new here, need some

[mr. fool]

Hi I am new here and I am looking for some help.

I am a husband of 24 years, father of two adult sons......

When I married my wife 24 years ago, it was after my first son was born.

I hadn't planned on marrying yet, but it seems like the right thing to do.

I'm not a very affectionate person and I was very busy with launching my business and enjoying my sports, golf, curling in the winter........

Not a lot of time was spent on good quality time with my wife, we did our jobs in the family setting, it seemed to work for me, my wife on the other hand many times told me the job, my activities were taking away a lot of our marriage and that she felt unloved and unimportant.........

Somehow during that time I noticed everthing she did wrong, kept a list of faults and I must admit I did kind of punish her with things that she wanted to do, I just wouldn't do............

In the meantime she does a great job with our two boys, taking care of the house, gardens and all the things that needed to be done running our lives together........

Fianally after 15 years or so she said she was tired of asking to have a life with her husband that she was just going to do what she wanted without me.......little things..........going to the movies, suppers with friends, golf holidays with the girls..............she said she understood that our interests weren't the same and she could see by my past decisions to not participate that is was hopeless to think I would change.........

We both did our own thing, golfed together a couple times a week, it wasn't a affectionate kind of relationship but it worked for me, I went to work, worked a lot at home, went out with my friends, golfed with my family 1 day a week.

What I didn't realize how unhappy my wife was with this arrangement, but she just accepted that I wouldn't change and that this just was how our lives would be...........well pretty soon I was saying no to everything she ask me to do with her............the golfing together stopped I just played with the guys, I was pretty much cutting her out of my life...............I resented her and the list of things she was doing wrong was enormous now and I had all the justification in the world to not treat her with the respect she deserved.

Then guess what I was starting to think my life is getting on now I deserve to be loved and my wife certainly wasn't fulfilling my needs anymore or at least

that's what I convinced myself of.............I'm now 55 years old, there was a young girl at work married as well paying some attention to me and guess what since I had convinced myself my wife wasn't the woman for me that I deserved to find happiness.........I had an physical affair with a younger woman, sneaking around, lying to my wife and my boys as to where I was, who I was with............this lasted about 4 months, The affair partners husband started to suspect something going on and requested phone records and he discovered that I had texted his wife 1300 times in 2 month period, the husband then went to my wife and told her what he knew, the Ow and her husband separated that night after the confession of the affair came out............my wife was devastated and so were my boys, but by now I had convinced myself I was in love with the woman at work and the marriage to my wife was over anyway..........

Well then the truth came out, people at work knew, family knew, and worst of all my wife had to tell my grown sons so they would hear from anyone else..........my whole life was in shambles............my wife was honest and very graceful, she told me she always loved me and just reacted to the way I had treated her all these years.......but that if I wasn't happy I could go and move on with someone else,

She was brave even though she hurt, she put together a separation agreement took care of the financial stuff and payed me the $$ to buy me out of the house, that way the boys and her life weren't torn to total shreds by what I had done...........

Well it didn't take me long to figure out what a mistake I had made, I didn't know what to do, I had ruined everyone else's lives because of my selfishness now and in the early years.......I wanted to make things right, it took me 3 months to convince my wife I had made a big mistake and that I wanted to work on our marriage and keep our family together........

I had to deal with the OW and all the exposure, she was devastated and even threatened suicide.......it was a mess, it took the OW months to leave me alone, she still works in the same business with me but not directly anymore...

we are now into our 8 month of working things out, but my wife doesn't trust me anymore, my words mean nothing, she has all kinds of sad days just thinking about me at work.........even though there hasn't been any contact, I do everything in my power to avoid any possible contact .........and will maintain for the rest of my days. I no longer want to hurt anyone.......

Any suggestions, help, words of wisdom, I want my wife to be happy again, then maybe I can find some happiness as well, when we are good it is so good, better than it's ever been or better than I ever allowed it to be

......any words from any BS's so I can get a better idea what more I can do to make my wife happy again..........

so sorry so long............

thanks mr. fool

[Lecturer]

I'm not your average poster in the Infidelity forum - I don't universally chastise cheaters. I tend to look at the 'big picture' and understand circumstances, and that every action had its motivating factors.

