thatsonlyme Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 Awwwww, I'm in ranting mood today! Rants are good, they help others learn from one's mistakes. Anyway, some of you probably remember my situation, break up, devastation and desperation in following months. No contact, low contact, I tried it all. I had my ups and downs, I moved few times and then my ex decided to move to LA leaving me with two apartment leases. So I had to sublet my new apartment and decided to move back to my old place with a roommate. I moved in yesterday, against all advices I was given by my friends. Everybody told me it will be hard to deal with all the memories but I ignored it because I was doing soooo good! I started enjoying my life and I didn't miss my ex anymore. Well, last night I spent my first night in our old apartment and memories just started flooding again! Today my roommate went to work and now I'm alone in my apartment. Not a very pleasant feeling I must say. Almost nothing changed, our souvenirs, photos, even most of her clothes is all still here. It feels like she could walk in the door any moment, we'll watch movies, drink wine and cuddle up in bed together afterward. I don't really feel pain, I just started thinking about past way more than I'd like to. It will pass I know, but I hate those temporary set backs. At least I can't say my life is boring...
alwayshoping Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 I love the thread title! Very funny and made me chuckle! Anyways, its just a temp set back! Make the place into your own! Before you know it, some lucky lady will be able to put her stuff there and settle down with you for wine film and snuggles! ps i like you summing up, when lifes not boring you know your living it right! Keep up the good work x
ShatteredReality Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 It takes time...there are always setbacks...try remembering the bad things to help yourself out of your slump. You have a great way with words - I am sure you don't have a shortage of friends! Even though you're sad - you still have your sense of humor - so that's also very good...get out a little...it'll take a little bit for the apt to become your own again, box up her SH and put it somewhere, remove objects that both you too much until you're ready to deal with them...you don't need to completely redo the place, but getting rid of some of the more immediate reminders definitely would help.
Author thatsonlyme Posted December 3, 2010 Author Posted December 3, 2010 Thanks for all the kind words. What I love about this forum is that everybody is supportive and sympathetic towards each others' pain and trouble. IT took a lot of work and tears to get to this point where I really feel "normal" and have positive outlook on my life. I think it happened to me pretty fast considering my whole situation and countless threads where people can't move on for many months or even years. I hope my example gives you all courage and shows you that it's possible to move on if you really want to. @alwayshoping, I believe somebody will get into my life soon, I think I'm ready and I appear capable of attracting girls. That gives me hope and will to carry on. I know it will take a lot of work, but positive attitude definitely helps! @shatteredreality, the funny thing is, bad things have faded out of my memory, but it's ok, I already feel a lot better now, it was just a moment of weakness caused by great amount of good memories in a place we called home. Now all I need is to build new memories in my old/new home, just like I did with the rest of the places that reminded me of her. I'm definitely going to box all souvenirs and other things that could get me down, again against all advices from other people who told me to throw it all out! Nope, maybe she destroyed our future together but I'm not going to let her ruin MY past! Nope. I want to remember my life and I want to have things to remind me of places I visited. As for the friends, I have to admit that my social life is improving. It's a slow process but considering the fact that I completely abandoned my social life because of her, I think I'm doing great! Positive attitude is contagious and it's working to my advantage! I go out whenever I can, sometimes even alone if I have nobody to go with. I have my little routine now, every Sunday I go to the Borders for a cup of coffee and a good book. I just sit there and enjoy my time, it feels really good. Many of my friends are married so that's additional problem, but still I manage to have eventful Saturdays. The rest of the week is just work. I work nights so I can't really go out much but I'm working on changing that. and for all of you Trekkie's, set coordinates for better life, warp 9. Engage
IfiKnewThen Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 oh you ppl crack me up. forgive me i know this is a serious thread. BUT you do have a way with words and are funny or the situation IS awkward. the star log thing was funny and appropriate too i might add. this is a journey. bet we've all wished someone would beam us up too. i am amazed that you are back in that apartment but it all makes perfect sense. this is a prime example of our economy and the things we have to do to survive today. it's hard enough juggling 1 apartment/place. i dont know, maybe that didnt have to do with the economy (lol). i am tired while reading this ..its 2:30 est usa. there was a time i used to avoid a song that reminded me of the an ex. then i decided rewrite the song with a different experience. or there was a time a certain article of clothing would remind me of a time with the ex. so i had to rewrite the clothing too. ( is that possible? yes) what i mean is..i will wear something that had a good memory with the ex, and go somewhere and create a new good memory and remember that wonderful time with the clothing. it could be visiting family. then when i would see lets say, that dress again, i would remember the new good memory and get it to over ride the old one. same with music. and it doesn't have to be with a person. do something that makes you feel good and proud on your own. so, i guess you can do the same thing with an apartment. create all good new memories and experiences. the apartment might be a bit more of a challenge. but its the same concept...like i just read...you can look at a books face/cover but then when you turn it, you see the sides.. see it from a different angle. (or something like that) anyway you have to look at it like that or you'll go mad lol and have no clothes , and no place to live. so good job. and at least your now facing things when those feelings and memories are unearthed again... because these things tend to surface somewhere along the line again anyway. and it might be at a less opportune time. maybe being there will expedite your going through feelings that subconsciously emerge later anyway. trying to be positive here. i guess it's all how you look at things. also....quote: I want to remember my life and I want to have things to remind me of places I visited. omg i can seriously relate to that. i have kept so many memories along the way throughout the years of my life. the special things..that made me feel good. even if it was once upon a time. i don't want to forget either. not the good things anyway. i have old love letter from old loves. etc. but some things do need to be discarded. once when i was young i had these big old snow skiing pants that looked like marsh mellow pants on steriods. and my mom wanted me to throw them out, because i never used them anymore and they didnt fit. i had them for years. and i told her i wasnt going to throw them out...that i MIGHT go snow skiing again someday (yeah right never did) and they might fit again someday (um never did either). and then i said to her....well i just want to keep them for security. then my wise mother said...no......that's insecurity. she was right, it was time to get rid of them
IfiKnewThen Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 and for all of you Trekkie's, set coordinates for better life, warp 9. Engage hehe
Sonolumino Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 Shatner: "Scotty...I, think that...my ex..is definitely...a bitch..." spoken in the only way he can deliver lines And good for you man!
