emz82 Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 Hi i have another thread in the flirting/cheating part of this site but i thought me asking about tips for self esteem would be better here.I have very low self esteem and also suffer from anxiety so i worry alot.Has anyone got any tips that has helped boost there self esteem or get rid of anxiety?Could you please share? Thanks x
ConstantCraving Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 (edited) Hi i have another thread in the flirting/cheating part of this site but i thought me asking about tips for self esteem would be better here.I have very low self esteem and also suffer from anxiety so i worry alot.Has anyone got any tips that has helped boost there self esteem or get rid of anxiety?Could you please share? Thanks x I think alot of people imagine that they have self-esteem issues, when really they have specific practical problems that need fixing. For example, if a short, fat woman with a moustache went to her friend crying that she was fat, ugly and that men didn't want her, how should the friend respond? Should she say "Don't be so hard on yourself. You are a wonderful person. You are a great catch. Any man would be lucky to have you."? No. That would be the worst friend ever! What she needs to hear is: "There is nothing wrong with you as a person, but your physical appearance appears to be a deal breaker for men. Wax your moustache off. Style your hair. Get some less frumpy clothes and LOSE WEIGHT." Same principle with me. If I'm bummed out about not being in work, it doesn't help to have some prick suggest that my self-worth is low. However, I might benefit from some specific job-hunting advice. Edited December 2, 2010 by ConstantCraving poor grammar
Author emz82 Posted December 2, 2010 Author Posted December 2, 2010 I think alot of people imagine that they have self-esteem issues, when really they have specific practical problems that need fixing. For example, if a short, fat woman with a moustache went to her friend crying that she was fat, ugly and that men didn't want her, how should the friend respond? Should she say "Don't be so hard on yourself. You are a wonderful person. You are a great catch. Any man would be lucky to have you."? No. That would be the worst friend ever! What she needs to hear is: "There is nothing wrong with you as a person, but your physical appearance appears to be a deal breaker for men. Wax your moustache off. Style your hair. Get some less frumpy clothes and LOSE WEIGHT." Same principle with me. If I'm bummed out about not being in work, it doesn't help to have some prick suggest that my self-worth is low. However, I might benefit from some specific job-hunting advice. thats the thing though im not fat or anything i just generally need to work on how i view myself because its only me that has the problem..i dont think im good enough,pretty enough etc even though i do get complimented ive been like it since i was at school..now its gone too far its ruining my life
ConstantCraving Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 thats the thing though im not fat or anything i just generally need to work on how i view myself because its only me that has the problem..i dont think im good enough,pretty enough etc even though i do get complimented ive been like it since i was at school..now its gone too far its ruining my life It sounds to me that you're afraid of someone else making a negative evaluation of you. Let's imagine that you lived alone on a desert island. Would you still feel unworthy? There would be no-one around to judge you then would there? Developing a realistic view of ourselves isn't easy because people are often biased. For example, my mother thinks I'm handsome. Do I believe her? What about my ex girlfriend? What about some random person on the street? I'm not saying we shouldn't care about other people's evaluations at all, but let's remember that they only have limited relevance.
thatsonlyme Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 thats the thing though im not fat or anything i just generally need to work on how i view myself because its only me that has the problem..i dont think im good enough,pretty enough etc even though i do get complimented ive been like it since i was at school..now its gone too far its ruining my life I agree with constantcraving for the most part. losing weight and taking care of yourself can make wonders, but there is another, maybe even more important part of the equation, the one that's probably the hardest to change: smile and positive attitude! I went through small self esteem crisis after my ex left me and that was not fun place to be. Then I decided to turn the things around. First I started with smile. I had no reason to smile at that time but I forced it on and I smiled, sometimes even in front of the mirror. I started saying positive things to myself, again in front of the mirror. You may start wondering if you're going nuts at this point but don't worry, most people talk to themselves. final step is, have fun! I used to go out and just pretend to have fun but deep inside my heart was breaking, but eventually I got to the point when I started having genuine fun. People react to you better when you're fun to be around. Opposite sex finds you more attractive too. as I mentioned somewhere earlier, my ex was hot or at east most people thought so. in fact, she was not that pretty and her body had flaws too. it was all about her appearance and personality. you can't please everybody so don't even bother trying. enjoy who you are and good things will follow, I promise!