 

As I was reading your story, I was thinking you were going to say that your marital neglect had led your wife into cheating. And I was going to tell you "what did you expect.. you damn-near deserved it with your negligence and selfishness". I would have been accepting of your wife having an affair.

 

But then it turned out that you managed a crowning achievement in your life of narcissism - that it was you that was cheating. Oh wait, no, that wasn't all. You then had the perfect opportunity to cut your losses (and the losses you've inflicted on others) and let everyone get on with their lives, probably far happier. But no, instead of letting that happen, you again did what YOU wanted, and tried to convince your wife to stay with you, at the expense of your AP, at the expense of your wife, and - amusingly - at your own expense.

 

You SHOULD have divorced your wife years ago.

 

You SHOULD have accepted the separation when the affair was found out, and pursued a life with your AP (while your wife could pursue a life with a new partner, if she so chose).

 

At this point, I have no real advise for you. I imagine you will keep forcing your square peg wishes into everyone else's round hole life, trying to maintain your own best interest at all costs.

[thomasb]

Mr. fool. I'm sorry you find yourself here. Hell, I'm sorry to be here myself. I understand how you feel. I did much the same. But, many years ago. Your wife can and probably will find it within herself to trust and forgive you. If you make sure to safeguard her from now on. It takes 2-3 years, according to our former councillor to heal from a partners infidelity. So if you expect it to be any sooner you may as well quit now.

You need to integrate your wife into your activities. Make her your priority instead of yourself. It will amaze you how quickly you will find joy in doing things together. It is the Christmas season, so I'll use the analogy of whether your joy came on Christmas morning from the gifts you get, or was it from the happiness on your childrens faces. My bet is on them. It is much the same when you learn the inner peace that comes by doing the right thing.

Your first priority with your wife now has to be honesty. Do not trickle truth her. She needs straight, thorough answers to any and every question she asks. The truth will hurt, and there will be a lot of times you want to lie. Don't. It will kill the love she still has and dissolve your marriage. Hope this helps, take care.

[strength-abounds]

Mr. Fool, I am a BS and although my words may sting, they are truthful words. Here we go.

 

Although I do not condone adultery, infidelity, or any version of cheating, I do understand now why it happens. When a wayword spouse that is unhappy with his/her marriage seeks solace with a lover outside of the marriage, it creates a dynamic of distrust and hatred that many couples cannot get through. Then, when the OW/OM has a spouse, that difficulty is multiplied expotentially. Unfortunately, you were a victim of lust for this other woman because she showed you what you needed in a relationship that your wife never provided. Honestly, you never should of married your wife. Getting married because it's the right thing to do is, ironically, the wrong thing to do.

 

My advice is to end the marriage with your wife. She does not deserve a husband that cannot be there for her emotionally. Women are emotional creatures by design and they truly need that emotional support to thrive. Yes there are a few exceptions but for the most cases they need that support. With having children of an adult age now, the feeling of being supportive to raise the children should no longer be an issue. Let her go so both you and her can be happy with your separate lives.

 

Please don't think I am degrading you in any way for your infidelity. I am trying to do the opposite. Honestly speaking, I think you did a honorable thing by admitting the affair instead of playing mindf*** games with your wife and the OW husband.

 

Welcome to LS. Good Luck and God Bless.

[kuma]

I want my wife to be happy again, then maybe I can find some happiness as well.

 

Do you really love her? You want to make her happy because of your guilt? You never mentioned that you love your wife. You married her because it was the right thing to do. You can't make her happy if you don't love her.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Your question is how you can make your wife happy again? Well I don't think she was all that happy in the relationship to begin with..and now with this affair..my goodness...you couldn't stick that knife in deeper than that!

 

Anyhow I'm not here to bring you down...but you have seriously f'd up..like BIG TIME! I am 8 months out of D-Day as well...and still unsure if its worth all this hard work so to speak. Her finding out by the AP's spouse was another major blow. Just like me finding out about my spouses affair...its worse than if you had admitted it. I'm sure she's thinking..he's sorry he got caught rather than more sorry that he had the affair..like most BS's feel when they "catch" their spouse so to speak.

