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Has anyone actually followed the rules, and not got their partner back

Capital P

By Capital P
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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TheGrimSweeper Established Member

TheGrimSweeper

Posted
Posted
It's more likely for ex girlfriends to come back after using NC. Doesn't work with ex boyfriends at all.

 

No I have a friend who broke up with his girlfriend of 5 years, because he felt he wasnt ready and wanted to just life his life a little. After 2 months of being broken up he came back to the girl because he realized he wasn't going to find anyone better for himself.

fiat500 Established Member

fiat500

Posted
Posted
No I have a friend who broke up with his girlfriend of 5 years, because he felt he wasnt ready and wanted to just life his life a little. After 2 months of being broken up he came back to the girl because he realized he wasn't going to find anyone better for himself.

 

That's nice. Doesn't give me hope, but it's nice to hear. :)

bl22 Established Member

bl22

Posted
Posted
That's depressing. Bl22, have any of your exes done anything after the breakup to further cement your decision in ending it with them? I'm curious. What would be your number one reason for ending it with a woman?

 

I just want to know because all I talk to is other females about this and it doesn't help. I'd like to know what I'm doing wrong from a man's standpoint and why he chooses to end it.

 

I haven't talked to my ex since he threw me away. I refuse to be clingy

 

Well i cant speak for all guys here. But for me if I've broken up with the girl its because I know 100% she isnt the 1 for me and dont want to carry things on. There have been a few where they have tried to blackmail me back to them which did cement the decision.

It was only until I met my recent ex I've been completely head over heels in love and she ended it with me start of october after 2 years cause she 'thinks' she may have feeligns for someone else. I was/am devastated and I did about 2 weeks of pleading and trying to make her see before going NC. She was always indecisive where as males (not all) are ussualy very content with what they have if they are happy...they don't go analysing things to death or get easily influenced...again i cant speak for everyone here.

I do have a feeling she'll break NC 1 day because our relationship was very close and we shared many great times together, much more so than any other relationship id been in. Whereas for her, I was her first serious relationship.

 

You're right, dont be clingy. The only way he'll regain the way he used to view you is if you become independantly happy and get on with your life. Just how you was before you met him I guess. It won't happen overnight, it'l probably take a while but I dont know what happened between you too.

shocked_confused Established Member

shocked_confused

Posted
Posted
No I have a friend who broke up with his girlfriend of 5 years, because he felt he wasnt ready and wanted to just life his life a little. After 2 months of being broken up he came back to the girl because he realized he wasn't going to find anyone better for himself.

 

Haha, I like this post...Would be the ideal situation. However I'm not sure if I would take him back. That's a whole other issue. But I would love the satisfaction of having the ball back in my court :)

flower88 Member

flower88

Posted
Posted (edited)
Yeah, I'm starting to feel a tiny bit better. First six weeks - severe separation anxiety. Now, starting to realize the magnitude of how she left me and what it might say about being with her in the future. I don't know what I would do if she did try to come back.

 

I wrote her that letter, a reaching out to you kind of letter, not a begging and pleading letter. And she ignored that too. I would think that if it was infidelity, or something else, just to put me out of my misery, you could email me and say "Look, I got your letter, I understand how you feel, but I made my decision and you need to respect it." It is total bull**** to not write me back. All I ever did was love you and try to bring joy to your life while I shared mine with you. If you want to leave, leave, but don't deny me your humanity and basic decency while doing it.

 

As far as not making mistakes, I knew that in the short term that there was nothing I could do to get her to change her mind, and that generally I needed to give her some space immediately after the breakup. And I did compose letters and emails that I'm glad I didn't send, things that would have been classic breakup mistakes if I had gone through with them. I basically just googled breakup literature and came upon relationship boards and took it from there. It also feels good for my future peace of mind to look back on this relationship and know I was a great boyfriend, I gained a lot of experience and insight into myself, I went through the breakup which made me stronger and wiser, and I have no regrets about the way that it ended because it wasn't my choice, it wasn't my fault when I was willing to work to save it, and I exited it with class, maturity and dignity. She, on the other hand, she will one day have to reckon with how she left me, if not why.

