new here, need some

[anne1707]

I'm going to caveat things by saying that I believe Anne to be an exception.

 

Most marriages cannot survive continued contact with the OW/OM...even if it's 'casual' with no 'affair-type' interaction between the two former affair partners.

 

The emotional stress and the sheer amount of distrust created by working with the affair partner will be nothing short of devestating for your wife.

 

I must admit I am amazed at the strength my husband found to deal with the work situation and not everybody would be able to cope (I don't think I would have been able to do the same if the situation were reversed). We did put in measures to make at least some of my movements more transparent (taking me to and from work, more contact during the day via email or phone) which we have maintained because we enjoy the contact and we also try to have lunch together on a regular basis - my H will come into the office and if the ex-OM happens to be there, it's not my H who squirms or acts uncomfortably

 

But yes, it asked a lot of both my H and I and has slowed our recovery. We are 2.5 years post dday and doing good but I know we would be doing better if the work situation was different. I should also add that my H knows I am doing all I can to find work elsewhere but I work at a very senior level in a specialised sector which severely limits opportunities

[Distant78]

Sorry no real recovery is possible if the WS and AP are still in contact with each other.

[anne1707]

Sorry no real recovery is possible if the WS and AP are still in contact with each other.

 

There can be exceptions. The ex-OM means nothing to me now and my H knows that.

[Distant78]

There can be exceptions. The ex-OM means nothing to me now and my H knows that.

 

There are no exceptions to being in close contact with the person that has helped destroy a marriage. That is doing nothing but adding salt to the wound.

[wuggle]

There are no exceptions....

 

As Anne's husband I can state that this is wrong. There can be exceptions, granted it can be bloody tough, especially in the early days, but if the two people concerned love each other enough and have the courage a recovery is possible.

 

My advice to OP would be he must look seriously at the relationship he currently has with his wife, and deep within himself. If he wants the marriage to work and loves his wife deeply and is not in the relationship for other reasons (because it's comfortable etc) then it can work, if and only if his wife feels the same.

 

If the affair partner does come back to work at the same place and you do love your wife enough you will do whatever it takes to try to get out of there, namely as others have already said, speak to management and ensure you are seperated or get another job entirely.

 

If your wife sees and believes that you are doing evrything you can to help ease the hurt that she will be feeling, and if she loves you enough it might work. If you are not prepared to do whatever it takes forget it.

 

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[Distant78]

As Anne's husband I can state that this is wrong. There can be exceptions, granted it can be bloody tough, especially in the early days, but if the two people concerned love each other enough and have the courage a recovery is possible.

 

My advice to OP would be he must look seriously at the relationship he currently has with his wife, and deep within himself. If he wants the marriage to work and loves his wife deeply and is not in the relationship for other reasons (because it's comfortable etc) then it can work, if and only if his wife feels the same.

 

If the affair partner does come back to work at the same place and you do love your wife enough you will do whatever it takes to try to get out of there, namely as others have already said, speak to management and ensure you are seperated or get another job entirely.

 

If your wife sees and believes that you are doing evrything you can to help ease the hurt that she will be feeling, and if she loves you enough it might work. If you are not prepared to do whatever it takes forget it.

 

Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

There are absolutely no exceptions. No recovery is possible. If the cheater is willing to bend over backwards he/she must do what it takes to maintain NC. No BS deserves to continue enduring that pain.

[wuggle]

There are absolutely no exceptions. No recovery is possible..

 

So as to avoid a useless argument that is not helpful to the OP, I will say this one more time only. Distant78, you are wrong. If there is one thing that life has taught me it is that there are no absolutes. It is for the OP and his wife to decide if recovery is possible for them, not you or I.

[Distant78]

So as to avoid a useless argument that is not helpful to the OP, I will say this one more time only. Distant78, you are wrong. If there is one thing that life has taught me it is that there are no absolutes. It is for the OP and his wife to decide if recovery is possible for them, not you or I.

 

No it is for his wife who he betrayed and disrespected. And I will say it again, no recovery is possible when the WS and AP are still in contact with each other.

[mr. fool]

thanks everyone,

 

I am just so disappointed in all this, I have not been a good husband for a lot of years and this woman I married somehow sees me as a better man than I am.

I am so sorry for what I have done, a light bulb has gone off for the first time in years......and I realize how much I have hurt her, I just wish I could make things better for her and not have her have anymore days that bring tears.

Now this, I know it will worry her and I cannot blame her I'm not that man she can trust anymore, I want to be...........

I am trying everything I can think of to lessen her stress and disappointment in this whole situation.

I am going to talk to my supervisor and see if there is anything I can do or I might have to look for work elsewhere.

I will talk to my wife tonight and ask her what she wants me to do, I will let her decide, I will do whatever I have to ............

I have ruined enough of her days over the years I don't want to anymore......

If I could only turn back the hands of time and start this whole life over........

I'm an old dog but I can be taught new ways..............

[jenifer1972]

I think you have fallen in love with your wife "in retrospect" and sometimes you have to lose someone to appreciate them.

