A Hole in my Chest

[reknown29]

It feels like there is a hole in my chest. Like my heart has literally been ripped out. I used to be more empathetic. I notice it most when I deal with homeless people in the city I live in. I used to have some empathy towards them but now I am just like F U. I have become a much colder person after being dumped.

 

I go out and get phone numbers of other women just about daily. I rarely call and when I do it never seems to amount to anything. I know its a numbers game but I feel extra sensitive each time I ask someone out and they say in a few weeks they will meet with me, or whatever they may say. I know I do this to myself because women push their contact info on me but I come across as half interested...

 

It has been just over two months since my breakup. I feel like a different person. I am more selfish because I know have to be to get through this but I also feel empty like I have lost faith in love and empathy towards mankind. Maybe I placed too much emphasis on this girl? Maybe I am too sensitive and gave my heart out carelessly. I know she feels a lot of pain too even though she dumped me. Why did she dump me if it would cause her pain too? What has this world come to?

 

Everyday I wake up and feel empty inside. A shell of a man. Before I had a heart of gold. It was kind of belittled by my ex. Am I stupid for having had a big heart?

 

Has anyone else gone through this? Does anyone else feel like this, like a robot? Does it go away with time? Is it part of maturing emotionally? Or is it a misfortune? Not sure there are answers out there but I am curious as to how others feel.

[EricaH329]

This thread makes me sad

 

When you get attached to a person, you give them all of your good emotions. The love, happiness, joy. You place a lot of emphasis (as you said) on this person. And once that person is gone, it feels as though all of those good feelings you gave to them, left with them.

 

But, it's not true.

 

You still have those compassionate feelings. I promise. Every human being does, I believe. Some just get so wrapped up in the negative feelings, that the positive feelings stand no chance.

 

I think this would be a great opportunity for you to turn this into a learning experience. You should sit down and think really hard about why you are allowing this to happen to yourself. Why are you letting these negative emotions over power the positive ones? Do you feel as though you don't deserve them? Do you feel like this one single person has taken them from you?

 

No matter what you say, or how much you loved this person, *no one* takes away the kindness and love you have within yourself. You just need to find it again. Whether it's through a lot of self-reflection, or just learning how to do it all over again. They will come back, you just have to let them.

[skydiveaddict]

Has anyone else gone through this? Does anyone else feel like this, like a robot? Does it go away with time?

 

 

Yes, I feel like that, but I don't when or if ever it goes away

[strangeways]

Maybe I placed too much emphasis on this girl? .

 

I feel exactly the same, f**k you. I get it, and I think the quote above is the reason why.

 

I know I'm an empathetic person. I do care about others. But....when you get your heart ripped out I think it's natural to focus on yourself. Put your needs first. I see it as a short term survival instinct (I hope).

[reknown29]

I can feel it (the empathy) coming back a little here and there. eg. Last night I was talking to a girl and we were really into each other. Though, while I felt a caring towards her (possibly because she was 2 months out of a relationship as well?) I can also feel this wall. It feels like steel. It can be broken through but for me to break through it is going to take a lo of trust in someone. I feel like internally its not going to be as easy as it was before I was crushed. It was hard then and now it is going to be even harder. It can happen and I can only hope that one day it will. But at the moment, I feel my heart locked up and there is some pleasure in it because I feel safe (as mentioned above). If I open it again and it gets crushed, I may remain a stone.

 

Never take love for granted. If you find it enjoy it and be in the moment. Life is flimsy, nothing lasts forever. I guess we are all fortunate to have actually been in love. There are people in this world who never even get to experience what we experienced. Pain is a part of life and it will rebound into some other form of pleasure whether its with another, or with nature, or personal accomplishment. I'm not going to fight this frozen heart, I'm going to cherish the safety of it. It's now for myself.

[AlisaMarie]

I hate that feeling! I have anger and no empathy towards anyone right now... and I am not selfish about myself... it's like I hate me too. I think it's the bitter phase that we all go through. You just want to tell everyone to eff off. It's terrible. I have different thoughts on everything right now and I am usually the girl that cries when I read a card or see road kill. It's like I feel like I live in WHATEVER land. I hate it.

[lonewolfncub]

reknown29,

 

I feel you brother. I'm in the exact same boat.