 

I have a long way to getting over this, and my heart still hurts a lot, but after a month of NC, I feel like intellectually I've come to some sort of acceptance and recognition of what happened. It really does make a difference in getting over it. My heart still has a ways to catch up to that though.

 

i like the part you wrote that letter, i feel that was a good thing to do, it is actually therapuetic on you to say whatever you wanted to say before NC. she lacks the decency to reply you, that truely reflects what kind of person she is. you really really deserve someone better than her. you know, the worse she treats you , the easier it is to get over her. she has nothing much for you to admire anymore.

 

for your part, i know you are hurting very much now. i feel that maybe you should not think that you hurt so much now is because you still love her very much. think of the hurt as a wound, not because you still love her. you want to love a person who is patient and kind and loving with a sound mind, and who loves you back the right way because you know you deserve it. this woman has shown her true self, she is no longer what you thought her to be. keep thinking this way until unless she proves herself again.

 

my first ex dumped me for reasons that were not my fault. it hurt but it didn't take that long to recover, i did it in 3 months. we had plans to get married too that time, looking for a house etc. so right now, don't romantise things with her in your head anymore. keep reminding yourself how she treated you, keep sending your brain this signal and it will help kill your feelings for her. you are a quality man, you deserve a quality woman and she is not one.

Edited by flower88
GreenPolicy Established Member

GreenPolicy

Posted
Posted
i like the part you wrote that letter, i feel that was a good thing to do, it is actually therapuetic on you to say whatever you wanted to say before NC. she lacks the decency to reply you, that truely reflects what kind of person she is. you really really deserve someone better than her. you know, the worse she treats you , the easier it is to get over her. she has nothing much for you to admire anymore.

 

for your part, i know you are hurting very much now. i feel that maybe you should not think that you hurt so much now is because you still love her very much. think of the hurt as a wound, not because you still love her. you want to love a person who is patient and kind and loving with a sound mind, and who loves you back the right way because you know you deserve it. this woman has shown her true self, she is no longer what you thought her to be. keep thinking this way until unless she proves herself again.

 

my first ex dumped me for reasons that were not my fault. it hurt but it didn't take that long to recover, i did it in 3 months. we had plans to get married too that time, looking for a house etc. so right now, don't romantise things with her in your head anymore. keep reminding yourself how she treated you, keep sending your brain this signal and it will help kill your feelings for her. you are a quality man, you deserve a quality woman and she is not one.

 

I feel like I am already past the worst part - the separation anxiety when all you think is "I miss them and want them back." Even if she did come back, I'm not sure what I would do - I guess it would take a lot of heart to heart talks, an agreement on her part to go to counseling for the long haul, and what she really had to say for herself in terms of why she did what she did. But you know, that will probably never happen, so it's best to continue on and move forward.

GreenPolicy Established Member

GreenPolicy

Posted
Posted

3 days before she broke up with me:

 

 

 

Hi! How are you? I was just thinking about you. Love you!

:-)

 

~ (ex's real name)

 

5 days before she broke up with me:

 

I would like yellow gold hoop earrings. That's awesome that you asked about that today. I will have to show you the gold hoop earrings that I have. They are so cheap. I wanted to wear the ones that I have today, but they are so bad that I didn't even put them on... :-(

 

But, I like White gold RINGS (we had looked at rings together and I told her I would be getting a second job to pay for one).

:-)

 

~ (ex's real name)

 

10 days before she broke up with me:

 

Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow.

 

LOVE YOU!

 

~ (ex's real name)

 

13 days before she broke up with me:

 

Hi sexy! I had so much fun with you this weekend. You are the most amazing man. I love you and I hope you have a wonderful week.

 

~ (ex's real name)

bl22 Established Member

bl22

Posted
Posted
3 days before she broke up with me:

 

 

 

Hi! How are you? I was just thinking about you. Love you!

