Grass is Greener Syndrome

[GreenPolicy]

Is this about specifically leaving for somebody else? Or when somebody feels like they've reached a place of stagnation in their relationship and begin to wonder if they're better off apart and pursuing other things, even if they don't have a specific person in mind to replace their soon-to-be ex?

 

I've been reading up a lot on GIGS and some of what I read ties it to infidelity and other literature seems to tie it to restlessness and dissatisfaction that comes from within. They may take up with somebody soon after leaving you, but they didn't necessarily leave you for somebody else specifically.

[carhill]

IMO, GIGS can be one *impetus*, of many, for infidelity. It can also be an impetus to divorce, abandonment, and a host of other relationship issues. The keys to the puzzle lie within the psychology of the person experiencing the dynamic. Their history, their boundaries, their buttons, their choices. A MLC IMO is a form of GIGS which might be contained completely within a monogamous M. Much depends on the partners.

 

Regardless of the resultant actions, the person who acts bears responsibility for their role in the relationship and its ultimate success or failure. A 'crisis' or a 'syndrome' isn't the responsible party; a human is.

[kheart]

I think it is when they leave you for someone else. Usually, they think that they will be better off with that person because you no longer satisfy their needs. And the other person brings more to the table. hmmm. But the good thing is, after spending ample time with that person, getting to know them which might take months or years and then problem arises, that is when they see, the grass is not GREENER at the other side.

 

It happened to my me. after 12 years of marriage, my ex said that I had too many flaws and he was not into me anymore. he said "we're not compatible". he went with someone else and that person was very demanding and controlling. after 7 months, they broke up and he dated others. he realized that the grass is not GREENER but it is too late.

[starryeyed12]

From what I've seen, this starts off as restlessness and dissatisfaction within a person, and those feelings can sometimes manifest themselves as an act of infidelity.

 

Having the mindset that "the grass is greener" usually indicates that you are dissatified internally with something external (marriage, job, body, ect.). And while in this current state, you compare or match yourself up to things that you interpret as better suited.

 

IMO,the GIG mindset is a coping mechanism for people who are unhappy with something, yet have not taken proper measures to address and work on said issues. For some people it's easier to just adopt this mindset than fix the real problem, which, in truth, may only be coming from your self and not the external factors.

 

If someone decides to, for example, leave a relationship with this mindset, they may or may not come out of their prior situation any happier or well-off than before.

Edited December 2, 2010 by starryeyed12

[GreenPolicy]

From what I've seen, this starts off as restlessness and dissatisfaction within a person, and those feelings can sometimes manifest themselves as an act of infidelity.

 

Having the mindset that "the grass is greener" usually indicates that you are dissatified internally with something external (marriage, job, body, ect.). And while in this current state, you compare or match yourself up to things that you interpret as better suited.

 

IMO,the GIG mindset is a coping mechanism for people who are unhappy with something, yet have not taken proper measures to address and work on said issues. For some people it's easier to just adopt this mindset than fix the real problem, which, in truth, may only be coming from your self and not the external factors.

 

If someone decides to, for example, leave a relationship with this mindset, they may or may not come out of their prior situation any happier or well-off than before.

 

Long story short for me is that we were looking at rings together, I had just told her that I had a job interview for a nights/weekends to pay for the ring, her parents wanted to meet mine since they thought I'd be their son-in law, she had told me throughout it was the best relationship she'd ever had, none of hers had lasted more than a year, and she broke things off two weeks shy of our 1-year anniversary, right as we were about to take a much bigger step.

 

I knew she loved me, because when somebody loves you, you feel it. And I've thought about infidelity, but I don't think that's it either, because her recent behavior didn't really fit the profile of the classic warning signs. It's been almost seven weeks since the breakup, and I'm five weeks into NC, so for all I know she could be pursuing a rebound situation and already be involved with somebody else. But in my gut I don't think she left me specifically for someone else.

 

I'll say I was blindsided because I did not sense any obvious pulling away or drifting apart, or strange behavior right before that infidelity would explain. Her basic explanation was "I don't think I can love you the way you want to be loved or need to be loved, when you give me compliments I don't feel like that person on the inside, I've never been in a relationship longer than a year and I always do this, I woke up this week with a funny feeling that something didn't feel quite right, and I can't be in a relationship right now."

 

GIGS and pre-formal engagement anxiety seems to make a lot of sense, since her explanation didn't. Her biological father left her mom when she was pregnant and urged her to abort, her mom's on her third marriage, and her older sister told her she married for security and not love. It's obvious in retrospect that she had some significant issues with self esteem and insecurity. She told me she still loved me and I was everything she ever wanted in a man, but she couldn't get married and couldn't be in a relationship.