 

24 years is a real long time to invest. But it doesnt sound like you had the most loving relationship in those years..as you have described. Why didn't you just leave or seperate prior to this? How is she supposed to invest all this energy into you NOW...after you seriously didnt care much about her and her life before the affair? I don't get what kind of advise your really searching for. I know every relationship has issues prior to the affair...but I really think your wife was extremely lonely in your marriage to begin with..and just like the first poster mentioned..I thought she would be the one to stray!

 

Either way...in time she will heal...or NOT! There is nothing you can do or say that will make her happy..or heal any quicker. You seriously have to think what your priorities are at this point..but the ball is totally in her court from here on. Whenever shes ready to decide whether she wants to live the rest of her life by you..that is fully her choice!

[anne1707]

It is possible to recover and save a marriage after an affair but it takes a hell of a lot of hard work (and 8 months is nothing in the timescale required for this).

 

What things, if any, are you and your wife trying to do to help work on your marriage? Are you going through any kind of marriage counselling together plus, needed I think with all your history, any individual counselling?

[hurtinginTX]

After 24 years of marriage??? I don't see how you could do that to your wife. However, seeing as how I have been the cheated on I know 8 months is nothing and you are going to have to give her some time. She will be happy if you show her that she is the only woman who can make you happy.

[mr. fool]

Thanks for the replies, I knew I would get a kicking and believe me I now see how selfish I have been over the years and believe me I now know what an incredible woman I am married to.......

She has the heart of a saint.......I don't know why she is still with me......but she is and I am grateful, I have changed everything about me, I am the perfect husband now, treating her like the princess she is, and not like before, it's because I am in love with her and I want to do anything and everything for her.

It is like when the news of the affair was understood by all, I woke up from the life and the way I had been thinking all these years.........when I thought I was really going to lose my wife, every bad thing I had ever done or thought came crashing down around me...............

I just hope we can get through all this and the old me, she has told me she loves her new husband and the man I am now, but she is afraid the other ugly one will return............I am planning a renewal of our vows, and a 2nd honeymoom for us................

I know I have a long walk to fix what I have damaged but I am willing to do what ever it takes from now on..........

I love being in love and I am so sad I wasted a lot of years making her feel lonely and unimportant I now know she is the most important thing in my life above all the other people, things, work.........I don't even want to go to work anymore, I want to spend my time with her.............

I thank God every day that my eyes and heart have woken up and I thank God that she is the woman she is and that she didn't just throw me out.....

thanks for letting me tell my story.......

[thomasb]

I would like to encourage you to find a good counsellor. Whether it be through a church or the private sector. Caution though, not every one is based on saving the marriage. Interview a few until you find one that suits. And disclose all during your sessions.

Is your wife asking questions, and are you honestly answering them. Guaranteed she will need to ask a lot. And I don't mean just once. But the same question with different nuances for a couple years. You have to make yourself an open book to her about where you are and what you are doing. That means no secretiveness with your phone Etc. In time she will stop checking it, after she has reassured herself enough. It has been over 12 yrs, I still try to never do anything my wife could find in question. Not just for her, but for me. I never want to feel the way I felt the day I told her everything. The sick, shameful gut feeling is the worst thing I've ever felt.

Read the threads here. It will teach you a lot. My wife and I went through Marriage Builders counseling. It saved my marriage, and taught us a lot about preserveing it for the future.

[wicar1]

Thanks for the replies, I knew I would get a kicking and believe me I now see how selfish I have been over the years and believe me I now know what an incredible woman I am married to.......

She has the heart of a saint.......I don't know why she is still with me......but she is and I am grateful, I have changed everything about me, I am the perfect husband now, treating her like the princess she is, and not like before, it's because I am in love with her and I want to do anything and everything for her.

It is like when the news of the affair was understood by all, I woke up from the life and the way I had been thinking all these years.........when I thought I was really going to lose my wife, every bad thing I had ever done or thought came crashing down around me...............

