Long story... how do I get past this?

[Twisted_up]

Two years ago I was married but we weren't happy. Then I met a guy online who was also married and unhappy. We started talking, eventually met one day and really hit it off. From there things just progressed and we would talk on a daily basis online.

 

Not long after meeting this guy we had begun discussing leaving our spouses. I for the most part was ready as things around my home just kept getting worse. He on the other hand was skeptical because he and his wife had a son together who was 13-14 at the time.

 

Then something happened with my husband that was absolutely unforgivable and I left him. During my divorce I had moved in with my parents and the gentleman I met online would make frequent visits. Then I started going out of town with him every few weeks when he had business trips.

 

This went on for a few months and before I knew it, we were telling each other how much we loved the each other, enjoyed our time together etc. Our relationship was far beyond just the bedroom and we confided in one another a lot. Other than the fact that he was still with his wife, things were perfect.

 

Throughout all of this he would constantly complain about how unhappy he was, how unappreciated, how mistreated etc. He also started complaining about how his wife was turning their son against him by convincing him that his father was some kind of angry monster. This was something I couldn't even begin to imagine out of a man I had never even seen get so much as slightly annoyed.

 

After a while I grew weary of hearing him constantly complain. I for one am not going to stay somewhere that makes me miserable so I couldn't wrap my brain around why he would. At the time he said it was because of their son, but later he confessed it was because he didn't want to pay child support. It was at that point that I began to think, how selfish... he's not staying FOR his son, he's staying for himself. But I didn't want to make any assumptions since I don't have children myself.

 

Then last year I ended up moving and was an hour away from him. Still he made frequent visits and when we were together everything just seemed right. But then this past summer he got upset when I made a new friend in my area who was also a man. In fact he got so jealous that he actually ended up breaking up with me, but it was short lived and we ended up getting back together. I think this is mostly due to his realizing how hypocritical he was being.. I can't have a male friend, but he can go home to another woman everyday?

 

So when we got back together, which was just a few months ago, things almost immediately went back to the way they were. He was frequently telling me how much he loved me, how I was his perfect fit and how he hated "walking in his own purgatory" (what he always referred to his marriage as). He often commented that he didn't think he could wait until their son turned 18 (his son at this time is 16) because he was too miserable. By this time his excuse had changed and it wasn't as much him trying to avoid paying child support as it was his just wanting as much time with their son as he could get. This made no sense to me considering he works afternoons and most weekends. With their son in school he wasn't getting any more time with him than he would if he were an EOWE parent.

 

Then about a week ago he and I got into this really minor (stupid really) misunderstanding and he said he would talk to me the next day. That was Friday evening. The weekend came and went, I heard nothing. At first I was upset about it, but then started to think he was busy with the family. When he didn't show up on Monday, as he had done every Monday before this, I began to get worried something was wrong. Finally on Tuesday I called his cell, which is something I never do for obvious reasons. I got his voice mail and left a message. A few hours later I get a text message which said something about his "plate being too full" he feels "overwhelmed" and "our disagreement made him want to step back from our situation". Again, none of this made sense to me. How could his plate be too full and he feel overwhelmed when absolutely nothing in his life had changed in the two years we've been seeing each other? Of course he also said in his message that he wasn't going to talk about it, so whatever he true reason was, he really didn't want me finding it out.

 

I tried multiple times to get a straight answer out of him but the closest I got was another text message that said he's "setting me free so fly and be free". I couldn't believe how that struck a nerve with me.

 

A few days later, for some reason I'm unsure of, I decided to create an account on the website we originally met on and search for the alias he uses online. BINGO! He was already back on there looking for someone else! I could not believe it

 

Feeling extremely angry and used I posted on another site for women who have been wronged by a man who has lied, cheated etc. The following day there was a reply to my post about this guy that stated the person thought he was a swinger. All I could think was, no... wtf?!?

 

Well I am the kind of person that needs definite answers, not might be, could be or should be. So after a few hours of digging around I found the only website that seemed popular to our state for swingers and created a free account. The I did a search for his area and not long after I came across a profile that had him kissing who I have to assume is his wife! I viewed the profile, discovered they've been signed up there since over a year before he and I ever even started talking. It also said they like to "soft swap" which I had to look up because I'm not familiar with their chosen "life style". From what I've read it means they like to flirt/touch other people, but have only sex with each other. If that's right or not I have no idea. But their profile obviously hadn't been updated since it was posted since their ages were also wrong.

