Sarah1977 Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 I have had this problem all my life and it's NOT about looks. It's about chemistry. Physical and mental. What I've found is I'm mentally attracted to a certain type of guy. Super intelligent, funny, smart, kind hearted, confident. These are the types of guys who I feel a special connection to, like we're on the same wavelength. We can talk for hours, cuddle, get along, similar values and morals, etc. However, although I find these guys good looking, they ultimately disappoint me in the bedroom. There is just no physical chemistry. On the other hand, the guys in which I have a TON of physical chemistry with....to the point where I just want to rip their clothes off every time I see them, I have no intellectual connection with. Seriously, I can't even pay attention to these guys when they're talking. It's like I'm a kid in a peanuts cartoon listening to one of the grown ups. Wha, wha, wha, wha. Yet, I'm blown away in the bedroom every time. In the past, I've always ultimately chosen the smart guy. I used to think the physical chemistry could be improved with hard work and determination. I am generally really up front with my physical needs and I am clear about the 'type' of stuff I like to do in the bedroom. But the reality is with these guys, we just don't enjoy the same *cough* activities. If the guy does what I ask to please me, it is obviously forced and not fun for him. If he doesn't, I get bored sexually. And obviously you can't take a guy you're physically into and expect him to suddenly grow a brain and a sense of humor. So what should I do? I could wait my whole life for the total package, but I starting to think this doesn't exist for me. The personality traits I'm attracted to are the exact opposite of what I like in the bedroom. I can't expect to find a Dr. Jekyll/ Mr. Hyde. It's really frustrating because I've had this issue my entire life and history is repeating itself this very second. I have my smart guy. I have my sensual guy. No idea who to pick to be exclusive with. Who would YOU pick?
humanracer25 Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 A cliched answer but surely the ideal match would be both? I wouldn't like to be with a girl who matched my personality but didn't enjoy the same things sexually that I did. That would make me misrable. Likewise once I have had great sex with someone I don't want to think "oh do I really love this person or do we have much in common besides sex?". So you need both and it isn't easy to find both, lots of people are in the same boat. Welcome to the club!
carhill Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 I think polyamory is your path One perspective is the two 'types' of men represent different focuses. As a comparison, I was married to an independent, ambitious lady whom I happened to share many similar life values with. In her independence and ambition, however, many aspects of nurturing, feminine behavior and mindset were lost. The aspects, once the 'honeymoon' period was over, were elemental in my perception of the type of marital partner she became. I daresay she might opine similarly, with different subjective criteria. When I came to understand that what little nurture and love she offered was 'thought' instead of 'felt', attraction and love died. Therein lies the lesson; people balance aspects of their personality in unique and individual ways. In a relationship, to be healthy, those balances must be compatible. Further, those balances must be attractive to maintain a relationship long-term. In your case, I would pick neither for a LTR or M. Up to you as to whom you like to date and spend time with. I'm LTR/M-centric, so I don't date people to pass the time with. I have great friends to enjoy life with. I date to focus on a life partner. You have your own parameters. If you find them to be healthy for you, then apply them and select your partners accordingly. Lastly, I'll share an observation my exW often shared with me, that I couldn't shut my brain off long enough to f*ck. Sounds a bit cruel, but I've come to understand why she had that perspective. It might be helpful to you when describing the 'mental chemistry' you speak of and one 'why' the physical chemistry doesn't seem to follow. One datapoint. Good luck
musemaj11 Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 Bad boy=Good sex Nice guy= Good partner Nothing new here ... Anyway, what kinda activities are you talking about? Like choking the guy or punching him or what?
waynesworld Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 Date both, but settle for neither. I don't think there's any point in getting into an exclusive relationship with someone if you know upfront they don't meet your needs. You'd just be wasting everyone's time. My $0.02!
ConstantCraving Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 So what should I do? I could wait my whole life for the total package, but I starting to think this doesn't exist for me. The personality traits I'm attracted to are the exact opposite of what I like in the bedroom. I can't expect to find a Dr. Jekyll/ Mr. Hyde. It's really frustrating because I've had this issue my entire life and history is repeating itself this very second. I have my smart guy. I have my sensual guy. No idea who to pick to be exclusive with. Who would YOU pick? I'm not a woman, so I don't have that particular dilemma. You might as well wait for the "total package" since it sounds like you would be unhappy with "half a man". The dilemma guys often have is nice girl verus hot girl.
musemaj11 Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 The dilemma guys often have is nice girl verus hot girl. True, but as a guy who values stability, I have always preferred nice girls.
