celes Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 I'm undergoing a breakup with my current bf, we've been together for 5 years and he is my first. But recently in the last 2 years i felt like I have grown and he was unable to keep up, i don't exactly know why i think I should break up, but the last year i have felt that our future together is getting dimmer and dimmer. I feel like a very bad person, we have been through quite a lot together, we had our memorable times but i don't think i feel secure with him anymore. He's 28, through the 5 years we've been together he never had a job that has lasted over 2 months. he doesn't have a certified college education but he studied and kept on changing universities throughout the 5 years that we have been together. Its just that through our relationship he didn't change, i have graduated from a bachelors degree and working part time, and he has been jobless and suspended from university for months. I know he tried to search for a job but no body want to hire him, and i don't want to pin this on him, saying that its his fault. in these 5 years i became his driver as he doesn't have a driving license or money for a car, and when he doesn't have enough money, i became his atm. I love him, but i don't know if thats the truth now. when i propose on breaking up with him, I felt sad but i didn't feel a lot of remorse. I felt dreaded that there will be nobody to do things with me anymore like watching tv, going out, going to movies or just basically teasing. he said he doesn't want to break up, I don't really want to as well because we have invested a lot on these 5 years. Any advice please? shall i stay with him and fix things through? what does it feel like to break up? I feel very definate about this decision, but would i regret it more and more each day? thanks.
jam88 Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 Hi Celes, 5 years is a very long time! i will go through this with you bit by bit i post long msgs tho be warned lol. 'in the last 2 years i felt like I have grown and he was unable to keep up' is this down to you thinking he is mature or imature in the sense he hasnt matured enough? Or is it down to you thinking that your ahead of him only because you have a different lifestyle? If it was one then thats up to him entirely.. whether it be his attitude, his maturity or the way he looks at life. You should tell him why it isnt working for you (truth and communication is key). If he loves you he will change. however if your mistaking him being behind just because you have a different lifestyle then this isnt really about him being behind but him wanting to live his life that way. If thats the case if you loved him you wouldnt mind him the way he is (that might just be his way of life). 'i don't exactly know why i think I should break up, but the last year i have felt that our future together is getting dimmer and dimmer' If there is a reason you must ask yourself why. If you feel the future is getting dimmer and dimmer perhaps there is a reason for why you feel that? Is he making you happy? Are you making him happy? Do you do things together? Do you enjoy being with him? Will you accept him as he is or will he have to change? 'I feel like a very bad person' Are you guilty of something? Personally i think if you feel something you should go with it. But if you have no reason for breaking up then i think you should understand what that reason is before you do breakup. If you have no reason for breaking up then he may not trust you again.. you need to lay your cards down on the table of what you want in a partner. 'i don't think i feel secure with him anymore' this could be one of many reasons why you dont feel right with him. have you told him you dont feel secure with him? 'he doesn't have a certified college education but he studied and kept on changing universities throughout the 5 years that we have been together.' why did this happen? 'Its just that through our relationship he didn't change' unfortunately some people dont change and i dont suggest any girl go out with a guy who isnt mature (in that way) in the first place.. though you could have met him when you were younger so i understand. You either have to live with it or move on. IF hes done bad and not done anything in favour of you (basically if hes being selfish and not doing his best) then you have every right to tell him that hes not acting his age if hes messing about. 'I know he tried to search for a job but no body want to hire him, and i don't want to pin this on him' I wouldnt be selective about this.. just because he hasnt got an offer doesnt mean you should sack him. Atleast hes trying! Now i could understand if he was a lay about not trying to get a job. 'i became his driver as he doesn't have a driving license or money for a car, and when he doesn't have enough money, i became his atm' he seems very dependant on you and maybe thats the problem.. however i will say if he doesnt want to drive i dont blame him because im 22 and i dont drive yet either. But yep if you feel he depends on you alot it can be quite bothersome. 'he said he doesn't want to break up, I don't really want to as well because we have invested a lot on these 5 years.' dropping 5 years of effort can feel like a waste (to be more clearer, a great time but dropping it seems like it was wasted). Your either thinking it will 'change' sticking around or you know he isnt the one. I think he could be and you should give him a chance. I cant really make a decision for you but he may need to get a full time job or complete uni. then you can have that grownup professional adult relationship you want If he is trying his best at uni and whatnot then i wouldnt be on his back too much. If you know he isnt trying his best then tell him he is too dependant on you and he needs to complete uni or get a job. If you are at uni i dont neccesarily think you need to have a job if your course is difficult. BUT if he needs income then obv then he needs both. 'shall i stay with him and fix things through?' i say yes to this and i wish you luck somewhere i feel you still love him but he needs to change soemthing i think. All the best, jam
