Lost trust should I give him another chance?

[mindfree1]

Problem: I need advice. I don’t trust my boyfriend because I caught him lying. I know everyone makes mistakes, but what’s the difference between him making a mistake and these lies being proof of his true character? I feel that I’m too invested in this situation to make a choice. I feel so close that I can’t see straight. I have tried to at least mention the most important facts. We have been together for a year and eight months. This is our second time around. We dated when we were freshmen’s in college. It was long distance.

Background: My boyfriend and I have a good relationship. He supports me and we talk about everything (so I thought). We love each other and have fun together. We both entered into the relationship without friends of the opposite sex. When we first got together I asked him, “Do you communicate with any women or have any female friends?” He said, “No I don’t have any female friends.” So we agreed that we would inform each other if we had to spend time with someone of the opposite sex. We both agreed that if we have a friend that is a hidden friend then that is cheating. When we started this relationship we decided on the “rules.” We both ask questions—kind of like relationship maintenance. So one morning I asked him, “Babe, do you have any female friends? Any women that you want or need to communicate with that I should know about?” He kept saying no. He always says no. He said, “I talk to my sister, my boss, and my mother. No babe I’m not friends or talking to anyone.” Ok, I was satisfied because I trust what comes out of his mouth. Then later that

I was having a casual conversation with my bf’s mother. I don’t know how it came out but she told me, “Yeah, some girl was coming to his window with a flash light and basically stalking him and he had to threaten her with calling the police.” So naturally I asked her did this happen while we were together? And she naturally said, “No, this was a while ago.” And I sensed that she was lying because she stuttered. At first I believed her because I was naïve to think he would have told me that.

The Proof: This info made me curious so I looked through his phone. I was shocked!! There were messages from a girl stating, “Don’t tell me you are thinking about marrying her?” This number was not programmed in his phone. There was a message to a girl saying, “This is BJ the guy in the green car (which is my car) seeing you made my day.” Then this same girl sent him a couple of pictures. He also talked to this girl at like 3 in the morning. I called this girl and asked her and she said, “he’s not trying to talk to me like that.” But looking at the date all these messages were within two weeks. He got caught before anything happened. I saw other texts to girls and it made me mad because we are planning to go into business together but he is talking about our plans and making plans with other women. If we are business partners why would you try to do these things behind my back? I felt like if you came across a good opportunity that a new female can provide then tell me but to keep it a secret makes me feel as though you had negative motives. So I feel betrayed as his girlfriend and as his future business partner and as his friend because he lied and withheld information

The Confrontation: He said that he was sorry and that he was acting outside of his normal character. He didn’t mean anything he said to the girls. He was only saying stuff to get whatever opportunity he felt might be available (his reason worries me). If it is strictly business then why would a girl send him pictures? I asked him about the number that wasn’t programmed into his phone and he said it was a friend named Tiffany he texted her to buy pot from her sister. And that he had never slept with her

Shocker!! We rented a bunch of movies to watch for the holiday. It’s like 5 or 6 in the morning and we here a knock on the window. So he grabs a bat and goes out back to check it out. I was kind of freaked out because the window is open so if it is a crazy person they could get in easily if they wanted. He doesn’t come right back so I yell, “Bj what is it?” I hear a female voice say, “The other girl he is f******.” I go outside and he is yelling at her to leave. He calls the police. But I want to hear what she has to say and he goes, “You can talk to this crazy girl if you want to.” She leaves before the police arrives. I’m angry and go to my car and she left a note stating, “Bj and I have been sleeping together since before you two hooked up and off and on since. I’ve showed up twice at the house while you were there. He told me he would keep calling me even if I refused his. Call if you have anymore questions.” I go back into the house and look at his phone and she is the unprogrammed number. I confront him for the second time in 24 hours. He confesses to having a sexual relationship with her before him and I hooked up. He also lied about her name. He claims that she is crazy and he doesn’t know why she came to his house. I asked him did she come before. He said yes she did this before 7 months ago. So this did not add up to me you mean to tell me that you contacted a “stalker” to get pot and risked setting her off again. If she did this 7 months ago for no reason at all why would you contact her now for pot? He said she is crazy I don’t know why she did this. It didn’t make since to me that a woman would stalk a man if she had not been with him in 1 year and 8 months.

Help! I don’t let people mistreat me. And I thought I had a good relationship. My boyfriend and I spend a lot of time together and he is affectionate and attentive. We were in a serious committed relationship. It hurts to find out that you don’t have the relationship that you thought you had. This happened two weeks ago. He has been saying that he is sorry for lying but he didn’t cheat and hasn’t cheated. He is saying that he still wants the life we have planned—marriage and going into business together. You know all the things people say when they mess up and want a second chance. I chose not to call the girl because what more do I need to hear? This is my first adult committed relationship. So I don’t want to just leave this relationship if it’s a mistake that can be fixed. In my past I usually cut people from my life that do my wrong. I’m good at dating but now this is a lot harder now that I have made an emotional investment. I need advice so I can eradicate him from my life before the new year.

Edited December 3, 2010 by mindfree1
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[strength-abounds]

A leopard never changes its spots. Axe him and do it FAST. This will be an occurring problem in your relationship if you keep condoning his s****y behavior with positive reinforcement.

 

DO NOT BE HIS PLAN B!!!!!!

[ShatteredReality]

It sounds kind of like you've already made up your mind. Are you looking for confirmation or support in your choice to leave him? If you've spent any time on this site you'll realize you will find a wide variety of opinions on here. Obviously - the most important one in this situation is yours. First off...bravo on not calling the girl. I totally would have. It's not probably the smartest way to go, but I'd have done it anyway. I am all about hearing all sides of a story - she claims he was cheating with her during the time you've been together, he claims she's lying. I'd demand some type of proof from her that it happened...dates and times and such...I'd also ask her if he ever paid for a hotel room - in which case I'd find out when and then I'd check his bank records for verification. I'd probably make him show me to be honest. However - if you have chosen to move past this and have a go at the relationship - then that's not the best course of action to take. It shows more than anything how little you trust him at this point (even though he's earned that distrust and if he's truly sorry wouldn't have much to stand on by way of being that upset).

 

When an SO wanders, if you are willing to forgive him/her, I am a firm believer they have lost their priveleges to privacy for a short time. My husband and I have full access to each others phones, e-mails accts, and social networking sites. Well I have a sns he doesn't, and he cannot access my work e-mail, but it'd be stupid to do anything using that. Aside from creating a new acct and keeping it hidden from eachother, we're able to check in whenever we want. Not that we do - but we CAN. That's the point.

 

Do you think he cheated on you with this or other girls? That's the real question. Why did he hide all of this from you if he wasn't doing something wrong? Why didn't he tell you he had a stalker? Why did he contact her for pot? Doesn't he have other avenues to get that stuff? You really need to know you can trust him before you go into business with him as a partner and before you marry him. Otherwise you stand to get burned very very badly on this deal. And how long did he keep these secrets? It's always much worse to get caught than to rat yourself out. Think how scared he'd be to admit more happened than you can prove...he could lose you...obviously he doesn't want that.