noregretsmyass Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]I have to stop myself from making any drastic moves. Whatever I do, I must not be near my iPhone. Although at times, I want to desperately spill the beans to BS or BS family, xMM’s family, etc…. I don’t go there. I know that the only reason I want to at the time is because I’m hurting and well, I guess I want them all to hurt to. It’s selfish, I know. I never considered myself to be a selfish person until I became involved in an affair. I wish there was someone here at my side at all times to stone me when a thought of xMM creeps into my head. But there is not someone here like that for me, so I just try and tune those thoughts out, pick at my fingers, blast some music, eat chocolate covered raisins, etc. From now on, I’m not going to refer to him as xMM, he will be referred to as xCPOS (ex-coward-piece-of-sh*t.) [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]What do you do when you really want to act in a vengeful way, but you know it’s not the best idea?[/sIZE][/FONT]
desertIslandCactus Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 Pretend that you're keeping the sun shining in your face and look ahead to the blessings that God has for You. No need to look into the window of someone's marriage or to pick over their bones.. You are Free. Know that you are free and move forward accordingly. If you feel empty, try to rebuild your life with those things that will enhance your future.. Could be, exercise, extended schooling, projects, social groups, etc.
h44h Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 I struggle DAILY with the exact same feelings. I feel for you, dear! Try to keep busy, it helps a little.
h44h Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 Oh, and keep reading LS. I've only been here for a week+ but was at a very desperate/low point (ready to call my MM's wife) when I found this site. It's been so extremely helpful!!!! I even told my therapist about it.....frankly it's almost helped me more to read all these familar stories more than therapy!
East7 Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 Revenge is just a stage of the grieving process, it shall pass and you won't even care of taking revenge. Remember : Our happiness is our best revenge !
Breezy Trousers Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 Good advice here, everyone! I'm sorry you're hurting. Have faith that this is a stage and it, too, will pass. You will be in a better place. You're in the middle of the emotional storm right now, but we'll cover you! Maybe if you put a rubber band around your wrist and snap it everytime you think of MM. Something to snap you back into the present, where all is truly well ... and only getting better for you.
alexandria35 Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 lol at CPOS. Sounds like a medical condition. "Hello my name is Bob and I suffer with CPOS syndrome"
half_ofa_heart Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 Oh, and keep reading LS. I've only been here for a week+ but was at a very desperate/low point (ready to call my MM's wife) when I found this site. It's been so extremely helpful!!!! I even told my therapist about it.....frankly it's almost helped me more to read all these familar stories more than therapy! I could not agree more about LS. I happened to find this site by accident and for the first time in 18 months I have been able to stay in NC from my MM AND... feel damn good about it. Thanks to LS and all the wonderful people like you who give me the strength that I didn't think I had.
