Author Sarah1977 Posted December 4, 2010 Author Posted December 4, 2010 Also stop mentioning the baby bird thing. That's really off-putting. lol, you think so? Try living it!
waynesworld Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 And here are some of the qualities of the sexual performers: -Direct, assertive, take charge. -Almost always initiating. -No shame about their desires and sexuality. -No erectile issues whatsoever. -Endless endurance, all-night marathons, multiple times a day, fun and different locations. -Reliably great in bed, consistent. -Devouring me, grabbing me, totally enveloping me with his body. -Eager to try new things, not worried about messing up. If things go weird, we laugh it off and revert to something known. I was having a pretty 'blah' day until I read this. This is hot. I love it when women know exactly what they want and aren't shy about it.
GoodOnPaper Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 Smart, sensitive, sweet guys (great husbands and fathers) might bring the throw-down in bed occasionally, but in my experience, it is NOT consistent, and overall, this is very disappointing. So it seems that a guy is the lowest form of life if he has good husband/father qualities . . . why mate with them at all? Having played the smart-guy role my whole life, I would definitely handle things differently if I'm ever single again. I certainly wouldn't commit my husband/father qualities and skills to a woman unless she was fully committed to me physically -- any issues with my "ineptitude" would be an instant dealbreaker.
LittleTiger Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 (edited) There's just no total package, that's all. And honestly, at my age, I don't expect there to be. I was just curious as to which I should sacrifice: the physical chemistry or the mental. Sarah, I have to categorically disagree with you. I think I have walked a mile or two in your shoes so I can completely empathise. My marriage was probably similar to yours - 14 yrs together and 10 of them married. Great friends and companions, lots in common but we weren't sexually compatible. When I split from my ex I knew exactly what I was looking for and it seemed impossible.......but please, trust me, give it time. The bad boy/nice guy thing is just a myth. Your judgement is clouded by your marriage. You DO NOT have to choose between physical or mental chemistry. You CAN have both. You can have everything you want. Next year I'm going to marry an attractive, intelligent, university educated man who is also funny, kind, sensitive, loves animals, photography and nature - we are perfect for each other and he's the best friend I have ever had. He is a perfect gentleman (even my Mum is 'in love' with him) and in the bedroom, he's an 'animal'. He treats me like a princess in public and a sex goddess/wh*re in private. We're both 45 so I don't think age is a barrier to finding this. Restrict yourself to intelligent men, Sarah, because that's obviously what you need and it's easier to 'see' from the outside, but look for 'a twinkle in the eye' - that's the best way I can describe it. Edited December 5, 2010 by LittleTiger
Knittress Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 Just wanted to throw some more weight on the optimism pile. I'm currently seeing a warmhearted PhD student who throws me around like a caveman. So... yeah - this dichotomy is all in your head.
Ruby Slippers Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 So it seems that a guy is the lowest form of life if he has good husband/father qualities . . . why mate with them at all? Having played the smart-guy role my whole life, I would definitely handle things differently if I'm ever single again. I certainly wouldn't commit my husband/father qualities and skills to a woman unless she was fully committed to me physically -- any issues with my "ineptitude" would be an instant dealbreaker. You can add attitudes like this to the list. In my experience, the sexual performers are usually completely open to feedback and willing to try new things to improve the sex. They don't take it personally if you request new or different things, but see it as a challenge and an opportunity to please you even more -- and of course, in the process, please themselves. The nice guys take any feedback on sexual performance as criticism, get their feelings hurt, and usually pull away. They might come back in a few days or weeks and make an attempt, but if things don't go perfectly, they freeze up and abandon the effort. They might even accuse the woman of being oversexed, a sex addict, etc., in a transparent defensive maneuver. Look, some women don't care that much about sex and aren't that great at it themselves, so they aren't going to give a hoot if their guy doesn't reliably bring the throw-down. I am just not one of those women. The couple of stories in this thread about men with... the whole package... are heartening. I'm sure they are out there. My feeling is that they are rare. Since LittleTiger mentioned her guy is 45, I wonder if older men are more balanced. It makes sense. So maybe I should stop ruling out men over 40. I started a new job a month ago, and I get flirted with (in a sweet way) by a lot of the guys I work with. The ones I enjoy the most are those 40+. They make no attempt to shroud the fact that they are flirting, but somehow, the way they do it is respectful, confident, and elegant. There's this one guy who has already been married, had his kids, and divorced, I believe, and I totally want him. Every time we have a meeting together, go to the lunch room together, whatever, he comes right up to me and just lights me up like a lightbulb. He's definitely a gentleman. And I'll bet he brings the throw-down. Definitely has the "twinkle in his eye" look you mentioned, Tiger! I like that. And I totally know what you're talking about!!
