My BPD suffering ex wont leave me alone.

[angelboots]

My BPD suffering ex wont leave me alone.

Hi Im new to this site and basically i have joined it because i am so in need of advice and a place to vent.

 

I met my ex last year and all i can sum it down to is this has been one crazy making relationship. Firstly let me say i love this guy very much, he has a deep side that really rocks my world, but then on the other side he is mean, narcissistic, emotionally and mentally abusive and absolutely draining the life out of me.

 

He plays me hot and cold depending on hes moods and has absolutely broken me some how. He out of no where turned really nasty two months ago and posted a personal video of us on you tube entitled "for all the pain you have caused me" and accused me of being selfish and undescisive in regards to our relationship.

 

I know for a fact i have done nothing but be supportive and bend over backwards for him, i forgave him when he cheated, all the other times he dumped me, when he stood me up TWICE during big work events, he also makes the most ridiculous accusations like telling me i stood him up twice during two work events (he is unemployed so wth).

 

He has ended it and restarted it 8 times in a year and when he ended it two months ago i was absolutely devestaed. things had been going really well, infact better then ever for us and he had been stable and seemingly happy, then bang " welcome to dumpsville, population: you"

 

Any way i can now accept that he isn't worth my time anymore as i cant take the roller coaster ride of emotions and games anymore but he wont leave me alone and its dragging my pain out. He contacts me randomly when he feels alone or wants to flirt and fake apologize but then he is gone again. I dont know what to do to stop thinking and worrying about him. Am i doing the right thing but cutting my loses or does he genuinely want this but not know how to make it work because of hes illness? And how many times can i keep letting hes illness be the excuse for hes bad behavior?

[AlisaMarie]

I just read my own freaking story here! I am on an off cycle with my guy. Listen, you can't use his illness as an excuse for him being a douche. I know that you love him... and when it's good... it's soooooooo good. But when it's bad, he makes you the bad guy and puts it all on you! Then he's sorry and loves you... BUT... and can't forgive you.. (for what?) Who knows because you didn't do anything but love and support him. WOW I am sooo there with you right now.

 

I have been pushed down hard enough by my ex. Sick or not... I deserve better. Someone else can deal with his problems because I begged him to seek therapy and he refused.

 

It's crazy how you can be soooooo in love with someone and actually afraid of what they'll do next at the same time. You have to let him go. It will never change.

 

Have you read up on BPD? Is he diagnosed or are you just suspicious that he has some symptoms?

[angelboots]

He is formerly diagnosed and has been in and out of therapy.. mostly out. Ive been trying no contact now for the past month but he always texts me after three days and wants to "chit chat" about hes course (we are both studying to be youth workers) and its like i cant help myself, i always extend the olive branch only to get my hopes up that he means what he says "i miss you, i still have feelings for you, are you seeing anyone, i dont want you to see anyone" I end up caving and confessing i feel the same and apologizing for any role i played in hes feeling that way and "poof" he is gone again. Not once has he actually said i love you and i was a dick and i want us to sort it out.

 

The one period where i didn't reply he went nuts at my cell begging and pleading to talk but of course as soon as he made me admit i missed him too he was gone again.

 

I feel like I am stuck on a merry go round. I have periods of hating him so much for all the nasty stuff he has done, then i miss the future we had planned and the support he sometimes was when times got tough for me this year. I need no conact and to stick with it. have you tried NC and how did it work for you? thank you for taking time to reply, i so needed to know im not alone in feeling like this

[AlisaMarie]

He is formerly diagnosed and has been in and out of therapy.. mostly out. Ive been trying no contact now for the past month but he always texts me after three days and wants to "chit chat" about hes course (we are both studying to be youth workers) and its like i cant help myself, i always extend the olive branch only to get my hopes up that he means what he says "i miss you, i still have feelings for you, are you seeing anyone, i dont want you to see anyone" I end up caving and confessing i feel the same and apologizing for any role i played in hes feeling that way and "poof" he is gone again. Not once has he actually said i love you and i was a dick and i want us to sort it out.

 

The one period where i didn't reply he went nuts at my cell begging and pleading to talk but of course as soon as he made me admit i missed him too he was gone again.