[achokshi]

Okay I'm not sure why I'm responding to this since I don't know what you mean by GIGS and stuff but I can tell you that I am suffering from this "Grass is Greener" mindset. I cheated on my gf once a couple months ago, and it messed me up emotionally. I never thought I was capable of it, and even though it was just a kiss, I became cold, depressed, and anxious. I didn't feel the love for my gf anymore so I had to break it off. I envisioned myself becomign happy with a supermodel type girl with a kick ass job as I went off to college. Now that I'm here and don't have her, I am regretting it 100%. However, I know if I go back to her I will be looking for other girls again. I screwed myself up mentally, I can't hold a conversation with a girl, I get anxious and think about how cute and amazing my ex's personality was. I think I wasn't satisfied sexually, but she was my first love and it was my first relationship, first sexual encounter. Now I picture her having a great time at college having sex with guys, although I know she isn't that kind of girl, I envision it.

 

I am sort of in a rut, I can't even think about another girl right now, no sex drive, no connection when I talk to anyone. I know if I got back together with her right now all this would go away, but I'd have a problem with my relationship. Now she's over me, and I still think we're gonna get back together. I'm just waiting for the status on fb to change. Sorry for hijacking this thread, but I honestly believe that the whole grass is greener syndrome is all about finding inner peace. I am insecure, depressed, and anxious as a freshman in college, and this is the worst experience of my life. I can't stop thhinking about our past history where I was so in love. So in my case, the grass is always greener on the other side, and this can lead to a detrimental way of living life. I have to do some soul searching and figure out what is going on with me.

[starryeyed12]

I'm sorry, Green, that sounds terrible.

 

You may very well be correct in your explaination of her actions, but one thing is clear- she has emotional issues. The red flag is raised when she goes from saying you are the best she's ever had to leaving you alone and baffled with, as you've described, little in between. Whether there was cheating, GIGS, anxiety due to her background or her nature, or even plain old immaturity, it just isn't consistent of an emotionally healthy individual to do that, unless, you made some sort sudden and drastic change yourself.

 

Sometimes people feel "ready" for marriage at different times than the other. I think thats normal, but you don't just run off into the night because your partner felt ready and you did not.

 

This may have been a blessing in disguise for you. She doesn't seem able to cope with relationship issues or her changing emotions, and she also seems to lack the communication to express herself and her concerns properly. Those are big no, no's for the long haul. Love is a b*$#%, but I think you can do better.

[GreenPolicy]

I'm sorry, Green, that sounds terrible.

 

You may very well be correct in your explaination of her actions, but one thing is clear- she has emotional issues. The red flag is raised when she goes from saying you are the best she's ever had to leaving you alone and baffled with, as you've described, little in between. Whether there was cheating, GIGS, anxiety due to her background or her nature, or even plain old immaturity, it just isn't consistent of an emotionally healthy individual to do that, unless, you made some sort sudden and drastic change yourself.

 

Sometimes people feel "ready" for marriage at different times than the other. I think thats normal, but you don't just run off into the night because your partner felt ready and you did not.

 

This may have been a blessing in disguise for you. She doesn't seem able to cope with relationship issues or her changing emotions, and she also seems to lack the communication to express herself and her concerns properly. Those are big no, no's for the long haul. Love is a b*$#%, but I think you can do better.

 

I can assure you that from my perspective, our relationship seemed very strong until she walked into my apt and broke things off. That's why I'm so baffled. I've seen friends of mine who broke up after not getting along or obvious drifting apart. Those kind of breakups you see happening in slow motion.

 

The first 10 months it was really great. We never fought or argued and always seemed to resolve our conflicts in a mature and adult way before it reached the yelling stage. There is a reason why she told me it was the best relationship she'd ever had. That's why it's so baffling how she broke things off the way she did, because I had never seen emotional instability or obvious immaturity.

 

The last month before she broke things off, things were still very, very good. I noticed we had a few more testy exchanges than normal, lovemaking had ebbed from once a week to every other week, but again, it seemed unfathomable to me that our relationship was on shaky ground. And the last two weeks before she broke it off, it really seemed like things were back to great again instead of very, very good. It would be easier to understand if we had been fighting a lot or just completely drifting apart. But the relationship even at its worst moment was still to me a happy, fulfilling and loving one. I suppose that the last month was her pulling away a little bit and beginning to contemplate breaking up, because they say these decisions are not made overnight.

 

But the more I contemplate the breakup, the more I realize that these are her issues and not my fault. It's just hard, because the person I was with for almost a year was a wonderful person that I fell in love with, and the person who left me is not somebody that I recognize at all. But they exist within the same soul, and even if she did come back around, that would be a wrenching decision, not a happy occasion: do I go for a second chance at companionship with somebody who I loved and cared about deeply and brought me so much joy, knowing that this person hurt me so deeply and has to be considered capable of doing it again?

