Jannah Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 How much of a freak do you need? There is a huge difference between a guy who gets a little rough... and a guy who shoves your head in the toilet and chokes you out. Is there some wiggle room as to what turns you on? Haha, let's hope OP is not looking for that...
zengirl Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 Intelligent, kind, gentle guys also tend to be equally as gentle in the bedroom. Not to get too detailed, but I don't like to be stroked like a fragile baby bird while being stared lovingly in the eyes and having the words 'I love you' whispered in my ear over and over again. While I enjoy that treatment OUTSIDE of the bedroom, INSIDE of the bedroom.....I prefer a different kind of chemistry. Does that make more sense? I think I date men who are intelligent and kind . . . I don't know about "gentle." Considerate, certainly, but I don't dig being treated like I'm fragile or anything, inside or outside the bedroom. And I've met many who are also adventurous, insatiable, and excellent at providing variety and passion in the bedroom. Now, I'm not uber-kinky or anything --- I like the occasional "I love you" during sex now and again, if it happens to be an emotional romp, but I like more playful, dirty, and active romps now and then too. Really depends on how freaky you're talking. I don't know if a nice guy would want to hurt you in the bedroom or anything, but plenty of nice guys can turn up the heat. They might wait a teensy bit into the relationship if they're nice guys, testing the waters and making sure you're into it too----are you forward and up front with what you actually want in the bedroom. That may be part of the issue as well. Nice guys generally aren't pushy about the kinky stuff, but that doesn't mean they haven't done it and/or don't want too. . . depending on the level of kinky we're talking, of course.
hydorclops Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 You've expressed a dichotomy in the population that seems absurd: Sensitive, nice men are bad at sex and dumb men are good at sex. Couldn't it be that the conflict is inside you? You can't respect men that are good at sex/you can't have sex with men you respect? How is this different from the madonna/whore nonsense some men adopt?
humanracer25 Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 I think I date men who are intelligent and kind . . . I don't know about "gentle." Considerate, certainly, but I don't dig being treated like I'm fragile or anything, inside or outside the bedroom. And I've met many who are also adventurous, insatiable, and excellent at providing variety and passion in the bedroom. Now, I'm not uber-kinky or anything --- I like the occasional "I love you" during sex now and again, if it happens to be an emotional romp, but I like more playful, dirty, and active romps now and then too. Really depends on how freaky you're talking. I don't know if a nice guy would want to hurt you in the bedroom or anything, but plenty of nice guys can turn up the heat. They might wait a teensy bit into the relationship if they're nice guys, testing the waters and making sure you're into it too----are you forward and up front with what you actually want in the bedroom. That may be part of the issue as well. Nice guys generally aren't pushy about the kinky stuff, but that doesn't mean they haven't done it and/or don't want too. . . depending on the level of kinky we're talking, of course. What zengirl says is true, I am one of most senstive guys you could meet and quite gentle and introverted too however in the bedroom I can be quite dominant and I enjoy things like spanking lol
humanracer25 Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 Pretty nice. I'm really attracted to guys who are involved in some sort of charity work, love children and animals, have particularly good manners, go out of their way to make other people feel loved. You know, the type of guy who mows his neighbor's lawn without being asked because he knows she's getting old and could use a hand. The kind of guy who spends his Saturday nights taking underprivileged kids to the movies so they have a strong male role model. THAT kind of guy is the guy I usually develop 'love' feelings for. Of course, I've yet to find that guy who is also a bit of a freak in the bedroom. Maybe he exists. I just have lousy luck in finding him. Maybe look for a christian man?. Maybe joining a church might help.
dispatch3d Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 Pretty nice. I'm really attracted to guys who are involved in some sort of charity work, love children and animals, have particularly good manners, go out of their way to make other people feel loved. You know, the type of guy who mows his neighbor's lawn without being asked because he knows she's getting old and could use a hand. The kind of guy who spends his Saturday nights taking underprivileged kids to the movies so they have a strong male role model. THAT kind of guy is the guy I usually develop 'love' feelings for. Of course, I've yet to find that guy who is also a bit of a freak in the bedroom. Maybe he exists. I just have lousy luck in finding him. You are looking for unicorns lady. You want the badboy that is also the ultrasensitive guy. Make up your ****ing mind lol. Christ those two lists of guys you like are polar opposites. I feel half the problem in this thread is you are dealing with hypotheticals that have no true meaning in the real world. They are just imaginary things/images your mind has constructed. I've personally never met either of the two "types" of guys you've met. Also what do these sensual guys do exactly?
carhill Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 Also what do these sensual guys do exactly? OP will share her perspective but this old fart needs only to watch even older farts like dance together to know exactly what they do. Lovemaking is a wonderful dance. Some of us are 'better' at it than others; some of us 'feel' it instinctively. To me, it's all part of compatibility. Each person's perspective is unique and individual.
