Childminder Rant

[sb129]

I am a working mother, I work 20 hours a week, and while I am at work my 14 mth old daughter is cared for by a nanny who comes to our house until either my husband or I get home. I have been back at work part time since my daughter was about four months old.

 

Without wanting to start on the "defensive", if you disagree with mothers of young children working, please don't derail my thread with a "Stay at Home Mother vs Working Mother" argument.

I have no interest in justifying my choices in that regard. It is what it is, and staying at home is not an option for me.

 

So the problem is that our nanny is a little irritating. She is an older woman in her early 60s, and is generally a good minder for my daughter. She is kind and caring and my daughter obviously loves her.

 

The thing I find irritating is that our nanny seems to want to compete with my husband and I for the title of "Wonderbabys Favourite Caregiver".

At first, I thought it was my paranoia and guilt at not spending 24-7 with my daughter at work, but my husband has noticed it too, and he doesn't always pick up on things.

 

She (nanny) delights in the fact that our daughter loves her, almost to the point of being smug and insensitive. For example, a while back I was holding my daughter and she wanted to go to Nanny instead. Nannys reaction was almost crowing with glee. I was a little bit hurt by this reaction (stupidly, because you can't take things a 1yr old does personally, and its good that she is well adjusted and not clingy) but Nanny didn't pick up on this and continued to go on about it. She has done this with my husband also.

 

Nanny also spends at least 30-45mins after I get home detailing every single thing about her day with my daughter, down to the last raisin. I have tried to nip this in the bud lately, as when I get home from work, I want to actually spend time with my daughter, not hearing about her bowel movements and how many pieces of toast she ate. Thats what the written log is for.

She also says goodbye to Wonderbaby about 100 times and makes a big deal out of it, which I would prefer she didn't as we don't and I think its part of what makes WB so secure.

 

Nanny also tells us all about our daughter as if she knows her the best, and as if she knows what IS best for her.

I know that this means she cares, but I don't think she sees that its often taken as criticism by us.

 

The final straw today was the letter I received from an educator who comes by once a month to check out the written log, and help suggest age appropriate educational activities and toys for my daughter. She writes to me after each session to detail what they have talked about. In this months letter she wrote that she was "very impressed" with the playhouse that Nanny had made of a large cardboard box, and that it was a fabulous toy for sensory exploration.

WTF???? I made the fricking playhouse. On my own. With no input from Nanny or recommendations re: sensory exploration.

 

I know there isn't really anything I can do. She seems to have got the message that I don't want her hanging around once I get home, and aside from a few little minor things here and there she generally does a good job. WB is healthy and happy and thats the main thing I guess.

 

Its just a personality thing, and now we are aware of it, its something that we notice more and its getting more and more annoying. There is no way she can know that we both hate spending too much time away from WB and that Nannys manner often makes us feel inadequate and second best, and to tell her would probably really upset her....

 

Sigh. Rant over.

[florence of suburbia]

Almost sounds like you've rented yourself a mother-in-law.

[sb129]

Almost sounds like you've rented yourself a mother-in-law.

:lmao:

 

Thats one way of putting it!

They do have a few similarities come to think of it.

 

My MIL has issues with nanny (I think its jealousy-MIL doesn't live here).

 

The one time they both happened to be here was....awkward. Poor wonderbaby.

[threebyfate]

This is concerning. Is she concerned about her job security thus going too far?

[worlybear]

My advice? Change your child-minder.Seriously.

I think that although she obviously cares for your daughter, she has overstepped the boundaries and she is (intentionally or not) sabotaging your joint parenting skills. This situation, if allowed to continue will be very stressful for you and will undermine your confidence.

Your daughter will soon adjust to a new carer and it would be probably better for her socially if the new carer had children of her own (perhaps school-age?)

By the way I worked for several years as a child minder when my sons were small and I would NEVER have over-stepped the line as your child-minder has done.

I also have used child-minders myself when I went back to work as a teacher- none of them ever behaved in such an insensitive way either. Get rid of her!

[sb129]

This is concerning. Is she concerned about her job security thus going too far?

 

Yes I think this could be part of it.

 

She seems to have similar insecurities to my MIL- needing reassurance and affirmation which I find strange in a 60-something.

 

ie- my MIL will ring up when she knows my mother is at our house and say "Its WBs favourite grandma here!". Stuff like that.

 

Worlybear- we are looking into alternative arrangements. The cost of Nanny is quite high, and while we can afford it, now that we know our daughter is well adjusted and social, we don't think she necessarily needs one on one at home care all the time anymore.

[sb129]

I don't think she is deliberately overstepping the boundaries.

 

I do think much of it is down to her personality/ insecurity.

