How long does it take to get over your MM/MW

[East7]

... and if he loved me........it was sure as hell not the way I want and need to be loved.

 

So simple, but full of wisdom BB07

 

Bottom-line Factor #1 : If they truly loved you, they would have moved mountains to be with you, they would have wanted to be with you. All the rest are excuses. Love looks for solutions, not for excuses.

 

If the situation is causing you pain and grief and drama, what is the point of hanging on with hope that things will change?

 

Bottom-line Factor #2 : If a relationship makes you miserable, it is not worth it ! No one deserves your tears and the person that deserves it, will not make you cry.

 

Remember guys : Don't try to keep in your life someone that doesn't want to keep you in theirs.

 

I think as long as you don't dwell in your sorrow and can learn to fill your time with fun and every other wonderful thing you have in your life, you can learn to hold the memories instead of resent them.

 

Beautiful ! <3

Edited December 6, 2010 by East7

[siuys]

It's been a week of NC and I feel worse today. There has been some realisations and I feel like a complete mug. There's a bit of anger, a bit of self pity and a lot of sadness. I feel like telling xMM just exactly how I feel, and slap him across the face - hard. But what's the use? He has been so confused and messed up the entire time he might as well have been jelly. Staying away from xMM has been the hardest thing I've ever done. And I wonder why. I have, in the past, put in huge amounts of effort in an otherwise good and healthy R, at work, climbing up a mountain, all with healthy challenges and worthwhile goal. But this? This b.s. of a goal and I'm having trouble? This b.s. of a goal - walk away from pain and dysfunction - is proving to be the hardest? My gosh what is going on?!?!?!?! I hate myself!

[half_ofa_heart]

It's been a week of NC and I feel worse today. There has been some realisations and I feel like a complete mug. There's a bit of anger, a bit of self pity and a lot of sadness. I feel like telling xMM just exactly how I feel, and slap him across the face - hard. But what's the use? He has been so confused and messed up the entire time he might as well have been jelly. Staying away from xMM has been the hardest thing I've ever done. And I wonder why. I have, in the past, put in huge amounts of effort in an otherwise good and healthy R, at work, climbing up a mountain, all with healthy challenges and worthwhile goal. But this? This b.s. of a goal and I'm having trouble? This b.s. of a goal - walk away from pain and dysfunction - is proving to be the hardest? My gosh what is going on?!?!?!?! I hate myself!

 

DO NOT HATE YOURSELF! Hate him instead - it feels much better

 

As I've seen posted all over the place here and is so very true... Love puts blinders on us and we can't see the forrest for the trees. The fog is lifting for me (slowly) but I am now seeing soooo much that I never saw before. I go thru stages of anger towards myself for being so naive and anger towards him for being so damn manipulative towards another human being all for personal gain. It all sucks and we can hope that all the innocent people go unharmed.

 

One day at a time and just be kind to yourself which is more than HE ever did.

[siuys]

Hi heart, I don't REALLY hate myself. I just cannot believe I got into this situation. I cannot believe how naive I was, and the choices I made. I feel like texting him and telling him how much i hate him right now. But then I put the blame on him. But I am at fault for the choices I made.

[half_ofa_heart]

Hi heart, I don't REALLY hate myself. I just cannot believe I got into this situation. I cannot believe how naive I was, and the choices I made. I feel like texting him and telling him how much i hate him right now. But then I put the blame on him. But I am at fault for the choices I made.

 

BOTH of you made those choices. You can only take responsibility for your own actions. What do you stand to gain by texting him? I presume if you thought about it, none. Instead, write him a letter that you never send. That way, you get your words out of your head but don't give him the benefit of knowing how you're feeling. Be strong! It's in your best interest.

 

And I can only say that because I need the strength of all the people on LS because without them, I couldn't have ended it and maintained NC for 13 days now. I too am a work in progress.

