At a stand still

[blizzard]

My story is a long complexing one. My H and I have been in an "in house" seperation for nearly 2yrs due to finances and ultimately the kids. The reason for seperation was that our marriage was gradually dying in "my" eyes. I tried for years to tell him what was missing. Instead, I received complete disrespect and sweeping our feuds under the rug. He underminded everything I voiced. And put me, his wife, last in his life. My H has an issue with physical and emotional affection...he has always sworn it is innate and that he couldn't change it. I tried to help, but he blew me off saying "This is who I am." So, the marriage dissolved. I moved farther away. He was fine. Didn't need squat from me but "sex" and wifely domestic duties. No intimacy of course. He is competitive. I have lived a life of him "outdoing" me in every respect and knowing absolute everything. In turn, it has ruin my self confidence. Ahh. Just so many things piled up in our marriage. In addition, add a few kids in the mix. He can love them like you wouldn't believe...but he just couldn't love me. And yes, we went to MC. No good. He stated he refused to put me, us, before the kids.

 

I have been in love before. I have never had this with him. I have had to fight for his acceptance. Love. My mom says she knew that I was in love with my past love...but with my H... it is very different. I am different. And I am. I changed to suit him and his needs.

 

Moving on. During my marriage crashing, call it timing...but very unplanned, an old friend bounced back into my life. Very plutonic relationship. H got very jealous. Which caused an entire new bucket of issues. I was open with him about this man. Explained our past. He read our occasional emails...but he failed me again...with trust issues. He has never trusted me. Whether it is in my opinion or about other sex. Six months after we seperated...and decided divorce...I allowed a relationship to develop with this OM that was also getting a divorce. I didn't care about my marriage anymore. And of course you know the rest...typical affair drama. Dday, OM lied and left me heartbroken. NC with xMM in 7mts now. H was doing his own thing, txting OM inappropriately...I don't know how it went.

 

The present. I am in IC. And healing from so much. H has been trying in his own way. Me? I am numb. I just can't feel for my husband. I want to but I don't know how to make it happen. He can't love me the way I need to be loved. We had an arguement. He wanted to know why I am hanging.

H does not know full details of affair. He doesn't ask. He told me that he forgives me...to lets just move on and forget about the past. That he was wrong in the way he treated me. But that he can change.

 

Fast forward. He tries to initiate sex with me. It is like a strangers touch. I cringe...and ask him to stop. He finally asks if he should stop trying. If we are reconciling or not. I told him no. We can't make it. We are just two different ppl that have drifted apart. So now I feel like a load has lifted because he has stopped "touching" me...and he is "nice" to me. It''s a peaceful friendship for now. He left open a book in bible for me to read nonchanlantly...about cheating. He wanted me to "find it."

 

I have so many questions. Why would he forgive me? I didn't ask for it. Although I want it. He isn't asking anything about affair. He isn't asking for transparency. Nothing. He says "forgiveness" then lets just move ahead. Please tell me how when so much destruction has been done. How do you pretend nothing has happened? He couldn't even look me in the eye when he said I forgive you. He never even once said "I love you." Instead he proceeds to tell me how he "desires" me. He hugged me like my mother.

I am not trying to be critical, but I just don't see him changing. He can't display love.

 

At my kids Thanksgiving party she showed me her turkey she drew on the wall. I said, hey what's under his eyes? She said that he was crying. I said why??? She said b/c her daddy doesn't love him. All the other turkeys were so happy. My mom made a great point. She has watched this from afar for some while now. He loves them, but exude love to them. He may kiss them...but they don't feel the love, the warmth. Just like me. This makes me so sad...

 

So where do I go from here. Do I stay? Afterall, he doesn't beat me, drink, do drugs... Do I stay for the kids?

[HopelessinDTW]

My story is a long complexing one. My H and I have been in an "in house" seperation for nearly 2yrs due to finances and ultimately the kids. The reason for seperation was that our marriage was gradually dying in "my" eyes. I tried for years to tell him what was missing. Instead, I received complete disrespect and sweeping our feuds under the rug. He underminded everything I voiced. And put me, his wife, last in his life. My H has an issue with physical and emotional affection...he has always sworn it is innate and that he couldn't change it. I tried to help, but he blew me off saying "This is who I am." So, the marriage dissolved. I moved farther away. He was fine. Didn't need squat from me but "sex" and wifely domestic duties. No intimacy of course. He is competitive. I have lived a life of him "outdoing" me in every respect and knowing absolute everything. In turn, it has ruin my self confidence. Ahh. Just so many things piled up in our marriage. In addition, add a few kids in the mix. He can love them like you wouldn't believe...but he just couldn't love me. And yes, we went to MC. No good. He stated he refused to put me, us, before the kids.

 

I have been in love before. I have never had this with him. I have had to fight for his acceptance. Love. My mom says she knew that I was in love with my past love...but with my H... it is very different. I am different. And I am. I changed to suit him and his needs.

 

Moving on. During my marriage crashing, call it timing...but very unplanned, an old friend bounced back into my life. Very plutonic relationship. H got very jealous. Which caused an entire new bucket of issues. I was open with him about this man. Explained our past. He read our occasional emails...but he failed me again...with trust issues. He has never trusted me. Whether it is in my opinion or about other sex. Six months after we seperated...and decided divorce...I allowed a relationship to develop with this OM that was also getting a divorce. I didn't care about my marriage anymore. And of course you know the rest...typical affair drama. Dday, OM lied and left me heartbroken. NC with xMM in 7mts now. H was doing his own thing, txting OM inappropriately...I don't know how it went.

 

The present. I am in IC. And healing from so much. H has been trying in his own way. Me? I am numb. I just can't feel for my husband. I want to but I don't know how to make it happen. He can't love me the way I need to be loved. We had an arguement. He wanted to know why I am hanging.