Joobi Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 (edited) I want to tell you that you are not alone at all in feeling this way. There have been times when I deperately wanted to hurt my exMM. Mostly, like you say, because I was in so much pain and I felt like he wasn't at all. I just wanted to lash out. One of the main reasons I felt that way is because he repeatedly said that he had no regrets over what had happened. I found that to be so offensive because of all the pain that was caused (not only to me) that I actually felt like punching him. I am ashamed to admit that I have wished that he would go through what I did so that he could understand. But, as other posters have said, I think as well that thoughts of revenge are a normal part of the grieving process, and while we probably all feel ashamed of our desire to wreck the lives of others, I think that we have to allow ourselves to feel these feelings (and ofc try really hard not to act on them) so that we can come out the other side stronger people. And as for what I do, well I just let the feelings come. I write him a letter (I don't send it), I fantasize about my revenge, I post on a forum of a really helpful website like this one, or I do some exercise. Chocolate sounds good too though . Good luck! Edited December 4, 2010 by Joobi
spice4life Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 (edited) I want to tell you that you are not alone at all in feeling this way. There have been times when I deperately wanted to hurt my exMM. Mostly, like you say, because I was in so much pain and I felt like he wasn't at all. I just wanted to lash out. One of the main reasons I felt that way is because he repeatedly said that he had no regrets over what had happened. I found that to be so offensive because of all the pain that was caused (not only to me) that I actually felt like punching him. I am ashamed to admit that I have wished that he would go through what I did so that he could understand. But, as other posters have said, I think as well that thoughts of revenge are a normal part of the grieving process, and while we probably all feel ashamed of our desire to wreck the lives of others, I think that we have to allow ourselves to feel these feelings (and ofc try really hard not to act on them) so that we can come out the other side stronger people. And as for what I do, well I just let the feelings come. I write him a letter (I don't send it), I fantasize about my revenge, I post on a forum of a really helpful website like this one, or I do some exercise. Chocolate sounds good too though . Good luck! Excellent post! I thought I was finally getting past it all and even felt forgiveness but now ifeel a lot of anger. I think it is my last surge of emotion before finally letting go period. I know exactly what you mean about hearing "no regrets" and stuff like that - it is offensive! I feel the same. Thanks for posting this! LS is a great place. I thought I was further along but after reading here I found there was a lot more I needed to learn! Sorry OP for threadjackiing. This post makes a ton of sense. Edited December 4, 2010 by spice4life
SunsetRed Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 LOL, I love it!! Coward Peice of **** is the perfect name for my xMM. Calling him an xMM gives him dignity and takes away mine. He lied to me about his marital status and his intentions. CPOS is exactly what my guy is. On Aug 28 he told me "some women have been the right woman for that time but you are the right woman forever and I'm old enough to know what I've got and to hang on to it." By Sept 5, he said he was "unexpectedly" approached by the soon to be x wife and that she told him they'd lose the house if he didn't stop the divorce proceedings and move back home immediately. He's lived apart from her for 3 years, but back he went, tossing me to the curb. I am trying so hard to go through the motions of moving on with my life. I am trying to NOT wish for/wait for his marriage to crumple and for the wife to throw him out again, lol, although she'd have to get a JOB for that to happen. I need to focus on me, but its hard because I'm 42 and 45 and 50 are glaring at me and he may have been the last train to pass through this station. Thank God for this site. I found LS when we first broke up and I was googling "dating a separated man." I found posts from women dating back to 2008. The posts ae now 2 years old, but the stories are all the same. I wonder where those women are now. I wish they'd come back and tell us how great their lives turned out
thomasb Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 So because he loved his wife and isn't leaving her for you.., he is now a coward. Sorry, but in my books that makes him anything but. It makes him an upstanding, moral human. Who has know finally decided to do the right thing.
blueroses10 Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 Pretend that you're keeping the sun shining in your face and look ahead to the blessings that God has for You. No need to look into the window of someone's marriage or to pick over their bones.. You are Free. Know that you are free and move forward accordingly. If you feel empty, try to rebuild your life with those things that will enhance your future.. Could be, exercise, extended schooling, projects, social groups, etc. Nicely stated.
steelknife Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 i plot my revenge. and truly act on it. till im satisfied. in my mind. in real life though, i wouldnt dream of hurting anyone the way my vengeful mind wants to. because it is very painful and pain has been inflicted on us, mostly by our own doing, that we want to inflict same on that person. but the most beautiful revenge is when you can walk away and be free from all this. being in this relationship has a lot of reason. and ending it or staying wid the BS, also comes with its own reason. good luck to all of us. like all good times, bad times will also end, hang in there.
bentnotbroken Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 i plot my revenge. and truly act on it. till im satisfied. in my mind. in real life though, i wouldnt dream of hurting anyone the way my vengeful mind wants to. because it is very painful and pain has been inflicted on us, mostly by our own doing, that we want to inflict same on that person. but the most beautiful revenge is when you can walk away and be free from all this. being in this relationship has a lot of reason. and ending it or staying wid the BS, also comes with its own reason. good luck to all of us. like all good times, bad times will also end, hang in there. Plotting revenge in one's mind....:laugh:I remember those days well. They weren't pretty I had to let those go for my own sanity.