[siuys]

Hang in there, heart. I know how you feel. I won't text him. It was just a thought. I want to hit him over the head with an iron rod to be honest hahaha but of course I won't. How long has your A been going on? Why did you end it?

[MorningCoffee]

What do you stand to gain by texting him? I presume if you thought about it, none. Instead, write him a letter that you never send. That way, you get your words out of your head but don't give him the benefit of knowing how you're feeling. Be strong! It's in your best interest.

 

Agreed. Journalling those feelings and not sending anything is a good way to vent while actually working towards feeling better, whereas texting or other contacting will maybe vent, but will NOT lead to feeling better.

 

An advanced version is in John Gray's book called Venus and Mars: Starting Over. I think he called it the feeling better letter, where you write a letter to the missing person (ex-spouse, ex-lover, ex-AP, deceased person, whoever you have lost and suffer pain because of it) and cover the emotions and what you need to get out.

"I am angry that . . .

I feel sad that . . .

I need . . .

I wish that . . . "

 

The exact starter phrases in detail are in the book and maybe some on his website?

 

You write as many sentences completing these feeling statements as you need to.

 

Then after a break, you read them over one by one and then write the response from the other person to yourself, in which you write out all that you would like to hear from the other person in reply to what you have written.

 

Then another break and then you finish up with a thank you to the other person for their reply and how you now feel.

 

You now have three letters. Gray advises reading these out loud repeatedly. This will trigger release of the emotions contained in them and of the energy surrounding them. Repeat every few days until finally you get to where you can read them out loud without grief or breaking down.

 

When new thoughts pop up, you can do this exercise as many times as need be.

 

Try it, it is incredibly powerful. Best of all, you are actually speeding your own healing, and you are maintaining NC at the same time. It's a win-win.

[BB07]

It's been a week of NC and I feel worse today. There has been some realisations and I feel like a complete mug. There's a bit of anger, a bit of self pity and a lot of sadness. I feel like telling xMM just exactly how I feel, and slap him across the face - hard. But what's the use? He has been so confused and messed up the entire time he might as well have been jelly. Staying away from xMM has been the hardest thing I've ever done. And I wonder why. I have, in the past, put in huge amounts of effort in an otherwise good and healthy R, at work, climbing up a mountain, all with healthy challenges and worthwhile goal. But this? This b.s. of a goal and I'm having trouble? This b.s. of a goal - walk away from pain and dysfunction - is proving to be the hardest? My gosh what is going on?!?!?!?! I hate myself!

 

Siuys, even though I'm passed the worse of it, there are still days when I'm angry at him, angry at myself, but it does not consume me and it does not give me a great urge to contact him. Sure sometimes I think about it because I'd like to give him a peace of my mind, but those urges get less and less powerful the more that time passes.

 

The word is CONSUME........and he or it no longer consumes me. This was a man who consumed me for many years.

What I'm trying to say........is you can get where I'm at, you really can.

[half_ofa_heart]

Hang in there, heart. I know how you feel. I won't text him. It was just a thought. I want to hit him over the head with an iron rod to be honest hahaha but of course I won't. How long has your A been going on? Why did you end it?

 

My affair went on for 18 months. I tried ending it at least once a month because I felt horrible about it. Then a false D-day happened in July where his W got a phone call then subsequently a letter to follow up. I say false because both MM and I were able to lie our way out of it. The letter was filled with inaccuracies which is how we were able to put the notion out of her mind. Whoever wrote it, had an idea that something was going on and conjured up the rest.

 

Up until that day, I had only met the W in passing but, because of D-day, she started to be my friend. Not sure if that was an attempt to "keep your enemies closer" or because she felt bad for accusing me of something that wasn't true (or so she thought). Either way, I felt even more like a horrible person.

 

However, after False D-day, MM told me he has made a decision to work on his M. I died that day and several days thereafter but low and behold, he was back in my bed a mere two weeks later. Stating he thought D-day made his W realize that there were problems and they needed to be addressed but instead, she was back to being the NON existant W she was before. And, yes, I was stupid and believed every word of it.

