phillygirl Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 I still have feelings of love for him and I cant date someone if I'm still in love with my ex......I think! can't say how long this will last, but unless you start dating again, you will NEVER move on.. been there... good luck.
phillygirl Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 I'm 6 months out from the big revelation (that my separated man was not separated at all) and I'm doing good. I think a few things that are key is that I have NO contact with him and I'm fully accepting that it is OVER and I hold out NO hope for any kind of future. The key to getting my head right is the realization within myself that I will not tolerate nor accept being treated badly nor will I take a chance on a man who has proved himself to be untrustworthy. I also had to accept that the man that I thought I knew did not exist, that man was not the real one I thought I knew. The real man had no honor, is conflict avoidant, a liar, manipulator and if he loved me........it was sure as hell not the way I want and need to be loved. Girls and Guys.......you have to let go of the illusions, face the reality of who you are really dealing with. At best a confused conflicted person who YES, who does lie and cheat, at worst you just might be dealing with someone who is devious, incredibly selfish and downright cruel, and maybe you are even dealing with a sociopath. You have a choice......and no one else can do it for you. If the situation is causing you pain and grief and drama, what is the point of hanging on with hope that things will change? Life is passing you by if you are sitting on the sidelines waiting on something that is not reality. Tell him/her to either ****e or get off the pot by so and so date, don't listen to the bs excuses that do nothing but keep you in the wings and keep you a prisoner of your own prison. Break out! If I can do it.........so can you! ditto! i agree completely.
East7 Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 it took me about a week, after i broke it off. my reason: i was engaged in unethical and immoral behavior. despite how we try to rationalize A, the bottom line: you are in a relationship with someone who has a significant relationship with someone else. if he REALLY loved me, he'd divorced his wife. he did not (and they remain married today). so despite his "i really loved you..." the truth, he did not. nor did he respect himself, me, his marriage/family, et al. so, i saved myself YEARS of grief and therapy; moved on and married my own husband. contrary to what other wish to believe, it CAN be done. I admire you for being so strong, but I also understand people who have a hard time moving on. It depends a lot to your personality, sensibility, the A impact. Not all the people can erase feelings so easily. can't say how long this will last, but unless you start dating again, you will NEVER move on.. been there... good luck. You are right, dating helps a lot ! Experienced it myself. Its not all sparks and passion but it is such an ego-burst and helpful to move on.
BB07 Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 I admire you for being so strong, but I also understand people who have a hard time moving on. It depends a lot to your personality, sensibility, the A impact. Not all the people can erase feelings so easily. But East.......I respectfully say this. Don't assume that just because someone has managed to do it, that they are stronger than you or that those who have done it are somehow less affected. It has very little to do with erasing feelings. It's more about stopping making excuses. You are right, dating helps a lot ! Experienced it myself. Its not all sparks and passion but it is such an ego-burst and helpful to move on. I'm not dating......I don't have to and I'm good with that. I need to get myself to a place where I trust my own judgment again and probably for the first time in my life I am feeling like I don't have any desperation about having someone else in my life. I'm getting to a place where I'm good with me.
East7 Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 Thanks for your insight BB07 I don't necessarily preach serial dating. Meeting new people, going out and keeping oneself busy with activities, hobbies etc, being self-sufficient has proven (many times) to be a good recipe.
thissecretgirl Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 can't say how long this will last, but unless you start dating again, you will NEVER move on.. been there... good luck. Cheers Phillygirl, Its something I have been think a bit about. It would be nice to go out for dinner
wheelwright Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 Just curious to know from those of you who seriously have no more contact (i.e. really over) with your xMM/xMW, how long until you feel normal, happy and yourself, and thoughts of them are barely in your head or when you no longer care whether you are with them anymore? And under what circumstances did you end it. D-day, too much pain, etc? Can't answer that. I can say I had a seriously good time last weekend, without that spoiling it. 18 months NC (almost). It was 'me' who had a good time. Not 'me missing him'.