Author Sarah1977 Posted December 2, 2010 Author Posted December 2, 2010 You might as well wait for the "total package" since it sounds like you would be unhappy with "half a man". And if the total package doesn't exist...?
GoodOnPaper Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 And if the total package doesn't exist...? Personally, I don't think women with the total package exist, either . . . Sounds like to me that your "smart guy" lost the competition from the get-go. You'll probably find plenty of "sensual guys" -- maybe lightning would strike at some point and you'll have your total package?
northern_sky Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 I don't understand this thread. Intelligence and "goodness" in bed aren't mutually exclusive qualities. I feel like something else is up -- some sort of emotional unavailability on your end. Either that or you're choosing the wrong guys.
carhill Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 What she wants and is attracted to apparently doesn't match up. This is not unusual, IME. The evolution is melding the want and attraction into one continuum and then using that great tool of communication to build further intimacy and attraction to effect it. More choices
northern_sky Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 What she wants and is attracted to apparently doesn't match up. This is not unusual, IME. The evolution is melding the want and attraction into one continuum and then using that great tool of communication to build further intimacy and attraction to effect it. More choices Right but she's describing the problem as intelligent, kind-hearted guys not being good in bed. That doesn't ring true. Hence why I said there's another variable she's unaware of or not alluding to.
Jannah Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 Bad boy=Good sex Nice guy= Good partner Nothing new here ... Anyway, what kinda activities are you talking about? Like choking the guy or punching him or what? I hate to say this, but, this is not true. I was physically intimate with a bad boy - a year after my last LTR ended - and sex was NOT good.
Star Gazer Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 Right but she's describing the problem as intelligent, kind-hearted guys not being good in bed. That doesn't ring true. Hence why I said there's another variable she's unaware of or not alluding to. Have you found the elusive kind-hearted being who also rocks your world in bed? Nope. I understand precisely where Sarah is coming from. Guys who do it for me mentally AND physically are hard to find. They DO exist, but they're rare.
Author Sarah1977 Posted December 2, 2010 Author Posted December 2, 2010 Right but she's describing the problem as intelligent, kind-hearted guys not being good in bed. That doesn't ring true. Hence why I said there's another variable she's unaware of or not alluding to. Intelligent, kind, gentle guys also tend to be equally as gentle in the bedroom. Not to get too detailed, but I don't like to be stroked like a fragile baby bird while being stared lovingly in the eyes and having the words 'I love you' whispered in my ear over and over again. While I enjoy that treatment OUTSIDE of the bedroom, INSIDE of the bedroom.....I prefer a different kind of chemistry. Does that make more sense?
Flirt Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 The first rule of having enjoyable sex is knowing what your partner enjoys before you have sex with them. That's especially true if you're planning on an actual relationship that involves sex. The whole bad boy vs nice guy thing is such a wash. Life isn't a stupid teen movie.
northern_sky Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 Intelligent, kind, gentle guys also tend to be equally as gentle in the bedroom. Not to get too detailed, but I don't like to be stroked like a fragile baby bird while being stared lovingly in the eyes and having the words 'I love you' whispered in my ear over and over again. While I enjoy that treatment OUTSIDE of the bedroom, INSIDE of the bedroom.....I prefer a different kind of chemistry. Does that make more sense? Yes, but that's been different from my experience with that type of guy. All of the guys I've dated have been very intelligent, with varying degrees of niceness. The ones who were genuinely nice weren't like that either. They were pretty primal in the bedroom. It makes me wonder if your definition of nice, gentle outside of the bedroom is different from mine. Can you give more specifics on how such a guy acts outside of the bedroom? Like how nice are we talking?
Untouchable_Fire Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 I have had this problem all my life and it's NOT about looks. It's about chemistry. Physical and mental. So what should I do? I could wait my whole life for the total package, but I starting to think this doesn't exist for me. The personality traits I'm attracted to are the exact opposite of what I like in the bedroom. I can't expect to find a Dr. Jekyll/ Mr. Hyde. It's really frustrating because I've had this issue my entire life and history is repeating itself this very second. I have my smart guy. I have my sensual guy. No idea who to pick to be exclusive with. Who would YOU pick? Right... the problem can't be you... it has to be them! All men who are funny, intelligent, kind hearted, and confident are total failures in the physical chemistry department. Seriously... the fact that you cannot generate both with the same man means you have a mental problem. Nothing more, nothing less.