Author celes Posted December 4, 2010 Author Posted December 4, 2010 thans jam88 for the reply. yes you are right he is very dependent on me. I'm a control freak and i know that i nag a lot like a mother. like i don't really want him to change completely for me there are particular aspects that defines him and i don't want to change that. well i do feel happy with him, he is kinda like my best friend, but sometimes we can't work well together as we are both very stubborn. I am very emotionally open to him, i do tell him when I feel insecure in this relationship, I told him a year or 2 ago on particular things like getting a drivers license or just getting a job. like he is very nice to me, he makes me happy most of the time. but some of the time i think he is like a kid, like once he wanted to buy a REALLY expensive brand name jacket and I was advising him not to buy it otherwise he wouldn't have enough money to pay his bills, food for the week and food for his pet, but he loudly argued with me in the middle of the mall on dictating him on how he live his life, he didnt buy it in the end and stayed mad all the way home. thing is after a week when we were talking about this, he said he didn't like that jacket after a few tries on that day. for years I have been waiting for him to be a grownup professional. I tried to be a supporting gf. when he needed more money i gave it to him, when he needs to go to particular places, i drove him. but i don't know, because in a relationship you can't really CHANGE a person just like that, it takes a few years to gradually change for one another. but I think i'm tired of waiting
jam88 Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 you sound like a very good girlfriend.. id just identify for him what he could change. If you tell him he needs to pass uni or get a job i dont think there is anything wrong with saying that for instance. He should understand. It should be the kick up the butt he needs perhaps. I think telling him that will also make him realise that he needs to do it otherwise he will never be able to hold down a family/house/marriage.. and he risks losing you. How old are you two btw? if you are both 21 onwards i would think your at that age now where your starting to see things differently and that clubbin and drinking is of less importance and that work and keeping close to loved one is even more important. Ive just gone to that phase XD 'i do feel happy with him' thats exactly how im understanding it too. i think theres things to work on and these things could be fixed or worked on for sure 'sometimes we can't work well together as we are both very stubborn.' this is how me and my last gf were. except we argued alot. i think the solution to this is just to agree more and not be selective.. in other words i find that if one or two people are picky it leads to one person being different to the other and one demands too much or wants something 'too perfect'. E.g my last gf would only settle for good brand tops etc because she was brought up in that enviroment and when im telling her she looks good in other brands too she wont accept it sorta thing. the best thing to do is not to make him feel 'useless' but that he needs to get his act together. I think you should both go somewhere and talk about things you enjoy, do what you did when you first met and then talk to him about what you want in him. I feel a great GF is when she help me (not because i ask for it) but because really i need someone who keeps an eye on me and helps me learn things to improve on (especially when i forget to do things). telling him to save his money is very 'caring'. if he doesnt accept the help/advice then he doesnt appreciate it enough. The drivers license i wouldnt force him to get.. but you must tell him that a job is essential not just for you but the future and to own a house to live in. If he is past 21 he must realise this now. 'like he is very nice to me, he makes me happy most of the time. like once he wanted to buy a REALLY expensive brand name jacket and I was advising him not to buy it otherwise he wouldn't have enough money to pay his bills, food for the week and food for his pet. he said he didn't like that jacket after a few tries on that day.' sounds like my ex, pass me a hot chocolate LOL. yes seriously i think in those situation you should agree but tell him "if you like the coat get it but im just telling u be careful with your money" in a jokey way. If he takes that the wrong way then idk what his problem is. BUT there you are giving good advice and if my GF gave me that advice i would be happy i have someone who care about my health/money etc. He realised his own mistake by buying it i reckon so he prob realised his own guilt later when he went mad at you. Personally if he cheekily asked you for money after that id have told him he 'wasnt' caring bout his health and money enough. 