How long does it take to get over your MM/MW

[siuys]

Just curious to know from those of you who seriously have no more contact (i.e. really over) with your xMM/xMW, how long until you feel normal, happy and yourself, and thoughts of them are barely in your head or when you no longer care whether you are with them anymore?

 

And under what circumstances did you end it. D-day, too much pain, etc?

[thissecretgirl]

Just curious to know from those of you who seriously have no more contact (i.e. really over) with your xMM/xMW, how long until you feel normal, happy and yourself, and thoughts of them are barely in your head or when you no longer care whether you are with them anymore?

 

And under what circumstances did you end it. D-day, too much pain, etc?

 

Yeah, I'd be really interested to hear people's answers too Siuys. It's been 4 months for me a really bad ending.

I long for the day to come when I feel ok again and when he doesnt enter my head at all. I'm finding No Contact really difficult and desperately searching for tips on how to deal with it.

[siuys]

Hugs, secret girl. 4 months is serious progress in my opinion well done and hang in there. I am very early on with NC (having broken it last week) so I wish I could tell you as am searching for answers as well. But as I work on myself, and love myself, and not look for that in xMM, the better I feel in general. But of course it's still up and down. Good luck.

[steelknife]

Just curious to know from those of you who seriously have no more contact (i.e. really over) with your xMM/xMW, how long until you feel normal, happy and yourself, and thoughts of them are barely in your head or when you no longer care whether you are with them anymore?

 

And under what circumstances did you end it. D-day, too much pain, etc?

 

dday for me. and it has been 55 days since then. no contact from me. and he tried calling me a few times bout 2 weeks in btween but im too angry to be nice. and i dont care what he feels. he hurt me and almost killed my heart. why should i care about what he feels.

i cant answer re normal. am not normal yet. i still thnk of him all the time. i still wonder if he thnks of me. i look at the clock at a certain time and remember he would call me at this time. wondering where he is.

i dont care anymore about us. it is truly over. but i miss him. but he hurt me too mcuh. ive also come to slowly realize all those time he lied to me and i let it pass...

i still long to hear his voice. the old "us" but i guess he has truly moved on..it hurts but i need to accept that it is over and i dont want to go trhough the pain again.

[Summer Breeze]

I missed him for ages but then again I've missed every person I've had relationships with for ages. I'm in my 40s and sometimes miss a boy I went out with in high school.

 

Mine was several Ddays and he always started things back up. I love him to this day and if he was single I'd go to him without a moments hesitation. I woke up one day and went for a walk and thought how nice it would be to have 'someone' with me. I didn't think how nice it would be to have 'MM' with me. I wanted 'someone'. That was pretty much the moment I knew I was ready to look for more.

 

It's not easy and it does hurt but so does the end of any relationship especially if you're not the one doing the ending. There isn't a set time for recovery so just let yourself feel the pain. It will ease and it will end. Hugs girls.

[thissecretgirl]

Hugs, secret girl. 4 months is serious progress in my opinion well done and hang in there. I am very early on with NC (having broken it last week) so I wish I could tell you as am searching for answers as well. But as I work on myself, and love myself, and not look for that in xMM, the better I feel in general. But of course it's still up and down. Good luck.

 

Thanks for the hugs siuys, they are much needed. I only thought the other day I havent actually had a hug from someone since July. Blimey.

We actually spoke and had contact after dday for about another ten days, thats when it all went badly wrong and there has been nothing since. I dont think there will be. My friends and mum think differently. My bf and mum actually met him last year and they think he will make contact again but that it will be in a few months time.

He has been the biggest jerk and treated me very badly; I guess he would say the same for me. Having said all that I am only human and I still miss him. NC is hard.

I hope he does break it one day because I have some things to say.

[SunsetRed]

As soon as I'm over my xMM, I'll get on here and post my wisdom and well wishes for others.

 

Right now, I am still suffering. I've been at NC for over 2 weeks. We broke NC about 3 weeks ago when he called me whining and boo hooing about how "confused" he was. I stupidly had sex with him and then he made me feel like a whore in the morning and even accused me of trying to sabotage his efforts to work on his marriage. He accused me of trying to seduce him when he was the one who had called me crying and had come to my place.