 

Now in a matter of days I went from heartbroken to devastated to just outright outraged and disgusted! I feel like it was all one big sex game they played to spice up their love life at MY expense over the last two years Not to mention I already suspected he was being intimate with his wife (which he denied) while he was doing so with me and wonder how many other woman he was being intimate with also. Plus, according to their swinger profile, his wife is "bi-curious" which has me scared I've been exposed to god only knows what.

 

I tried to find support on another forum, but so far all I've had is the same one person reply multiple times to tell me how I'M the bad guy and make other crude remarks which I don't feel I deserve since I don't feel I did anything wrong. I have been divorced this entire time.

 

I've been hurt in the past, but nothing like this. I feel lied to, used, betrayed... worse yet, I feel like it was done by both of them because I remember him telling me last year how his wife told him she didn't care if he had sex with someone else so long as it wasn't a "relationship". At the time I didn't believe it, but now I think she has known all along.

 

All I want to do is get even with him and her because they shouldn't do this to people. At least not without first disclosing the fact of what they're doing.

 

What do I do? How do I get past this?

[Owl]

Use that anger. You're right to be angry. He hurt you, he lied to you, and in the end kept you dangling on the line getting exactly what he wanted from you.

 

Recognize that. Use it to burn away the grief/loss you're feeling, and get on with your life...with him well removed from it.

 

Get off the sites where you found him. Block his email/phone/etc... Remove him from yours.

 

Take ACTIVE MEASURES to rid this jerk from your life.

[Silly_Girl]

You really were just a pawn in his game. I am so sorry. That's a terrible way to treat someone.

 

You KNOW you can do a whole lot better, right???

 

Not saying he didn't care about you but you were a whole way down the list from himself, and the things he wanted from his life. You are free, and can be whole again.

[whichwayisup]

I mirror what Owl said.

 

Sadly, you were a conquest to this man, a game in which helped fed his ego and bring excitement into his marriage. Use that anger to help you get over him and never look back.

 

Sorry to ask, genuine curosity, what did your husband do that made you divorce him so quickly? I certainly hope he didn't physically abuse you or gamble away your life savings.

[East7]

This is a story like you can find dozens here. I encourage you to read similar posts, you will be surprised to find out how your story is similar to many others.

 

This man is a liar, he had all the creativity to keep you on the loop with his excuses, child problems ect...typical.

He never really wanted to be with you, it was thrill, excitement and fling with no intention of a relatiosnhip. And the fact that he is already looking for someone else puts this in evidence.

 

It is normal to feel devastated, betrayed and used.

 

You have no choice but move on and heal. Now that you are single, you can move on with your life without lies until the day you meet Mr. Right. (who is not married)

[woinlove]

 

All I want to do is get even with him and her because they shouldn't do this to people. At least not without first disclosing the fact of what they're doing.

 

What do I do? How do I get past this?

 

Any time spent getting even is time spent focusing on someone who lied and hurt you. It's better to remove all contacts and reminders of him and spend your time doing things you enjoy.

 

But, unless you communicated with the wife too and she lied to you, I don't understand what you think the wife did to you. Who knows what he told his W?

[spice4life]

Wow, what a couple creepy jerks! It sounds like they just use people for their own personal gain....how cruel!

 

I know it's hard, but just be glad that you are out of that toxic triangle. They are nothing more than a couple of low lifes who have no sense of decency what so ever. Block him from communicating with you in every way possible. And just remember, what goes around comes around. It may take a while but they will eventually get theirs.

 

Stay strong and STAY NC!

[jwi71]

has me scared I've been exposed to god only knows what.

 

Then have yourself tested for STDs.

Going forward, before having sex, make sure you are in a monogamous R (an A ISN'T a monogamous R imo) with the person. Failing that, use protection and get tested regularly.

 

I don't feel I did anything wrong. I have been divorced this entire time.

This is w/o judgment but you ARE (or were) sleeping with a man you knew to be married and NOT openly telling his W. Most people find that morally wrong. To demonstrate this...who, in your close circle of friends and family, know your "man" was married to someone else?

 

I'm NOT judging you for your actions rather pointing out that there is internal conflict IF you hide his marital status from those close to you. You cannot say "I did nothing wrong" and proceed to lie about his marital status - see the the non sequitor?

