hART Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 Hi! Would any of you ever date a bipolar, assuming they are being treated and are mostly stable? Do any of you have experience with mental illnesses, either personal or in a partner? It seems like this complicates every relationship I've had in some way and it is really frustrating. Thanks!
alphamale Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 yea i dated two manic depressive chicks, they were both incredible in the sack
worlybear Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 Hi! Would any of you ever date a bipolar, assuming they are being treated and are mostly stable? Do any of you have experience with mental illnesses, either personal or in a partner? It seems like this complicates every relationship I've had in some way and it is really frustrating. Thanks! In my experience (with my adult son) you should not assume that people with bi-polar continue to be treated(medicated?) on a regular basis. I found that he would take the meds initially and then because he felt better, would decide that he was "cured." and would then stop taking them. He would then spiral with terrific highs and troughs. It's a very difficult condition to live with, both for the sufferer and the family and can be very exhausting emotionally. If you have a relationship with someone with bi-polar, be ready for the long haul. My son is attractive,intelligent, charming and witty- and hides his condition well, most of the time, but any slight emotional pressure can set off a Dr.Jekyll/Mr.Hyde pesonality. In this state he has been arrested for hitting his brothers and called me names which still turn my stomach to remember (I drove 50 miles to pick him up at 3am one morning). He claims to remember none of this when he is taking his meds- so just be aware of what you're taking on!
Cee Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 Bipolar disorder is a major mental illness, which I've had for 17 years. I have the most classic form (Bipolar I), which is the dramatic highs and lows. When I get sick, it's really bad. I stop my meds, get psychotic, do crazy sh*t, and get locked up. Then I get better with meds and then I'm completely normal. No boyfriend ever dumped me for an episode (I've had 5 major episodes in 17 years), but I have been mean and abusive to them. One thing I should add is that bipolar is correlated with addiction. About 60-70% of bipolars have an addiction issue. That could cause problems. Also, a high percentage of bipolars (about 25%) attempt suicide. I never have, but it's common. Keep talking to your girlfriend and maybe make agreements in advance about what to do in an episode. She should link you to her family. My boyfriends consulted with my mother and sister whenever I got sick.
Author hART Posted December 4, 2010 Author Posted December 4, 2010 I should have mentioned I asked, because I'm bipolar and ALWAYS take my meds. I want to understand how this condition effects relationships and how to combat this. Sure, I stopped taking them, but the two times I did I ended up hospitalized again. Even being undermedicated almost landed me in the hospital. Or overmedicated landed me there three different times. Yes, we can hide it pretty well, but my irritability or moodiness drives men away. I don't get violent or throw things anymore since I started meds. I also space out what I said/did in the manic mind state. I journal regularly, so I have trouble going back and reading what my thoughts were in that state, but it helps me remember and gives validation for the diagnosis and treament. I feel terrible for how I treated my loved ones while manic. My thoughts were so chaotic and actions so erratic, I hated feeling that out of control. You and your son have my sympathies, hopefully he will go back to taking his meds. How long has he been diagnosed?
Author hART Posted December 4, 2010 Author Posted December 4, 2010 I have bipolar 1 too, but wasn't diagnosed till a little over 2 years ago. I was lucky enough to have a mother who was a clinician and an ex who knows psychology, they could sense when I am off balance. I admit I have become abusive and moody when sick too, the guilt from that will haunt me forever :-( I'm finding it is hard to accept and am afraid of rejection more than ever.
tinktronik Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 My spouse is diagnosed as bi-polar. Before he was diagnosed he was pretty normal most of the time. There was at first some small oddities and then suddenly and unexplainably at 40 he went off the rails, it was very noticeable and alarming. He attempted suicide twice before his meds were properly dosed and we found what worked for him. This period of time was torture. It took a couple of years to get the right meds, and the right outlook. Now that he is properly medicated he's just like normal, a joy to be around and of great addition to my life and those around him. He did not have any major emotional issues beforehand that were not directly attributed to periods of manic or depressive behavior before I met him. He was not a drug abuser. He only ever drank when he was manic and had no desire outside of that time to consume alcohol. He was never violent. We as a couple have arrangements set up in the event his meds stop working or should he decide to stop taking them. The only issue that remains in question while medicated is his ability to financially manage money and so we have firm arrangements regarding that. It is possibly slightly more work to be in a relationship with a person diagnosed as mentally ill, but each relationship has its good points and bad.