I just hope we can get through all this and the old me, she has told me she loves her new husband and the man I am now, but she is afraid the other ugly one will return............I am planning a renewal of our vows, and a 2nd honeymoom for us................

I know I have a long walk to fix what I have damaged but I am willing to do what ever it takes from now on..........

I love being in love and I am so sad I wasted a lot of years making her feel lonely and unimportant I now know she is the most important thing in my life above all the other people, things, work.........I don't even want to go to work anymore, I want to spend my time with her.............

I thank God every day that my eyes and heart have woken up and I thank God that she is the woman she is and that she didn't just throw me out.....

thanks for letting me tell my story.......

 

 

-Your wife should have left you. I think you know, she deserves someone who's honest. I am sure she will not/cannot trust you again. Your actions pushed her not to. SO you have to live with it.

 

-Yes she is correct, the ugly you can/will return. It is a matter of time.

 

"Then guess what I was starting to think my life is getting on now I deserve to be loved and my wife certainly wasn't fulfilling my needs anymore or at least that's what I convinced myself of"

 

OK, I get it... BUT how the hell did you get the right to f*** another guy's wife knowing she's married?? how would you feel if someother guy bangs your wife???

 

 

-What about the OW husband? Dont you realize you have caused him pain and destroyed his marriage. Have you ever tried to apologize???

 

-I think you should leave her and let her find someone she deserves.

Edited December 4, 2010 by wicar1

[alexandria35]

Thanks for the replies, I knew I would get a kicking and believe me I now see how selfish I have been over the years and believe me I now know what an incredible woman I am married to.......

She has the heart of a saint.......I don't know why she is still with me......but she is and I am grateful, I have changed everything about me, I am the perfect husband now, treating her like the princess she is, and not like before, it's because I am in love with her and I want to do anything and everything for her.

It is like when the news of the affair was understood by all, I woke up from the life and the way I had been thinking all these years.........when I thought I was really going to lose my wife, every bad thing I had ever done or thought came crashing down around me...............

I just hope we can get through all this and the old me, she has told me she loves her new husband and the man I am now, but she is afraid the other ugly one will return............I am planning a renewal of our vows, and a 2nd honeymoom for us................

I know I have a long walk to fix what I have damaged but I am willing to do what ever it takes from now on..........

I love being in love and I am so sad I wasted a lot of years making her feel lonely and unimportant I now know she is the most important thing in my life above all the other people, things, work.........I don't even want to go to work anymore, I want to spend my time with her.............

I thank God every day that my eyes and heart have woken up and I thank God that she is the woman she is and that she didn't just throw me out.....

thanks for letting me tell my story.......

 

Your're planning a renewal of vows and a second honeymoon? Is your wife on board with this? Does she want this? or is this something you are doing for yourself, in an attempt to manipulate the situation into something you want it to be?

 

I am confused because while I believe that marriages can be recovered, your marriage doesn't sound like it was ever good, so what's to recover? I'm loathe to say this because I'm normally a big proponent of saving the marriage, but it sounds like you never respected or loved your wife, you spent years neglecting her and rejecting her, why would that suddenly change now? Like a couple of the other posters here, I fully expected that this story was going to end with your wife cheating on you, and as much as I hate cheating I could almost understand why she would. But it wasn't her, it was you, and when she gracefully accepted the situation for what it was, and prepared herself to walk away with her dignity and her self respect, you wouldn't even let her do that.

 

OP, honestly I'm not trying to bash you, but are you sure you love your wife? Are you sure that there isn't something else behind your abrupt change of attitude towards your wife? I'm trying not to sound harsh, but by your own words you were quite self absorbed and self entitled for most of your marriage? Were you surprised when your wife showed a willingness to end the marriage and walk away? Could your desire to hold onto her and save the marriage be more about your ego being wounded than a true love for your wife? She has spent most of her adult life in a lonely loveless marriage and she deserves her shot at finding love and happiness. Since you have convinced her to stay with you, I truly hope that you do love her and mean what you say about wanting to make her happy.