Flirt Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 And to elaborate, I think you're confusing respectful/shy with nice/boring. I'm sure no man in his right mind will refuse to slap your ass, pull your hair and call you a wh*re, if you ask them to. P.S. And if they do refuse, then run fast and far.
SmileFace Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 I don't think the problem is the guys. I think it is you. I don't say this to offend , I am only willing to make this judgement. Since I deal with what you are explaining. I personally have yet found myself capable of being physically and mentally attracted to the same guy. It has always been either on or the other. When I did , it was only me lying to myself . Not getting into to much about myself, but this is from bad experiences as a child . Which I don't regret or blame the "people" .It was just unfortunate the things I went through. I am still in the process of getting over the things that happened in my childhood but I am working on it. I really don't like making assumptions. You know what the saying about assumptions, right? Anyway look at something in your pass and see what you find.Hopefully it isn't anything like mine but you may find something.
carhill Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 While I enjoy that treatment OUTSIDE of the bedroom, INSIDE of the bedroom.....I prefer a different kind of chemistry. Does that make more sense? You make perfect sense. I refer back to my opinion of using the great tool of *communication* to effect this dynamic. It doesn't happen in a vacuum. As someone else said, if you tell the guy you want to go round the world, love rim jobs and want to ride him like a jockey in heat and he gives you the deer in the headlights look, then he's just not for you. As my examples (just a few of my many 'interests') indicate, a 'nice' guy outside the bedroom doesn't necessarily mean a nice guy inside it. This divergence appeared to be of concern to most of the women I've been with, hence indicative that I was *choosing* incompatible partners. You (and I) can choose differently
sumdude Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 Men with both traits exist exist, as do the classy women who are also way fun in bed. They are rarer though, in high demand and often taken.
Author Sarah1977 Posted December 2, 2010 Author Posted December 2, 2010 Can you give more specifics on how such a guy acts outside of the bedroom? Like how nice are we talking? Pretty nice. I'm really attracted to guys who are involved in some sort of charity work, love children and animals, have particularly good manners, go out of their way to make other people feel loved. You know, the type of guy who mows his neighbor's lawn without being asked because he knows she's getting old and could use a hand. The kind of guy who spends his Saturday nights taking underprivileged kids to the movies so they have a strong male role model. THAT kind of guy is the guy I usually develop 'love' feelings for. Of course, I've yet to find that guy who is also a bit of a freak in the bedroom. Maybe he exists. I just have lousy luck in finding him.
sumdude Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 Pretty nice. I'm really attracted to guys who are involved in some sort of charity work, love children and animals, have particularly good manners, go out of their way to make other people feel loved. You know, the type of guy who mows his neighbor's lawn without being asked because he knows she's getting old and could use a hand. The kind of guy who spends his Saturday nights taking underprivileged kids to the movies so they have a strong male role model. THAT kind of guy is the guy I usually develop 'love' feelings for. Of course, I've yet to find that guy who is also a bit of a freak in the bedroom. Maybe he exists. I just have lousy luck in finding him. Well you are looking for a needle in a haystack if you have to have all those qualities in the same man. I'm sure you can find an intelligent,. good natured and generous man who is also a great lover. He just might not also be volunteering at the soup kitchen and animal rescue league too.
Untouchable_Fire Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 Pretty nice. I'm really attracted to guys who are involved in some sort of charity work, love children and animals, have particularly good manners, go out of their way to make other people feel loved. You know, the type of guy who mows his neighbor's lawn without being asked because he knows she's getting old and could use a hand. The kind of guy who spends his Saturday nights taking underprivileged kids to the movies so they have a strong male role model. THAT kind of guy is the guy I usually develop 'love' feelings for. Of course, I've yet to find that guy who is also a bit of a freak in the bedroom. Maybe he exists. I just have lousy luck in finding him. How much of a freak do you need? There is a huge difference between a guy who gets a little rough... and a guy who shoves your head in the toilet and chokes you out. Is there some wiggle room as to what turns you on?
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