sumdude Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 I think every man has the caveman inside of him. But depending on how he was raised, his experiences and beliefs about sex he can end up repressed in that department.
Hopeful30 Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 Personally, mental chemistry is what intrigues me the most. A guy can be unattractive to me, but if when he opens his mouth he is intellectual, intelligent and engages in very interested conversation, I will feel myself incredibly attracted to him, and the physical won't be so bad. If I meet an attractive man, but he can't carry a decent conversation and isn't up to my level (not that i'm smarter, but we aren't on the same page) then I won't be able to sleep with him. I won't feel attracted, even if physically he is good looking.
krz12 Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 There's a term for that. I kid I kid. I totally understand. You want a gentleman out of bed and a bad boy in bed. Good luck finding that... Hmm. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eSPhCS-15eE
hART Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 The man I had the most chemistry was a geeky latin guy, both physically and mentally. I've been with smart guys who are amazing and can last, but it gets repetitive. They were both *******s, even if they had their good qualities. The strongest mental connection I had with a man was the worst sexual experience of my life and it ruined our friendship permanently. So, yes there are intelligent men who are good in bed, but they use it as an excuse to be *******s. My problem is I'm a mysterious moody artist type and my type is the smart playboy, who usually don't stay with my type. So yes, smart men who are good exist, but they aren't always good partners.
dispatch3d Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 The nice guys take any feedback on sexual performance as criticism, get their feelings hurt, and usually pull away. They might come back in a few days or weeks and make an attempt, but if things don't go perfectly, they freeze up and abandon the effort. They might even accuse the woman of being oversexed, a sex addict, etc., in a transparent defensive maneuver. This is a really good observation and one of the reasons this is probably something women have to figure out (rather than men). So the problem is they can't handle criticism. How can you present things more positively so that it doesn't come off as criticism but instead comes off as encouragement?
carhill Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 I'm unclear. Is 'is it in yet?' or 'did you come?' or 'wow, that was fast' feedback I should have been upset about? You mean I missed an opportunity to be a nice guy? Cr@p.