 

I ended with him 13 days ago because I had had enough of coming 2nd. I can see now how selfish he was and is. I so wanted to be loved and believed whole heartedly that he loved me. ALL of his actions said otherwise but I never saw that until now.

 

On Day 1, I found LS and I am now addicted to it. It has given me the strength I needed to lift the A fog. Just seconds ago, I finally had the courage to block him from IM eliminating one more method of contact. Over this past weekend, he IM'd me a few times that he "loves me and always will" on the same day where they had a party at their house and pictures of the "happy" couple were posted on FB with her sitting on his lap. Not the picture of a couple having Marital problems!!!

 

I have HIDDEN them on FB now. I don't want to delete them because I don't want to raise any red flags with the W so I hide them so I don't have to see them.

 

It has been a ROUGH road to say the least. I'd like to tell people who are thinking of entering into an affair... drive down a dead end road in a car with no brakes - that is about the same thing as being the other woman in an affair!

[wheelwright]

I had a good time this weekend - properly. ! 1 & 1/2 yrs (almost) NC.

[spice4life]

Agreed. Journalling those feelings and not sending anything is a good way to vent while actually working towards feeling better, whereas texting or other contacting will maybe vent, but will NOT lead to feeling better.

 

An advanced version is in John Gray's book called Venus and Mars: Starting Over. I think he called it the feeling better letter, where you write a letter to the missing person (ex-spouse, ex-lover, ex-AP, deceased person, whoever you have lost and suffer pain because of it) and cover the emotions and what you need to get out.

"I am angry that . . .

I feel sad that . . .

I need . . .

I wish that . . . "

 

The exact starter phrases in detail are in the book and maybe some on his website?

 

You write as many sentences completing these feeling statements as you need to.

 

Then after a break, you read them over one by one and then write the response from the other person to yourself, in which you write out all that you would like to hear from the other person in reply to what you have written.

 

Then another break and then you finish up with a thank you to the other person for their reply and how you now feel.

 

You now have three letters. Gray advises reading these out loud repeatedly. This will trigger release of the emotions contained in them and of the energy surrounding them. Repeat every few days until finally you get to where you can read them out loud without grief or breaking down.

 

When new thoughts pop up, you can do this exercise as many times as need be.

 

Try it, it is incredibly powerful. Best of all, you are actually speeding your own healing, and you are maintaining NC at the same time. It's a win-win.

 

Wow, excellent post! Thanks for posting the info mc.

[MorningCoffee]

Wow, excellent post! Thanks for posting the info mc.

 

My pleasure to share what's been effective for me. Some more possible starter phrases I found in my notes from when I was using the exercise:

 

"I don't like . . . I wish . . . I wanted . . . I expect . . . I feel afraid that . . .I feel afraid because . . .I feel afraid when . . . I do not want . . . I need . . . I feel sorry that . . . I feel sorry because . . . I want . . . I hope . . . "

 

In the response letter, the phrases suggested include

 

"Thank you for . . . I understand . . . I am sorry . . . Please forgive me for . . . I want you to know . . . You deserve . . . I want . . ."

 

The third letter completes the cycle, as you state in reply

 

"Thank you for . . . I understand . . . I realize that . . . I know . . . I forgive . . . I am grateful for . . .I trust that . . ."

 

And then affirm what you are working towards in your life as part of this process.

 

AS I look these over, and know that I still have feelings for ex-AP/MW, i.e., not yet achieved indifference, I think it's time for me to re-do this exercise myself!

[siuys]

My affair went on for 18 months. I tried ending it at least once a month because I felt horrible about it. Then a false D-day happened in July where his W got a phone call then subsequently a letter to follow up. I say false because both MM and I were able to lie our way out of it. The letter was filled with inaccuracies which is how we were able to put the notion out of her mind. Whoever wrote it, had an idea that something was going on and conjured up the rest.