Woggle Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 I really think most of this is in your head and since you have said in the past that you are a commitmentphobe his is your subconcious way of stopping commitment. This idea that a decent and good man equals bad in bed is why the PUA and player thing is gaining so much steam with men. Just sleep with the bad boys and don't even worry about finding love.
Els Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 I would hold out. This is really why I completely do not believe in the 'plenty of fish' trend of thought... finding someone with whom you can have both chemistries with is incredibly rare, for me at least. I am somewhat like you in this sense, OP - I need a partner who is hyperintelligent (and a few other things), as well as dominant in bed. I don't think you should sacrifice one for the other - rather, perhaps you could realize that as long as 'chemistry' is present in both aspects, the man doesn't need to be the 'best' at both. Meaning, if you find a guy with mental chemistry who is also hot in the bedroom, do not compare him to the previous guy who was even BETTER in the bedroom but you had NO mental chemistry with.
Els Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 You are looking for unicorns lady. You want the badboy that is also the ultrasensitive guy. Make up your ****ing mind lol. Christ those two lists of guys you like are polar opposites. I feel half the problem in this thread is you are dealing with hypotheticals that have no true meaning in the real world. They are just imaginary things/images your mind has constructed. I've personally never met either of the two "types" of guys you've met. Also what do these sensual guys do exactly? I completely disagree that 'good' people, both men and women, cannot also be a 'freak in the bedroom'. Yes, being a 'freak in the bedroom' takes a lot of open-mindedness, imagination, and loosening of reservations, which may be difficult to find. But there is really no reason you cannot be that and yet also be kind, gentle, and good outside the bedroom.
Author Sarah1977 Posted December 3, 2010 Author Posted December 3, 2010 OP wants a guy who has low inhibitions in bed. To me, that doesn't necessarily mean she wants a "bad-boy". EXACTLY. I don't know where you guys all got the impression that I was attracted to 'bad boys.' That's total bull. I've never dated or slept with a 'bad boy' in my life. Just because I find that the guys I have physical chemistry with aren't really mentally compatible with me doesn't make them bad guys. We are just on two different mental wavelengths, that's all. Likewise, just because the guys I feel a mental connection to don't please me in the bedroom sexually, doesn't make them lousy lovers! It just means we prefer different things sexually. In fact, for a different kind of girl, they are probably fantastic lovers! They just don't get ME off! And yes, I've told the guys I was mentally compatible with what I preferred in bed. And yes, they have TRIED to comply. But....THEY weren't into it. They just weren't. Which made sex feel pretty forced and not enjoyable for EITHER ONE of us. This is not 'all in my head,' either. Ten years ago, I just broke down a married a guy with whom I was mentally compatible with hoping the sex thing would work itself out. It never did. I had 10 orgasm-less years.
Eeyore79 Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 (edited) I know exactly the problem you're talking about, having experienced it myself. I've dated some lovely guys but there was just no physical chemistry, and the sex didn't float my boat because they were just too... boring and gentle, for want of a better description. On the other hand, I dated guys with whom I had no intellectual connection, but the sex was fantastic. It took me a long time to figure this problem out; hopefully I can explain the conclusion I came to! Let's start with the guy I have great sex with. There's no mental connection, so the only reason I'm with him is physical/sexual attraction. If you're attracted to someone in a physical sense, sex is great. Okay, so now let's move on to the nice guy who I feel a mental connection with. I think I love him, because I like his personality - his personality is the reason I'm with him, I'm not with him because I'm attracted to him. No wonder I don't enjoy sex... why should it be enjoyable when I don't fancy him? Just because you can see that someone is perfectly ok looking, it does not mean you fancy them! The bolded part is important. I used to think of love as an emotional, intellectual thing which had nothing to do with sex or looks etc; sex was just something on the side, which I could do with anyone. I honestly believed I loved guys to whom I was not physically attracted at all. But I loved them as a person; as a friend. Not as a lover. There is a difference. This is the big important thing that it took me so long to realise: Loving someone as a person is different from loving them as a lover. The latter requires a physical component; if you're not attracted to someone, you do not love them in a boyfriend-girlfriend way, no matter how nice a person they are. In my head, "good sex" was distinct from "good partner". I would be attracted to a guy for his personal qualities, and would completely ignore the fact that I didn't fancy him, because he was such a nice person and in my head that made him A Good Partner. I wasted years with different guys who were lovely people but didn't float my boat. Then I would think "This guy is such a nice person; why don't I fancy him?" I was completely ignoring the physical component of attraction and focusing too much on mental connection. I needed to adjust my people-picker and refine my criteria for what I wanted in a partner. Previously my criteria were all personality based; I had to incorporate "attractive" into my criteria too. I started turning down dates with lovely kind decent men if I didn't fancy them, even though I felt shallow for doing it. Not dating them meant I was single when a nice man who I was also attracted to finally came along. You have to wait for both; you cannot take a nice person and make them sexy, any more than you can take a sexy person and make them nice. So in the end, the answer is really simple: Stop confusing a nice personality with attractiveness, and stop dating men you don't find attractive. Accept that personality alone is not sufficient, and that someone can look perfectly ok but still you don't fancy them. If you don't fancy someone, decline to date them no matter how nice they are. There are men out there who are nice and sexy, but you're not meeting them because (like me) you're constantly taking yourself off the market by wasting your time with someone you don't fancy. Edited December 4, 2010 by Eeyore79