endlessness Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 he told me "some women have been the right woman for that time but you are the right woman forever and I'm old enough to know what I've got and to hang on to it." "I've been looking for you my entire life. I will keep you in my life forever," proclaimed my xMM. Haven't heard from him in two months. Forever in their world is clearly contingent on surrounding circumstances and their emotional state at the time. We saw something beautiful and we grabbed on to it. Unfortunately, it was just a piece of poo disguised as a diamond. As... embarrassing as that is, at least we acknowledged this fact, which is the first and the most significant step forward.
SunsetRed Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 ThomasB, if these men "loved their wives" they'd be faithful to them. Most of our MM's have been with many other women while still married to their wives. They lie to all of us and give each of us a different story of what's going on. Most of these guys love themselves more than they love anyone. That's why when their wallet starts to suffer, they'll go the woman where it costs them the least. With the MM, all he cares about is what's good for him at the moment. Mine will be back when his wife throws him out or he needs sex, but he'll never come back because he loves and values me. (note to self, remember this)
Author noregretsmyass Posted December 5, 2010 Author Posted December 5, 2010 Wow... thank you all. Wonderful pieces of advice. I try to analyze why I let myself get into this situation. At first, it was all lies that I fell for. Then when the truth came out, I was already sucked in, and well in love with him. I should have left then and there and never looked back. But something in me, the part of me that has never felt "loved enough" thought that if this man could go above and beyond, and leave his marriage for me, that will show me how much I'm worth. I have a painful and abusive relationship past, beginning from childhood. So I'm wondering what the stories of OW here are? My xCPOS is a coward because he could never face the truth about anything. He rather just busy himself to the extreme so he never face a night alone to think about what has happened. They are not in MC, they put on a facade of a normal M, and go on as if nothing happened. I never happened. But to the day that I finally had enough and said I needed out of this completely, he swore on his life that he never loved anyone like he loved me, that he is not in love with his wife, that he will stay out of guilt for what he's done and his teenage son (who is not hers). He told me this cheesy line "I dont want to say goodbye" so "I'll see you later." He also said that in time he knows he will leave, that it cant be now, but sometime in the future. He said he understood that I cant wait. He said he was concerned that if he were to leave at some future point, I would already be happy and his chance with me would be gone. Holy crap!! LINES, LIES, LINES!!! I know I let myself be manipulated and that is the hardest thing for me to accept. I fee complete guilt for his BW. I do. My post is getting all over the place now. So I'm going to stop writing. Thanks for listening.
scatterd Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 I have a different way of thinking about telling the wife I think if the OW did, these men might think twice about doing it.I'm a wife and I don't care what the circumstance's are if my husband cheats with someone I want to know that way I can have my choose of leaving or staying.Allot of times the wifes suspects something is going on but without proof what can they do.Everybody thinks they should not hurt the wifes by telling but they have already been hurt by all the lies and such just as the OW.
Author noregretsmyass Posted December 5, 2010 Author Posted December 5, 2010 ThomasB, if these men "loved their wives" they'd be faithful to them. Most of our MM's have been with many other women while still married to their wives. They lie to all of us and give each of us a different story of what's going on. Most of these guys love themselves more than they love anyone. That's why when their wallet starts to suffer, they'll go the woman where it costs them the least. With the MM, all he cares about is what's good for him at the moment. Mine will be back when his wife throws him out or he needs sex, but he'll never come back because he loves and values me. (note to self, remember this) So true Sunset!! I needed to hear this. Thanks for posting this!