 

Up until that day, I had only met the W in passing but, because of D-day, she started to be my friend. Not sure if that was an attempt to "keep your enemies closer" or because she felt bad for accusing me of something that wasn't true (or so she thought). Either way, I felt even more like a horrible person.

 

However, after False D-day, MM told me he has made a decision to work on his M. I died that day and several days thereafter but low and behold, he was back in my bed a mere two weeks later. Stating he thought D-day made his W realize that there were problems and they needed to be addressed but instead, she was back to being the NON existant W she was before. And, yes, I was stupid and believed every word of it.

 

I ended with him 13 days ago because I had had enough of coming 2nd. I can see now how selfish he was and is. I so wanted to be loved and believed whole heartedly that he loved me. ALL of his actions said otherwise but I never saw that until now.

 

On Day 1, I found LS and I am now addicted to it. It has given me the strength I needed to lift the A fog. Just seconds ago, I finally had the courage to block him from IM eliminating one more method of contact. Over this past weekend, he IM'd me a few times that he "loves me and always will" on the same day where they had a party at their house and pictures of the "happy" couple were posted on FB with her sitting on his lap. Not the picture of a couple having Marital problems!!!

 

I have HIDDEN them on FB now. I don't want to delete them because I don't want to raise any red flags with the W so I hide them so I don't have to see them.

 

It has been a ROUGH road to say the least. I'd like to tell people who are thinking of entering into an affair... drive down a dead end road in a car with no brakes - that is about the same thing as being the other woman in an affair!

 

Heart, I never had a d-day and I sometimes wonder if it would have made the slightest diff. Anyway, it's only been 1 week NC so I've got a long road ahead. I don't know anymore if he loved me or not. I don't know anything anymore except I would agree with you that anyone thinking of having an A with a married man they might as well just drive off a cliff and be done with it in a few seconds. Like you, I think xMM said more than he did. Too much talk, too little walk. Goes to show words don't mean bugger all in the end. I don't really care too much anymore what xMM is going to do now. I just want him out of my head. It's a slow process but I'll get there. You will too. Good luck and hugs.

[half_ofa_heart]

Heart, I never had a d-day and I sometimes wonder if it would have made the slightest diff. Anyway, it's only been 1 week NC so I've got a long road ahead. I don't know anymore if he loved me or not. I don't know anything anymore except I would agree with you that anyone thinking of having an A with a married man they might as well just drive off a cliff and be done with it in a few seconds. Like you, I think xMM said more than he did. Too much talk, too little walk. Goes to show words don't mean bugger all in the end. I don't really care too much anymore what xMM is going to do now. I just want him out of my head. It's a slow process but I'll get there. You will too. Good luck and hugs.

 

Thanks and hugs to you as well. Keep being strong. Last night I failed at NC and must start all over again. After I blocked him from IM and my cell, he sent me an email. LATE last night fighting back tears, I responded to his email. I told him I was doing what I had to do to move on and that the pain of remaining friends was just way too much to ask of me. Told him I gave him everything that he was missing in his marriage and his wife got all the benefits. Told him I deserve better.

 

I'm sitting at my desk at work and there are two voice mail messages from him and I don't think I'm strong enough to listen to them. I knew blocking him from calling me wasn't going to stop him. He has so many ways of getting thru to me. We work for the same company but not in the same buildings. This is a HARD day for me

[calliope]

Well, you're doing really well, East7. My first week is usually easy, then for some strange reason it gets harder. I don't know beyond 2.5 wks so it will be interesting. As long as we both manage to stay NC, I know I will be fine. And if he breaks it, I better stick to my boundaries or be prepared to be roadkill.

 

I miss him a lot too but what can you do? It is what it is. We must accept and move on.

 

East, how long has your A been going on? Sorry I could probably dig out your old posts but am a bit tired... take care.