 

I think in order to win her back, you have to be very transparent at all times with her. You should tell her exactly what you have said about her here: all the things you like, and now appreciate, write her such notes, and check in with her during the day, and be totally open about where you are, what you are doing, and basically woo her all over again. From what I am reading, she sounds like she is up for it. I think you also have to answer all her questions about the OW so she doesn't think that woman is secreted away in a little "treasure box of memories" that she cannot know about.

[dreamingoftigers]

Alright, for a guy that has been a narcissistic prick, you seem to be getting it.

 

It gave me the creeps for a second because this seemed so similar to my father.

 

I am a BS also. You want the goods on recovering.

 

1. Don't leave your wife, that is horse****. Total guy reasoning at play here, she is with you because she wants to try again to trust you. That's a favor, not a chance to dump her because of your own issues. Don't listen to that.

 

2. Commit to the marriage, make it intensely clear that you are not going anywhere and that you are not interested in stepping outside of it again.

 

3. You become completely transparent and answer ALL Of her questions. ALL OF THEM AS MANY TIMES AS SHE ASKS. Consistency is key. Tell her who you were and what you were thinking as well as who you are and where you are right now.

 

4. Show some ****ing remorse. Sorry that was actually me swearing at my stupid husband. In your case: show remorse.

 

5. Make amends. Any. Way. You. Can.

 

6. Don't take abuse, but don't jump the gun on anything she does either.

 

7. Don't just give her a ton of space, if she is bawling her eyes out, you get your ass over there and hug her and hold her like you are holding her heart. If she is mad at you same ****ing deal. Guys have a tendency to duck and run when a mate is hurting or angry, you have a golden opportunity to show care and compassion for what she is going through.

 

8. Ask her what small changes that you can make to make her comfortable with trusting you (maybe follow 3) then do them. Don't agree to something that you aren't doing.

 

9. Grab a relationship book like After the Affair and show that you are interested in sharing with her and fixing this. Reading a relationship-building book is heart-touching and maybe 1% of the male population does it. You show her that you value her by valuing the relationship. (And when you are done show my husband how this works, you can turn the pages for him or something).

 

10. Make sure to set consistent date nights for just the two of you. And not just while you are trying to heal your relationship.

 

11. Make your own needs known to her, start small. It gives her an opportunity to put in too. It also shows her that you are depending on her a little as a wife again and that she shares a part in your life.

 

It is good to see a wayward spouse that is willing to pull his head out of his ass and do what is right.

[dreamingoftigers]

thanks everyone,

 

I am just so disappointed in all this, I have not been a good husband for a lot of years and this woman I married somehow sees me as a better man than I am.

I am so sorry for what I have done, a light bulb has gone off for the first time in years......and I realize how much I have hurt her, I just wish I could make things better for her and not have her have anymore days that bring tears.

Now this, I know it will worry her and I cannot blame her I'm not that man she can trust anymore, I want to be...........

I am trying everything I can think of to lessen her stress and disappointment in this whole situation.

I am going to talk to my supervisor and see if there is anything I can do or I might have to look for work elsewhere.

I will talk to my wife tonight and ask her what she wants me to do, I will let her decide, I will do whatever I have to ............

I have ruined enough of her days over the years I don't want to anymore......

If I could only turn back the hands of time and start this whole life over........

I'm an old dog but I can be taught new ways..............

 

Btw the way don't expect this to stop anytime soon, I cried everyday for over 400 days. I still cry at least twice a week.

[seren]

Alright, for a guy that has been a narcissistic prick, you seem to be getting it.

 

It gave me the creeps for a second because this seemed so similar to my father.

 

I am a BS also. You want the goods on recovering.

 

1. Don't leave your wife, that is horse****. Total guy reasoning at play here, she is with you because she wants to try again to trust you. That's a favor, not a chance to dump her because of your own issues. Don't listen to that.

 

2. Commit to the marriage, make it intensely clear that you are not going anywhere and that you are not interested in stepping outside of it again.

 

3. You become completely transparent and answer ALL Of her questions. ALL OF THEM AS MANY TIMES AS SHE ASKS. Consistency is key. Tell her who you were and what you were thinking as well as who you are and where you are right now.

 

4. Show some ****ing remorse. Sorry that was actually me swearing at my stupid husband. In your case: show remorse.

 

5. Make amends. Any. Way. You. Can.

 

6. Don't take abuse, but don't jump the gun on anything she does either.

 

7. Don't just give her a ton of space, if she is bawling her eyes out, you get your ass over there and hug her and hold her like you are holding her heart. If she is mad at you same ****ing deal. Guys have a tendency to duck and run when a mate is hurting or angry, you have a golden opportunity to show care and compassion for what she is going through.

 

8. Ask her what small changes that you can make to make her comfortable with trusting you (maybe follow 3) then do them. Don't agree to something that you aren't doing.

 

9. Grab a relationship book like After the Affair and show that you are interested in sharing with her and fixing this. Reading a relationship-building book is heart-touching and maybe 1% of the male population does it. You show her that you value her by valuing the relationship. (And when you are done show my husband how this works, you can turn the pages for him or something).