 

After that hurtful moment, I swore I was DONE. However now, I am fighting the urge to email him and tell him I love him. God, I'm crazy.

[Joobi]

I had a major D-day in April 2009. I'd say we've been pretty much NC for a couple of months now. Before that contact was really sparse since Dec 2009.

I still think about him, but it has changed and got easier. In the beginning I just desprately wanted to be near him and would have made serious sacrifices to get there (which I probably would later have regretted). I thought he was really special and that I'd never find this depth of understanding and coneection again.

 

I guess it has been a gradual process for me. Sometimes I still wonder if this realtaionship was the special one, but far more often I see it in a different light. As far as thinking about the exMM goes. I probably still think about him at least once every day. But the difference is that it no longer causes me ot feel a huge sense of loss and grief. Now, I sometimes feel anger towards him and I hate to say it but wish that he would experience the suffering that I did as I found his comments about not having any regrets in his behaviour to be totally unacceptable given the massive amount of pain which was caused (not only to me). But more often than that I just think about him and hope he is doing well.

 

As to whether I will ever stop thinking about him completely, I don't know. I don't think daily about all my exes so perhaps I will. However, what I would say is that thinking about him no longer impeeds my ability to live my life in the present, and as for the future, who knows what it will bring.

 

So I hope that gives you some hope that even if you don't stop thinking about them, or even caring about what happens to them, time really does help the debilitating pain to reduce considerably.

 

Lots of hugs to you all.

[spice4life]

As soon as I'm over my xMM, I'll get on here and post my wisdom and well wishes for others.

 

Right now, I am still suffering. I've been at NC for over 2 weeks. We broke NC about 3 weeks ago when he called me whining and boo hooing about how "confused" he was. I stupidly had sex with him and then he made me feel like a whore in the morning and even accused me of trying to sabotage his efforts to work on his marriage. He accused me of trying to seduce him when he was the one who had called me crying and had come to my place.

 

After that hurtful moment, I swore I was DONE. However now, I am fighting the urge to email him and tell him I love him. God, I'm crazy.

 

Don't beat yourself up because he was only projecting how he feels about himself onto you. What a jerk! He is sabotaging his own efforts and can't handle it, so he dumped it on you. And now you are left feeling like garbage and he goes back home to play "happy family man".

 

If you stay NC then he will have to deal with his own stuff. He won't have you around anymore to dump on. Remember NC = no new hurts. I know how you feel though because I have let that happen to me in the past. The thing you have to realize is that everytime they reel you in and get what they need, everything goes back to the way it was before. The only difference is, another little piece of you gets depleted.

 

Hang in ther sweety and stay NC. Because you know what, when he does this he is sabotaging you and your efforts to move on. If you let him he will keep doing it, so you need to stay strong. Demand better for yourself because you deserve so much better than this.

[siuys]

As soon as I'm over my xMM, I'll get on here and post my wisdom and well wishes for others.

 

Right now, I am still suffering. I've been at NC for over 2 weeks. We broke NC about 3 weeks ago when he called me whining and boo hooing about how "confused" he was. I stupidly had sex with him and then he made me feel like a whore in the morning and even accused me of trying to sabotage his efforts to work on his marriage. He accused me of trying to seduce him when he was the one who had called me crying and had come to my place.

 

After that hurtful moment, I swore I was DONE. However now, I am fighting the urge to email him and tell him I love him. God, I'm crazy.

 

You ARE crazy sunset!!!! I think I understand coz you love him but my gosh look at how he's treating you! xMM never treated me badly, or said anything to that effect, the reality is he is a completely mess and doesn't know what he wants to for my own sanity I have to walk away and forget about it. Please sunset, stay away.

[siuys]

I had a major D-day in April 2009. I'd say we've been pretty much NC for a couple of months now. Before that contact was really sparse since Dec 2009.

I still think about him, but it has changed and got easier. In the beginning I just desprately wanted to be near him and would have made serious sacrifices to get there (which I probably would later have regretted). I thought he was really special and that I'd never find this depth of understanding and coneection again.