 

I feel like I am stuck on a merry go round. I have periods of hating him so much for all the nasty stuff he has done, then i miss the future we had planned and the support he sometimes was when times got tough for me this year. I need no conact and to stick with it. have you tried NC and how did it work for you? thank you for taking time to reply, i so needed to know im not alone in feeling like this

Well, like you... it was a marry go round for 5 months. Same stuff, "are you seeing anyone" like after a week of us breaking up! He would also text me and accuse me of "whoring around." Even though I remained faithful when we were apart, he couldn't believe me. He didn't believe anything that came out of my mouth. Just like that... he'd want me back... and we'd be fine, for a very short while. One time we got back together for an hour! I mean it's just sick! The longest he went without contacting me was 2 weeks. Before that... he would text me and show up at my door for ANY stupid reason. It's terrible. Like you I was nothing but great and supportive, but somehow my love got backfired and I was always the bad one, out to hurt him. He HATED me for things that I did before we met! (not even really bad things) He hated my friends because they were all low lives that were going to "take me from him." Let me tell you... I would and still would do ANYTHING for this person. I have NO idea why. I am going on 8 days NC. But BPDs may latch on to something new rather quickly. He hasn't expired all of his anger out on you yet so another girl may or may not be in the picture. You have become a trigger of hate for him (or that's what I read about BPD) and it gets so bad for them that you may never get them back to how it was.

 

Your only hope is to ignore him and tell him the ONLY way you will even consider being with him is if he stays in therapy and stays consistent with it. Therapy is seriously your only hope. Otherwise, he'll shmoose someone new and attach himself. She'll think he's a hero and he'll bash you to her. It's just what they do. I really wish I would have never met my ex. Even though when he was great he was great... the pain he caused to me was surly not worth it. Keep me posted on how things are going. I'd like to keep up with you since we are in similar situations.

Edited December 3, 2010 by AlisaMarie

[angelboots]

WOW....

 

Ok yep i think we were dating the same guy some how lol what you have said mirrors my ex exactly. I am going to start no contact as of right now. I know i need it for my own sanity but you are right i feel EXACTLY the same about also knowing i would run in to save him at any point.

 

I was constanly accused of everything he was doing. If i went for drinks with the girls my phone would nearly blow up with accusations and in the end i stopped going out, but i messaged him once when he went out with the boys "i hope your having a good night, its good to see you finally getting out and about" and bang i got dumped for two days lol why? because i was needy and paranoid.... um ok ???

 

sometimes he really does seem to hate me for no reason, ive tried every way to comfort him even when i know its not me at ALL but he will just attack me more. The night he posted the video i was telling him how much i loved him and was worried about him WHILE he downlaoded it and posted it to my friends.

 

the latest lot of abuse has been him calling me a germ, parasite, whore, bitch. I never cheated not on anyone and still i am not even looking at other guys, yet he is out at the club every weekend trying to pick up. it just goes on and on and on and i want to get off the ride now lol How are you finding no contact?

Edited December 3, 2010 by angelboots

[AlisaMarie]

WOW....

 

Ok yep i think we were dating the same guy some how lol what you have said mirrors my ex exactly. I am going to start no contact as of right now. I know i need it for my own sanity but you are right i feel EXACTLY the same about also knowing i would run in to save him at any point.

 

I was constanly accused of everything he was doing. If i went for drinks with the girls my phone would nearly blow up with accusations and in the end i stopped going out, but i messaged him once when he went out with the boys "i hope your having a good night, its good to see you finally getting out and about" and bang i got dumped for two days lol why? because i was needy and paranoid.... um ok ???

 

sometimes he really does seem to hate me for no reason, ive tried every way to comfort him even when i know its not me at ALL but he will just attack me more. The night he posted the video i was telling him how much i loved him and was worried about him WHILE he downlaoded it and posted it to my friends.

 

the latest lot of abuse has been him calling me a germ, parasite, whore, bitch. I never cheated not on anyone and still i am not even looking at other guys, yet he is out at the club every weekend trying to pick up. it just goes on and on and on and i want to get off the ride now lol How are you finding no contact?