 

10. Make sure to set consistent date nights for just the two of you. And not just while you are trying to heal your relationship.

 

11. Make your own needs known to her, start small. It gives her an opportunity to put in too. It also shows her that you are depending on her a little as a wife again and that she shares a part in your life.

 

It is good to see a wayward spouse that is willing to pull his head out of his ass and do what is right.

 

Yes, yes, yes to everything written here. I wonder how many of us XBS can relate to what Mr Fool has written and has sat reading nodding their heads because their XWS have said the same thing, over and over.

 

Of course there will be some who could not and did not reconcile who cannot understand how a BS can be willing to work at reconciliation, not everyone is the same. But, there are those of us who have committed to this and have succesfully reconciles with, not the same marriage or relationship - IMO, that is neither wanted or possible, but a new relationship with different boundaries, different ways of communication and understanding that builds on the foundations of the 'old' marriage and can be so good, despite the A.

 

H and I are over 3 and a half years on from D Day, if I am honest, without the frank discussions we had during reconcilation and the setting of boundaries, work to change what was broken in our marriage and both mine and H's commitment to each other, we would in all probability have divorced. I see a changed man, one who owns his problems and his actions and he sees in me, a woman who no longer takes care of everything.

 

Reconciliation can work, very succesfully. Of course no one would choose for their marriage to be blown apart by an A, but it happens. How you deal with it is up to you both. It is hard work, but it can also be a journey of discovery and can mean a new kind of marriage, in my case, a better marriage despite, not because of.

Total transparency is absolutely necessary, nothing must be hidden or it will come out along the line and undo any work you have both done. I needed reassurance that I was all that, that I was loved and valued - my H has and continues to, show me in spades that this is the case, and I he.

 

I am of the mind that had we divorced, I would have still loved him, still wanted to be with him and still thought that he was the best person for me, I would have been unspeakably bereft if we had gone our separate ways and so we are where we are. I have a dammed good relationship with my husband, I wouldn't change where we are for anything. had someone told me in the erarly days after D Day that we could be where we are today I don't think I would have believed it. I have to say though, that this is the one time I would do this, if there were another D Day I would go.

 

Mr Fool, just keep reassuring, keep showing, telling your wife that you are remorseful, that you love her, try to understand why you had an A, it helped me to understand they Why's. I wish you all the very best x

[mr. fool]

Thanks for the replies, I know I have been a narcisstic man for many years.

I will take all the advice and live it with my wife........she is a angel for even giving me a chance, I love how we are when we are good, and I feel so much guilt when she is sad...........I do try to just hug her when she is sad, I don't say much other than I'm sorry......I just hold her, she seems to calm down and then I try to take her for a drive, a walk, just hold her hand.........I will keep at it and hopefully some day she believes me that I'm in for the long haul.........

[mr. fool]

tierzastar,

 

to answer your question to what my wife did wrong was all the little normal things in a marriage, nothing even worth while mentioning, she just did things differently than I would and I thought that was wrong, she did over the years tell me that she was just being her, that she couldn't be me what would the point of her being her and having a brain of her own. But I guess you could say I just put all the things on my list, I also had a lot of work issues to deal with employees and differences in thinking about how the job should go, she would always speak about both sides of the coins and how the other people might be viewing the problem, just who she is she weighs everything out from every angle to process the problem and come up with a solution so everyone would/could be happy with a comprimise..........I took this as her always taking the other persons side...........I think I thought she should just have had my back even if I was wrong .................I think when we parented over the years I was a lot more tough on the kids and did to resort to controlling them at times.. During those time she told me that she agreed with the fundamentals of the lesson to be learned for the children but she couldn't go along with the way I conducted myself taking away their rights to chose or do what they wanted, it was alright to guide but not to pressure............I always looked at that as her undermining me with the boys, I always looked like the bad guy...............I also thought she spoiled them, she was a stay at home mom and took care of all their needs. She said she quit her job to do the mom job, it was just doing a good job and her part of the family responsibility............I thought they should do more of the jobs around the house, they seem to do them when she ask, but always dragged their feet when I asked............I blamed her for that.........

I put a lot of pressure on her when we entertained, the food had to be just so and certain things, because the nights were about the food for me not the get together with family or friends, she got to the point where it didn't happen much because it was a lot of pressure to preform like I expected, I blamed her for our social life and the lack of it over the years........

She put up with a lot I actually punished her by not thinking of her on her birthday or xmas, I never bought her anything, she always had something under the tree, it wasn't until the children were old enough that they noticed mom never opened anything, but she just accepted it........after all I was a busy man...........I just thought why should I go to any effort when in my book she wasn't with all the things she was doing wrong, when I think about how I treated her and how graceful and accepting she was I makes me sick now...............

I agree that she should have left me ................

I don't know what was wrong with me.............I always tried to teach my kids that the worst kind of person was that "I" guy and guess what that is exactly who I was.............thank god they are more like her than me........

I don't know why any of them love me now ..............other than she has had a positive influence on my life and theirs.