[kuma]

I truly hope that you do love her and mean what you say about wanting to make her happy.

 

Ditto.

 

IMO, everybody deserves a second chance. Keep doing what you're doing. Let her know how much you love and appreciate her. You should know that it'll take a long time for her to be able to trust you again. You have to be very patient. Both you and your wife should attend MC and IC. I wish you both the best.

Edited December 5, 2010 by kuma

[love4me2c]

Your post sounds like it is coming from my husband. He wanted to "change" and try and work things out, too, after I found the OW panties in my dryer. I stayed for 8 months but couldn't stand it anymore. I left. Like a previous poster stated, when the marriage was horrible to begin with, what is there to save? I decided I did not want to save it. I tried, but realized too much had transpired and I was no longer in love with him. He killed all the love I had left in me for him.

 

Personally, I think you should ask her if she WANTS, truly WANTS, to reconcile. I think if you really asked that, she may not want it. You all were together a very long time. Even if it was bad, often we get into dependent scenarios where the devil you know is better than the one you don't, but for me, leaving him was the best thing ever. I moved out in late October of this year.

 

Plus, I still believe people do not learn and grow until they lose the person they mistreated. I may be wrong, but I believe in sleeping in the bed you made. I'm sure you're sorry but you deserve to lose it all. You will learn nothing over time if you do not.

[strength-abounds]

Thanks for the replies, I knew I would get a kicking and believe me I now see how selfish I have been over the years and believe me I now know what an incredible woman I am married to.......

She has the heart of a saint.......I don't know why she is still with me......but she is and I am grateful, I have changed everything about me, I am the perfect husband now, treating her like the princess she is, and not like before, it's because I am in love with her and I want to do anything and everything for her.

It is like when the news of the affair was understood by all, I woke up from the life and the way I had been thinking all these years.........when I thought I was really going to lose my wife, every bad thing I had ever done or thought came crashing down around me...............

I just hope we can get through all this and the old me, she has told me she loves her new husband and the man I am now, but she is afraid the other ugly one will return............I am planning a renewal of our vows, and a 2nd honeymoom for us................

I know I have a long walk to fix what I have damaged but I am willing to do what ever it takes from now on..........

I love being in love and I am so sad I wasted a lot of years making her feel lonely and unimportant I now know she is the most important thing in my life above all the other people, things, work.........I don't even want to go to work anymore, I want to spend my time with her.............

I thank God every day that my eyes and heart have woken up and I thank God that she is the woman she is and that she didn't just throw me out.....

thanks for letting me tell my story.......

 

I am glad to hear about this. You are one of the lucky few that achieve the desired 2nd chance. Dont f*** it up.

[mr. fool]

hi again,

I want to thank everyone who took the time to post. I want to thank everyone for protecting my wife and her interests, I know it's hard to believe but that is what I am trying to do as well, even though my past history has not shown me to be a man that can.......

Lecturer, I get what you said, I feel the same disgust with myself.......I am also trying to forgive myself, but my first priority is my wife.......

ThomasB, I am trying to protect my wife now, 2-3 years is nothing compared to the years of pain I have caused my wife. I have put in a lot of extra precautions in place now, I never go out, just to work, she has all access to my phone, comp, whereabouts at all times.........no more work functions things like that.......all off the table............spend all my free time with my wife.

StrengthAbounds, thanks for the post, I am trying to do everything to show my wife i have changed and that she can trust the new me.

Kuma, hey thanks for the 2nd chance and don't worry I really do love her with all my heart......I always did, I was just to selfish to see it.

PortugesePrincess80, I realize that my past history gives my wife nothing to hang on to. I have made some provisions for my wife during this transition periord.......just to leave her in a more secure place.......

Anne1707,Hurtingin TX, I have made many changes and we both are going to IC for now to understand ourselves better.......both counsellors believe in marriage rebuilding.........