 

I've been hurt in the past, but nothing like this. I feel lied to, used, betrayed... worse yet, I feel like it was done by both of them because I remember him telling me last year how his wife told him she didn't care if he had sex with someone else so long as it wasn't a "relationship".

What happened to "soft swing" where the only flirt/ light touch but only have sex w/ each other. Already we have a hole in "his" story to you - to the public (those outside the M).

 

And WHY do you blame both? Did his W know? If you think his W knew WHY would you NOT call his cell phone "for obvious reasons"?

 

Again...a non-sequitor.

 

At the time I didn't believe it, but now I think she has known all along.

So what if she has? How is SHE part of YOUR pain? Because she allowed her H to have sex with you (if that's the case)? Try blaming the person who used you for sex - HIM (and yourself).

 

All I want to do is get even with him and her because they shouldn't do this to people. At least not without first disclosing the fact of what they're doing.

I'm sorry but what are THEY doing?

All YOU know for certain is the H met you online (dating site?).

That the H and only the H communicated to you and only the H had sex with you. That someone posted on swinging sites.

Sorry...but blaming them both seems...just plain wrong to me as see nothing the W did.

 

What do I do? How do I get past this?

Start by owning it. Own your decisions. Own the outcome (half of it anyway). Stop trying to be the victim. Stop blaming THEM for HIS actions and your OWN actions.

 

I understand you feel hurt and used. And maybe he did just use you for sex - it doesn't make you chap or tawdry. It makes you naive and foolish. And, EVERYONE is there at some point.

 

Cry your tears. Be angry. As time passes and the sting subsides, look for the red flags you ignored. Learn. Become wiser.

 

You WILL survive.

You WILL love again.

You WILL be happy.

[fooled once]

Two years ago I was married but we weren't happy. Then I met a guy online who was also married and unhappy. We started talking, eventually met one day and really hit it off. From there things just progressed and we would talk on a daily basis online.

 

Not long after meeting this guy we had begun discussing leaving our spouses. I for the most part was ready as things around my home just kept getting worse. He on the other hand was skeptical because he and his wife had a son together who was 13-14 at the time.

 

Then something happened with my husband that was absolutely unforgivable and I left him. During my divorce I had moved in with my parents and the gentleman I met online would make frequent visits. Then I started going out of town with him every few weeks when he had business trips.

 

This went on for a few months and before I knew it, we were telling each other how much we loved the each other, enjoyed our time together etc. Our relationship was far beyond just the bedroom and we confided in one another a lot. Other than the fact that he was still with his wife, things were perfect.

 

Throughout all of this he would constantly complain about how unhappy he was, how unappreciated, how mistreated etc. He also started complaining about how his wife was turning their son against him by convincing him that his father was some kind of angry monster. This was something I couldn't even begin to imagine out of a man I had never even seen get so much as slightly annoyed.

 

After a while I grew weary of hearing him constantly complain. I for one am not going to stay somewhere that makes me miserable so I couldn't wrap my brain around why he would. At the time he said it was because of their son, but later he confessed it was because he didn't want to pay child support. It was at that point that I began to think, how selfish... he's not staying FOR his son, he's staying for himself. But I didn't want to make any assumptions since I don't have children myself.

 

Then last year I ended up moving and was an hour away from him. Still he made frequent visits and when we were together everything just seemed right. But then this past summer he got upset when I made a new friend in my area who was also a man. In fact he got so jealous that he actually ended up breaking up with me, but it was short lived and we ended up getting back together. I think this is mostly due to his realizing how hypocritical he was being.. I can't have a male friend, but he can go home to another woman everyday?

 

So when we got back together, which was just a few months ago, things almost immediately went back to the way they were. He was frequently telling me how much he loved me, how I was his perfect fit and how he hated "walking in his own purgatory" (what he always referred to his marriage as). He often commented that he didn't think he could wait until their son turned 18 (his son at this time is 16) because he was too miserable. By this time his excuse had changed and it wasn't as much him trying to avoid paying child support as it was his just wanting as much time with their son as he could get. This made no sense to me considering he works afternoons and most weekends. With their son in school he wasn't getting any more time with him than he would if he were an EOWE parent.

