Heartbreak, dating again but not going well !

[mike04]

I badly need someone to talk to, friends are so busy, and this seems like a good place so please read and respond!

 

My story: I dated a girl coming off of a 6 year relationship where she was cheated on twice and her ex ended up in jail for doing stupid things. We hit it off, and after about 4 months fell very much in love with each other. This love lasted about 3 months, when she woke up one day and decided she was confused and we needed to be friends. Now, I did nothing wrong, so obviously I can't kick myself for what happened. It was completely out of nowhere though. In fact she had told me she loved me the night before. Apparently she had been confusing her love for me for what she had with her ex. This completely shattered my heart. 3 days later, she calls me and obviously regretted what she did and we have been dating ever since (about 3.5 months so far).

 

Over time I've realized that I don't fully love her anymore, but I do still have very strong feelings for her. The problem is that she doesn't do anything for me, and I'm not talking about sex at all. When we hang out it's always very fun for both of us, but I get 0 signs from her that she actually likes me as more than a friend. I feel like I am doing a 1 person tango, dating her while she is just friends with me but she calls it "dating". Meanwhile there is a guy who does expensive work on her car for seemingly nothing in return from her. New breaks, transmission, clutch, oil leak, etc it has been going on for a while and it seems like every week she has something new done to her car. She is extremely poor and can barely afford rent, plus she owes me money for helping her out with a car payment. I think she is seeing this guy on the side, although she has told me she's not into him because he has 2 kids. If she's not into him, why does she keep accepting these expensive gifts from him? She could be seeing him on the side, I don't know, it's really not my business to ask since we are just "dating". Although, I've come to realize that it's the same situation with myself. I give her everything I can and get nothing in return. Maybe I am no different to her than this car repair guy.

 

I am in hell emotionally. I've tried as hard as my willpower would allow to give her more time and space. I feel trapped in a cage of my own mind. All I want to do is talk to her, but I can't because I know she needs space. I've been going to therapy about it for a while, and both myself and my therapist have realized that this is tearing me apart and it is extremely unhealthy for me. I've never been more angry, depressed, and anxious in my entire life. I wrote down a lot of things I want to say to her and told her we needed to talk yesterday, but she backed out at the last minute. We rescheduled our talk for tomorrow.

 

It seems obvious that telling her how I feel and breaking up with her is the right thing to do. But, in the back of my mind I just know I am going to regret it. What if I just didn't talk to her for a while and things worked out? Would I even be able to handle not talking to her for a while? I think I have reached my breaking point and this needs to be done before I completely lose my mind, or am I just weak? This option of me taking action and ending it on my terms could really help me out. And if she really does like me, maybe she could wake up one day and actually decide to put effort into a relationship and give me a call. Right now though, there just is no effort from her and it hurts more than the breakup did. I think the only reason she still hangs out with me is because she likes me very much as a friend and doesn't want to lose me as a friend, but she knows I want more than friendship so she calls it "dating" to make me feel like it's more. If we broke up, we wouldn't be friends because that wouldn't be fair to me, and I know that will hurt her very much. Anyway, the cat is out of the bag and I don't think I can back out from talking to her now.

 

So please help with any advice or comfort you can give me. I am so depressed and I cry every day. I really thought this was the right girl for me once upon a time. Maybe she still is and maybe she isn't. I've invested so much, but it's like poker you gotta know when to fold even if you have a good portion of your stack in the pot, right?

Edited December 2, 2010 by mike04

[confused31]

Here's the thing man. The central problem in your situation is that "you dont know." You don't know if she wants to be with you, you dont know if you do, you dont know what you should do, etc.

 

Unfortunately right now, you're "girlfriend" knows, or at least can sense how you're feeling. She also subconsciously knows she has the power in your relationship. She knows that when/if she wants to show you affection, she can and you'll love it. She also knows/thinks she can be "just friends" with you, and guess what, you'll just accept it because thats what you have been doing.

 

It feels like you have to confront this person and stand up for yourself. But believe me, having a conversation about it before you are firm where you stand is not a good idea. I've tried to give my ex-girlfriend an ultimatum, but when she didnt respond the way I wanted her to, I wasnt so tough anymore.

 

Here's the key. You're not comfortable. You don't trust anything in your relationship. When something good happens, you're thinking "just wait, it wont last." Another negative symptom from getting back together is you just wait for her to suddenly break up with you again. And you overanalyze her actions. And you look VERY insecure.

 

What you need to do is explain to her what you're telling us here. You don't need to surprise her with a breakup. Try to talk to her. If she doesnt want to talk about it, fine, if your comfort is worth taking just a moment to talk about, then is this relationship really worth it? You don't need to give up, but you need to fight for yourself here. Don't think you're taking the high-road by keeping your mouth shut.

 

If you do decide to break-up with her, maybe just maybe, thats the kick in the ass she needs to realize what she has in you. Or maybe its what you need to realize she was just using you, and now youre free. Either way, dont stand still, get moving doing something constructive in regards to this. Thats the only way to make progress

[mike04]

Ty for the reply. U bring up a lot of good points. But I have been debating this for months and I think I should dump her before I hurt myself even more. If it kicks her into changing... Great. If not... Maybe this wasnt meant to be. I have pushed her so far away already and saying I needed to talk only made it worse. I dont think she can see me as bf material anymore. So either we take a break or I dump her

[mike04]

update: after a whole day of not talking to her and really thinking hard about it. I'm not ready to do something I might regret. Also, I don't want to meet up and talk to her because I told her I would give her space and it is just too soon.

 

So, I called her and left her a voicemail because her phone is dead and apologized about asking to meet up and talk, told her that we should take a little break because we both obviously need time, couple weeks, til my birthday which is coming up. I think she will really like hearing my vmail tomorrow and it will really show that I am capable of giving her a lot more space than I have given recently. Now the hard part of NO CONTACT. If she's worth it, I can muster up the best of my willpower and follow through with it. If all goes to plan and she shows up for my bday, awesome. If not, then she just isn't the girl for me, and then I will finally know for sure.

 

Good idea/bad idea? Thanks in advance I really appreciate the advice

[confused31]

The only way you'll get this girl back is by not talking to her and letting her know you're moving on without her. I'm not saying it will work, but that's the ONLY way it would. She has to feel a loss of some sort resulting from being away from you. This would be the only way she realizes that she made a mistake. If you keep being around and available, whats the point? She can have you when she wants you, or when her new fling wears off or whatever.

[mike04]

you make it sound like she is totally gone but she isn't. I think you are exactly right in how I over-analyzed all of her actions and made myself look insecure in the process. In her mind, I bet she thinks I want to see her every day and be with her all the time. By suggesting a break I think I really changed that. Also, she might think that the "talk" I wanted to have was about breaking up with her. These are both good things in my opinion. Also, when I told her we should take a break I thought she would respond with "let's just be friends" but she didn't. She took it well. She told me she really wants to hang out on my bday and even asked me my shoe size, I think she is going to buy me snowboarding boots. I'm going to be able to use that as motivation to get through this no contact period.

 

Although, I have a feeling she is going to continue to talk to me, should I ignore her? Then there is the whole facebook issue. Obviously I shouldn't defriend her or block her, but should I stop with status updates entirely so she has nothing to comment on or "like"? I'm going to hide all updates from her and try to block her page from my router to help myself through this. Also, a great suggestion from my therapist was to write down things I don't like about her. I'm definitely going to work on that right now. That way, if things don't work out it won't hurt as bad and i'll be able to move on easier.

 

Anyway thanks a lot so far for the advice. I know I haven't followed it to the "T" but it got me out of doing something I probably would have really regretted.