Wicar1, I deserve what you have said to me, I had no right to do any of this to anyone.....I don't know what to say, I have not apoligized to the OW's husband and I feel bad about what I have done to his life and the same goes for the OW. Believe me I don't like the ugly man my wife is afraid that will come back either............he will not

Alexandria35, So far the renewal is just a thought, my wife has mentioned a few times that she no longer feels the marriage vow is there and it is one of the things that is hard to disgest for her.........I just thought after some more recovery I could ask her to renew our vows and I could set things right for us again, I feel bad about it as well................she is such a good woman with good values.......I know I have changed who she is and I am just trying to fix the things I can...........

Love4me2c, My wife does want to work things out, I'm sorry things didn't work out for you......

Strengthabounds............You said it, I will not f***things up anymore, I am a man that doesn't deserve that 2nd chance but I married a woman that can see the good in me even when I can't see it myself............

I am going to read and learn everything possible and I thank you all for listening and helping me to realize what I have done and the pain I have inflicted on the people I really do love.........

[slowbutSURE]

Mr. Fool. Advice on how to fix it?

Don't lie!

Don't lie!

Don't lie!

I am in the midst of my divorce, married 26 years and am the BS. We have two girls together.

My wife pulled this crap more than once and call me "Mr. Fool" because I would be sticking around if she would have just told the truth. To me it's that simple. You lied and killed the trust she thought she had. It will take a LONG time to recover and you might not recover but to have even a shred of a chance, TOTAL honesty about everything is a must.

Good luck to you and your family.

[2sure]

I have to be quick. food for thought:

 

You wife is probably feeling more betrayed about the distance you intentionally created in your marriage over years than she is about the affair itself.

[mr. fool]

Hi again,

I think you are right, I have broken the trust she had in me, she truly thought even though I treated her very badly for years, that I was not someone that would go against the marriage vows, she said she never even dreamt in all her misery over the years that I could do this........

She always was very graceful and did everything she could, she listened to me, always did her job, took care of the boys like no one could, drove them to all their events, worked at school events, had them home for lunch every day. Took care of everyone's needs, she always said that after quitting her job that she viewed taking care of her family as her job and did it well.........

She said that the times it was good between us was what she held on to, she said she always believed that there was a good person under all that bad.....

She is the kind of woman that takes her word very seriously in good and bad, that is what she was doing.........

I know I have lied and after 24 years of marriage she doesn't believe in me anymore...............I know I cannot lie anymore and that what I have done has shattered her belief system.................I feel like such a jerk, a**hole, you name it............I just don't know how to fix 24 years of mistakes........

She has more faith than me............I'm a problem solver by nature and by my work but I can't seem to fix this............I am praying every day, yes I'm catholic that the good lord can lead me the right way so I can make up for what I have done..............

I really did love my wife when we married, it wasn't just because we had a child........that child is my life now.............

I just don't know why I chose to do things the way I did, my first wife had affair and left me for the OM, I need therapy I guess ...........maybe my wife payed for what my first wife did to me..................how sick is that.......

[Rose1977]

I am a BS - rather BGF. We are working through our problems with counseling and blood sweat and tears hard work. Your story was a bit shocking to me. To give you some insight into what it feels like to be cheated on, which I think is what you were asking: Living hell. I ended up hospitalized with anxiety, high blood pressure and a stomach ulcer. I went up to a week without sleeping more than an hour at a time. Constant nightmares when I did sleep. Despression so bad the only reason I would get out of bed was to care for my son. Anger - OMG, there was so much anger. I wanted to kill him, her, and anyone who even knew either one of them. Luckily I have worked through that issue. NO TRUST.... Constant desire to know every detail, no matter how painful it would be. Feeling like a whore because I was in a stable (haha) relationship but had to go to a clinic for an AIDS/STD screen. Twice.

 

But, I - rather WE decided to work on it. He has made MANY changes. Counseling of course is necessary in your situation and I think your wife probably needs some individual counseling as well - how could she not? She needs at outlet. You are going to have to give her constant reassurance. No matter what she says, I can tell you she feels worthless, unloved, unwanted, used, and so on... not to mention that the fact that you cheated with a younger woman will naturally make her feel insecure in the looks/weight etc... dept. Just being honest with you about how a woman's mind works.

