Is she past the point of no return in our marriage?

[JohnnyD]

I've been trying to read some posts here that relate to my situation, but for my own sanity I need to provide a summary of mine and get your thoughts.

 

I am 32 and my wife is 31. My wife and I started dating over 5 years ago and we have been married for nearly 3 years. During this time we first dated for a while, then lived together (my townhouse), sold my townhouse, and bought "our" first home together about a year ago. Just at the time we put our townhouse on the market, her mother came down with incurable cancer and passed away in 4 months. Her sister and I have been trying to get her to go to counseling to deal with her issues related to her mother for over a year. She has neglected to do so. We even tried to get pregnant for several months this year with no success.

 

Out of the blue, nearly two weeks ago she told me that I feel more like a best friend to her instead of a husband. She told me that she's not been fair to me, and that her Mother's passing has made her realize that life is short, and that she feels like she has jumped relationship to relationship her entire life without taking out the time to be self-sufficient, prepare herself to deal with a relationship appropriately, etc.... She says that she has tried to do everything to get these feelings out of her head such as moving, trying to have a child, etc..but she has finally realized that she cannot deal with this any longer, especially realizing that she was trying to bring an innocent child into the problems. She's since told me that she's started emailing a former co-worker in another state who had "checked out" of his own marriage and carried on an affair, leading to his current separation and impending divorce. She's told me that talking to him has made her realize that she did not/does not want to put me through that. She assures me that she has no interest in anyone else now but wants to be by herself to work on her anger/Mother's death issues.

 

She says I have all of the qualities that she'd want in the husband, stable job, treats her very well, no substance/abuse issues, etc...but she does not want the "intimacy" with me as she once did. She says she was absolutely in love with me when we got married (2.5 years after we started dating), but that she just doesn't feel that way about me anymore.

 

I feel like I've been hit by a truck. I feel stupid for not seeing this coming, although things have felt different for the past year or so. I of course, attributed this to my Mother-In-Law's death, and that I needed to give her space and time to pull through things. I'd hoped she'd seek some professional help to assist with her Mom's passing but she has not. Deep down I believe that if she moves out she will never come back, but at the same point I feel that I have to be strong and let her go, clinging to the small hope that she'll realize what she's going to miss after some time alone. She agreed that we should go to marriage counseling, which we did two nights ago. The counselor's initial reaction was that she did not want to reconcile, and that we should both go off and individually receive counseling to deal with our varying stages of grief, etc... and pursue ending the marriage.

 

As best I can tell she has been the initiator to end all of her previous relationships except for the one before me where her boyfriend cheated on her. I truly think she has problems being happy with herself, regardless of all of the good qualities and successes that she has.

 

I'd really like your opinions to see if you think I'm fooling myself to believe that after some time apart that she may show interest in me again. I still love her, and desperately want to feel that we've tried to work things out before heading down the divorce path. It feels so unacceptable to me that she didn't try bringing her unhappiness up with me or someone else prior to this point of her wanting to shut it all down.

 

Thanks

[starting2wakeup]

Johnny, Your story sounds so familiar it's scary. My wife also told me that "if" she wanted a husband it would be me. That I was ideal in every way but that she could no longer see herself in a relationship with anyone.

 

She is dealing with several medical and mental issues for which I do not think she is getting the proper treatment for. We have now been separated for several months and little has changed. I'm sorry I have no easy answers for you, but know that you are not alone in your situation. If anything, I can say that I am starting to realize that as much as I want to help her, until she really tries to make an honest effort to help herself, the relationship has little chance of healing.

 

Stay Strong.

[StandingO]

I feel for you and yes it sucks but it is what it is. This dramatic event may of helped her get her feelings out in the open but the feelings were still there all the same. I don't think there is much you can do about it. You love her so you got to let her do what she feels she needs to do. In the long run, time apart may steer her back to you but I would not count on it. Some people just get tried (for whatever reason) of other people and need change after a time. Sometimes its is because of something they feel they needed to accomplish and never did. They need to be released. It is just the way they are and really does not reflect on you. Be strong and guard against becoming bitter and you will fine a women that will stick with you thick and thin.

 

Best wishes

[strength-abounds]

Personally Johnny, having experienced the same routine, it takes both parties to save a marriage. It sounds like she doesn't want a part in trying to save the marriage. My advice, cut your losses and chalk it up to a lesson learned. Some woman out there is wishing for YOU dude. Take care of this and go find her.

 

Good Luck and God Bless.