Hey siuys. I went back and read all your previous posts. I'm in a very similar situation that never got quite as far as yours. 1st D-day was 6 wks ago- he didn't leave that night, stayed at home & the next morning came and broke it off with me to try and fix things at home. 2nd D-day was 5 days ago, he came to my house with a bag in his hand, stayed 2 days then went back home again. They have no children together.

 

I haven't talked to him and have no idea why he changed his mind. My feelings for him are exactly the same as with your MM - I could have written your posts. I've been in this for 16 mos.

 

I'm meeting him tomorrow to talk. I know I'm very much still in emotionally, but I have to stay strong enough to lay out my conditions...

[siuys]

calliope, isn't this all so ****ed up? excuse my french but there isn't a better way to describe it. another confirmation that my situation is far from unique. another reminder better move on. all i can say is xMM flipped and flopped, said he was going to work on his M twice only to come back days later. how can anyone turn around and come back in DAYS? the only reason is because they are so confused and caught up with their emotions they cannot think straight. his actions (or, rather inactions) told me that's all he ever was – a confused piece of crap. so unless he stays away long enough to work on his issues (be it himself, or his M) nothing will ever convince me again coz he doesn't even know himself.

 

I hope you will get some answers you need from talking to your MM. i know i tried to get answers but didn't. he couldn't give them to me coz he didn't even know himself. so i have to find the answer for myself: which is i don't want to be OW and i want to write him out of my life as hard as it is. our 'goodbye' was open-ended so it's harder than if he had said 'i'm going back to W for good'. i'll just have to live with that and move on. it's the biggest challenge to date for me. it's harder than my divorce, harder than losing my mother, harder than any physical challenges, harder than hard!

 

Heart, sorry you broke NC but don't beat yourself up. It's ok, you're human and it happens. Pick yourself up again and continue. it's not all lost. you are NOT exactly back to square one. someone said to me it gets easier and i think it's true. i'm on day 9 so who am i to talk but i am looking for strong people as my guidance at the moment. the ones who have been on NC long enough, who have truly moved on. hugs to both of you.

[calliope]

I hope I get some answers too. It's the only way I can stop feeling like I'm feeling all week. We've always had very good open communication. He needs a lot of prodding but once I get him to open up, it all floods out of him. I hope tomorrow goes well. I'm not sure the set up, maybe just coffee so more pressure to not get overly emotional in public. I don't want to be at my house, too easy for him to leave when it gets uncomfortable.

 

I can't say our end was 'open-ended', he didn't say he's going back for good. Just said he felt something once for her & wanted to try & get it back. He said the same thing when he went back 6wks ago then was back telling me again he wanted to move forward with me 12 days later.

[East7]

I thought I was strong but tonight I think a lot about xMW...Its such a roller-coaster. The day I don't think much of her but when the nights falls and everything is quiet, I take some french wine, and I can't help thinking of her..LC since 1 month and NC since 2 weeks.

 

We spent our first (and maybe last) vacations together in September, she didn't stop telling how she was in love and happy and only after 1 month she decided to break-up, isn't that cruel? memories are still fresh...Actually we pushed too hard each-other, I put her an ultimatum, get a D or don't talk to me, she stepped back telling me that she can't leave her family, it all ended in frustration and pain...

I don't think I feel pain, its just a heavy sadness that comes and goes. I think we never stop loving someone, we just learn to preserve and love ourselves more.

 

Meanwhile I spend nice weekends, I have met other girls but no one makes the trick. I enjoy other women company but I just feel empty...I feel empty and cold like I'm unable to love another person...I hope this shall pass.

 

I guess, just needed to talk tonight after a couple of wine glasses...

Edited December 8, 2010 by East7

[Joobi]

Hi everyone

 

For me one of the most important things in moving on were allowing myself to blame him a bit. I think it is important to accept responsibility, but not ALL the responsibility. I allowed myself to feel angry at how I was treated. I think before that a big part of me was thinking that I deserved to be hurt etc because what did I expect getting involved with someone who was married. Even though he said it was over with his wife and they were living in different countries, I still felt I should have known better.