[carhill]

OP, if her family history does not mirror your own, I'll advise caution, with her or in the future with someone else. Understanding and acceptance are large parts of success in marriage. If one doesn't possess the circumstance and life experiences to adequately 'get' where the other has been, it can be a prelude to many issues. PMC can help with clarity and hopefully the partners will gain greater 'get' as a result.

 

I can tell you that I will never again marry nor consider a LTR with a woman of dissimilar familial and/or social background. No prejudice and no way

[GreenPolicy]

OP, if her family history does not mirror your own, I'll advise caution, with her or in the future with someone else. Understanding and acceptance are large parts of success in marriage. If one doesn't possess the circumstance and life experiences to adequately 'get' where the other has been, it can be a prelude to many issues. PMC can help with clarity and hopefully the partners will gain greater 'get' as a result.

 

I can tell you that I will never again marry nor consider a LTR with a woman of dissimilar familial and/or social background. No prejudice and no way

 

Funny you mention counseling. Thankfully she left my apt before I really lost my composure and did something to sacrifice my dignity. As soon as she left, I started bawling hysterically and called my friend to come meet me. And even in those first few moments of hysterics, I remember telling him that after the way she just left me, there's no way we could get back together without some sort of couples counseling.

 

It's been 47 days since the BU, 31 days of NC. She has maintained complete radio silence since that day. I sent her flowers a week afterwards with a note that said "I love you, I miss you, my heart aches for you." No response. A week later she changed her status on fb to single, so I deleted her as a friend and wrote a snail letter: Basically said I respected her decision, but the way it went down was hurtful. I said I understood getting married could be scary, but we could always slow things down and take it slower. And I was open to reconciliation through couples counseling, but I couldn't wait around forever for her and had to get on with my life. No response to that either. I never called, emailed, texted, IM'd, showed up at her doorstep. I feel good that I left things with my dignity intact.

[starryeyed12]

Aw, good for you! I wish I was as strong as you in a BU. I get an epic fail for BUs. haha

 

Be proud of yourself!

[starryeyed12]

But they exist within the same soul, and even if she did come back around, that would be a wrenching decision, not a happy occasion: do I go for a second chance at companionship with somebody who I loved and cared about deeply and brought me so much joy, knowing that this person hurt me so deeply and has to be considered capable of doing it again?

 

I'd say, only if she goes through A LOT of counseling and you truly sense a dramatic change in her emotional well-being and communication skills.

 

Otherwise, you're just ordering yourself up another dose of HEARTACHE. Trust me, I'm a doctor....not really. But I do have experience in second (and third and fouth and 55th) chances, and they are usually not worth it. I would say no.

[carhill]

OP, IMO, the really critical life lesson is that, regardless of circumstances, propriety or health, we are each individual creatures and, no matter how intimate we get, there are always aspects of the other which will be unknown to us. Her way of 'ending' with you likely has much precedence in her history and family. Perhaps, to you, it makes no sense but, to her, it is as completely normal as breathing each day. You got a taste of her unknowns. It's great information

 

The really good news is, by not marrying her, those unknowns won't later be claiming your life's work. Imagine this circumstance couched in the dynamic of children, custody, support, alimony and property settlement. Yowza

[starryeyed12]

Regardless of circumstances, propriety or health, we are each individual creatures and, no matter how intimate we get, there are always aspects of the other which will be unknown to us.

 

Word, Carhill.

 

As much as you think you know a person, you also don't. One more reason why you need to love yourself first and then another, and always be open for growth and change.

 

It's also an aspect of GIGS. You think you know what you have or don't have compared to another, but you really have no idea.

[Crazy Juice]

GIGS and pre-formal engagement anxiety seems to make a lot of sense, since her explanation didn't. Her biological father left her mom when she was pregnant and urged her to abort, her mom's on her third marriage, and her older sister told her she married for security and not love. It's obvious in retrospect that she had some significant issues with self esteem and insecurity. She told me she still loved me and I was everything she ever wanted in a man, but she couldn't get married and couldn't be in a relationship.

 

If you have ever read "Emotional Intelligence" by Daniel Goleman, a large proportion of his books goes into the dynamics of how as we go through childhood our experiences with our parents and how they bring us up, how we subconsciously develop from the experiences we are exposed to, form a large part of how we interact with other adults and how we deal with relationships later on in life.

 

I mention this as if she comes from a broken home and has had an experience of her biological dad leaving her, these experiences will be subconsciously programmed in her mind as abandonment issues which may have led to her leaving when engagement was on the cards.

 

This is a similar situation to my own after proposing - having dated for 4 years! and her saying yes - she left me a month later after meeting someone else. I have realised that her parents who were both prone to affairs, has played a massive part in where I am now. There is obviously more to every story but these aspects are interesting to understand.