 

As a good friend said to me recently- I am my daughters mother for life. Childminders come and go...

[pablopedro]

Sometimes I think parents want it all without the work.

This nanny seem to be going a little overboard, but some of the things you speak about are normal. If your child spends all day with a nanny, who do you think is really raising them? It's not you. The nanny probably does know things you don't at this point. And your child probably is more comfortable with the nanny.

 

People need to do what is best for them and not everybody can stay at home. So you do the best you can. But in some cases, parents can't think they know everything about their child just because "it's their child" when they aren't ever around.

 

In this case, stop with the jealousy. The nanny probably knows a lot about your child that you don't. That's just a fact of life if that person is the one taking care of them every day. But at the same time the nanny can't be overstepping their boundaries either. It is your child, not theirs.

 

Have a conversation with the nanny. Tell her your concerns. Let her speak. Sometimes things will get worked out. But there are a lot of parents who expect somebody else to raise their kid while they work, and then not expect anybody to become attached to one another. Things like that are going to happen. Children might become attached to a caring nanny. Parents become jealous or frustrated. The best thing to do is put everything out in the open and then stop being jealous and realize maybe the nanny does have some good things to share.

Edited December 6, 2010 by pablopedro

[2sure]

Her behavior would bug me too. But you have to think about how difficult it is to find a nanny to come in, one that you trust, one that loves your child...especially on a part time basis.

[sb129]

Palopedro- thanks for your comments. I can see where you are coming from.

 

There IS a small amount of jealousy and guilt involved, which makes it harder to fully assess the situation.

 

Just to clarify though, I only work 20 hours a week, so my H and I spend plenty of time with my daughter the rest of the time. She is a great kid and is "comfortable" with me, my husband and her nanny. I don't think she has a favourite.

She is pretty even and generous with her love.

 

 

Her behavior would bug me too. But you have to think about how difficult it is to find a nanny to come in, one that you trust, one that loves your child...especially on a part time basis.

 

I know, and I know I am lucky that when it all comes down to it, she looks after my daughter well, and my daughter loves her which is really important.

 

This is why we haven't taken any "action" because we wondered if it was maybe just us needing to control our feelings a bit more.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I have heard so many horror stories! She sounds almost to good to be true! Actually your rant reminds me of friends who have had grandparents watch their children! WB is very lucky to be loved by so many people.

[pablopedro]

For years children became more attached to mothers, they bonded with the mother sooner. Fathers were around at night and weekends, hopefully.

It was just the way it is. If you spend all your time with the kid, they probably are going to trust you more, love you more, and be attached to you more.

 

Now women are doing the same things men used to do, except they have a different mindset. They grow jealous. They grow frustrated. They grow angry. They can't accept that not being around the child means they might bond with somebody else.

 

Like I said, in the past, kids loved their mothers the most, and the fathers were around, but not around all the time. Most fathers didn't get in an uproar. If you aren't there, what do you expect? But women don't seem to comprehend that not being around means that baby might not bond to you as much as if you were there 24/7. It's just a fact of life.

 

If the nanny is overstepping her boundaries, then take action. But knowing all the day care, preschool and nanny horror stories out there, I'd say this is more in the lines of a mother not coming to grips with the fact that for 20 hours or more per week, your child is bonding with somebody else. If you can't deal with this, stop it now.

 

 

To you, the nanny is just a babysitter, day care provider, employee whom you pay. To your child, the nanny is family.

[sb129]

To you, the nanny is just a babysitter, day care provider, employee whom you pay. To your child, the nanny is family.

 

This is true, and I do understand that. PP- I do still get the feeling that you are chastising me somewhat.

 

Its not the bonding I have a problem with. I know its irrational to be jealous of a childminder in that respect. I am glad my daughter has bonded with her so that I don't need to worry about her at all when I am not home.

 

I feel that I have bonded well with my daughter, and I am happy that she is confident and well adjusted enough to bond with other adults. This is a good thing. I know babies of the same age who will ONLY let their mothers do things for them- the mothers have enabled it for so long they have created rods for their own backs.

 

The thing I had a problem with was the nannys reaction to certain situations, and its more of a personality difference than anything else.

[sb129]

I have heard so many horror stories! She sounds almost to good to be true! Actually your rant reminds me of friends who have had grandparents watch their children! WB is very lucky to be loved by so many people.

 

 

She is. I thing its what has helped her be such an easy child.

 

If you take my personal feelings out of the equation, the situation has been a dream really- I have heard lots of horror stories too, and we haven't had any problems remotely like them.

[pablopedro]

I'm not chastising you, just stating the obvious.

