Why does my ex girlfriend wish to remain friends?

[HolidayHawk]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]The background: We dated seriously for 2 years. After we mutually broke up, we dated off and on for a year. Late last spring, we decided to cut ties for good. She said I wasn’t supportive, caring, or committed enough. When she began dating someone, I realized I’d taken her for granted, that I actually did love her, and decided I wanted her back. My wooing obviously didn’t work, as she was happy with the new guy and was still hurt by the way things ended between us. I understood her rational – I blew it; he made her happy. [/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]She’s been single since August. Shortly after her breakup with the new guy, we resumed contact. Knowing the frailty of the situation, I refrained from gallantly trying to win her back. My smoothness lasted 3 weeks before I told her that I still had feelings for her, loved her, wanted her back, had realized I took her for granted, etc. She responded that she didn’t want to get back together, that, if anything, she only wanted to be friends, and that we shouldn’t see each other at all for a while. [/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Listening to her advice, I waited a few weeks before contacting her. I contacted her about two months ago. Since then, we’ve communicated either by phone or face-to-face at least once a day. [/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]The now: Since reconnecting, we’ve created a better friendship than we had while dating. We’ve watched movies together, we’ve hung out at her place, we’ve met for dinner, and so on. Further, over the past two months I’ve become more of a help to her than ever – when I’m over I wash dishes, I’ve helped her move heavy objects, I co-hosted a party of hers, and so on. (Note: I hardly did any of those things when we dated.) Also, since reconnecting, I haven’t brought up getting back together. For her part, she’s indicated that she doesn’t want our relationship to go beyond friendship. That said, we've spent a lot of time together during the past two months and have had many meaningful conversations. [/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]The questions: We weren’t exactly good friends when we dated. What’s in it for her to just be friends now? She has a close knit group of friends already. And she doesn’t need me for help around the house – she could easily snatch up another boyfriend who would help her. Is this a “trial period” in which I’m auditioning to be her boyfriend again? I don’t mind if it is, but I would like to know if I have a shot. Is she afraid it’s all a ruse: Is she afraid that I’ll stop being caring, supportive, and helpful if we start dating again? Ladies, gentlemen: does any of this make sense? [/sIZE][/FONT]

[humanracer25]

I think when girls split from their partners they want to be friends because they actually like you and still want you to be part of their lives. Just because they are no longer attracted to you in a romantic sense, does not mean that they stop liking you. Think about it, they have spent a long time with you and know you inside out so why would they stop liking you?

 

HOWEVER, I can understand that it is difficult if you still have feelings for her because it makes it hard to remain just friends with someone that you still love. That is why I suggest that you tell her that you would rather break off contact for a while until you get over her. I think she should understand that.

 

When I split with my ex, I didn't mind being freinds because we both stopped liking each other romantically so there was no pain involved. A lot of people find my situation odd but there you go..

[carhill]

What’s in it for her to just be friends now?

You've described it. Help, validation, familiarity, care.

 

Now describe what kind of friend she's being to you. Better yet, tell her about the ladies you're dating or ask her to stop by and cook up one of her famous dinners. Then, you'll really get to see where the balance lies.

 

I'll opine you're filler material, easing the transition from your former intimate state to the next man after her rebound man. Once he arrives, she'll lose you like you don't exist. Bing, boom bang. No feelings, no remorse. Convenient.

 

What actions do you see her performing to prove my cynical, yet tested in the furnace of life, perspective invalid? How do you describe a true and constant friend *of yours*?

 

BTW, IMO, fugetabout ever getting back with her romantically. You sound young and it ain't gonna happen. She's already been through one other guy and the pattern of the new and different is her path for now.

[hearttobreak]

I offer it to all my ex gfs. Only the last one did not take me up on it. Guess she's still bitter I broke it off.

[musemaj11]

Whats funny is that the one who breaks it off is usually the one who asks to remain friends.

[carhill]

It's called assuaging guilt and preserving ego.

 

Oh, OP, apologies, welcome to LS

[BobSacamento]

I think it has to do with having a sense of control. When you have a clean break the other person goes off and they are completely out of your hands. When you are still friends it gives you the opportunity to have some influence in their lives.

 

There is also a monitoring element involved. You get to keep tabs on what their doing and who they are seeing, giving your much needed criticism. Honestly, it's kind of sick.

[carhill]

Hey, my exW, during MC, said we should be friends if we divorced.

 

During mediation, she said she'd share her lottery winnings with me, you know, because we're friends.

 

Do I sound a bit cynical? There's a reason why

[SmileFace]

It's called assuaging guilt and preserving ego.

 

Oh, OP, apologies, welcome to LS

This!!

 

Unless you are your ex were friends before a relationship. This is the only reason.

 

Not that I am saying anything is wrong with "this".