Author siuys Posted December 10, 2010 Author Posted December 10, 2010 I'm worried that after almost 4 months NC it doesnt seem to be getting any easier for me. I guess everyone is individual and it will take different amounts of time to get over their respective OM/OW. I just keep reading how its getting easier and people seem to be dealing with it much better than I am and have more of a grip/able to rationalise things better When I try to analyse how I feel the only answer I come up with is that I feel little difference. The only difference is that I am not crying as much. Is that an improvement? I hope so. Sorry, tonight I am missing him and feeling a bit weepy and on top of that I'm worried there's something wrong with me. I think my mate at work also expects me to get over it now, but I cant. She is dating after her latest split but honestly I cant even begin to think about being with someone else. He might be a wanker and I hate what he has done, but evenso I still have feelings of love for him and I cant date someone if I'm still in love with my ex......I think! Sorry, two glasses of wine here too Hugs secretgirl. I guess everyone is different. 4 months NC is quite a long time... have you seen a counsellor? It might help... I agree with East7 about acceptance. I have accepted everything. I am just trying to write him out of my life in my head coz our end was kind of open-ended. He didn't know what he wanted, so I have a feeling he wanted to keep the door open just in case it doesn't work out with his W. In any case, i HAVE to move forward. I don't want to wallow and stay stuck. Like East7 said, it's the past now. Another chapter over. New year, new beginning. Good luck.
OhGeesh Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 Not sure about some here, but I would say the answer is never? I still think about my ex from over 10yrs ago.....does it ever truly go away? I think not! Maybe it goes away enough to not act on anything or to let the past stay in the past, but to never think about them? Doubt that ever goes away.
Author siuys Posted December 10, 2010 Author Posted December 10, 2010 ohgeesh, I guess, for me, it is about thinking about them and not experiencing pain, or thinking about them with someone else and not experiencing pain, meaning that i'm over them. I think about some of my exes from years ago too and the memories are nice as the situations were never toxic like with xMM. I am also very good friends with two of my exes. So bottom line, it is about moving on more than anything else. I hope, in the very near future, I can think of xMM back with his wife and feel happy for him, instead of like someone has just stuck a knife through my heart.
Joobi Posted December 11, 2010 Posted December 11, 2010 Secretgirl, 4 months is not so long in some ways. I also worried that I was not making progress. When I look back now I see that it was there, just that it was slow progress. I am sure things are getting better for you, even if it seems like they are not, sometimes things just take a while. Take things at your own pace and do not worry that you will never get over them because they were the one, so special etc. You absolutely will. I did go to IC- this helped me work on myself and also to deal with the feelings I had regarding the affair. It wasn't a quick fix, but I am glad that I did it now as I learned to better stand up for myself. I like to think that I wouldn't get myself into such a complicated situation again (although I know that I can't know that for sure until it actually happens!). It really does get better!
Hazyhead Posted December 11, 2010 Posted December 11, 2010 ohgeesh, I guess, for me, it is about thinking about them and not experiencing pain, or thinking about them with someone else and not experiencing pain, meaning that i'm over them. I think about some of my exes from years ago too and the memories are nice as the situations were never toxic like with xMM. I am also very good friends with two of my exes. So bottom line, it is about moving on more than anything else. I hope, in the very near future, I can think of xMM back with his wife and feel happy for him, instead of like someone has just stuck a knife through my heart. You will, siuys. It's part of the acceptance phase you get to, where you start to look to your future without him and wish the best for him, because it makes no difference to you anymore. I had just gone through this phase when he went and threw it all out for me again, and I now hope for his wife's happiness (as hypocritical as it sounds) without him, not because I'm jealous (far from it) but because she deserves better than the life of pain he gives to her because, as his track record throughout their time together shows, he will most likely hurt her again. You're doing really well. Get yourself out with your girlfriends go dancing, go the cinema. Fill your time with fun and laughter, and of course talking, and you will heal alongside it. Keep going siuys. You should be proud of yourself. Hugs, Hazy
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