Ahhh! I am a slut, whore, monster, you name it! He put down my friends and family. (yet he loved me so much and was always afraid I would leave and find someone better.) Yes... it seems as if he HATES me. They find a trigger... anything... to hate us. Then all of the sudden they love us so much and their life doesn't exist without us. It doesn't make sense to us but it tears us apart! Sadly, I am the one in therapy. It's crap! No contact is sooooooooo hard. I think he found someone new to mirror and she is giving him the attention that he needs. She has not triggered him yet but I can rest assure that she will. It's only a matter of time. He hasn't contacted me in 8 days. I feel so lost and empty- BUT WHY? He pulled some real scumbag moves and blamed me. Did he ever pull the "you make me want to kill myself" card on you? Wow, what have I done to have this effect on someone? This is quite possibly the hardest breakup I have ever been through to be honest with you.

[AlisaMarie]

How long does he go between contacting you? Days, weeks? Did you say that you weren't responding now?

[angelboots]

he at most goes three days and i have been responding, i Know i need to stop replying but last night i broke my resolve because he messaged me from a club and told me he had used ice... something he always claimed to hate... then asked me not to "hook up with anyone because it would hurt him"... wth...... it was almost like he was trying to blame the fact he used drugs against me now some how.

 

I completely understand your pain and confusion, I am feeling it too. I keep wanting to run in and save him from himself but he only lets me get so close before he runs again.

Yup Ive gotten the "i want to hurt myself sooo bad thanks to you" messages. That one blew me away to because i was hurting so bad myself with out him and i hadnt had that thought, as he was the one who ended it, and i couldnt help but feel even worse for hes pain.

 

Its almost like he knows exactly what to say to hurt me. I honestly dont think my ex has found anyone else yet and that is why he is still at me so often and nothing more then that, as soon as the conversation steers towards ACTUALLY doing something to make reconciliation possible he turns nasty again and says i am demanding.....

 

I think therapy is a good idea and have made myself an appointment next week. Now I have to try to get through today not messaging him to see if he is ok. I already know if i did i he would ignore it and me or just start some rant about him using drugs is my fault because i have "hurt him sooo bad" **sigh** what a mess :-(

[angelboots]

i think the only thing we can do is try to remember we didnt "create" these guys and we are NOT responsible for their actions and just slowly try to heal ourselves. I feel if i could put half as much time healing myself as i tried to put into healing him things would be so much easier to deal with during this break up.

[lolabunny22]

My ex has yet to of been diagnosed with BPD to my knowledge but all the things you're saying sounds just like him. Your wording of the 'other side' is spot on. My ex does the same garbage, yells at me he hates me when he cheated on his girlfriend and I told her. Then 5 days later he's back around begging for more. I tell again, he leaves and says 'I feel so much better now that you're gone forever' leaves for two days then im's me out of the blue to bitch me out for something I didnt do then tries to friend zone me.

 

Today I am back to day one of NO CONTACT. I know that I need to stop this because, as you said this is emotionally draining and the 'illness' shouldnt be an excuse

 

My story: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t253152/

[AlisaMarie]

My ex has yet to of been diagnosed with BPD to my knowledge but all the things you're saying sounds just like him. Your wording of the 'other side' is spot on. My ex does the same garbage, yells at me he hates me when he cheated on his girlfriend and I told her. Then 5 days later he's back around begging for more. I tell again, he leaves and says 'I feel so much better now that you're gone forever' leaves for two days then im's me out of the blue to bitch me out for something I didnt do then tries to friend zone me.

 

Today I am back to day one of NO CONTACT. I know that I need to stop this because, as you said this is emotionally draining and the 'illness' shouldnt be an excuse

 

My story: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t253152/

I so agree. With or without BPD, we were still treated like ****! We all have some sort of mental problem and I refuse to use his for an excuse for his careless douchey ways. I am going to read your story.

[angelboots]

hey sweet, i read your story, your ex is definitely an ass hat. I saw the way people were being quite dismissive due to your age, but even at 17 you are capable of feeling real anguish and confusion over a break up (yeah im training to be a youth worker lol)

 

Your ex is definitely a jerk and no contact really is the only option,

 

the "/;'," message was hes way of seeing if you were still pining over him but shows a serious lack of effort on hes behalf to even find that out, he knew if you responded, he was still "in"

 

He is definitely trying to have hes cake and eat it too, he is fully enjoying having two girls acting "crazy" about him and every time you message him back it feeds hes ego. I know its going to be hard because you go to school together, but dont talk to him at all, if he tries to get your attention, raise your eyebrows at him, turn and walk away. Let him see you laughing with your friends, hanging out with other guys and just generally being ok...