 

The problem is if this women has been a nanny for a long time, knows what she's doing, has a tremendous love for children, than in a sense, she might actually know what she's talking about. She might care a little too much.

 

That's the problem with a Nanny and the entire teaching/education profession I guess. A lot of parents are know it alls when it comes to their kids. And most parents really don't know all that much about parenting. So a nanny who has been doing that for years, probably finds it insulting that somebody tries to tell them how to do their job.

 

I mean in any other profession, if you've been at it for 20+ years and somebody who just got thrown into the field starts bossing you around, telling you how to do your job, telling you how things should be and shouldn't, you'd probably get pissed off.

 

But parents don't want to think about it like this. They think they know it all, they think everybody else is an idiot, and that's it. Yet they expect somebody else to love that child like they do and take care of them like they do, but just not that much.

 

Wow. The nanny wants to stick around for a few extra minutes after her shift has ended. Is she charging you for this or does she actually like being around your child? Wow she seems like a nagging mother-in-law at times. But from what you say she seems like a person who does have the best interest of the child in mind.

 

From what you posted, it seems the Nanny is putting her two cents in a little too often and should learn to respect the parents needs and wishes. But on the other hand you seem like a know it all parent who gets pissed that the nanny wants to stick around after you get home.

 

One question.

 

Does your child get pissed that the nanny sticks around a little longer than hired for?

 

If not...it seems you're the one with the issue, not your nanny and not your child.

[sb129]

I said that I wondered if the issue was mine and mine alone.

 

I am owning it. I have calmed down somewhat since I made the initial post, and while I still find our nanny a little irritating, I appreciate that she does her best to look after our daughter, and that our daughter is happy with the situation, which is the MAIN thing.

 

I am not a "know it all" parent. I do however have ideas about how I want MY CHILD to be parented, and a nanny is an employee who is expected to follow in with what we want. Its not "bossing around", and I have never "bossed" her around anyway.

Parenting/ nannying styles of 20 years ago aren't always appropriate today.

People used to spank their kids, these days its illegal.

People didn't used to use car restraints, nowadays you have to have one that meets safety requirements.

 

Some parents of young children DO have things to teach nannies/ older grandparents.

 

I don't like the way you seem to want to make me out to be the bad guy here.

 

When I get home, I don't want to hang out with the nanny and my daughter for 45 minutes. I want to hang out with my daughter. Period.

[sb129]

One question PP: do you have children?

[worlybear]

I said that I wondered if the issue was mine and mine alone.

 

I am owning it. I have calmed down somewhat since I made the initial post, and while I still find our nanny a little irritating, I appreciate that she does her best to look after our daughter, and that our daughter is happy with the situation, which is the MAIN thing.

 

I am not a "know it all" parent. I do however have ideas about how I want MY CHILD to be parented, and a nanny is an employee who is expected to follow in with what we want. Its not "bossing around", and I have never "bossed" her around anyway.

Parenting/ nannying styles of 20 years ago aren't always appropriate today.

People used to spank their kids, these days its illegal.

People didn't used to use car restraints, nowadays you have to have one that meets safety requirements.

 

Some parents of young children DO have things to teach nannies/ older grandparents.

 

I don't like the way you seem to want to make me out to be the bad guy here.

 

When I get home, I don't want to hang out with the nanny and my daughter for 45 minutes. I want to hang out with my daughter. Period.

Speaking as a parent of 5 children(4 now grown) and a teacher for more years than I care to remember, I just want to say that you are being entirely reasonable about your concerns.

At the end of the day wb is your child and you are the parent!

And by the way, anyone who claims to know everything about children because they are teachers,carers,childminders,nannies or parents themselves are talking through their ****!

The wonderful thing about children is that they don't come with manuals and thank goodness for that!

Don't be intimidated. If you are uncomfortable with the situation then change it!

[pablopedro]

Yes I do have children.

 

Nobody knows everything that's for sure and nobody should claim that.

But the OP seems jealous that the Nanny sticks around for an extra 45 minutes when she gets home. That's not about somebody knowing it all.

It's about somebody being jealous.

 

She is the parent and should put her foot down when the Nanny oversteps her bounds. But a Nanny sticking around for 45 extra minutes because their child wants to spend time with them is more about a parent being jealous over anything else. And god forbid she dumps this nanny and winds up with some nanny who doesn't give two cents about her child.

Then she'd have other things to complain about.

[sb129]

I am right here! You were the one that said that I was a know it all parent.

I will never ever claim to know it all.

 

But on the other hand you seem like a know it all parent who gets pissed that the nanny wants to stick around after you get home.

 

I am not "jealous" that the Nanny sticks around for 45 minutes. You don't have to agree with me. I think you are being a bit harsh on me, but hey, whatever.