 

Your job is to tell her nonstop how much you love her. Tell her how beautiful she is. Comment on her new hairstyle or tell her you like her outfit. ANYTHING to let her know you are looking at her and paying attention to her. When she cries, hold her. Even if you don't know what to say, tell her, "I don't know what to say right now but I'm right here with you and I'm not leaving until you ask me to". Don't react in anger when she has fits of anger. Quite honestly, you deserve a few pots being thrown at your head. Apologize. Again and again. Tell her again and again how grateful you are for your second chance. You can't tell her enough. Take her out to nice dinners and tell her how proud you are to be seen with her. Surprise her mid-day - call her and tell her not to cook, that you want to take her to dinner and a show. Pay attention to what she shows interest in. Perfect example, O kept researching the new movie Black Swan.. reading reviews, talking about it etc.... My BF paid attention and since it's only playing in a few theaters even in NY went online and bought the tickets for this weekend and printed them out and gave them to me, telling me we were going on Sunday. Buy her a book she casually mentions she wants to read. You have to let her know you are paying attention to HER.

 

I have to say, I wish I had carried myself with the grace in which your wife did when I found out about the cheating. I was an out of control angry monster for quite a while. In the end, I don't know if you can repair 24years of damage, but I think it's great that you are trying and I wish you all the luck in the world.

[Rose1977]

I have to be quick. food for thought:

 

You wife is probably feeling more betrayed about the distance you intentionally created in your marriage over years than she is about the affair itself.

 

Totally agree, and I also meant to mention that one of the things that hurts the most about being the

BS is more the lies than the actual affair. My BF actually pretended to be out of breath running through a train station to visit a friend when he was at home with HER... those kind of lies make me sicker than the actual event.

[mr. fool]

a new problem has come up the OW that I had my affair with she is being transfered back into my work department, I haven't had any contact for a long time now and intend to keep my word to my wife about the no contact..The OW is also in another relationship.

my wife is still suffering with the trust and just all the hurts that go along with my marriage and the way I have treated her in the past, things are slowly improving but I think this will throw a wrench into the way she can continue to heal.

Is it possible to heal in this kind of situation? Has anyone else gone through this and come out in a positive relationship?

I have f*****up and I don't want to take any steps backwards........

What do I do, how can I reassure her that it won't be a problem, the affair was exposed back when it came out........

I'm so afraid that this will set her back.......

Any advice would be greatly appreciated....

[anne1707]

I still work with the ex-OM. It does make recovery of the marriage much more difficult although not impossible. If you are going to continue working for the same company then you need to make sure you stick to NC as much as possible whilst keeping work professional. Talk about this with your wife - find out what she wants you to do and how she wants you to manage the situation.

 

What is essential though is that you and the ex-OW do not engage in personal conversation - not even "did you have a good weekend". It is all work and only work. You inform your wife of any contact - show her by your actions that your wife is your one and only priority.

[Distant78]

I'm sorry dude I think you guys should just divorce. After everything she for you after discovery you're still disrespecting her, and now hesitating on whether you should move yourself away from the OW you had an affair with or stay in the same department with her. You know the answer to that question.

[Owl]

I'm going to caveat things by saying that I believe Anne to be an exception.

 

Most marriages cannot survive continued contact with the OW/OM...even if it's 'casual' with no 'affair-type' interaction between the two former affair partners.

 

The emotional stress and the sheer amount of distrust created by working with the affair partner will be nothing short of devestating for your wife.

 

Personally, I recommend that you go talk with your boss...tell them the truth, and inform them that you'd like to work things out so that either OW doesn't come back to your department, or that you move somewhere else.

 

If that doesn't work, and you truly want to save and reconcile your marriage...seriously start looking for a new position elsewhere.

 

Because in my experience...the odds of successful recovery while ANY kind of contact still goes on between affair partners is EXTREMELY small.

 

The odds are far more in favor of your wife trust in you never being rebuilt...leading to divorce. Or, you and your former affair partner resume where you left off...eventually getting caught again...and once more ending in divorce.

 

Talk with your management, see if there's a compromise that can be done here that can save your marriage.