ShatteredReality Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 See right there - you're great...love the Warp line...OHHHHH how I wish I could have warped to the next part of life at different times! You are doing GREAT! I totally get the moment of weakness thing. And I don't mean to have you focus on the negative of the relationship past...but instead the realism. After the fact we tend to romanticise these things...forget all the reasons it went wrong and why we're not together anymore. When all the good memories outdo the bad ones we feel the pain of loss. It's all normal to mourn the death of a relationship - we go through the stages as if someone has died. It helps, though, to remember that it wasn't as perfect as we're making it out to be in the aftermath. I love that you're making new memories for yourself also. It's so difficult sometimes. I had a boyfriend for 2 yrs in highschool, I begged him for a year and a half before the break up to take me to this waterfall at night...thought it sounded SO romantic. We went up there one night, finally, but didn't bring a flashlight (we were SO smart right?) and couldn't see to walk the trail to the water...so we turned back and went and saw a movie instead. Well, the following year I went to my Sr prom with the guy I wound up marrying - and I wore the same jewelry I had worn the previous year that night of the waterfall - it was the only "fancy" stuff I had. I had told my date about the waterfall and how pretty it's supposed to be at night. He Offered to take me there after the dance...I briefly thought that I shouldn't because it would be reliving a different moment with someone else and how unfair that would be. We didn't go that night, but when I thought about it, there was no reason to not go to a waterfall just because I was with someone new. I could make entirely new memories there that had nothing to do with the guy before him. I eventually took him up there and made sure we made it a new memory for just us. (still haven't gone at night though - LOL) Sorry - I know it's long...I ramble...point is - you're doing VERY well. Continue to see the lonely moments as strengthening and recognize your "moments of weakness" for what they are - moving forward all the time. Having married friends when you're single can suck...but you'll be the friend who your married guy friends envy for your "freedom". And always compliment their wives on their cooking - you'll be invited back if you do! lol
Author thatsonlyme Posted December 3, 2010 Author Posted December 3, 2010 "we go through the stages as if someone has died." tell me about it... Sometimes I feel embarrassed to say but this pain was waaay worse than the pain when my father died I guess it was easier to accept his death because I knew it was not his choice. I like the waterfall story and I know how it feels when all the dreams you had with your ex suddenly become your own and you feel bad about living them with somebody else. I'll probably feel weird at first going to our favorite movie theater with my next girlfriend or even just having a joyride with her through the city but I'm not going to stop enjoying things and places because of somebody who's not worth it. this is where the time will certainly help. unfortunately we have to get there at impulse speed because Scotty has messed up our warp engines . Thanks for the "compliment the cooking" tip, I'll make sure I compliment their HUSBAND'S cooking LOL. Married women usually have single friends but meeting them is a slow process. I have this one friend who's enjoying the role of my personal pimp and she always talks about me to her single friends. She even got the phone number from the girl she met at the plane few weeks ago and yesterday they met but I couldn't make it. To tell the truth, I'm enjoying my single life at the moment and I'm not sure if I really want a girlfriend at this point. I'll make sure to wait for the right one to come along. The only problem is, we all have our physical needs and I'm not ONS kind of guy. Yeah, believe it or not, there are guy like me out there who prefer relationships over NSA encounters . Any gurls interested in a nice guy, pm me for the phone number LOL
ShatteredReality Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 Well I don't have a clue where you live....but if I did I'd totally tell some of my single girlfriends about you. I also have no clue how old you are - another little hiccup in that plan...I have single friends who range in age from 17 (most likely not legal for you) to 65 (Perhaps a little older than you're looking for?) and all the decades between. LOL...I'm social. And I know what you mean about mourning the relationship more than the loss of a loved one...it's the difference between that choice or not. The rejection involved in the break up of a relationship adds to that pain - morphs it into something more than just loss...not to mention it's a blow to the self esteem. You're doing well though, so that's a good thing! As for the enjoying the single life bit. Yes. Enjoy it. Physical needs aside (it's so great that you're not a ONS kind of guy - though I understand the frustrations that can bring) It's good to really become comfortable enjoying time with the ONE person you will NEVER get rid of while you are alive - YOU. Since You seem like a pretty cool guy - shouldn't be too tough for you to accomplish. Good luck on your healing and keep up the good work!!
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