 

I just don't want her there for that length of time. Its unnecessary. Do you hang out chewing the fat with your employer for 45minutes after you clock off? I certainly don't.

I rush home to see my family and spend time with them.

 

15 minutes would be fine. 30 minutes is pushing it. 45 minutes is too long, especially when I want to get on with my day and spend whats left of it with my daughter. All of my friends with kids agree with me.

 

It has even happened on the days I got home and my daughter was asleep, so its not just when she is awake. On those days, I like to make dinner and catch up on chores while she is asleep so its done for when she wakes up and I can spend time with her then without having to worry about jobs.

 

I have every right to feel this way. Its my home and my daughter is my child. I have considered the issue from a few angles, and realise that my initial rant may have been a little hotheaded, but I still don't want my childminder to hang around for too long after I get home. Neither does my husband, he feels the same way. On the days when he gets home first he likes to take our daughter and the dog to the park and if nanny hangs around too long they don't get enough time to do it before dinner.

 

Anyway, the original problem has been better lately. I have been firmer but nice about cutting that time short and Nanny has got the message without being offended.

 

Thanks for all the replies on this thread.

[Ariadne]

Well,

 

I think it's better to have an abundance of love and not harshness.

 

And it may be that the babysitter found a button in you, and must feel proud of the love of WB.

 

But, I can give you credit as I lived in a similar situation...

 

I moved in with my parents when my son was 3yo, and not only did he and my mother love each other a great deal...

 

He would not listen to me and only obey my mother.

 

So I didn't like that very much since I didn't agree with her discipline methods.

 

Hope it all works out with the babysitter.

[donnamaybe]

He would not listen to me and only obey my mother.

 

So I didn't like that very much since I didn't agree with her discipline methods.

Is this the son who is now and adult who doesn't work and plays video games all day while you serve he and his friends food?

 

Go figure.

[Ariadne]

Is this the son who is now and adult who doesn't work and plays video games all day while you serve he and his friends food?

 

Go figure.

 

Yeah...

 

See, I'm cool mom.

 

So even when he was little I'd let him walk all over the park, pet the dogs, chase people's balls, while my mother made him stay in one area, away from dogs, etc.

 

That is just one example I remember but I felt uneasy with things like that.

 

There were a lot of advantages though, as feeling very "safe" and protected as opposed to being a single mom at 24 in LA.

[Ariadne]

Is this the son who is now and adult who doesn't work and plays video games all day while you serve he and his friends food?

 

Go figure.

 

And the girlfriend...

 

Seems like she likes this home (despite it being a 1bd apt) and stays here for weeks at a time.

 

My mom disagrees with that as well and doesn't know how I put up with it.

 

I tell her she is like my daughter when she is here and I cook for both.

[sb129]

Thanks Ariadne.

 

You know what- the main emotion here is guilt.

 

I try to be rational about things- all parents feel guilt sometimes and worry whether they are doing a good job.

 

Its hard! Kids don't come with a manual or give you a feedback rating.

 

If I wrote verbatim some of the (irrational) thoughts I have about being a mum, they would go something like this:

 

I am so tired I need to sleep for a week, I feel bad for enjoying my job, shouldn't I want to stay at home 24-7? I feel bad about leaving my daughter with a childminder am I giving her enough attention, how much attention is too much how much is too little "they" say its important to encourage independent play especially if we are going to have another one, sh** I need a haircut when am I going to find time to get that done, would I cope with another baby I only just feel like I have got a handle of things now I hope work is busy enough next week so I earn enough to pay my share of the bills, we probably can't afford another baby just yet anyway but I am getting closer to 35 and I don't want to leave it too late why has my daughter just spit out the entire meal I made for her when she loved it last week I'm so tired and my hair looks terrible, I hope the bank approves our application for a business loan, what can I give WB for dinner tonight thats healthy and she will eat I have to walk the dog and the laundry needs doing but all I want to do is read my book I hope this business venture we are launching works out does my daughter love me? Am I a good mother? am I a good wife I know I should have sex more often with H but I am just so damned tired and he stays up so late working I would love a weekend away but we can't afford it and my H needs time in the weekend to work on the business and besides I feel like I spend enough time away from my daughter because I work and I am having time off for xmas which i am not looking forward to because my mother in law will be watching my parenting skills like a hawk and my sister in law will probably have too much to drink and be horrible to my brother who isn't very well and I wish my dad was here still I miss him he held together so many threads of my crazy family and made us laugh and now everyone is just sad and stressed and I am trying my best all the time and sometimes is just doesn't feel like its enough and some days I just wish I could hide away from everything and sleep.

 

 

Whew!

Good to get that out.