:-)

 

~ (ex's real name)

 

5 days before she broke up with me:

 

I would like yellow gold hoop earrings. That's awesome that you asked about that today. I will have to show you the gold hoop earrings that I have. They are so cheap. I wanted to wear the ones that I have today, but they are so bad that I didn't even put them on... :-(

 

But, I like White gold RINGS (we had looked at rings together and I told her I would be getting a second job to pay for one).

:-)

 

~ (ex's real name)

 

10 days before she broke up with me:

 

Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow.

 

LOVE YOU!

 

~ (ex's real name)

 

13 days before she broke up with me:

 

Hi sexy! I had so much fun with you this weekend. You are the most amazing man. I love you and I hope you have a wonderful week.

 

~ (ex's real name)

 

 

 

These look like they were taken from my phone days before my breakup also, ill never get that.

flower88 Member

flower88

Posted
Posted
3 days before she broke up with me:

 

 

 

Hi! How are you? I was just thinking about you. Love you!

:-)

 

~ (ex's real name)

 

5 days before she broke up with me:

 

I would like yellow gold hoop earrings. That's awesome that you asked about that today. I will have to show you the gold hoop earrings that I have. They are so cheap. I wanted to wear the ones that I have today, but they are so bad that I didn't even put them on... :-(

 

But, I like White gold RINGS (we had looked at rings together and I told her I would be getting a second job to pay for one).

:-)

 

~ (ex's real name)

 

10 days before she broke up with me:

 

Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow.

 

LOVE YOU!

 

~ (ex's real name)

 

13 days before she broke up with me:

 

Hi sexy! I had so much fun with you this weekend. You are the most amazing man. I love you and I hope you have a wonderful week.

 

~ (ex's real name)

 

right, this is really not logical. everything sounded normal, sweet and in love and then bam! totally changed person.

i am going to suggest something not relevant, it just came to my mind. i watched a lot of drama. when a girl changed like this, one reason is she had encountered something drastic, like she got raped or she realised she had a brain tumour and going to die soon. this will sound more logical.

if there is no valid reason, then truely she has a disorder. even my cat wouldn't suddenly bite me or ignore me suddenly.

as a woman, i do have mood swing too, but my love for my partner always come back after a while.

i think it is a good idea for you to start a new chapter without her. You will heal for sure, keep looking forward. if she does come back one day, see what she has got to say. hopefully that day you had already gotten over her.

GreenPolicy Established Member

GreenPolicy

Posted
Posted
right, this is really not logical. everything sounded normal, sweet and in love and then bam! totally changed person.

i am going to suggest something not relevant, it just came to my mind. i watched a lot of drama. when a girl changed like this, one reason is she had encountered something drastic, like she got raped or she realised she had a brain tumour and going to die soon. this will sound more logical.

if there is no valid reason, then truely she has a disorder. even my cat wouldn't suddenly bite me or ignore me suddenly.

as a woman, i do have mood swing too, but my love for my partner always come back after a while.

i think it is a good idea for you to start a new chapter without her. You will heal for sure, keep looking forward. if she does come back one day, see what she has got to say. hopefully that day you had already gotten over her.

 

That's the one thing I keep struggling with - do I seek out a better explanation than what I got? Maintaining NC has otherwise been pretty easy regardless.

 

I've gotten a lot of advice from family and friends, some contradictory. A few people urged me to go to talk to her parents, but I figured that I wouldn't be able to pry anything out of them either, and it would get back to her that I went behind her back on an information-gathering exercise and she would resent it.

flower88 Member

flower88

Posted
Posted
That's the one thing I keep struggling with - do I seek out a better explanation than what I got? Maintaining NC has otherwise been pretty easy regardless.

 

I've gotten a lot of advice from family and friends, some contradictory. A few people urged me to go to talk to her parents, but I figured that I wouldn't be able to pry anything out of them either, and it would get back to her that I went behind her back on an information-gathering exercise and she would resent it.

 

i think you should just continue with NC, heal and move on. or you can set a time frame like 3 months. if she doesn't come back with a good reason within that time frame, you can start dating others with a peace of mind. this whole thing is truely not your fault. you would probably keep thinking why did she do that. if you had read other people's story, she is not the only one who did this. she is really not a unique case. just conclude she has a serious disorder and get over her. she said she can't keep a relationship for 1 year, my goodness, i am sure you don't want someone like that.

fiat500 Established Member

fiat500

Posted
Posted
Well i cant speak for all guys here. But for me if I've broken up with the girl its because I know 100% she isnt the 1 for me and dont want to carry things on. There have been a few where they have tried to blackmail me back to them which did cement the decision.