zengirl Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 It's not a "belief." It is my experience. Like I said, I married a smart guy. And I didn't have an orgasm for 10 years. I've also slept with a lot of guys who bored me to tears outside of the bedroom, but rocked my world when our clothes were off. These are just the sorts of guys I find myself with. Both groups are perfectly acceptable mates. But neither are the total package FOR ME. So, I'm just going to have to sacrifice something. But don't we all have to sacrifice SOMETHING? Not like that, we don't. You do have to sacrifice perfection, but your partner should pleasure you in bed and you should be interested in having a conversation with them. Those two things together are pretty much a bare minimum on what people ought to ask, not some sort of amazing form of perfection. Honestly, unless what you want in bed is a true outlier (like something 90-something percentage of the population would find utterly disgusting---which it really doesn't sound like is the case), I think this is more a mental block that is leading you not to seem like an acceptable mate/not to notice the men who would be BOTH. I believe such men are out there for you, and I also believe you when you say you aren't dating them. Then again, you said you aren't young, so perhaps both age (These guys already got taken, or a lot of them did, so they seem more scarce) and generation (Men---and women---of previous generations had more sexual hangups than men of my generation, on average). OK, I think with some smart guys, they try to hide their desire for you. It's like they don't want to come off as pervy or something. They'll say 'you're beautiful,' but they won't ever say 'you're sexy.' They'll avoid looking at certain parts of your body, etc. They always compliment things like your eyes or smile. Safe things. What I've noticed with the more sensual guys is they will level you with a stare. You can tell from their gaze that they want you. This is a big turn on. Every girl like to feel sexy every now and again, right? We can't be pretty-pretty all the time. Also these guys aren't afraid to call you 'hot' or compliment certain parts of your body. The sensual also don't fidget and act nervous before they kiss you. They just grab you and kiss you. A lot of times out of the blue. I've noticed that a lot of really sensual guys also bite my lips or pull my hair when they kiss me. If you kind of murmur, "I'm not sure if this is right..." with a smart guy, he will back off of you like you just set his fingers on fire! If you do that with a sensual guy, he will say something like, "It is right. I want you. Etc, etc." They understand the difference between date rape and a girl who just need a bit of 'convincing.' I can't speak too much to the personality of a sensual guy because they are less about personality. They are more about action. They don't usually try to touch me on an intellectual level...but more on an animalistic level. Does this make sense at all? I think in the beginning, you may be right about these smart, nice guys. It's just manners. I don't think that necessarily reads onto how they'll be in bed once you're more intimate, and I think perhaps you're building some assumptions there. Just because a man is a gentleman with a woman who he's just getting to know---and because he fully wants to be respectful and not come on too strong---doesn't mean he wouldn't be adventurous and dirty in bed once he actually was intimate, committed, and connected to the woman. I think there are many human beings---male and female, though perhaps people only assume women are this way---who evolve their sexual relationships with a partner over time. And by "time," I mean, by the time you've had sex once or twice and been open about what you dig, these guys might be jumping all over it. Just because they don't want to push you into it on an early date doesn't mean they don't have the prowess or the sexuality underneath their kind manners. But I get what you're saying. I also think it depends when you're talking. Some guys -- especially nice guys with manners -- won't take out those sex-filled eyes until they know you're "theirs" essentially. The nice guys take any feedback on sexual performance as criticism, get their feelings hurt, and usually pull away. They might come back in a few days or weeks and make an attempt, but if things don't go perfectly, they freeze up and abandon the effort. They might even accuse the woman of being oversexed, a sex addict, etc., in a transparent defensive maneuver. That's not been my experience with nice guys, and guys that accuse ladies of being oversexed because they feel insecure. . . Well, they don't sound that "nice" to me. So, I guess it depends on what a "nice guy" is. I hate to agree with dispatch, as we never agree on everything, but it definitely sounds like you gals are making some false dichotomies. Now, I totally agree that the men who are mentally amazing AND fantastic in bed AND kind, mature, and open to relationships are likely excellent catches who are in higher demand than they are in supply. . . I am equally sure they exist. The trick is to figure out what is stopping you from catching them and to stop bothering with anything that isn't what you want.
Eeyore79 Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 I look at the guys I chose to have a relationship with and objectively, they were decent looking guys. I couldn't find anything wrong with them physically or visually, but I just didn't feel any kind of spark when they touched me. When I picked a man for a relationship, I picked him based on personal qualities, not because I fancied him in a physical sense. Unsurprisingly, the sex was bad. In contrast, encounters based purely on sexual attraction were good, but were never going to develop into a relationship. The mistake I was making was choosing relationship partners purely based on personality, not on physical attraction. I realised I had to look for someone who was attractive as well as nice, otherwise a relationship was never going to work. You simply cannot choose between physical and mental attraction; a relationship with only one of those things isn't going to work. You have to look a bit harder to find both though, and not tie yourself down with the first nice guy you meet. It made me feel shallow, but I had to look past someone's nice personality and ask myself if I really wanted to f*** this guy's brains out... and if I didn't, then there was no point in me dating him. Someone can be perfectly ok looking but still not push your buttons. I turned down a lot of really nice guys who were perfectly ok looking but just didn't do it for me, and finally met someone I was physically and mentally compatible with I imagine you're probably doing the same as I was... dating based on personality, and not asking yourself if you want to f*** the guy. You need to adjust your people-picker and prioritise sexual attraction a bit more. Sexy and nice guys are out there, but you have to know what you're looking for. Do you even know what pushes your buttons in a physical sense, or are you equating attractiveness with personality traits too much?
