Has anyone actually followed the rules, and not got their partner back

[Capital P]

Im asking this because......Every one of my exes. Even my first one that i made a total dick out of myself with, i have had at some point in my life had another chance with.

My last 2 gfs who eventually broke it off, i ignored them and they ALWAYS came back sniffing around. And that is because im a high value guy, i treated them well, and in the break up i didnt send them horrible messages, act like a dick. I just accepted it and moved on in my desired way.

And that is what is attractive to a woman.

 

All of the guys on here who are going over everything looking for answers .Is there anyone who's gf left them , for NO reason. And i mean, you did not at some point act wussy, start chasing, lost control of the relationship. And you gave them space, and they didnt come back.

Is there anyone on here like that, or are you all here because you at some point turned into a wuss and ****ed up. And ive done it aswell, so there is nothing to be ashamed of

[flower88]

i think your gf comes/came back because you treated them nice.

 

i do not think it is totally because you didn't chase them. well, if my bf is a jerk or has some nasty traits/habits, i wouldn't go back even if he is cool after i broke up with him. i will go back because he is a good guy.

 

i do not think a man should go NC once the gf suggested breaking up. he should care enough to find out why, have a talk if the girl is willing before NC. just my thoughts.

[Leandro]

i do not think a man should go NC once the gf suggested breaking up. he should care enough to find out why, have a talk if the girl is willing before NC. just my thoughts.

Well yea, when the dumper suggests breaking up, I think you should try to work it out. But when they actually break up with you, you should go NC right away. Just my thoughts.

[GreenPolicy]

They don't come back bc of NC. They come back when they realize what they had with you is worth rekindling. NC is about healing, but it has the side benefit of keeping a dumpee from sabotaging a relationship that still has hope and is merely on hiatus. If a dumper has no desire at all to reconcile, NC has no effect on them.

[flower88]

Well yea, when the dumper suggests breaking up, I think you should try to work it out. But when they actually break up with you, you should go NC right away. Just my thoughts.

 

my opinion is NC right away is a mind game. unless the dumper is dumping you for another then i agree NC right away. if it is due to some differences or problem, i think the dumpee should find out why. if the dumper refuses to talk, then yes, NC. just my opinion, there is no right or wrong.

 

also agree that NC is for healing.

[GreenPolicy]

if it is due to some differences or problem, i think the dumpee should find out why. if the dumper refuses to talk, then yes, NC. just my opinion, there is no right or wrong.

 

also agree that NC is for healing.

 

That's why I'm in NC. She refused to have any contact with me further after the day of the breakup. I am grateful that I didn't make hardly any of the classic dumpee breakup mistakes. I sent her flowers once. I wish I hadn't, but that's not going to keep her from coming back if that's what she wants.

[fiat500]

Usually when someone dumps you they tell you why right away even if they're not directly saying it. There's really no reason why you should ask them. The reason why you get dumped is because your partner either didn't feel admired enough and is not interested in you anymore. The latter being the biggest part obviously since they have no desire to continue the relationship.

 

No contact does mostly work for the dumpee but can be used as a weapon against the dumper because you're pushing them away as well. By implementing NC you're not allowing them to hurt you anymore, see you at your most vulnerable, and if used correctly you're not allowing them in.

 

I feel like for this reason it should be used right away.

 

Men and women are obviously different though. NC might be able to get an ex girlfriend back but it might not get an ex boyfriend back.

[flower88]

Men and women are obviously different though. NC might be able to get an ex girlfriend back but it might not get an ex boyfriend back.

 

just curious, how come there is a difference between gf and bf?

 

i think if there is enough love, two persons would get back together after some time.

 

i think NC right away is a learned thing from books or forum like this one. i think very few dumpees can do NC right away, only the experienced one. i can do NC right away myself because i broke up so many times before with the same bf, lol. it took me a number of times to master it.

[flower88]

That's why I'm in NC. She refused to have any contact with me further after the day of the breakup. I am grateful that I didn't make hardly any of the classic dumpee breakup mistakes. I sent her flowers once. I wish I hadn't, but that's not going to keep her from coming back if that's what she wants.