H does not know full details of affair. He doesn't ask. He told me that he forgives me...to lets just move on and forget about the past. That he was wrong in the way he treated me. But that he can change.

 

Fast forward. He tries to initiate sex with me. It is like a strangers touch. I cringe...and ask him to stop. He finally asks if he should stop trying. If we are reconciling or not. I told him no. We can't make it. We are just two different ppl that have drifted apart. So now I feel like a load has lifted because he has stopped "touching" me...and he is "nice" to me. It''s a peaceful friendship for now. He left open a book in bible for me to read nonchanlantly...about cheating. He wanted me to "find it."

 

I have so many questions. Why would he forgive me? I didn't ask for it. Although I want it. He isn't asking anything about affair. He isn't asking for transparency. Nothing. He says "forgiveness" then lets just move ahead. Please tell me how when so much destruction has been done. How do you pretend nothing has happened? He couldn't even look me in the eye when he said I forgive you. He never even once said "I love you." Instead he proceeds to tell me how he "desires" me. He hugged me like my mother.

I am not trying to be critical, but I just don't see him changing. He can't display love.

 

At my kids Thanksgiving party she showed me her turkey she drew on the wall. I said, hey what's under his eyes? She said that he was crying. I said why??? She said b/c her daddy doesn't love him. All the other turkeys were so happy. My mom made a great point. She has watched this from afar for some while now. He loves them, but exude love to them. He may kiss them...but they don't feel the love, the warmth. Just like me. This makes me so sad...

 

So where do I go from here. Do I stay? Afterall, he doesn't beat me, drink, do drugs... Do I stay for the kids?

For a while there I thought you were my stbx...As strange as this may sound I think it is great that you're having these doubts. I think it's time to see a marriage councelor. Since he's willing to move forward and fix the marriage, you need to explore all avenues of fixing the marriage before you throw in the towel...as much as you might feel like giving up. WHY? Because it's not just about you two as a couple, but the kids as well. If things don't work out, you want to be able to tell your kids that you honestly tried everything possible to make things work out.

[blizzard]

IC has been a blessing. I am learning of my importance. And I am learning to not blame myself for the dissolution of our marriage. My self- confidence is slowly emerging. Now, it's just about whether or not to let go. I could stay and show my kids a family unit. But it wouldn't be a true image of what marriage should be...two parents hugging, kissing, loving each other...smiling.

[blizzard]

For a while there I thought you were my stbx...As strange as this may sound I think it is great that you're having these doubts. I think it's time to see a marriage councelor. Since he's willing to move forward and fix the marriage, you need to explore all avenues of fixing the marriage before you throw in the towel...as much as you might feel like giving up. WHY? Because it's not just about you two as a couple, but the kids as well. If things don't work out, you want to be able to tell your kids that you honestly tried everything possible to make things work out.

 

I don't know how to try. To feel the kind of love he shows. It's a forced love he gives... no tenderness.

I have never had a "shoebox" collection. He even hates his pic taken with me. He plays music but has never written me a song. Heck, we don't even have a song. I have tried to be apart of his athletic stuff...but he says he plays to be competitive...that its boring to just play with me. He doesn't like travel.

[whichwayisup]

I have so many questions. Why would he forgive me? I didn't ask for it. Although I want it. He isn't asking anything about affair. He isn't asking for transparency. Nothing. He says "forgiveness" then lets just move ahead.

No more husband and wife. But friendship. Parents together for the kids. I believe he is making peace for the kids sake. This situation actually suits him well, he doesn't have to make any effort to BE a husband to you, and now you don't have to try to please him in and out of the bedroom. It is possible now that the pressure if off, you two can come to a nice middle ground, have pleasent feelings for one another, and have it just be what it is. A friendship between two who share kids.

 

My guess too is, he just isn't inlove with you like you aren't inlove with him and that makes it easier to just "be". Hope this makes sense. Just a thought and angle to consider.

[blizzard]

I have to clarify this typo in my post...my H was texting OW not OM. My apologies...

 

And no, I don't know how far he went other than texting. He accidently sent me two texts that should have gone to OW. I began checking phone records and found that there were two women that he texted hours on end. I also snooped around on his phone and found evidence. When I told him he had dbl standards in our seperation he got angry. He says that he hasn't done what I have done. He changed the password to our records and locked his phone. He still locks his phone...and has not given up password. Although I haven't asked him to do so.

[blizzard]

No more husband and wife. But friendship. Parents together for the kids. I believe he is making peace for the kids sake. This situation actually suits him well, he doesn't have to make any effort to BE a husband to you, and now you don't have to try to please him in and out of the bedroom. It is possible now that the pressure if off, you two can come to a nice middle ground, have pleasent feelings for one another, and have it just be what it is. A friendship between two who share kids.

 

My guess too is, he just isn't inlove with you like you aren't inlove with him and that makes it easier to just "be". Hope this makes sense. Just a thought and angle to consider.

 

I just don't know if he knows how to "love." I believe that he can feel it...but can't show it. He has always told me that showing love or expressing love in any form is a weakness in a man. HIs mom's family aren't very affectionate ppl. I do feel like the pressure has been lifted. But I am still on the fence...scared to finalize. Scared of the unknown. Scared of change for the kids. I feel sad for him, being alone. He depends on me so much for everything. I do everything. He doesn't have many friends. He says I am best friend. He says I mean the world to him. He doesn't know what he will do without me. But he just can't say "I love you"

 

I think he just waits for me to file. I know we can't live like "friends" in the same house for much longer and remained married.

[Iconoclast]

He has always told me that showing love or expressing love in any form is a weakness in a man. .

 

And if you believe him, then, you will never find happiness with this person, because he is too afraid to show emotion.