 

this isn't to be used as a ploy to get him back... YOU REALLY DONT WANT HIM BACK... as soon as you let your guard down and let him come back he will run away again. But more to show him that you aren't going to be "anybodies" back up girl.

 

Make time for your friends, take up a hobby, pamper yourself so you feel and look your best.. time will heal you. im sorry your hurting so bad what a complete jerk you deserve better.

[lolabunny22]

Yeah, it's actually kinda fortunate we don't go to school together.

Ya know? Because I dont get to see them together and have to deal with her being in lala land about the whole situation. She chooses to ignore what he did and not feel mad at him for cheating, it's really silly.

 

I'm trying so hard to keep no contact as im back to day one. Part of me wants to help him with the fact he's bipolar but I can't and I feel bad to this little girl who has no idea.

[angelboots]

It might be a good idea if your parents organised some counselling for you or maybe you could even speak to your school counselor before you do try anti depressants.

 

I know it feels weird at first to open up to professionals but they really have been there and done that themselves, there is nothing you can tell them that they would judge you for, and they might be able to help you find your feet again.. your first heart break is always a painful experience, it shatters your beliefs on love and your own self image.

 

But talking about it really helps, also journaling, when you feel like contacting your ex, grab a book and write down all the stuff u want to say to him, then rip it up or burn it (some where safe) to symbolically "get rid of the words" that you need to get out. I still remember my first big break up, i was 19 and had been with my ex for three years... it messed me up for a long time as he was violent and i didn't know better.

 

counselling really helped me. The fact hes girlfriend is 14 means she will more then likely flick him for someone else at a later date. do you remember the boys you liked or dated at 14? look at them now and you will see how little true emotion you felt at that age.

 

As for wanting to save him from hes illness, AlisaMarie and i can attest to the fact that you cant.. no one can, he needs to do that for himself. your not responsible for him, hes family is.

[lolabunny22]

It might be a good idea if your parents organised some counselling for you or maybe you could even speak to your school counselor before you do try anti depressants.

 

I know it feels weird at first to open up to professionals but they really have been there and done that themselves, there is nothing you can tell them that they would judge you for, and they might be able to help you find your feet again.. your first heart break is always a painful experience, it shatters your beliefs on love and your own self image.

 

But talking about it really helps, also journaling, when you feel like contacting your ex, grab a book and write down all the stuff u want to say to him, then rip it up or burn it (some where safe) to symbolically "get rid of the words" that you need to get out. I still remember my first big break up, i was 19 and had been with my ex for three years... it messed me up for a long time as he was violent and i didn't know better.

 

counselling really helped me. The fact hes girlfriend is 14 means she will more then likely flick him for someone else at a later date. do you remember the boys you liked or dated at 14? look at them now and you will see how little true emotion you felt at that age.

 

As for wanting to save him from hes illness, AlisaMarie and i can attest to the fact that you cant.. no one can, he needs to do that for himself. your not responsible for him, hes family is.

I completely agree, I actually was keeping a journal at the five day mark and then he spoke to me and I stopped. I do want to start again. This whole situation has put my life in what feels like a chaotic cycle. I need to understand he just seems not to care for me, and yes I remember being 14 and going through the motions and never really understanding the concept of having a boyfriend which is what she's going through, they dont hold hands rarely kiss and when they are around each other they dont even act as if they are dating. Maybe, I told her everything to try and 'save' her which ya know I can't seem to do, she's just gonna have to come to the realization herself once the mood swings are show. I mean, they can't even 'date date' because her mother hates him. He doesn't even drive her to and from school, when he's sick he's talking to me. In the moments he turned around and came back to me it really seemed like maybe he missed me, and sometimes I just wanna blow up in his face and scream at him but he doesn't even have the courage to man up and atleast give me that one thing. Instead, he stays an hour away and if he plans to come here, which I said if he doesn't come alone i'll call the cops then he needs to grow the hell up and talk to me one on one and let me just say everything I wanna say so I dont feel like im texting the air and venting my heart out to a brick wall..