My new wife not making an effort - how do I address?

[WorriedOne]

My wife and I got married in April (I'm 36, she's 39). We love each other very much and I am happy with her.

 

There is one thing that is becoming increasingly troubling to me, however, and I find myself wanting to talk about it with her rather than let it boil over and become a bigger problem.

 

I'm a pretty active person, spend a lot of time in the gym, and generally enjoy being out of the house doing things. My wife, on the other hand, has a job that is physically demanding and requires being entertaining all the time...by the time she gets home from work she really just wants to unwind on the couch and watch some TV. TV bores me to tears so I typically head to the computer while she's watching TV. This happens often and is "apart" time, and I don't like that.

 

Sex is a struggle. She comes home from work exhausted and dressed very casually (baseball caps most days)...it's just not terribly feminine or attractive to me. She won't shower until late in the evening and then goes straight into pajamas and ready for bed. Again, there is no effort to look nice or sexy. Please understand, I don't expect my wife to put on lingerie or anything ridiculous like that, but huge billowy t-shirts and baggy pajama pants, thick glasses and wet, slicked-back hair is just not a good look - even for a woman who is a true looker like she is. She is affectionate and seems interested in sex at this time but honestly by this hour I am just tired and, her appearance at this point being closer to a young boy than a woman, I'm just not raring to go. We have sex maybe 2-3 times a week which is far, far less frequent than any other woman I have been in a serious relationship with.

 

When we first started dating and were engaged, we did not have any of these issues. When she got home from work she would either go to the gym with me or she'd go straight to shower and change into nice clothes for a night out. Now, it is baseball caps and sweatpants no less than 4 nights a week. She constantly apologizes for it because she knows it is not "a good look" (her words), and I tell her that I don't mind because of the nature of her work, but honestly...it is starting to disappoint me. There are no more visits to the gym which I think have only lowered her energy levels. It makes me feel like I'm a diminishing priority in her life.

 

To her credit, she is a hell of a trooper. On any night that I really do want to go out, she will hop in the shower, dress, and make a go for it. But this is something that she will almost never do without me asking her to do it.

 

She is very sensitive and I think she can tell that I am disappointed but I don't want to hurt her feelings and make her feel like I don't appreciate her...because I do.

 

All I know is that I want to spend more time with her in the sack and less time on the Internet.

 

Honestly...am I just being a huge damn baby?

[hoping2heal]

Why were you dishonest with her?

 

You told her you didn't mind it, so what does she think? "Okay, he doesn't mind it."

 

You should have been honest with her and told her how you felt about it and you wouldn't be in this mess to begin with. You wouldn't have hurt her nearly as much as it will to hear your thoughts on this, having been told it was fine. You can't be doing that because it will begin to cause trust issues in the relationship after awhile. Tell the truth.

 

Maybe there is a happy compromise you two can reach. I'm sure there are ways for her to dress that are comfortable for her, but still feminine. At the same time - you need to understand that no, she isn't going to go into bombshell mode every day of the week. Getting married means taking the bad with the good. Accepting people the way they are and hopefully both making some small compromises towards a goal that would bring up satisfaction for both parties.

 

You need to tell her the truth. Even little white lies can and will hurt relationships.

[AlektraClementine]

What are some of the ways you try to look sexy/appealing for her at night?

 

Are these going unnoticed by her?

[Els]

What are some of the ways you try to look sexy/appealing for her at night?

 

Are these going unnoticed by her?

 

I agree. What are YOU doing to make her feel sexually/sensually aroused?

 

I am also curious how long you dated before you married. It's common for people to make less of an effort after some time, but usually if you wait a solid amount of time before marriage you should at least be able to see the 'real them' after the courtship phase wears out. Seems like this is 'the real her', and yes, it was unfair of her to only show you that now, after marriage.

 

But, I dunno about you, but if I was in a very physically demanding job, what she does would be EXACTLY what I would do after work. Some people are high-energy and can still hit the pub after a day of exertion, but for others, they just feel like collapsing after. Does she enjoy her job; has she ever considered the possibility of switching? Would you be willing to support the family financially while she does so, especially if her new job is less lucrative?

[xxoo]

First, do you have a laptop? In the evenings, I like the computer and H likes the tv--so I sit next to him with my laptop. That way we can do the things we each like and still be together and touch often.

 

Please understand, I don't expect my wife to put on lingerie or anything ridiculous like that, but huge billowy t-shirts and baggy pajama pants, thick glasses and wet, slicked-back hair is just not a good look - even for a woman who is a true looker like she is. She is affectionate and seems interested in sex at this time but honestly by this hour I am just tired and, her appearance at this point being closer to a young boy than a woman, I'm just not raring to go.

 

So, take off her jammies! I don't really get the jammies being a turn off, unless they are disgusting. You know what is under the jammies, so get under them! I've been with the same man for 20 years, and layers of warm winter jammies have never discouraged him from "exploring" the depths

 

Still, I agree with pp that you should be honest when it comes up--tell her how much you miss seeing her dressed up. Why not buy her some new jammies that are comfy AND sexy?

[sunshinegirl]

She constantly apologizes for it because she knows it is not "a good look" (her words), and I tell her that I don't mind because of the nature of her work, but honestly...it is starting to disappoint me.

 

That right there is your biggest problem. As other posters have commented, you need to tell her the truth on this, even if it does hurt a little bit.

 

My husband and I wrote our own wedding vows, one of them being that we each promised to "always be open and honest" with the other. Your situation would fall under that category for us: I would expect my husband to tell me if he really had a problem with my appearance, and in return I would be open to working out some kind of solution that worked for both of us.

[goingstrong]

Honestly...am I just being a huge damn baby?

 

Yes.

 

Plus you sound like the woman when you tell her

 

he constantly apologizes for it because she knows it is not "a good look" (her words), and I tell her that I don't mind because of the nature of her work, but honestly.. is starting to disappoint me.

 

and mean the exact opposite. Man up and tell her how you really feel. I agree about the gym and energy levels. Sometimes you just have to pull her with "whose with me" to the gym. It is your job to help carry your spouse at times....just do it.

Edited December 4, 2010 by goingstrong