 

I guess it has been a gradual process for me. Sometimes I still wonder if this realtaionship was the special one, but far more often I see it in a different light. As far as thinking about the exMM goes. I probably still think about him at least once every day. But the difference is that it no longer causes me ot feel a huge sense of loss and grief. Now, I sometimes feel anger towards him and I hate to say it but wish that he would experience the suffering that I did as I found his comments about not having any regrets in his behaviour to be totally unacceptable given the massive amount of pain which was caused (not only to me). But more often than that I just think about him and hope he is doing well.

 

As to whether I will ever stop thinking about him completely, I don't know. I don't think daily about all my exes so perhaps I will. However, what I would say is that thinking about him no longer impeeds my ability to live my life in the present, and as for the future, who knows what it will bring.

 

So I hope that gives you some hope that even if you don't stop thinking about them, or even caring about what happens to them, time really does help the debilitating pain to reduce considerably.

 

Lots of hugs to you all.

 

Thank you, Joobi. If, like you, I can think about him without pain and can get on with my life quite happily that would be the goal to have. Contact has been sparse since Nov, since he moved back to his marital home so it IS getting a tad easier. I guess with xmas and all I find it a little more challenging but before we know it, it's 2011. All the best.

[siuys]

The thing you have to realize is that everytime they reel you in and get what they need, everything goes back to the way it was before. The only difference is, another little piece of you gets depleted.

 

I just returned from a very effective quit smoking program. And this sentence sounds so much like some of the issues that were addressed in the program. It is almost like by making contact, you ENSURE that you will feel low again meaning you will have to make contact again to feel high, thus perpetuating the cycle. It may sound ridiculous to some, but I see some similarities between nicotine addiction and xMM!!!!

 

Distance, space and getting on with our lives are the only things that will give us the clarity and strength we need I think.

[pureinheart]

Just curious to know from those of you who seriously have no more contact (i.e. really over) with your xMM/xMW, how long until you feel normal, happy and yourself, and thoughts of them are barely in your head or when you no longer care whether you are with them anymore?

 

And under what circumstances did you end it. D-day, too much pain, etc?

 

Hi Siuys,

 

I've gone more NC's than all of the posters put together on LS since it started ...lol...I did go NC for a long stretch, and that changed his status from MM, to SM...now he is exDM....hummmm many titles!

 

Could the process take longer in the case of not reaching the M point that some feel there is unfinished business?

 

For me, exDM filled holes in my life, we did things together, fun things that took my mind off of the negative things I was facing in other areas. Now I am left with me. The responsibility is mine to fill those holes.

 

I don't feel like meeting someone new and telling my whole life story over again...I don't have to go through this, but I am and it seems stupid, but I don't know what to do. I am not happy with my physical appearance (vain, I know), but yet am not going the extra mile to change that...like you know in those movies where the woman gets D'ed...eats ice cream for two weeks then all of a sudden says F this , I'm going to get into shape and feel good about myself again and turns into this gorgeous woman and the exH is drooling...lol, but she looks at him like a lower life form.

 

I need the will for that drastic transformation to feel normal again...to feel like myself....right now I cry all of the time...my kids looked at me like I was nuts when I cried because we are about to tear down a freaking storage shed that is attached to my giant keepsake (the home I lived in during teen years, I live in that now)....if you look at me funny I'll cry!

Edited December 4, 2010 by pureinheart

[spice4life]

I just returned from a very effective quit smoking program. And this sentence sounds so much like some of the issues that were addressed in the program. It is almost like by making contact, you ENSURE that you will feel low again meaning you will have to make contact again to feel high, thus perpetuating the cycle. It may sound ridiculous to some, but I see some similarities between nicotine addiction and xMM!!!!

 

Distance, space and getting on with our lives are the only things that will give us the clarity and strength we need I think.

 

It doesn't sound ridiculous at all to me that's for sure! For me, every time there was a NC period or the time in between meet ups, I needed contact to calm down the anxiety. Even though I knew I was going to end up feeling like garbage again afterward...meaning the let down after seeing one another, I did it anyway. It has addiction written all over it!

 

Good for you that you started a smoking cessation program - I need one too! That is next on my list. Keep up the good work suiys, you are taking care of you and that is so important.