It was only until I met my recent ex I've been completely head over heels in love and she ended it with me start of october after 2 years cause she 'thinks' she may have feeligns for someone else. I was/am devastated and I did about 2 weeks of pleading and trying to make her see before going NC. She was always indecisive where as males (not all) are ussualy very content with what they have if they are happy...they don't go analysing things to death or get easily influenced...again i cant speak for everyone here.

I do have a feeling she'll break NC 1 day because our relationship was very close and we shared many great times together, much more so than any other relationship id been in. Whereas for her, I was her first serious relationship.

 

You're right, dont be clingy. The only way he'll regain the way he used to view you is if you become independantly happy and get on with your life. Just how you was before you met him I guess. It won't happen overnight, it'l probably take a while but I dont know what happened between you too.

 

I knew my ex through a friend since last summer but he pursued me in the spring of this year and I kept declining because I knew he was going to live away at college and I told him a relationship would be a burden to him. We are both 24 and I finally gave in because he convinced me that since he wasn't a teenager he'd be able to handle a relationship and going to college at the same time. He was wrong. We had a lot of misunderstandings and miscommunication since he didn't have time to see me anymore and all he wanted to do was communicate with me through FB messenger. I drove up to his university whenever I could and brought him things and then he told me we weren't connecting anymore.

 

Throughout the three months he was there, his language professor flirted with him on his FB wall and I wasn't cool with it. He always defended her saying she was just joking. The last straw for me was when he posted some sappy lyrics on his wall and she responded with "is that for me? :P" so I typed something under her telling my ex that he should give her flowers before he recites it to her. That was it. I didn't attack her. I just told my ex to not forget to give her flowers. There were no exclamation points or faces. Was that really bad? He took offense to it and erased it saying that my comment was stupid.

 

I asked him if he had a problem with me and we got into a long conversation and he told me I was stressing him out and that I was crazy. He brought up one thing I did in the summer and told me that was why he was breaking up with me. The one thing I did in the summer was have a "girl moment" because I wasn't feeling well and it was that time of the month. It never occurred again however. It was an isolated incident. I apologized for it a long time ago however and he brought it up as a main reason as to why he was pulling the plug. This was over facebook messenger. Then he called me the next day to confirm it was a breakup. Awesome of him. So I told him "okay goodbye." and he replied with "no, wait." and we went around in circles and he finally decided again he needed to be single. It was confusing. I did plead a tiny bit but I was a devastated idiot. At least I did not tell him I loved him and not to leave. All I requested was that he not give up on me. I am an idiot.

 

I have disappeared from him since his call. Also today was his birthday and I have remained silent. I need my dignity and I feel like he hates me.

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Capital P Established Member

Capital P

Posted
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Posted

The main reason, and i was a it wasted when i wrote this this morning, for asking this question was that it seems everyone is on here for the same reason.

They got dumped, they went mental , pushed their partner away and handed them all of the power.

Like i was saying. I think at some point i always had a second chance with each girlfriend, once i left them alone.

 

You have to then think thuogh, do you want a relationship with someone who just picks u up and puts you down. Once a few months go past, its unlikely.

 

But has anyone been dumped, accepted it straight away and gone NC. Then followed the rules of limited contact over a period of time and not got a second shot?

 

i thikn you will be surprised how many people have actually had a second chance if they play it right

cerridwen Established Member

cerridwen

Posted
Posted
It's more likely for ex girlfriends to come back after using NC. Doesn't work with ex boyfriends at all.

 

Beg to differ. I've had 3 bfs come back after NC.

I was well over them when they did.

You couldn't PAY me to take any of them back.

And I had really been in love with one of them for awhile too.

bl22 Established Member

bl22

Posted
Posted
The main reason, and i was a it wasted when i wrote this this morning, for asking this question was that it seems everyone is on here for the same reason.