 

A major major thing which helped me to feel a lot better was accepting that it was really over, he wasn't coming back, he wasn't missing me like I was missing him, he wasn't 'waiting for a good time to come back' or all the other things I believed. I didn't tell anyone about this but I entertained these ideas for a long time and wanted to believe that they were true.

 

I guess my point is that even if he was missing me that much etc, it wasn't helping me anyway. He wasn't coming back and somehow I was hanging on to something which I would have done better to let go of.

 

Once I let go of this (and it has been gradual, maybe I haven't even completely let go of it), I felt more able to move on with MY life and make plans for my future, even enjoying dates as in seeing a future in them and not just a way of filling the time.

 

I know I agonized all the time about whether or not he missed me like I missed him, whether he still loved me. I wanted to get in touch with him, I wanted to know how he was feeling. Because of this, having contact with him, while it was something I wanted deperately, actually didn't help me much. It was like an addiction (as previous posts say) because I craved something. I got my 'fix' ie him telling me he did care and then I just wanted more the next day when I would crash and start wondering if he had changed his mind or lied. Contact with him, even him choosing to share trivial details about his life with me, just fed my fantasies about how he missed me and would 'see the light' soon. I looked for meaning in every sentence, every youtube link, even how he signed his name at the end of emails which I was a recipient of. I am sure I spent far more time dissecting his emails that he ever spent writing them.

 

Going LC (I do think NC is better, but sometimes not possible (I worked with him, others may have other reasons)) meant that I didn't have much to feed my dreams of him coming back. Eventually those dreams started to fade away, seem less real and therefore cause less pain and I have to say that I am much healthier for it.

 

Noone has to go NC, it is completely a personal choice, but for me this was the main reason why it was a good idea not to give into a desire to hear his voice.

[calliope]

I will take this advice and re-read it many times. I too am in a work situation where NC is impossible. No matter how much I've told myself the same things about how he feels about me, I know I have to finally face the reality...

 

It's good to see that healing is possible.

[siuys]

I thought I was strong but tonight I think a lot about xMW...Its such a roller-coaster. The day I don't think much of her but when the nights falls and everything is quiet, I take some french wine, and I can't help thinking of her..LC since 1 month and NC since 2 weeks.

 

We spent our first (and maybe last) vacations together in September, she didn't stop telling how she was in love and happy and only after 1 month she decided to break-up, isn't that cruel? memories are still fresh...Actually we pushed too hard each-other, I put her an ultimatum, get a D or don't talk to me, she stepped back telling me that she can't leave her family, it all ended in frustration and pain...

I don't think I feel pain, its just a heavy sadness that comes and goes. I think we never stop loving someone, we just learn to preserve and love ourselves more.

 

Meanwhile I spend nice weekends, I have met other girls but no one makes the trick. I enjoy other women company but I just feel empty...I feel empty and cold like I'm unable to love another person...I hope this shall pass.

 

I guess, just needed to talk tonight after a couple of wine glasses...

 

Hugs, East7. I so know how you feel. Some days are good, others not so good. I also find myself thinking about xMM a lot when I'm alone, and when am at home at night alone, or in bed trying to get to sleep. It's getting better though as I learn to deal with it, telling myself it's all part of moving on. It's less painful now than it was before. I only saw him 3 times in November and NC since 1 Dec so it does get a tad easier.

 

Guess despite some good things coming out of this R, for which I am grateful, I can honestly say I will never get involved with someone attached again. It's just a lose-lose situation. Like my therapist said, I'm wanting to buy a house that's simply not for sale...

 

Hang in there, East7. Just know there are many of us out there in the same boat. You are not alone.

[thissecretgirl]

I'm worried that after almost 4 months NC it doesnt seem to be getting any easier for me. I guess everyone is individual and it will take different amounts of time to get over their respective OM/OW.