sumdude Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 But I get what you're saying. I also think it depends when you're talking. Some guys -- especially nice guys with manners -- won't take out those sex-filled eyes until they know you're "theirs" essentially. Yep, intimacy and trust build sexuality, not the other way around. Though sometimes the moment is just there and things just happen. Now, I totally agree that the men who are mentally amazing AND fantastic in bed AND kind, mature, and open to relationships are likely excellent catches who are in higher demand than they are in supply. . . I am equally sure they exist. The trick is to figure out what is stopping you from catching them and to stop bothering with anything that isn't what you want. Some end up with bad girls only to come back on the market when that relationship reaches it's inevitable conclusion. Men make the same mistakes as women. If the sex is amazing all the blood appears to leave the brain for other parts of the anatomy. It's also hard to find a woman who I'm attracted to, is a great lover, is also kind, trustworthy, intelligent etc. and feels the same way about me.
Els Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 Just wanted to throw some more weight on the optimism pile. I'm currently seeing a warmhearted PhD student who throws me around like a caveman. So... yeah - this dichotomy is all in your head. High five, girl. But honestly, I have found it rare to find someone with both chemistries, and I count myself very lucky that I have. I do think it isn't the kind of thing you stumble across every month or so.
Surrealist Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 Well maybe the reason why women cannot find the man that meets the criteria outlined in this thread, is because those men who you seek are looking for women who are: Aged 25 max5'10 + tallLong flowing shining blonde or brunette hairGorgeous faces with makeup applied appropriately and discreetlyBig tight boobsSmall waistWell toned and at least slightly tannedNice hips with appropriate waist to hip ratioNice buttocks that are tight and roundWell groomed and dressed in sexy suggestive clothing that looks classy and not over done like a hookerGreat personality with a good sense of humourConversational and articulateAble to express her needs and preferences without passing judgements or unnesccesary criticismsSweet character but not sensitive or defensiveCapable and confident but not arrogant or haughtyForgiving, ,caring, patient and kindFinancially independentAble to cook and prepare nice mealsGood work ethic and house cleaning skillsCan take the garbage out at night if need beThese are just a few of the qualities that any intelligent, good looking, handsome, considerate, caring man who is a great performer in bed would seek in his woman.
Els Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 I'm not sure how you construed the OP wanting an intelligent, decent man who can still be a freak in the bedroom, as her wanting a male version of this... Well maybe the reason why women cannot find the man that meets the criteria outlined in this thread, is because those men who you seek are looking for women who are: Aged 25 max5'10 + tallLong flowing shining blonde or brunette hairGorgeous faces with makeup applied appropriately and discreetlyBig tight boobsSmall waistWell toned and at least slightly tannedNice hips with appropriate waist to hip ratioNice buttocks that are tight and roundWell groomed and dressed in sexy suggestive clothing that looks classy and not over done like a hookerGreat personality with a good sense of humourConversational and articulateAble to express her needs and preferences without passing judgements or unnesccesary criticismsSweet character but not sensitive or defensiveCapable and confident but not arrogant or haughtyForgiving, ,caring, patient and kindFinancially independentAble to cook and prepare nice mealsGood work ethic and house cleaning skillsCan take the garbage out at night if need be These are just a few of the qualities that any intelligent, good looking, handsome, considerate, caring man who is a great performer in bed would seek in his woman.