Author hART Posted December 4, 2010 Author Posted December 4, 2010 My spouse is diagnosed as bi-polar. Before he was diagnosed he was pretty normal most of the time. There was at first some small oddities and then suddenly and unexplainably at 40 he went off the rails, it was very noticeable and alarming. He attempted suicide twice before his meds were properly dosed and we found what worked for him. This period of time was torture. It took a couple of years to get the right meds, and the right outlook. Now that he is properly medicated he's just like normal, a joy to be around and of great addition to my life and those around him. He did not have any major emotional issues beforehand that were not directly attributed to periods of manic or depressive behavior before I met him. He was not a drug abuser. He only ever drank when he was manic and had no desire outside of that time to consume alcohol. He was never violent. We as a couple have arrangements set up in the event his meds stop working or should he decide to stop taking them. The only issue that remains in question while medicated is his ability to financially manage money and so we have firm arrangements regarding that. It is possibly slightly more work to be in a relationship with a person diagnosed as mentally ill, but each relationship has its good points and bad. It is so uplifting to hear how you stuck with him and understand the difference between him and his illness.
tinktronik Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 It is so uplifting to hear how you stuck with him and understand the difference between him and his illness. I think it's important to really get to know any person you are romantically involved with, so that you can distinguish what is normal behavior and abnormal behavior for them. Everyone has peculiarities mirroring mental illness on some spectrum and can act rational versus irrational in so many areas of their lives. You will eventually meet someone who sees you for the special person you are and hopefully has the skills it takes to separate the two factors that can divide you.
alphamale Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 Everyone has peculiarities mirroring mental illness on some spectrum and can act rational versus irrational in so many areas of their lives. indeed tink
Author hART Posted December 7, 2010 Author Posted December 7, 2010 Thanks everyone! Maybe once I sort it out, I'll be ready for someone who is forgiving of my faults.
tinktronik Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 Thanks everyone! Maybe once I sort it out, I'll be ready for someone who is forgiving of my faults. You will. Just take your time and work on where you want to be. I'm glad to hear you are taking your meds and hope you get fantastic care.
Feelin Frisky Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 I think everyone has the potential to be "off" at one time or another in their lives so I'm not going to brand myself or anyone else with "mental illness"--unless.......they really really deserve it. And my ex really really deserves the label of "borderline personality disorder". She didn't know what it was--I didn't know what it was. All I know is that it made it impossible to be happy with her because she wasn't one person. And each little schism was in some part a denial of something one of her personalities had done wrong. So, suffice it to say that no matter what, anything that ever went wrong was someone else's fault (even when it was her's, it wasn't her's, it was whomever one of her iterations was with). She was a super lay. Other than that, a rose of such thorns it was impossible to hold her. Wish I could have known--the price was so big and bad I can't tell you.
Author hART Posted December 7, 2010 Author Posted December 7, 2010 tinktronik: :-), yea, once I got over my distrust of doctors and began liking the calmness in my own head, I take them religiously. Feeling_frisky: Borderline is a love/hate attachment issue. She might have dissociative indentity disorder or multiple personality disorder. It is usually caused by severe trauma in childhood while the personality is still developing. The child uses the other personality to do things the core personality wouldn't do, then forgets what happens. It has to be treated with therapy to get at the core issue and help find the core personality. Sorry that happened to you. I can't imagine any of my exe's enjoyed being around me, before I got help.
