I have never been able to let someone go without another person in the picture

[northern_sky]

I need some sense talked into me. My emotions since I ended things with J have been all over the place.

 

Just a few hours ago I was resolute. Then I went on another second guessing binge.

 

With one possible exception, I've never been able to cut someone out of my life when I didn't have another guy waiting in the wings.

 

J and I weren't official, but it hurts just the same because it felt like a relationship in my heart. If anything, this is more painful because he had far more in common with me than my other exes; I am losing a friend who will be hard to replace. I am most afraid of losing the non-relationship things he has to offer: friendship and professional connections. I am having trouble believing that I can be equally happy and successful without him in my life.

 

It will be a great measure of my strength, and a huge step forward, if I can move on without caving.

 

In my relationships usually things go sour when I realize we are incompatible and start pushing the guy away. I let it drag out until he dumps me because I'm too afraid to leave him. When the guy finally goes NC, I have no choice but to move on. That makes it easy. I am a person who can't leave any food on a plate, even when I should stop eating. I let life's arbitrary end points decide for me.

 

Being the neurotic person that I am, it's a lot harder to accept a choice of my own. I constantly analyze the "what ifs?" It's doubly hard to let go of J because I still want him. I never got to try him out and realize he wasn't for me. Lost potential is a lot harder to accept than proven failure.

 

Right now I am worrying:

 

1) We will never speak again. I can't seem to accept that if this happens it is OK.

 

2) Given how shy I am, I won't find another person, even a friend, who shares as much in common with me as he does. I am afraid he is irreplaceable.

 

3) I am dealing myself a professional blow by destroying one of my few connections.

 

4) Maybe I could have just kept seeing him casually, and it would have developed into something more down the line. Now I have ruined that potential.

 

---------------

 

It occurs to me that I have no idea how to move on from somebody, like what mental work needs to be done. With my most recent ex, he forced NC. How do I make myself accept this, given all of my doubts?

 

This thread isn't just about navel-gazing-- I really could use some input!

[pandagirl]

OK, here's my advice:

Right now I am worrying:

First of all, worrying is all about projected fears. You're worrying about things that have no answer.

 

1) We will never speak again. I can't seem to accept that if this happens it is OK.

I have this fear, too... it's actually one of my biggest fears, and the one that scares/scared me the most with my recent ex -- the idea we will never talk or see each other again. But I have learned that I will NEVER know what is going to happen in the future. In 3 months, 6 months 2 years... who knows? I've been trying to let go of this intense need to control what's going to happen, because, guess what? It's impossible to do. The key is to just focus on yourself and stop worrying about someone else.

2) Given how shy I am, I won't find another person, even a friend, who shares as much in common with me as he does. I am afraid he is irreplaceable. No one is irreplaceable, including myself. You're putting way too much value on him.

3) I am dealing myself a professional blow by destroying one of my few connections.

Again, not true. I have burned bridges with some very powerful people in my industry, and it was scary, but I've prospered without them.

 

4) Maybe I could have just kept seeing him casually, and it would have developed into something more down the line. Now I have ruined that potential.

This is neither here nor there. The point is, you were unhappy with the current situation. Take pride that you too your own feelings into account.

 

ALL of these fears have to do with you under-valuing yourself, you know that, right? I was a mess for two months after my breakup, but the turning point for me was realizing that I am awesome and, yes, I still miss my ex and get sad, but it doesn't mean I can't be happy without him, because I can.

[carhill]

Since this is an ongoing issue, sharing the specifics with a professional would be my suggestion. Keep working on it, alone, until you can *accept* it and see the path to *change*. IMO, LS isn't going to 'fix' this. Think of the process as relationship 'detox'. 30 day in-patient. The 'drug' is validation and attention from men.

 

Imagine your situation with the additional burden of having to pursue those with whom you feel so shy and facing dozens, if not hundreds, of rejections. Life is about degrees.

 

Make that appointment today