They got dumped, they went mental , pushed their partner away and handed them all of the power.

Like i was saying. I think at some point i always had a second chance with each girlfriend, once i left them alone.

 

 

 

Hey Capital P, are you saying here there has been a time where you made mistakes after the break up but then realised NC is the best way and stil got them coming back eventually?

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Capital P Established Member

Capital P

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Only once. And it was after about a year we met up an she mentioned getting back together. My reaction was mature.

I reached out my thumbs over the table stuck my tongue out , blew a raspbery and gave her a big TWO THUMBS DOOOOWN!!!!

Haha , did that feel good.

Then i spent about a year nearly having sex with her and messing it up lol.

 

If you are looking for the answer "yes, u can mess it up and still get them back" then it depends how much u messed up.

And it depends how long you give it.

I mostly get a second chance with the girls i play right. Which means no angry texting, keeping the emotion completely to yourself and having self control

Who would not be attracted to that?

ccnaboy2000 Established Member

ccnaboy2000

Posted
Posted

Capital P, this is exactly what I'm doing right now im day 7 post breakup. We never fought, she said wants to figure out the problems in our life first (things are a little screwy financially). BUt I went NC immediately, no begging or pleading, sent one text telling her I understand the breakup and respect her decision, and that even thought she wants to be friends I cannot since I have more feelings and if she decides otherwise not to contact me anymore. ANd I went silent.

 

For the past week she was blowing up my phone! I miss you, I love you, I dont know why I want to be single, I still want to be with you we just need to get stuff done in our lives first. Etc Etc.

 

So I hope Im on the right track not caving in to the bait! I do want the second chance with this chick! Ima keep playing my cool.

 

My question to you Capital P. How long has it taken you on average before you get your second chance?

Hhhh Established Member

Hhhh

Posted
Posted
Yeah, I'm starting to feel a tiny bit better. First six weeks - severe separation anxiety. Now, starting to realize the magnitude of how she left me and what it might say about being with her in the future. I don't know what I would do if she did try to come back.

 

I wrote her that letter, a reaching out to you kind of letter, not a begging and pleading letter. And she ignored that too. I would think that if it was infidelity, or something else, just to put me out of my misery, you could email me and say "Look, I got your letter, I understand how you feel, but I made my decision and you need to respect it." It is total bull**** to not write me back. All I ever did was love you and try to bring joy to your life while I shared mine with you. If you want to leave, leave, but don't deny me your humanity and basic decency while doing it.

 

As far as not making mistakes, I knew that in the short term that there was nothing I could do to get her to change her mind, and that generally I needed to give her some space immediately after the breakup. And I did compose letters and emails that I'm glad I didn't send, things that would have been classic breakup mistakes if I had gone through with them. I basically just googled breakup literature and came upon relationship boards and took it from there. It also feels good for my future peace of mind to look back on this relationship and know I was a great boyfriend, I gained a lot of experience and insight into myself, I went through the breakup which made me stronger and wiser, and I have no regrets about the way that it ended because it wasn't my choice, it wasn't my fault when I was willing to work to save it, and I exited it with class, maturity and dignity. She, on the other hand, she will one day have to reckon with how she left me, if not why.

 

I have a long way to getting over this, and my heart still hurts a lot, but after a month of NC, I feel like intellectually I've come to some sort of acceptance and recognition of what happened. It really does make a difference in getting over it. My heart still has a ways to catch up to that though.

 

Hey buddy, I had a year and half relationship and she broke up with me out of the blue as well. She has also ignored when I reached out, I think they rather not deal with the problem and move on sort of like a defense mechanism it's been 3 months for me and I'm going strong. I am content with my life but haven't found happiness but I am sure I will when I'm ready for another relationship.

 

As for for ex's they probably do have issues but there Is nothing we can do if they realize it on their own

alimpo83 Established Member

alimpo83

Posted
Posted

Those text messages look like they came from my phone too. 7 days before we broke up she texted me saying that " I was the man who she wanted to stay forever and that she loved me like she had never loved no one before." And that I was the sweetest guy and the best boyfriend, much better than she would ever hope for!