angelboots Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 My ex fiancée has Bipolar 1, he was the most beautiful partner i have had.. we were together for four years and only broke up because i wanted to attend University and he had children locally and i didn't want to make him choose between me and them. He only had a big breakdown after we broke up and was pretty nasty for a while but we both broke 14 months of no contact yesterday and it was nice, i couldn't forgive him for the things he did after the break up (he ran off with my at the time best friend/cousins WIFE and started using IV drugs) but it was good to hear he was clean and happy and doing well. I still "love him" and think he is a beautiful man inside and out. He was always very very strict with hes meds and therapy so i think that makes all the difference. My current ex has BPD.. i will NEVER date a BPD man EVER AGAIN. By the time we broke up two months ago, my self esteem and ability to know what way is up is COMPLETELY off kilter.. I feel emotionally DEPLETED and like i have been stripped of any "self awareness" i had before the relationship. Hes way of swinging from love/hate/love/hate blame, denial, it really was like i was dating two different people. He would swing from being totally and completely devoted and supportive.. to then being so full of venom and unfounded cruelty.. or sometimes just absolutely cold.. like i was a stranger at a bus station.. then come back as though nothing had happened or begging for my love back. I would probably judge each case in its own merit, but on a whole no, i wouldn't date someone with a chronic mental health illness again.. just because i know i take things too personally and it leaves me damaged as a result. I have a special needs daughter, i need to be as strong as I can for her and myself and it would be unfair of me to think i could support someone else and also unfair towards them also, to make them feel like i walked out when they needed me the most.
Author hART Posted December 10, 2010 Author Posted December 10, 2010 Your bipolar ex sounds like he behaved like that due to illness. I can be very impulsive under stress too, but I always chose alcohol. You have probably been told a thousand times not to blame his behavior on yourself. Being proactive about treatment for mental illness is the key to success. It is good for you to realize your limitations on people with chronic mental illness, especially with your daughter. I remember your post about your BPD ex, my heart goes out to you! I was seeing this guy who had just gotten out of a relationship with a BPD woman who hurt him every way possible (lied, cheated...), he was scared of dating another mentally ill chick, even though the two illnesses, despite similarities, are not the same. You did what you had to do to stay strong for yourself and your child, if they love you they will respect that. Honestly, I wish no one had to see me like that.
carhill Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 Would any of you ever date a bipolar, assuming they are being treated and are mostly stable? I might date them, but I'd be very careful about marrying a medicated bi-polar Do any of you have experience with mental illnesses, either personal or in a partner? Yes, my mother had paraphrenic dementia with audio-visual hallucinations and I cared for her for about eight years. My best friend's wife is a medicated type 1 bi-polar. We're quite close and when her meds are off and she's manic, her behaviors can become inappropriate, if you know what I mean. Also, wildly swinging moods/thoughts/actions leave me exhausted. Great friend but a handful. Since I was trained to care for a psychotic patient by the team who dx'ed my mom, I'm comfortable with the mentally ill, but I don't think I'd have much luck in an intimate relationship with such a person. Too draining on my personality style.
Vesna Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 I should have read both of your posts regarding MI. We have something in common here and I could be wrong but we have an attraction towards the moody, mysterious and marvellous world of mental instability. I have a history of severe depression, PMDD and IV drug use as well as now being an alcoholic. Even the so-called stable men I have met are messed up. I just cannot get it right so I choose to stay single. It has been five years since I have loved someone but I am not ready to let anyone in. I really cannot trust my own judgement, especially when I am needy, and I am very suspicious of men who are 'stable'. Are they really? So many people are on their best behaviour when they first hook up with someone and are vigilant about it for as long as their constitution can handle it - until the other slipper drops. Perhaps you could stay single and get your bearings back. For the record my father was mentally ill and terminated his anguish with a rifle - I was 14. You have a child to consider.
Author hART Posted December 11, 2010 Author Posted December 11, 2010 Carhill: Men don't seem to mind dating me, but much like any relationship they get frightened when it becomes too serious. I can understand how draining a MI person is, because my first boyfriend got so depressed after his parents passed on. I loved him, but it was so hard to tell him not to kill himself regularly. He didn't want to go for treatment or anything. Sorry your mom is afflicted too, it must be difficult to see her go through that. Bipolar 1 is a tricky thing to manage...
carhill Posted December 11, 2010 Posted December 11, 2010 Mom passed a couple months ago so is mercifully free of that scourge. Maybe someday the LS'er who happened to call me the day she died will share how I handled her death. It would be nice to hear it from a neutral party. It took a lot of counseling to teach me how to process mental illness in a healthy way. I will forever wonder, based on assertions by my exW, if my mom's illness didn't kill our M too. So, that's another strike against MI in a dating situation for myself. Compared to what my mom had, Bi-polar is a cake-walk. If you've ever managed/cared for a paranoid schizophrenic, that would be pretty close. If you're familiar with olanzapine, quetiapine and resperidone, those were all drugs I managed, and sometimes used myself, just to stay in this world. I'll be honest with you; it's not the MI which really bothers me. It's the 'switches'. I don't know whom I really love and where that person will be in the next ten seconds. She could be with me or gone for the day/week/month. Experience has taught me it's an inheriently unstable dynamic. Some people might be immune to that instability; I'm too sensitive to environment and circumstance to feel healthy in that dynamic. Perhaps that's anomalous. I have the tools (intellect) but my emotional makeup is incompatible. Other men's 'reasons' will be unique to them.