 

I just keep reading how its getting easier and people seem to be dealing with it much better than I am and have more of a grip/able to rationalise things better

 

When I try to analyse how I feel the only answer I come up with is that I feel little difference. The only difference is that I am not crying as much. Is that an improvement? I hope so.

 

Sorry, tonight I am missing him and feeling a bit weepy and on top of that I'm worried there's something wrong with me. I think my mate at work also expects me to get over it now, but I cant. She is dating after her latest split but honestly I cant even begin to think about being with someone else. He might be a wanker and I hate what he has done, but evenso I still have feelings of love for him and I cant date someone if I'm still in love with my ex......I think!

 

Sorry, two glasses of wine here too

[East7]

Hugs, East7. I so know how you feel. Some days are good, others not so good. I also find myself thinking about xMM a lot when I'm alone, and when am at home at night alone, or in bed trying to get to sleep. It's getting better though as I learn to deal with it, telling myself it's all part of moving on. It's less painful now than it was before. I only saw him 3 times in November and NC since 1 Dec so it does get a tad easier.

 

Guess despite some good things coming out of this R, for which I am grateful, I can honestly say I will never get involved with someone attached again. It's just a lose-lose situation. Like my therapist said, I'm wanting to buy a house that's simply not for sale...

 

Hang in there, East7. Just know there are many of us out there in the same boat. You are not alone.

 

Thanks siuys,

 

what's amazing on LS is that before we come here we all think our situation is so unique but all the A-s look so much with one another.

 

I have got all this mixed feelings...Loving her, hating her..

 

The hardest part to get over - and I stick to the Topic - is Acceptance. I still linger at the WHY's nd What-ifs and as long as I cant let this go, I know I will still be grieving somehow.

 

The key is accepting that it is history, no matter how much we were in love, no matter whether it was true love or addiction, that the life goes on and there are plenty of wonderful things and persons, that we have genuinely loved someone for the person that she was not because she was married, that we have no guilt to carry on.

 

And I think compared to a normal relationship the pain inflicted by an A is double harder : At least in a normal R the Ex goes back to be single, there is no humiliation. The MAP inflicts a double pain : breaking-up AND betrayal altogether, going back to the very person that he/she has cheated and lied to. The BSs feel betrayed but the OPs feel betrayed too regardless that the commitment goes to only one party. Its not easy to have shared a lot of intimacy, sex, romance and not feel betrayed at the end.

[thissecretgirl]

Thanks siuys,

 

what's amazing on LS is that before we come here we all think our situation is so unique but all the A-s look so much with one another.

 

I have got all this mixed feelings...Loving her, hating her..

 

The hardest part to get over - and I stick to the Topic - is Acceptance. I still linger at the WHY's nd What-ifs and as long as I cant let this go, I know I will still be grieving somehow.

 

The key is accepting that it is history, no matter how much we were in love, no matter whether it was true love or addiction, that the life goes on and there are plenty of wonderful things and persons, that we have genuinely loved someone for the person that she was not because she was married, that we have no guilt to carry on.

 

And I think compared to a normal relationship the pain inflicted by an A is double harder : At least in a normal R the Ex goes back to be single, there is no humiliation. The MAP inflicts a double pain : breaking-up AND betrayal altogether, going back to the very person that he/she has cheated and lied to. The BSs feel betrayed but the OPs feel betrayed too regardless that the commitment goes to only one party. Its not easy to have shared a lot of intimacy, sex, romance and not feel betrayed at the end.

 

Thanks East7 this post really helped me.

[phillygirl]

it took me about a week, after i broke it off. my reason: i was engaged in unethical and immoral behavior. despite how we try to rationalize A, the bottom line: you are in a relationship with someone who has a significant relationship with someone else. if he REALLY loved me, he'd divorced his wife. he did not (and they remain married today). so despite his "i really loved you..." the truth, he did not. nor did he respect himself, me, his marriage/family, et al.

 

so, i saved myself YEARS of grief and therapy; moved on and married my own husband.

 

contrary to what other wish to believe, it CAN be done.