Summer Breeze Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 I have a different way of thinking about telling the wife I think if the OW did, these men might think twice about doing it.I'm a wife and I don't care what the circumstance's are if my husband cheats with someone I want to know that way I can have my choose of leaving or staying.Allot of times the wifes suspects something is going on but without proof what can they do.Everybody thinks they should not hurt the wifes by telling but they have already been hurt by all the lies and such just as the OW. I never wanted revenge because when Ddays rolled around I spoke honestly to his W. I told her what happened, showed her emails, answered any question she asked honestly. I told him I would and I did. If he wanted to lie that was his choice. If she wanted to stay with him after hearing the truth that was her choice. She did, several times. I was honest because it was the right thing to do and in doing it I had nothing to use for revenge even if I'd wanted to.
thomasb Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 ThomasB, if these men "loved their wives" they'd be faithful to them. Most of our MM's have been with many other women while still married to their wives. They lie to all of us and give each of us a different story of what's going on. Most of these guys love themselves more than they love anyone. That's why when their wallet starts to suffer, they'll go the woman where it costs them the least. With the MM, all he cares about is what's good for him at the moment. Mine will be back when his wife throws him out or he needs sex, but he'll never come back because he loves and values me. (note to self, remember this) Untrue. I loved my wife with all my heart. And cheated. And staying with her hadn't thing one to do with my wallet. I never would have wanted to be with OW.
Figuring Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 My situation is a little different in that I was a MOW and when xMM Dday occurred mine did not. For me revenge is not plausible unless I want that to be how H finds out, at some point I may tell my H myself if I decide to stay or plan to never tell if I decide this marriage is not right for me, by then I'm hoping the desire for revenge is gone. I know xMM had multiple affairs (including one on me during our 2.5yr relationship which I have sole access to the email account he used for it, how badly have I wanted to send out the password to his wife!) and that his wife only knows just the tip of the iceberg of ours and ours alone, since DDay he was constantly posting on twitter all of the wonderful things they are doing together and until I forced myself to stop reading them the thought of, "if she only knew" was killing me, and still when I think of it I want to tell all. When I feel like I want revenge I have to force myself to think that it was my path and I have no choice but to forgive xMM for not being who I needed him to be. It frees me from the entanglement to acknowledge that he was never going to be the man I would have needed him to be for us to truly be together but that I cannot manipulate his life I have to forgive him otherwise the resentment and anger would eat me alive.
bentnotbroken Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 My situation is a little different in that I was a MOW and when xMM Dday occurred mine did not. For me revenge is not plausible unless I want that to be how H finds out, at some point I may tell my H myself if I decide to stay or plan to never tell if I decide this marriage is not right for me, by then I'm hoping the desire for revenge is gone. I know xMM had multiple affairs (including one on me during our 2.5yr relationship which I have sole access to the email account he used for it, how badly have I wanted to send out the password to his wife!) and that his wife only knows just the tip of the iceberg of ours and ours alone, since DDay he was constantly posting on twitter all of the wonderful things they are doing together and until I forced myself to stop reading them the thought of, "if she only knew" was killing me, and still when I think of it I want to tell all. When I feel like I want revenge I have to force myself to think that it was my path and I have no choice but to forgive xMM for not being who I needed him to be. It frees me from the entanglement to acknowledge that he was never going to be the man I would have needed him to be for us to truly be together but that I cannot manipulate his life I have to forgive him otherwise the resentment and anger would eat me alive. Your situation appears a bit different. How do you want to get revenge on someone who is doing the exact same thing as you...keeping a spouse in the dark regardless of the lies told around that betrayal?
Dexter Morgan Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 I have to stop myself from making any drastic moves. Whatever I do, I must not be near my iPhone. Although at times, I want to desperately spill the beans to BS or BS family, xMM’s family, etc…. I don’t go there. I know that the only reason I want to at the time is because I’m hurting and well, I guess I want them all to hurt to. why? you are already hurting them whether they know or not? what kind of person wants to hurt someone that has done nothing wrong?
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