 

Then about a week ago he and I got into this really minor (stupid really) misunderstanding and he said he would talk to me the next day. That was Friday evening. The weekend came and went, I heard nothing. At first I was upset about it, but then started to think he was busy with the family. When he didn't show up on Monday, as he had done every Monday before this, I began to get worried something was wrong. Finally on Tuesday I called his cell, which is something I never do for obvious reasons. I got his voice mail and left a message. A few hours later I get a text message which said something about his "plate being too full" he feels "overwhelmed" and "our disagreement made him want to step back from our situation". Again, none of this made sense to me. How could his plate be too full and he feel overwhelmed when absolutely nothing in his life had changed in the two years we've been seeing each other? Of course he also said in his message that he wasn't going to talk about it, so whatever he true reason was, he really didn't want me finding it out.

 

I tried multiple times to get a straight answer out of him but the closest I got was another text message that said he's "setting me free so fly and be free". I couldn't believe how that struck a nerve with me.

 

A few days later, for some reason I'm unsure of, I decided to create an account on the website we originally met on and search for the alias he uses online. BINGO! He was already back on there looking for someone else! I could not believe it

 

Feeling extremely angry and used I posted on another site for women who have been wronged by a man who has lied, cheated etc. The following day there was a reply to my post about this guy that stated the person thought he was a swinger. All I could think was, no... wtf?!?

 

Well I am the kind of person that needs definite answers, not might be, could be or should be. So after a few hours of digging around I found the only website that seemed popular to our state for swingers and created a free account. The I did a search for his area and not long after I came across a profile that had him kissing who I have to assume is his wife! I viewed the profile, discovered they've been signed up there since over a year before he and I ever even started talking. It also said they like to "soft swap" which I had to look up because I'm not familiar with their chosen "life style". From what I've read it means they like to flirt/touch other people, but have only sex with each other. If that's right or not I have no idea. But their profile obviously hadn't been updated since it was posted since their ages were also wrong.

 

Now in a matter of days I went from heartbroken to devastated to just outright outraged and disgusted! I feel like it was all one big sex game they played to spice up their love life at MY expense over the last two years Not to mention I already suspected he was being intimate with his wife (which he denied) while he was doing so with me and wonder how many other woman he was being intimate with also. Plus, according to their swinger profile, his wife is "bi-curious" which has me scared I've been exposed to god only knows what.

 

I tried to find support on another forum, but so far all I've had is the same one person reply multiple times to tell me how I'M the bad guy and make other crude remarks which I don't feel I deserve since I don't feel I did anything wrong. I have been divorced this entire time.

 

I've been hurt in the past, but nothing like this. I feel lied to, used, betrayed... worse yet, I feel like it was done by both of them because I remember him telling me last year how his wife told him she didn't care if he had sex with someone else so long as it wasn't a "relationship". At the time I didn't believe it, but now I think she has known all along.

 

All I want to do is get even with him and her because they shouldn't do this to people. At least not without first disclosing the fact of what they're doing.

 

What do I do? How do I get past this?

 

Sorry I am stuck on how it is his WIFE's fault you and he met online and chose to become involved. Can you reexplain that part to me. What did she do? Did she know about you? Was she present the times you two met up? Was he videotaping it for her amusement? Where exactly was she when he was at your house, meeting your parents (did they know he was married) and when you and he were spending the weekend together?

 

As an FYI - if she is bi-curious, that doesn't mean she can get a special "gay" std. Since HE is the PROVEN cheater, I would wonder where HIS penis had been.

 

After he told you he didn't want to pay child support, that alone would have made me run. what a lousy 'father'. And since he was with you many evenings and weekends, when exactly was he being father of the year to his son that his wife was raising?

 

You did do something wrong. You chose to have an affair, while married. You chose to 'date' (exactly how do married people date others) a man who was married.

 

While I am very sorry you were hurt, you chose to get involved with him. Doesn't mean he was right to lie to you, disrespect you or hurt you. HE is the bad guy here - NOT his wife. Until you know for a FACT that she was involved, she is an innocent party here. Most swingers due so in front of their partners, they don't go and have affairs. That is part of the lure (from what I have read) - watching your spouse have sex with someone else or at least knowing about it and 'approving' it or being INVOLVED in it.

 

Him having sex with you without her knowledge/blessing isn't swinging, it is plain old cheating.

[Breezy Trousers]

I'm so sorry this soul damage happened to you. You were vulnerable.

 

You will get past this with time and lots of support.