Author emz82 Posted December 3, 2010 Author Posted December 3, 2010 It sounds to me that you're afraid of someone else making a negative evaluation of you. Let's imagine that you lived alone on a desert island. Would you still feel unworthy? There would be no-one around to judge you then would there? Developing a realistic view of ourselves isn't easy because people are often biased. For example, my mother thinks I'm handsome. Do I believe her? What about my ex girlfriend? What about some random person on the street? I'm not saying we shouldn't care about other people's evaluations at all, but let's remember that they only have limited relevance. to be honest if i was on my own i wouldnt be as bothered as i am now...i seem to be so worried that my bf finds me unattractive and that other people dont like me that it has sort of taken me over.I strive so hard to please other people instead of myself maybe thats where im going wrong. I do seem to have major issues with the looks department though.Im a size 10 (uk) and im not ugly but i obsess with small things such as if i have spots n bla bla.I seem to have developed this skin picking thing too which isnt doing any good i usually do it when stressed and dont even realise im doing it my scalp i mean.(discusting i know) Also when i was at school i had bad acne which didnt help things so im constantly picking the skin on my face everytime i have a mirror :S thatsonlyme - I agree with you.The weird thing is most my friends dont even realise im like this.Im the one whos always happy and offering advice to others trying to help n stuff.I do love to have fun,and i do its just when im not doing anything my thoughts take over or something reminds me then i worry and think more then worry more I do have other stresses in my life at the minute and there not helping but there out of my control really.My mum has well gone abit weird shes pretending to be loopy when shes not because she wants attention.Its been like that a year.Ive had to distance myself from her which hurts me because shes been in and out of the d2 ward (psychiatric).Shes tried to set her house on fire and also tried to stab a policeman.I have a little boy and cant risk him around her.None of this is helping me and with my low self esteem and anxiety its just becoming worse because of it all.I know i sound awful for distancing myself but shes very good at getting me to do things i dont want.She asked to move in with me and it killed me to say no but if i didnt social services could get involved with my little boy.Shes been asking alsorts of me and i just cant do it anymore.
jerryhill Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 very intresting... anxiety in a relationship makes you do weird things... But with love and affection all of this fall ins place... I am grateful that you took up this topic
Feelin Frisky Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 I wouldn't objectify "losing weight" as an automatic. Instead a better suggestion I think regardless of ones weight is to try to have some significant exercise built into your routine. Exercise let's you oxygenate your brain much more than anything else and that helps people feel a measure of mental strength. You'll feel better on your frame from increased exercise and your posture will get a lift. You'd be surprised if you don't already do these things how they add up--even if you don't think they've dramatically affected your appearance. They affect your feeling of "power" and whether or not you act affirmatively or tend to opt out of things.
Author emz82 Posted December 14, 2010 Author Posted December 14, 2010 I wouldn't objectify "losing weight" as an automatic. Instead a better suggestion I think regardless of ones weight is to try to have some significant exercise built into your routine. Exercise let's you oxygenate your brain much more than anything else and that helps people feel a measure of mental strength. You'll feel better on your frame from increased exercise and your posture will get a lift. You'd be surprised if you don't already do these things how they add up--even if you don't think they've dramatically affected your appearance. They affect your feeling of "power" and whether or not you act affirmatively or tend to opt out of things. the thing is i walk everywhere i get plenty of excercise maybe some aerobics would help a little more with the anxiety but tbh my mind will always say different what ever i look like i used to be overweight.Now im at a reasonable weight my bmi is fine and people seem interested in me..men in an attractive sorta way and men and women they like me and want to talk to me and stuff..the only problem is me ..my head still thinks im that ugly ,spotty. fat person from school who was shy and couldnt speak to anyone...I feel worthless and cant get out of the habit. Now on the outside im really friendly will do anything for anyone even to the point it hurts myself..I have no confidence in myself at all.I darent say no to people incase they think bad of me.i worry constantly what people will think if i do anything they dont agree with its a nightmare.Dont get me wrong i love helping people but sometimes i do things that makes me miserable..that isnt right is it?
michaelk Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 I think it's odd that so many here are focusing on issues of appearance when you said nothing about that in your post. Self-esteem issues do not necessarily mean that someone just needs to exercise or wax their facial hair! I have had problems since my late 20s with anxiety. I have spend a great deal of time in therapy dealing with it and its underlying causes. One of these turns out to be perfectionism. When I was a child, I only got positive attention when I did exceptionally well in school. I learned to create an unrealistically high standard of performance for myself. At the same time, I got into a pattern of trying to make people like me by showing how smart I was or how well I could do things, because that was what I had learned from my relationship with my parents. Unfortunately, this has the opposite effect - something I learned only after many years of finding it hard to make friends. My perfectionism also led to my anxiety problems when I found that I couldn't live up to my own unrealistic expectations. Your circumstances are no doubt different than mine, but maybe some of this resonates with you? The source of your anxiety is probably a combination of having to deal with your mother's problems and the stress from worrying about whether people will like you or not. We all need to learn how to relax and be comfortable with ourselves, regardless of what others around us think. And ironically, when you do this you actually increase the chances that people will look positively on you. When you're withdrawn because of a low self-image, people pick up on that. They're much more likely to respond in a positive way to you if you bring a positive self-image to the table. This is easier said than done, though. You should consider counseling for your issues. I think you'll find that both the anxiety and self-image problems will be helped by therapy. I've learned to identify anxiety before it becomes a problem, and to control it. You can do this as well. There are self-hypnosis techniques (controlled breathing, visualization) that can bring you down from an anxious state. Any good counselor/therapist can teach these to you. You can tackle these problems and make yourself much happier in the process. Best wishes! MK
mystical.one Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 More often than not, self esteem issues arise due to past trauma. Sometimes counseling is the only advice to offer.