Author hART Posted December 11, 2010 Author Posted December 11, 2010 I'm sorry about your loss, after watching my exe's reaction to his mother's passing, it seemed almost impossible :-(. Quetiapine, or Seroquel XR, is what I'm on. When I read the giant and scientific "pamphlet" that comes with it, it says it isn't effective for dymentia, so how do they treat it? I have had paranoia, delusions, and hallucinations. It is terrifying to experience 1st hand and I wasn't aware or was in denial of what was going on (ie this is "normal", those voices are just thoughts, these beliefs are real and no one can convince me otherwise...). I got misdiagnosed as paranoid schizophrenic once, I was so upset I wasn't simply bipolar, so comparatively, I was relieved with the 2nd diagnosis (bipolar 1 or nos). It is good to understand yourself and know it isn't something you can deal with on an intimate level. Each person is different, even people on acceptable sanity levels. I'm a sensitive artist type myself, so moods get to me. Depression doesn't bother me, as long as the individual is getting help and isn't suicidal. I don't disappear, unless it is for school. After reading so much about the abject and the "other", the whole idea of being labeled as "insane" "mentally ill" "psychotic" "crazy", being lumped in with violent psychopaths and rapists, irritates me. At the same time, it makes me more tolerant of different lifestyle choices, other people rudely stereotyped or outcasted against their will. You probably know this and more through experience. I have never cared for any paranoid schizophrenics, but from what I experienced they are probably more freaked out than you are. *hugs*
carhill Posted December 11, 2010 Posted December 11, 2010 The atypicals were dx'd to handle the hallucinations, which were far beyond what most people know to be 'normal' for dementia and Alzheimer's. If you watched 'A Beautiful Mind', that's what I dealt with every day in some form or another. Because the reaction to the hallucinations was often violent, the drugs were primarily to protect self or others from harm. My primary transitory psychosis resulted from sleep deprivation, aka 'caregiver crazy'. I did a lot of stupid things as a result, including looking up an old love and starting an EA. That old love, I came to find out much later into the affair, had been dx'd Type 1 herself and had been taking meds for a number of years during the 14 or so years we didn't have contact. When she stopped taking her meds was when I started to see the unstable behaviors I alluded to prior and that was when I came to see how, even when one loves someone, one has to protect their own health. Like I said, some men are fine with that stuff; I'm just not. When I finally discontinued with her, the knot in the pit of my stomach went away, very similar to when I finally placed my mother in institutional care. Another man might 'feel' differently so not have such a reaction, making him a more compatible partner. At my age, having been accepting of and loving such a range of persons and personalities for decades, it's finally time to get some peace and go with what that experience says is healthy. I'm sure the women I've approached and/or dated while being separated and now divorced and who have rejected me out of hand have likely come to the same conclusions. Don't waste time on what is incompatible. Life goes on
Wink Tobasco Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 frankly, I would certainly take a BP woman to bed, but not have a real relationship. I've found dealing with BP people is like walking on eggshells, a constant battle not to set them off. I've only known a couple and they weren't on meds. Harshly enough, in the old days a BP (we called them other names then) male, would learn to control himself because he was frequently beaten up when he started going off on people. Not a cure, but it was a control. No one wants to be bet up. I'm not saying that was right, just saying that's how it was.
Author hART Posted December 13, 2010 Author Posted December 13, 2010 With the exception of tinktronik, talking to medicated bipolars gave me a much more optimistic view. Carhill, if it is traumatic for you, it is good you got away from her. Thank you, it must have been hard to talk about. Wink tobasco-meds make a huge difference, I'm no more likely to "go off" on anyone than "sane" people. In fact, I tend to hold it in way too long, so I have to be in relationships where a man is constantly communicating with me. Sure, I might get frustrated or even walk away, but it gets much worse if the problem continues to persist.
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