'for years I have been waiting for him to be a grownup professional. I tried to be a supporting gf. when he needed more money i gave it to him, when he needs to go to particular places, i drove him.' AND what happens when you take this away celes? He is going to realise he is no longer the kid getting what he wants off his mummy (think of it like that). As much as you love him you need to show him the hard way that you wont be there all the time. Im sure he will learn eventually. take that all away from him. its up to him to grow from there onwards. He may accuse you of not caring but by taking those things away you actually are caring because you want him to be a man and a grown up. a proffesional one at that 'you can't really CHANGE a person' you cant change someone but they may change for you. and especially if you teach them the hard way Personally though i dont think its breakup time yet.. i think you should take away money and free taxi drives away from him till he realises hes losing it abit by bit.. and he riskes losing it all. See how it goes over the next 2/3 weeks. anyway hope ive helped some good luck, Jam
Leandro Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 you sound like a very good girlfriend.. id just identify for him what he could change. If you tell him he needs to pass uni or get a job i dont think there is anything wrong with saying that for instance. He should understand. It should be the kick up the butt he needs perhaps. I think telling him that will also make him realise that he needs to do it otherwise he will never be able to hold down a family/house/marriage.. and he risks losing you. I think you should talk to him one last time, but I don't think he will change fast enough, that's if he decides to change. I really think he is holding you back from having the life you want. He's 28 and doesn't even have a license?? Or even a certificate from college?? I think you tried your hardest, but just isn't on the same page.
Author celes Posted December 4, 2010 Author Posted December 4, 2010 well jam88 i'm 24 and he's 28. and i dont know what to do anymore, I've done my best, i've supported him, mothered him, punished him, and i tell him all my feelings on this relationship. he'd promise me each time he wouldnt do it next time, or promises every thing will be better. but in a few weeks or months it becomes exactly the same situation and we have the same fight all over again. i'm a family orientated person, honestly i dont drink often ( never gotten drunk before) or go to clubs. i think that i am pushing him too hard, but i dont know if i'm one of those gf types that pushes the bf to be perfect ( maybe i am) I have told him to focus on either commiting to a tertairy education or a job, or it'll really affect our relationship and our future, i have punctuated that to him, but i do not know if he is not trying hard enough or is it just bad luck he's changing, well he is trying to anyways or am i being too skeptical? i dont know what to do anymore. well 2-3 weeks wont do much to this situation, i know that i have to make a decision but i dont know how or which. if i stay with him, i dont want to go though this again, or if i leave i dont want to regret it Leandro thanks for the reply, just a explaination college as in tertairy education. i just really hope somebody tell me what to do or just waves a wand and make everything right
Leandro Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 i just really hope somebody tell me what to do or just waves a wand and make everything right I wish life was like that, but sadly it's not .
jam88 Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 'i'm 24 and he's 28' that is getting on and hes still living in the young years by the sounds of it. If something doesnt work then you have to move on.. its not because its his fault or your fault. it just didnt work and thats that. You can either accept how he is or set yourself free. 'he's changing, well he is trying to anyways or am i being too skeptical?' If hes trying to change then id just be patient. I think a last warning is always needed. If that last warning isnt taken in.. wel it was his problem of not trying to understand what you wanted and he isnt giving it to you. 2-3 weeks is enough to make a decision, IF hes trying harder all of a sudden then why leave him? if a week has passed and you felt hes just doing nothing then get out of it if you feel the need to. never regret anything in life because life is for making mistakes but its also for making good decisions. you control your life; so if you want something and your not getting it then go somewhere you will find it. 'i just really hope somebody tell me what to do or just waves a wand and make everything right' ive told you what i think you should do. the rest is up to you if you cant change someone you cant change someone. you can only let them learn on their own. if he doesnt wanna settle down then find someone who does. all the best, jam
Author celes Posted December 4, 2010 Author Posted December 4, 2010 thank you so much for your advice. i just hope that my rationality will guide me to making the right decision if i really break up with him, i do hope i wont regret it thanks so much talking with me in my time of need
jam88 Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 thank you so much for your advice. i just hope that my rationality will guide me to making the right decision if i really break up with him, i do hope i wont regret it thanks so much talking with me in my time of need Whatever happens im sure you'll make the right decision You may regret it at first but if you made the right decision that feeling of regret will fade eventually. No worries, glad i could be of help. if you need us you know where we are
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