[spice4life]

Hi Siuys,

 

I've gone more NC's than all of the posters put together on LS since it started ...lol...I did go NC for a long stretch, and that changed his status from MM, to SM...now he is exDM....hummmm many titles!

 

Could the process take longer in the case of not reaching the M point that some feel there is unfinished business?

 

For me, exDM filled holes in my life, we did things together, fun things that took my mind off of the negative things I was facing in other areas. Now I am left with me. The responsibility is mine to fill those holes.

 

I don't feel like meeting someone new and telling my whole life story over again...I don't have to go through this, but I am and it seems stupid, but I don't know what to do. I am not happy with my physical appearance (vain, I know), but yet am not going the extra mile to change that...like you know in those movies where the woman gets D'ed...eats ice cream for two weeks then all of a sudden says F this , I'm going to get into shape and feel good about myself again and turns into this gorgeous woman and the exH is drooling...lol, but she looks at him like a lower life form.

 

I need the will for that drastic transformation to feel normal again...to feel like myself....right now I cry all of the time...my kids looked at me like I was nuts when I cried because we are about to tear down a freaking storage shed that is attached to my giant keepsake (the home I lived in during teen years, I live in that now)....if you look at me funny I'll cry!

 

Awww pureinheart. ((((HUGS))))) Don't worry, one day you will make it through this.

[RamChops]

Have been NC with xMW for over a year, after a 3 year A. It was a nasty ending, so the NC is total. In that year, I have been dating someone, but not whole-heartedly, and with many bumps in the road. xMW does come into my mind from time to time, but without the sting of pain at being apart from her, and without the longing to be with her, so I definitely feel like I'm healing. There is still a deep-seated resentment at having been treated as a plaything, though in most ways I only have myself to blame. There is hope that those feelings will pass as well.

 

Having distractions in your life, and people who will listen to you also helps. Hope you recover soon siuys

[siuys]

Wow, ramchops, a year of NC is a long time. Sorry it didn't work out and it had a nasty ending... It's only been a week for me so I have a long way to go. I feel ok, and functional, not depressed or anything but I miss him. That's all. And I may miss him for a very long time. That's just the way it is.

 

I am glad you're moving on, and no longer feel so much pain. Resentment is toxic, so let it go. Maybe easier said than done. Forgiveness is important... all the best.

[pureinheart]

Awww pureinheart. ((((HUGS))))) Don't worry, one day you will make it through this.

 

 

Thanks S4L...that was really sweet:)....there are many open doors for all of us, I know it's just around the corner...

[pureinheart]

I missed him for ages but then again I've missed every person I've had relationships with for ages. I'm in my 40s and sometimes miss a boy I went out with in high school.

 

Mine was several Ddays and he always started things back up. I love him to this day and if he was single I'd go to him without a moments hesitation. I woke up one day and went for a walk and thought how nice it would be to have 'someone' with me. I didn't think how nice it would be to have 'MM' with me. I wanted 'someone'. That was pretty much the moment I knew I was ready to look for more.

 

It's not easy and it does hurt but so does the end of any relationship especially if you're not the one doing the ending. There isn't a set time for recovery so just let yourself feel the pain. It will ease and it will end. Hugs girls.

 

I think it's interesting how you communicated this...it's what I've been going through...still pining after an exfiance also and thought I was going crazy.

 

Well, time for all unfinished business to be finished!

[East7]

For me 2 weeks on definitive NC with xMW.

And healing wasn't possible each time she broke NC and we restarted talking, now doing much better.

The hardest part was 1st week, now I don't feel any pain only some kind of sadness. When I meet another woman I cant help to compare her to xMW, is she as smart, cute, sexy as MW ? I know it is insane and I hope this too shall pass.

Sometimes I hate her for going back to her husband, sometimes I miss her dearly. I should have known better, now I'm telling myself "Dude, what did you expect, she was married"

I think of her very often but it's not something paralyzing like before. When I was in pain thinking of her was overwhelming, I almost couldn't focus on anything else than her. Now it is much different, I have found peace again and enjoy every day though I miss her a lot.

