My bf gets turned on by my jealousy? Why is he doing this?

[greenwood]

Not so long ago I have started a thread about my bf, after he secretly posted pics of him and his ex online (FB). He is in his mid 30s, I am a few years younger.

 

Of course, I found out about it and we had an argument. But I had a feeling he had planned it all out, as weird as it may sound. Well, not planned, as in carefully planned and thought about the details etc, just done it to make me jealous.

 

When we go out, or spend the night together, he starts talking about how beautiful this or that lady is at his work. He makes it seem like not a big deal (talks about them as if it were a completely normal thing to do), but then again, he does not talk about his male colleagues too often. It's like when we are just chilling out, he would bring up something, out of nowhere, that happened with a woman at his work.

 

Last week I found a long blonde hair on his jacket when he came home. I made a comment, in a very funny, joking way. To my surprise, when he saw the hair, he went all shy, and looked away in a very cute way. Like a child who has done something naughty, but not really naughty, and got caught, because he wanted to get caught - for attention. I might say he even became touched by my question. He then looked away smiling, and said he has no idea how did it et there, and then he grabbed me and kissed me... The next thing I know we are making love on the couch and he is all wild.... ??

 

The other day he got a candy from a woman at his work. He made sure to bring it home and show it to me. He kept it in the kitchen, untouched, for days, so that I can see it when I arrive from my trip. After he told me it was from a lady friend, he ate it.

 

Things like these are happening every day, and it is really going on my nerves.

 

Two things I would like to add:

 

1. I have been in a relationship with a cheater before. He was playing me for months. Based on this relationship (with the cheater), I would say that men are definitely not trying to make you jealous on purpose - in case they are really cheating. I am just remembering my relationship with the cheater guy now, and believe that if my current bf was really cheating, he would not try to tell me in such obvious ways that he is (or will be) having an affair. Or that so many women like him.

 

2. My bf, generally, is a good, respectful man. I am not going to go into details. But he is truly treating me well in many ways. I know he loves me and respects me. And this is my huge problem. The things he does .... I really feel that small expressions of my jealousy really turn him on. He becomes very "excited" when I show him I am hurt, like I said, it might literally turn him on.

 

Is this normal?? Is something wrong with him? He is not insecure. He is very manly (not faking it), although he does have a slight feminine side.

 

So for now, I assume that he is trying hard to make me jealous because it turns him on. Although I think it is weird. I have never experienced anything like this before.

 

Like I said, it is not really insecurity. It is more like he wants to feel wanted. Is this a common thing? How far should I let him go? I am deeply hurt by his deeds so many times, but I keep telling myself this is how he is.

 

Also, I have tried to talk to him about this, and he swears he loves me. At this moment I believe he is honest. But the next day it all starts again. The idea that he is a player is always there in my head. What should I do? Today, although I do have strong feelings for him, I am actually considering ending the relationship.

[hART]

Go with your intuition on this one, he sounds like bad news. My first boyfriend was like this, he loved to talk to me about his female friend (see my first post ever in 2004). I realized later that he is manipulative and abusive. If he isn't cheating or hasn't, he might be using this behavior to test how you feel on OW in his life.

[JackJack]

He sounds like like a child. You might want to rethink if you're into playing these childish games. You say he is good and respectful, him liking you being jealous and trying to actually make you feel that way by talking about other women or whatever etc, isn't being respectful, sorry.

[whichwayisup]

A true player will always make you wonder..You won't ever know for sure, he'll say the right thing to you to make you believe, but within one swoop or dumb comment again, you will wonder..Again.

 

What does your gut say?

 

Just tell him point blank what you feel, why and what you need him to do. And that if he doesn't stop talking about these other women, you will end it with him because you deserve better. Stand up for yourself!!

[BellaBellaBella]

I think he sounds very insecure, and enjoys the attention. Your getting upset about it gives him validation.

 

I once was involved with someone and I believe that is what he did, by telling me he was being flirted with. Fed his ego.

[PandorasBox]

I agree with the others. This is all about him, and what others can do for him to make him feel good. Him making you jealous on purpose is not about respect. Its about your reaction to what he tells you, and how it makes him feel.

 

The next time he brings something up about another woman etc, say, "That's nice" and go about your business. Or, you could also say, 'thats nice, I had a guy today tell me how cute I was." Say it in a giggly shy way, then go about your business. I'm not saying this will fix anything, but it would be interesting to see his reaction.

Edited December 4, 2010 by PandorasBox

[carhill]

He could be mirroring what he saw as 'love' during his socialization period and is carrying forward those images into behaviors. How well do you know his family?