 

I was with a girl for about a year, from the beginning she was quite honest with me and told me she had commitment issues and has alot of self-love/loathing issues. We both live in HK (but are both Asian Americans). During our time together she showed signs/implied that I was starting to "break her cycle", "fix her". She started saying I was the first guy she really loved in a long while, that I was the first guy she saw herself being with for along time. One of the thing she's always wanted to do was move back to the states but she was scared of the independence because she's always been coddled by parents and endless strings of BFs.

 

So I encouraged her to go. I gave her every option--I told her I can move with her, or she can move first and I'll join her later when she's ready, or she can just go and not be with me if she wants to (I dunno why I suggested that as an option to be honest).

 

She moves, we do long distance, first two months she seemed to love me so much--she was the one who always wanted to chat and talk and implied that she was close to asking me over.

 

Then one day, she breaks it off.

 

It's been six months now (NC for last two months. But even first four months it was limited contact over email only) and I notice that I am bitter, angry, and a recluse.

 

I used to be a happy go lucky guy, like, I'd get excited or grin at any stupid stuff. Any random thing, like "oh a new episode of Conan tonight!" or "yeah NBA Playoffs starts tomorrow!" and I'd be giddy. I laughed alot.

 

Now? No. I cried almost everyday (not like a baby, more like teared up) from months 2-4 (first month I was numb and was in denial I think). Even now, I'm a bit better but I still think about her everyday, whenever I'm in a quiet spot for extended periods of time (like on a bus).

 

I tried meeting other girls but realize that I don't connect well with most girls. I find most girls a bit on the superficial side. And on top of that I'm no stud so it's not like girls are all interested in me anyway.

 

I get angry/annoyed when friends give the "stereotypical guy advice"--stuff like "yeahhh lets gooo wasssteed and get another chick" or "man you are back in the GAME! there are plenty of fishes in the sea!"

 

I just think those frat boy type comments are stupid. I don't want a fling anyway, i want a life partner. Someone I can talk to.

 

I even get annoyed when friends crack those typical "gosh, being in a relationship sucks" jokes. You know, those "ooh enjoy your freedom" comments to single guys or jokes about being too tied down.

 

I am just a bitter person now. I snap at people easily, I think about how my ex girlfriend went from telling me "you're the most important person in my life outside of my parents, I'm determined to make us work" to just breaking it off and seemingly not caring (she hasn't made any attempt to contact me in a while. yes i initiated the NC but I guess I half expected her to try to break it)

 

When I read your piece, I teared up man. Because it just hit me so hard. Especially the words "shell of a man" and "hole in my heart".

 

That's what I feel right now. Six months since we broke up, two months of no contact. And really, she lives halfway across the world now and seems to be doing perfectly without me. I should be able to let go and move on.

 

But I can't. It's killing me.

[BorderRogue]

It will pass. Just one of the phases.

 

I'd stay away from relationships a bit longer. It depends on you, me, I listened to everybody about getting over someone with someone else and went out right away and it was a mess. I broke a few hearts because I missed her so much and didn't realize I was trying to find "her" in those beautiful women.

 

You just got heal bro. Just do something for you; hobby, run a marathon, job hunting (yeah, gave me lots to do and a better job but I digress), etc.

 

One day, for me it was 8 mos, when you can listen to music again and do things you both did at one time. It just gets better and I think that's natures gift to the heartbroken.

 

The only way it gets worse if you start initiating contact and things associated with her. Don't do it. Heal yourself and come out of it smarter, stronger, etc.

 

It'll pass.

[Perhaps]

Has anyone else gone through this? Does anyone else feel like this, like a robot? Does it go away with time? Is it part of maturing emotionally? Or is it a misfortune? Not sure there are answers out there but I am curious as to how others feel.

 

It's a misfortune but it is what forces you to grow emotionally. To truly understand the depths of your emotion, you need to let yourself go and just go with the fall.

 

A year ago, not even God could have convinced me that I'd someday get over it. I'd curse myself to meeting this girl and feared that I'll never love anyone as much. Now, a year later, I can laugh at my idiocy.

 

This is a learning opportunity. I understand what you mean about feeling like a colder person - hell, the whole world feels like a cold place. But, nothing is forever.

 

Eventually, you'll care less and less, but maybe one day you'll slip and think about it; but eventually, you'll get on with your life and you'll say to yourself, "This was what happened," and you'll be okay with it. It won't bother you. Just be patient and let yourself feel whatever your heart wants to feel. It'll happen sooner rather than later.