Surrealist Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 You forgot, 21. Good in bed. Ah ha! I was waiting for someone to pick up on this point however that would require at least 10 additional points to the already 20 point list criteria above which may appear too tedious for the average female to stack up to, so I omitted those qualities that an intelligent, good looking, handsome, considerate, caring man who is a great performer in bed would seek in his woman. The above presents what is the bare essentials of qualities for that intelligent, good looking, handsome, considerate, caring man who is a great performer in bed and should be printed off and framed with the heading: "The 20 Commandments for Women who Seek an Intelligent, Good Looking, Handsome, Considerate, Caring Man who is a Great Performer in Bed". Thank you and kindest regards.
zengirl Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 I'm not sure how you construed the OP wanting an intelligent, decent man who can still be a freak in the bedroom, as her wanting a male version of this... Me neither. FWIW, I don't fit plenty of those, and I've had many boyfriends who were fantastic in bed (and interesting and sensual and liked a dynanic sex life with me), intelligent, fun to talk to, fun to be with, and kind, caring, lovely guys. I also think specific height/skin tone/etc requirements vary a lot and can't be thrown around as, "Oh, all the best girls want tall guys," or "All the best men want blond girls." That stuff really varies by person. Quality men want quality women, sure, but this kind of specificity isn't the same thing.
Els Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 Me neither. FWIW, I don't fit plenty of those, and I've had many boyfriends who were fantastic in bed (and interesting and sensual and liked a dynanic sex life with me), intelligent, fun to talk to, fun to be with, and kind, caring, lovely guys. I also think specific height/skin tone/etc requirements vary a lot and can't be thrown around as, "Oh, all the best girls want tall guys," or "All the best men want blond girls." That stuff really varies by person. Quality men want quality women, sure, but this kind of specificity isn't the same thing. Me too. I'm not sure how the OP really is, but I don't see any requirements in her post about the guy's height, face, body shape, hair color, or any such things. Btw, I also find it interesting how the above poster is superimposing HIS perfect woman on what he thinks all men should like. I'm pretty sure many guys don't particularly need a woman who's above 5'10", for one thing...
sumdude Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 Me too. I'm not sure how the OP really is, but I don't see any requirements in her post about the guy's height, face, body shape, hair color, or any such things. Btw, I also find it interesting how the above poster is superimposing HIS perfect woman on what he thinks all men should like. I'm pretty sure many guys don't particularly need a woman who's above 5'10", for one thing... Yeah, I've always had a thing for somewhat petite ladies myself.
Titania22 Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 Thanks Surrealist. You have just shown me why i should have given up years ago and become a nun. Well maybe the reason why women cannot find the man that meets the criteria outlined in this thread, is because those men who you seek are looking for women who are: Aged 25 max5'10 + tallLong flowing shining blonde or brunette hairGorgeous faces with makeup applied appropriately and discreetlyBig tight boobsSmall waistWell toned and at least slightly tannedNice hips with appropriate waist to hip ratioNice buttocks that are tight and roundWell groomed and dressed in sexy suggestive clothing that looks classy and not over done like a hookerGreat personality with a good sense of humourConversational and articulateAble to express her needs and preferences without passing judgements or unnesccesary criticismsSweet character but not sensitive or defensiveCapable and confident but not arrogant or haughtyForgiving, ,caring, patient and kindFinancially independentAble to cook and prepare nice mealsGood work ethic and house cleaning skillsCan take the garbage out at night if need be These are just a few of the qualities that any intelligent, good looking, handsome, considerate, caring man who is a great performer in bed would seek in his woman.
Surrealist Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 Thanks Surrealist. You have just shown me why i should have given up years ago and become a nun. Comeon Titania it's not that bad. I have every confidence in your ability to take the garbage out at night if need be? Al-terna-tively, you can always opt for the guy who is not the perfectly intelligent, good looking, handsome, considerate, caring man who is a great performer in bed, and with some personal resolve and perhaps some gentle persuasion and urging, you can help develop that not so perfectly intelligent, good looking, handsome, considerate, caring man who is a great performer in bed into a perfectly intelligent, good looking, handsome, considerate, caring man who is a great performer in bed for you?
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