hydorclops Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 EXACTLY. I don't know where you guys all got the impression that I was attracted to 'bad boys.' That's total bull. I've never dated or slept with a 'bad boy' in my life. Just because I find that the guys I have physical chemistry with aren't really mentally compatible with me doesn't make them bad guys. We are just on two different mental wavelengths, that's all. Likewise, just because the guys I feel a mental connection to don't please me in the bedroom sexually, doesn't make them lousy lovers! It just means we prefer different things sexually. In fact, for a different kind of girl, they are probably fantastic lovers! They just don't get ME off! And yes, I've told the guys I was mentally compatible with what I preferred in bed. And yes, they have TRIED to comply. But....THEY weren't into it. They just weren't. Which made sex feel pretty forced and not enjoyable for EITHER ONE of us. This is not 'all in my head,' either. Ten years ago, I just broke down a married a guy with whom I was mentally compatible with hoping the sex thing would work itself out. It never did. I had 10 orgasm-less years. It's so mysterious. I have to speculate. What could you like that only men not mentally compatible with you also like? You can't get off unless NASCAR is playing on TV? Seriously, What you want sexually has to be available with a mentally compatible man. There is wide variation amongst humans. What you want is probably common enough. I think Eeyore made a really good post for you.
Surrealist Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 I'm trying to figure out what sexual activities would make you get off that a mentally compatible cannot seem to accomplish that your mentally incompatible partners so readily achieve? I mean what is it exactly? What possibly can a guy who has reasonable intelligence who is advised by yourself on what you like cannot possibly deliver?
Yamaha Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 I think she wants 2 b "rode hard" and feels the nice guys treat her to much like a fragile lady. She wants passionate sex not compassionate.
SteveC80 Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 What is it you want Is it that you want to be manhanlded slapped around and dominated? Is it specific acts like Anal?
Author Sarah1977 Posted December 4, 2010 Author Posted December 4, 2010 Accept that personality alone is not sufficient, and that someone can look perfectly ok but still you don't fancy them. Eeyore, your whole post was fantastic and helpful. I appreciate you were one of the few that didn't give me that 'nice guy/bad boy' nonsense like I'm a 16 year old girl in love with a boy in a motorcycle jacket, for Christ Sake! I think you really understand where I'm coming from and I appreciate it. Particularly the sentence I quoted hit home from me. I look at the guys I chose to have a relationship with and objectively, they were decent looking guys. I couldn't find anything wrong with them physically or visually, but I just didn't feel any kind of spark when they touched me. Maybe you're right. Maybe I am just not attractive for whatever reason.
Author Sarah1977 Posted December 4, 2010 Author Posted December 4, 2010 I think she wants 2 b "rode hard" and feels the nice guys treat her to much like a fragile lady. She wants passionate sex not compassionate. To everyone who asked: It is something like this, but I'm afraid I'm not going to go into detail about my sexual preferences because that is just trashy. Again, it has nothing to do with 'bad boys.' In fact, the one guy I had the best sex of my life with was a freaking insurance salesman!
EasyHeart Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 Isn't this the same problem every person (male and female) has? I meet lots of women I like who are fugly and lots of attractive women who are dumb as a post. It's always hard to find both things in one person -- that's why we keep looking!!!
Els Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 Isn't this the same problem every person (male and female) has? I meet lots of women I like who are fugly and lots of attractive women who are dumb as a post. It's always hard to find both things in one person -- that's why we keep looking!!! I think you missed the entire point of the OP...
dispatch3d Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 Like I said earlier, I don't think hypotheticals are meant to be solved. I feel like you constructed this hypothetical in your brain such that it couldn't be solved. That way you aren't really responsible for dating failures, instead its a matter of physical vs mental connections.
hydorclops Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 Like I said earlier, I don't think hypotheticals are meant to be solved. I feel like you constructed this hypothetical in your brain such that it couldn't be solved. That way you aren't really responsible for dating failures, instead its a matter of physical vs mental connections. I fully endorse this idea.
Author Sarah1977 Posted December 4, 2010 Author Posted December 4, 2010 That way you aren't really responsible for dating failures, instead its a matter of physical vs mental connections. What do you consider a 'dating failure?' I think I'm very successful with dating, actually. I have a great time on all of my dates. I meet very nice people. I have fun. If I wanted, I could have a long term boyfriend. There's just no total package, that's all. And honestly, at my age, I don't expect there to be. I was just curious as to which I should sacrifice: the physical chemistry or the mental.
Author Sarah1977 Posted December 4, 2010 Author Posted December 4, 2010 Sarah, look up the term false dichotomy. Don't need to. I know what it means and it's not relevant here. Personally, I think you just are missing the point of my posts.
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