 

if she doesn't wanna talk, NC is definitely the way to go.

 

you only sent the flowers once, no damage done at all. it was a nice gesture.

 

is this the first time you two broke up? if it is the first time, it takes super human power not to make all those dumpee mistakes.

[fiat500]

 

just curious, how come there is a difference between gf and bf?

 

i think if there is enough love, two persons would get back together after some time.

 

i think NC right away is a learned thing from books or forum like this one. i think very few dumpees can do NC right away, only the experienced one. i can do NC right away myself because i broke up so many times before with the same bf, lol. it took me a number of times to master it.

 

I mean there seems to be differences in how a girl ends things with a boyfriend than when a guy ends things with his girlfriend. Different motives, intentions, etc..

[GreenPolicy]

if she doesn't wanna talk, NC is definitely the way to go.

 

you only sent the flowers once, no damage done at all. it was a nice gesture.

 

is this the first time you two broke up? if it is the first time, it takes super human power not to make all those dumpee mistakes.

 

Our first breakup. We were literally looking at wedding rings and I had just told her I had a job interview for a second gig on nights/wkends to pay for a ring. I turn 33 in February, she just turned 31. Like five days before she broke it off, she made a comment about what kind of wedding band she wanted in an email to me. Her parents wanted to meet mine bc she sat them down and told them I was The One. Introduced me to her biological father, something she'd never done with a boyfriend before. Told me all the time I was the best guy she'd ever been with. Her friends sought me out and told me the same thing.

 

It's hard, because there was nothing noticeably different about her behavior leading up to the breakup. And I know she loved me, as love is something you feel from your partner and can't be faked.

 

Thing is, we weren't just bf/gf, we had made a commitment to marry each other. The breakup is just not emotionally consistent with the rest of the relationship. We weren't fighting all the time or carrying on like perfect strangers in each other's company right up to the end.

 

As far as getting back together goes, I am starting to realize how hard it would be to put my trust in her again. And that I don't deserve to endure something like this for love.

 

I was talking about this with my counselor yesterday, how everything about this just seems so bizarre, and how almost everybody I've told my story too agrees that she has some sort of deep-seated emotional issues. And I'm trying to see it from her angle - if I came to her and said that the way she broke up with me is emblematic of deep-seated emotional issues, wouldn't she resent my effort to psychoanalyze her and chalk it off as resentment that she dumped me, as in "You have to be some kind of arrogant to think I have issues because I didn't want to be with you anymore."

 

I'm doing NC for me because I need to heal and get on with my life. At this point in time, I would be inclined to take her back if she was willing to make a long-term commitment to counseling, but I am realistic that it will not happen.

[twinrexes]

As far as following the rules and not getting your partner back, I can think of a situation where that might happen.

 

If you're with someone who's on the rebound from a previous relationship, and they end up going back to that relationship. I've been in a couple of those situations and what's really happening is I'm watching "the rules" work for that other couple, while I get to fill in as the convenience/rebound relationship during their breakup and NC period (which, by the way, can last a few months or more). I suppose if I'd knocked the person's socks off they might have stayed with me but in both cases there was a LOT more history and time invested with the ex, and that's where their heart really was from the get go.

[twinrexes]

They don't come back bc of NC. They come back when they realize what they had with you is worth rekindling. NC is about healing, but it has the side benefit of keeping a dumpee from sabotaging a relationship that still has hope and is merely on hiatus. If a dumper has no desire at all to reconcile, NC has no effect on them.

 

So true...I've had guys go NC after a breakup and I had no desire to contact them because I wanted nothing further to do with them! NC was a gift in those cases.

[flower88]

Hi Greenpolicy, i went to read your other posts about your story. she really left you so out of the blue. please don't mind my opinion, i am just speaking my mind here. i also think she is not acting as a mature adult with a sound mind and heart, and if i were you i would lose confidence and trust in her too. you two dated for 1 year if i am not wrong, i think one year is too short to totally understand a person.