Feelin Frisky Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 the thing is i walk everywhere i get plenty of excercise maybe some aerobics would help a little more with the anxiety but tbh my mind will always say different what ever i look like i used to be overweight.Now im at a reasonable weight my bmi is fine and people seem interested in me..men in an attractive sorta way and men and women they like me and want to talk to me and stuff..the only problem is me ..my head still thinks im that ugly ,spotty. fat person from school who was shy and couldnt speak to anyone...I feel worthless and cant get out of the habit. Now on the outside im really friendly will do anything for anyone even to the point it hurts myself..I have no confidence in myself at all.I darent say no to people incase they think bad of me.i worry constantly what people will think if i do anything they dont agree with its a nightmare.Dont get me wrong i love helping people but sometimes i do things that makes me miserable..that isnt right is it? Perhaps you might consider that "anxiety" is chemical first an foremost. You don't feel anxiety without a chemistry to make that feeling so. You may have what I have--too much "feeling", so much so that I can get angry at people for "making me feel" things I feel I shouldn't have to. The only way that has worked for me to deal with this flood of worry, fight or flight anxiety is proper medication. History has it that people regularly self-medicate for this with all manner of substance. Science and medicine have zeroed in on the chemical dimension and provided real medicine to treat the chemistry so a person can be far less plagued by over-sensitivities. It's a strong thing these days to go see a doctor and see if medication can help you achieve your goals.
Author emz82 Posted December 18, 2010 Author Posted December 18, 2010 Perhaps you might consider that "anxiety" is chemical first an foremost. You don't feel anxiety without a chemistry to make that feeling so. You may have what I have--too much "feeling", so much so that I can get angry at people for "making me feel" things I feel I shouldn't have to. The only way that has worked for me to deal with this flood of worry, fight or flight anxiety is proper medication. History has it that people regularly self-medicate for this with all manner of substance. Science and medicine have zeroed in on the chemical dimension and provided real medicine to treat the chemistry so a person can be far less plagued by over-sensitivities. It's a strong thing these days to go see a doctor and see if medication can help you achieve your goals. i do have feelings that trigger the anxiety..the anxiety seems to come when ive been out because i worry my bf has been talking to other women or flirting with them and that hes been looking at porn (ive posted another thread about this) or if i upset or annoy someone ..i want to make ppl happy however hard i try it doesnt happen..if i do one thing it upsets someone else..to most people it doesnt even matter what i want! so i just try n make others happy which= unhappiness in at least someone ive forgotton what i want tbh .. i had an arguement wiv my bf today because he was listening to music channels and we was having a laugh and stuff i asked for one song to be kept on he made a big thing of it and isnt talking to me now.he told me to have the remote n put on everything i wanted...i didnt ask for that i only asked for one song..im confused :S i seem to **** everything up ..i cry about most things because im always wrong i hate myself right now
melodramatic Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 1. You should stop thinking about negative things about yourself. Be positive! 2. Don't let yourself get caught up in tearing others down behind their backs. 3. Enjoy something you do well like hobbies, sports etc.. 4. Make a list of all the things you accomplished so you can visualize and you'll still remember that you've done something good in your life. Don't worry your not the only one who's experiencing it me too
creighton0123 Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 More often than not, self esteem issues arise due to past trauma. Sometimes counseling is the only advice to offer. This. There's nothing wrong with counseling/therapy. You sound like you have past, unknown triggers regarding self image and anxiety. A good therapist can help you work through those.
jean-luc sisko Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 thats the thing though im not fat or anything i just generally need to work on how i view myself because its only me that has the problem..i dont think im good enough,pretty enough etc even though i do get complimented ive been like it since i was at school..now its gone too far its ruining my life It seems you rely too much on the validation of others. IMO, self-esteem is simply accepting the positive aspects one has and feeling proud of them. What are good at, or excel in?
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