 

I realize I will sound like a broken record on this board, but I believe that a good percentage of affairs are with people who have hidden, irreversible personality disorders -- pathological narcissism, psychopathy, borderline personality disorders. It's a hidden epidemic. The public is very poorly educated on this, and, when it comes to the issue of affairs, that is especially tragic. My experience has taught me that there are a lot of seemingly "successful" people out there with hidden personality disorders, and one of the big manifestations is sexual acting out. The fact that your MM was so self absorbed could be another red flag. To make yourself more aware, study up on this. There are many forums for women who have been intimately involved and damaged along this line.

 

Many pathological narcissists abuse their intimates, so I wouldn't be surprised if MM's wife became a swinger merely as means to hold on to him. That happens a lot in abusive situations, unfortunately. Even if this is her own free choice, there's no proof she knew about you. So you really don't know. However, you do know one thing for sure: MM lied to you and manipulated you to get his own selfish needs serviced. He exploited your vulnerability. That's all you need to focus on to detach from this.

 

The problem with getting intimate with people with personality disorders? They don't care about you. Period. They act and mimic intimacy, but they aren't wired for it. They lack empathy. Eventually, inevitably, the image cracks as you get closer.

 

I'm glad the image cracked for you. You have been spared, probably in more ways than you realize right now. Thank God. This could have gone on for another two years or even longer. You really don't know. For some unfortunate women, it goes on for decades.FDR once said it's easier to stay out of a war than it is to PULL out of a war... Well paraphrased this way:It's easier to stay out of an affair than it is to pull out of an affair. It takes tremendous soul exertion to do that. Be patient with yourself.

(In the meantime, distract yourself with reading! Knowledge is power! Go on the internet and learn about narcissist personality disorder, etc. .. Read Anne Rule's book, "Never Let Her Go." The hotshot lawyer had a mistress for many, many years, and she thought she was the only one on the side, never realizing he was having secret relationships with other women, too. When he later tried to frame her for the murder of one of his lovers (to save his own neck), the mistress realized she wasted two decades of her life loving and hoping to marry a man who, in the end, didn't care a bit about her welfare .... Same thing with the rabbi who arranged to have his wife murdered in the late 90's. His elegant lover protected him when police questioned her ... until the police proved to her that he had other lovers besides her. She was enraged she wasn't anymore special to the man than his murdered wife (!), and started telling the truth to police ... This stuff happens more than we realize, ala Tiger Woods. There are many sick people out there for whom affairs are ways of getting free supply (sex/adoring attention). Just because WE are connecting to them, we assume the same is true for them with regard to US. That's a very dangerous assumption to make.)

 

P.S. He told you his wife was telling his son he was a monster? I would pay attention to that. Lots of disordered people unconsciously "tell" on themselves early in the relationship, but we deliberately overlook it....... Also, the two-year mark is suspicious. Usually the "high" of an affair dwindles by the second or third year. My girlfriend has read ads where men say they only want a relationship for "2-3 years." So they are practiced and already know the score ... even if the respondent doesn't.

Edited December 4, 2010 by Breezy Trousers

[spice4life]

First I would like to apologize for my initial post on this thread. The truth is, who knows if his wife knew. My thought is, if she did know and laid down ground rules for him then it was his responsibility to be up front with you from the start. This way you can make an educated choice about whether or not you want to get involved.

 

In the end though, the reality you get hit with is that A's are nasty business - no pun intended. Once you get hooked it is so hard to get out. And once you do, so much has happened that it ends up changing your life. The question is, will you use the knowledge to make your life better. If read through the stories here you will see that many chalk iit up to a huge life lesson and have no intention on going down that road again.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I sincerely doubt that a man who became that jealous of his mistress meeting another man allows his wife to swing.

[fjordboy]

Any time spent getting even is time spent focusing on someone who lied and hurt you. It's better to remove all contacts and reminders of him and spend your time doing things you enjoy.

 

But, unless you communicated with the wife too and she lied to you, I don't understand what you think the wife did to you. Who knows what he told his W?

I agree. Every moment spent plotting revenge and focussing on the negativity of the relationship is a wasted opportunity to move forwards and cultivate a new, positive relationship (when you're ready). Facts: This guy is a grade A creep; there's nothing you can do about it; he's also likely not in a fulfilling relationship/happy (so you can take some comfort in that).

 

The best way to get "revenge" is to better yourself and take what you can learn about yourself and how you'll approach future relationships. That's being positive. Don't dwell in the darkness of that relationship. Good luck.