[siuys]

Well, you're doing really well, East7. My first week is usually easy, then for some strange reason it gets harder. I don't know beyond 2.5 wks so it will be interesting. As long as we both manage to stay NC, I know I will be fine. And if he breaks it, I better stick to my boundaries or be prepared to be roadkill.

 

I miss him a lot too but what can you do? It is what it is. We must accept and move on.

 

East, how long has your A been going on? Sorry I could probably dig out your old posts but am a bit tired... take care.

[East7]

 

East, how long has your A been going on? Sorry I could probably dig out your old posts but am a bit tired... take care.

 

1 year in a Long distance R (if I can call it this way) and we met every 4 months. We had to deal with the distance, I don't know how we could make it, but it worked for over 1 year.

[Hazyhead]

I feel ok, and functional, not depressed or anything but I miss him. That's all. And I may miss him for a very long time. That's just the way it is.

 

I think this is key, siuys, it may indeed take a while, but you know what, I think it can change over time to a more positive feeling. It's not how it is with me now, with the way it actually turned last month or so (at least his behaviour cured the tiny bit of pining there was left ), but before that I had reached a peaceful acceptance and had, in a strange way, learned to enjoy those moments when I missed him, to use them to think fondly of him but then move on. I think as long as you don't dwell in your sorrow and can learn to fill your time with fun and every other wonderful thing you have in your life, you can learn to hold the memories instead of resent them.

 

Keep your chin up, chicken, I think you're doing well.

 

Hugs

Hazy x

[UntoldStory]

Sometimes I hate her for going back to her husband, sometimes I miss her dearly. I should have known better, now I'm telling myself "Dude, what did you expect, she was married"

 

Hey everyone, it's been a while. I've been lurking for the past couple weeks, and when I start coming back to this board to lurk, I know I'm headed for yet another cycle through the crappy part of this stupid A that I never wanted to be in in the first place!!!!!

 

Anyway, East, the bolded part is exactly what I've been repeating to myself about every 3 hours for the last 3 weeks...

 

As a little update, I've now been separated from H for a month, which is all in all a very positive change for me and my kids. Sure, I still have to communicate with him about childcare, money, etc but now that he's out of the house, I get to say when and how and where those convos go, and I get to end them when I want to. H is actually already dating someone else, which I am grateful for because it means she gets to carry the burden of his depression now, because he won't carry it himself (ie he won't try medication).

 

On the A front... I have no idea how long it takes to get over them, cause I can't figure out how to even start, apparently. I'm a pretty competent person in general but I seriously fail at this. I'm still in touch with my LDR MM. There aren't torrents of romantic passion flowing between us right now, as we're sort of in this awkward "let's just not talk about the real feelings and just pretend we're buddies" thing...

 

I think in the last thread I posted, about a month ago, I was enjoying LC and saying I wanted to see where this road goes. Well, what do you know??? It turns out it's just a big fricking loop back to where I was before!!!! (Yes, you can all say "I told you so" if it makes you feel better!)

[BB07]

I'm 6 months out from the big revelation (that my separated man was not separated at all) and I'm doing good.

I think a few things that are key is that I have NO contact with him and I'm fully accepting that it is OVER and I hold out NO hope for any kind of future. The key to getting my head right is the realization within myself that I will not tolerate nor accept being treated badly nor will I take a chance on a man who has proved himself to be untrustworthy. I also had to accept that the man that I thought I knew did not exist, that man was not the real one I thought I knew. The real man had no honor, is conflict avoidant, a liar, manipulator and if he loved me........it was sure as hell not the way I want and need to be loved.

 

Girls and Guys.......you have to let go of the illusions, face the reality of who you are really dealing with. At best a confused conflicted person who YES, who does lie and cheat, at worst you just might be dealing with someone who is devious, incredibly selfish and downright cruel, and maybe you are even dealing with a sociopath.

 

You have a choice......and no one else can do it for you. If the situation is causing you pain and grief and drama, what is the point of hanging on with hope that things will change? Life is passing you by if you are sitting on the sidelines waiting on something that is not reality. Tell him/her to either ****e or get off the pot by so and so date, don't listen to the bs excuses that do nothing but keep you in the wings and keep you a prisoner of your own prison. Break out!

 

If I can do it.........so can you!

Edited December 6, 2010 by BB07