 

or maybe put it simply, she just suddenly freak out. but she doesn't need to act so cruel. i feel that refusing to communicate is cruel, and immature.

 

i find that you are amazing that you didn't make all those mistakes. did you learn it from forums or you just happen to be like that?

 

are you doing better each day now?

[GreenPolicy]

Yeah, one of my best friends had a turbulent relationship with his ex. Towards the end, they weren't getting along great and there were a lot of things about the relationship that he didn't like. So he dumped her. She didn't take it well and got very hostile with him in the immediate aftermath. I know for a fact that he felt much happier and relieved after he dumped her and never once second-guessed his decision.

 

I think for a relationship to get rekindled, the exes have to still have some strong feelings for each other, and some sort of belief on the part of the dumper that they undervalued and underappreciated the relationship by ending it. Off the top of my head, I have observed what you might call three successful reconciliations from immediate family members and friends. But then there are situations where a dumper never looks back. In my situation, I hold out a little bit of hope based on the dynamics of our relationship and that we did both love each other, but things are broken for a reason and I have to move forward on the assumption that the breakup is permanent. I am starting to feel a lot better after 1 month of NC and it's helping me get to a place where I'll be okay whether I hear from her or not. And it's also comforting to know that by not making the typical dumpee mistakes, I walked away with my dignity intact and give myself the best possible chance at reconciling if that's to pass. But the work I did was in the relationship, not after the breakup. It will either pay dividends or it won't.

[GreenPolicy]

Hi Greenpolicy, i went to read your other posts about your story. she really left you so out of the blue. please don't mind my opinion, i am just speaking my mind here. i also think she is not acting as a mature adult with a sound mind and heart, and if i were you i would lose confidence and trust in her too. you two dated for 1 year if i am not wrong, i think one year is too short to totally understand a person.

 

or maybe put it simply, she just suddenly freak out. but she doesn't need to act so cruel. i feel that refusing to communicate is cruel, and immature.

 

i find that you are amazing that you didn't make all those mistakes. did you learn it from forums or you just happen to be like that?

 

are you doing better each day now?

 

Yeah, I'm starting to feel a tiny bit better. First six weeks - severe separation anxiety. Now, starting to realize the magnitude of how she left me and what it might say about being with her in the future. I don't know what I would do if she did try to come back.

 

I wrote her that letter, a reaching out to you kind of letter, not a begging and pleading letter. And she ignored that too. I would think that if it was infidelity, or something else, just to put me out of my misery, you could email me and say "Look, I got your letter, I understand how you feel, but I made my decision and you need to respect it." It is total bull**** to not write me back. All I ever did was love you and try to bring joy to your life while I shared mine with you. If you want to leave, leave, but don't deny me your humanity and basic decency while doing it.

 

As far as not making mistakes, I knew that in the short term that there was nothing I could do to get her to change her mind, and that generally I needed to give her some space immediately after the breakup. And I did compose letters and emails that I'm glad I didn't send, things that would have been classic breakup mistakes if I had gone through with them. I basically just googled breakup literature and came upon relationship boards and took it from there. It also feels good for my future peace of mind to look back on this relationship and know I was a great boyfriend, I gained a lot of experience and insight into myself, I went through the breakup which made me stronger and wiser, and I have no regrets about the way that it ended because it wasn't my choice, it wasn't my fault when I was willing to work to save it, and I exited it with class, maturity and dignity. She, on the other hand, she will one day have to reckon with how she left me, if not why.

 

I have a long way to getting over this, and my heart still hurts a lot, but after a month of NC, I feel like intellectually I've come to some sort of acceptance and recognition of what happened. It really does make a difference in getting over it. My heart still has a ways to catch up to that though.

Edited December 3, 2010 by GreenPolicy

[alimpo83]

I was the dumpee and went NC after a short while after breakup. My ex went a bit nuts and now we had lunch, she was eager to see me (me too, of course). And she told me she didn't like the fact we didn't talk anymore during this time. It messes everyone, believe me. NC is in fact a very powerful method. Either good, or bad, it seems to work. As for the breakup goes, she wanted to "have good times" but not breakup with me. I told her I didn't want a 20 or 30% girlfriend, i wanted the full deal. She didn't expect me to be so tough, and that really messed her up.

