhinged.
dispatch3d Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 I agree and disagree. I agree that knowing yourself is the most important accomplishment in self fulfillment and happy relationships. I disagree in that attempting to understand others is detrimental. I pride myself in my strong intuition and strength of empathy. However, my downfall is trying to empathize with a cancerous person - someone whose problems are so deeply rooted that trying to understand/help them will do nothing but cause you to become unhinged. Could emphasizing with less cancerous people also be hurting you though? And in what ways does it hurt you and why? I think those are all good questions. I find I learn the most from extremes, like extremely successful people, or extremely not successful (in a life outcomes point of view, someone who has everything vs someone who has nothing).
Feelin Frisky Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 Sounds perhaps counter-intuitive but I think you're right Northern. The energy some folks put into finding out what he or she means by this or that--by this Face Book check box or that--by this length of time between texts or that etc etc et al and more ect reveals an under-current of co-dependence where some folks don't know how to be just good and secure in their own skin. The actions or failures to act of others IS the DETERMINANT of how and what they feel. Being secure with ourselves as individuals and reinforcing that we WILL land on our feet no matter what happens is probably the best steps in being "relationship ready". Without that, the neurosis of having what other people do or don't do may drive one to be too problematic to even be involved with. Did I get you right in some ways?
Author northern_sky Posted December 4, 2010 Author Posted December 4, 2010 At least we agree on that! You aren't applying it to "empathy." Your choice of words: implied that you were advising others to follow this advice. Glad to know you were "speaking for yourself" and maybe others who have similar traits to yours in this regard. That's not true either. I am very empathetic of others. Any who knows me can attest to this. But that's not the type of mental energy I was referring to in this thread.
Untouchable_Fire Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 That's not true either. I am very empathetic of others. Any who knows me can attest to this. But that's not the type of mental energy I was referring to in this thread. There is something called Emotional IQ. If you have the EIQ of mashed potatoes... understanding others is futile. I would also like to point out the correlation between being self absorbed, being depressed, and struggling to understand what makes others tick. My suggestion is this... if you want to understand others learn empathy first. Not sympathy... empathy. Once you do that it will help you in ways you cannot even imagine.
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