 

It's a shock, really. But illogical became my favourite word lol.

luckystar1234 New Member

luckystar1234

Posted
Posted

Excuse my ignorance, what is NC?

steammachine Member

steammachine

Posted
Posted

But has anyone been dumped, accepted it straight away and gone NC. Then followed the rules of limited contact over a period of time and not got a second shot?

 

I'm in the middle of it at the moment.

 

Broke up around 3 months ago. NC since the moment I left. We have yet to contact each other since.

 

It was somewhat of a mutual breakup, however she did bring it up, and she was the one who wanted to end it, although I did have somewhat of the same feelings in my mind I was more than happy to continue the relationship.

 

The truth is, I dont want her back. However It would be nice to know that she wanted me back :laugh:

 

Dont get me wrong, its been a rollercoaster ride, but after about 2 months, the rollercoaster has died down.

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Capital P Established Member

Capital P

Posted
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Posted

For the past week she was blowing up my phone! I miss you, I love you, I dont know why I want to be single, I still want to be with you we just need to get stuff done in our lives first. Etc Etc.

 

So I hope Im on the right track not caving in to the bait! I do want the second chance with this chick! Ima keep playing my cool.

 

My question to you Capital P. How long has it taken you on average before you get your second chance?

 

People dont just change their feelings over night. They need some space. If you give it to them, they will be back in about 2/3 months. Thats 2/3 monthss of you playing the game. Having NC and then limited contact until a meet up.

Thing is though, which im sure you all know anyway, it NEVER works second time around anyway. The trust is gone and 90% of the time they will get back with you and the same problems will crop up again, and then they will leave you again

You have lost either way, so start looking out for yourself

dk.bnz.chi Established Member

dk.bnz.chi

Posted
Posted

they will return,just like Schwarzenegger said"i'll be back" ,but i don't know why i'm so happy/sad 2 leave that b..h. lucky me i f..d plenty of girls in between so i'm doing ok.

why do i have 2 bother with trust and other s...t? why?

xeros Member

xeros

Posted
Posted

I'm terrible at NC, I always end up cracking and contacting them!

 

Funnily enough it does seem to work on me, as an ex managed to make me miss her to the point of me giving in and going back out with her. But it was better after that...for a while D:

ccnaboy2000 Established Member

ccnaboy2000

Posted
Posted (edited)
People dont just change their feelings over night. They need some space. If you give it to them, they will be back in about 2/3 months. Thats 2/3 monthss of you playing the game. Having NC and then limited contact until a meet up.

Thing is though, which im sure you all know anyway, it NEVER works second time around anyway. The trust is gone and 90% of the time they will get back with you and the same problems will crop up again, and then they will leave you again

You have lost either way, so start looking out for yourself

 

Yeah, well, we will see if the second time around will/will not work. It ended for one reason alone. I lost my job, income dwindled, and lost my apartment because of this. Things became a very huge struggle,I got depressed and pushed her away a bit. She left because I no longer made her feel secure, and I pushed her away. And I completely understand that. I am trying my best to turn my situation around, which i think would make things better a second time around.

 

She has told me she still wants to be with me, but since she is going through the same sorta crap at the moment she didnt think it would be in our interest to be together until we sort out all the this stuff in our life.

 

I am an old school guy who thinks that if people love each other they stick it through thick and thin times. But she is considerably younger and hasnt dealt with the hardships in life like I have. (she's 20 and I'm 27).

 

But I guess we'll see what comes of it. Her late night I miss you, I love you texts have all stopped as of a couple days ago, and from what I see she seems pretty happy, and looks like she is talking with her ex-bf again. So who knows what the hell. I'm still maintaining no contact. And if I'm right this apparent happiness is just a facade.

 

Ehh in the mean time though I called up an old friend of mine, she wanted to be FWB in the past. So finally took her up on the offer. Kinda tough because I'm thinking about my ex the whole time, but it's helping me keep my feelings more sorted, and its a great stress reliever.

Edited by ccnaboy2000
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