 

So,

 

-strong speech

-NC

-Slow approach (lunch)

 

it seems to be working. She wants to have lunch and hang out again "from now on it will always be better", she said.

 

We'll meet up next week.

[dk.bnz.chi]

i got my girl back using "NC" ,but after that she still pursued another guy,so rules or not rules,i think the best rule is 2 trust ur gut.

i have a tattoo on my forearm that says "be a man of value,live strong,trust your instincts. you haven't failed until you quit trying"

[PowerOfOne]

It also feels good for my future peace of mind to look back on this relationship and know I was a great boyfriend, I gained a lot of experience and insight into myself, I went through the breakup which made me stronger and wiser, and I have no regrets about the way that it ended because it wasn't my choice, it wasn't my fault when I was willing to work to save it, and I exited it with class, maturity and dignity. .

 

Well said. That's what I focus on at the moment 2 weeks out from a breakup. The last few months hadn't been great between us for a few reasons but never in our almost 2 years of being together did i treat her with anything other then compassion and love. I can hold my head high knowing i gave it everything i had.

[shocked_confused]

Im asking this because......Every one of my exes. Even my first one that i made a total dick out of myself with, i have had at some point in my life had another chance with.

My last 2 gfs who eventually broke it off, i ignored them and they ALWAYS came back sniffing around. And that is because im a high value guy, i treated them well, and in the break up i didnt send them horrible messages, act like a dick. I just accepted it and moved on in my desired way.

And that is what is attractive to a woman.

 

All of the guys on here who are going over everything looking for answers .Is there anyone who's gf left them , for NO reason. And i mean, you did not at some point act wussy, start chasing, lost control of the relationship. And you gave them space, and they didnt come back.

Is there anyone on here like that, or are you all here because you at some point turned into a wuss and ****ed up. And ive done it aswell, so there is nothing to be ashamed of

 

 

Heyy, well I'm not a guy so my case might be different from yours. My bf broke up with me after 6 years because he moved to a new and exciting place and suddenly wanted to be single/free and enjoy life on his own. This was after 2-3 weeks of being away. We had a good relationship and he even admitted that he had no plans to break up until he got down there.

 

Anyway, this was almost a month ago and we have been NC for more then 2 weeks. He emailed and text me a couple times "to see how was doing" in the first week and a half of the break up, but nothing after that. and I refuse to contact him for my own sake.

 

So, I'll let you know if he comes crawling back in a few months after doing NC...I won't be counting on it and hopefully I've moved on by then.

[fiat500]

It's more likely for ex girlfriends to come back after using NC. Doesn't work with ex boyfriends at all.

[shocked_confused]

It's more likely for ex girlfriends to come back after using NC. Doesn't work with ex boyfriends at all.

 

Really? So when a guy makes a decision its usually final?

 

I don't even know why I want him to come back...maybe for the satisfaction of knowing he made a mistake, i dunnooo. I definitely don't want to be his backup plan, but I want him to second guess himself lol.

[bl22]

I have to agree whenever I've broken up with someone, I've never ever tried to get back with them and never thought ive made a mistake. I believe women are different to men as they tend to analyse things alot more.

[hART]

I've never followed the rules, acted completely psychotic (manic episode) and have never gotten anyone back. I'm trying NC, but after getting very angry with him (he had moved in). Acting sane, following the rules and being nice seems the good way to go.

[fiat500]

I have to agree whenever I've broken up with someone, I've never ever tried to get back with them and never thought ive made a mistake. I believe women are different to men as they tend to analyse things alot more.

 

That's depressing. Bl22, have any of your exes done anything after the breakup to further cement your decision in ending it with them? I'm curious. What would be your number one reason for ending it with a woman?

 

I just want to know because all I talk to is other females about this and it doesn't help. I'd like to know what I'm doing wrong from a man's standpoint and why he chooses to end it.

 

I haven't talked to my ex since he threw me away. I refuse to be clingy