when does it become love?

[humanracer25]

I remember reading a post here or somewhere else about a girl who was shocked that her "boyfriend" said he loved her after only seeing each other for one month. Now I know where she is coming from but surely if you call someone your "boyfriend" then it must mean you expect that they love you in some way. So my question is when does it become love?. If you date someone once or twice and you get butterflies in your stomach, is that love or infatuation? After a month or two and you are sleeping with each other and cuddling on the sofa, is that love?. With my ex girlfriend, we kissed on the first date and got together after that and I loved her from then. But during difficult times such as when one of her parents died, our love grew stronger. The relationship didn't last but I can't say there wasn't a time when I didn't love her during our relationship.

 

What do you think about this?

[jenniferlm]

The relationship didn't last but I can't say there wasn't a time when I didn't love her during our relationship.

 

What do you think about this?

 

Ummm the key words here are: Didn't last.

Most relationships I've seen that start out all hot end up in a fizzle. REAL love happens over time. Lots of it. That's why relationship experts tell you to date someone for a year or two before getting too serious. Before that, and you really don't have time to get to know someone very well at ALL.

 

You say Love...but I really don't think so. I think SO many people mistake love for other feelings. Lust, like, attraction, sympathy, infatuation, etc. Being enamored with someone isn't really LOVE. Not really. Some people NEVER learn this in life, and those are the ones you see repeating the same relationship cycle(s) over and over again.

 

I work in a bar...lots of people, men and women, come in with this story...love at first site, or within a year of knowing someone. NONE of them in the past 15 years that I've been working in this bar are still with one of those people who they were so quickly in love with. NONE.

And these are people from all walks of life. Wealthy lawyers, businessmen, blue collar workers, students, people in the entertainment industry, dancers, etc.

 

Usually a relationship that is quick to love ends within about 3-5 years at MOST. Why?

Cause it's kinda fake to think you love someone after just a short period of time, it's not real.

 

I can't speak for the men, but most of the women I know that I know well...when I've talked to them about this, they've admitted to faking it a bit with the guys...liking stuff they like such as football, outdoor activities, books, family, television shows, etc. JUST to get the guys to like them.

Women fake it for love/companionship, but sometimes men fake it for sex/companionship...it's a sad state of affairs. Jenny McCarthy wrote a book about this that was just released. I haven't read it, but in it she admits to doing this herself, and how so many other women she knows do this as well.

[humanracer25]

Ummm the key words here are: Didn't last.

Most relationships I've seen that start out all hot end up in a fizzle. REAL love happens over time. Lots of it. That's why relationship experts tell you to date someone for a year or two before getting too serious. Before that, and you really don't have time to get to know someone very well at ALL.

 

You say Love...but I really don't think so. I think SO many people mistake love for other feelings. Lust, like, attraction, sympathy, infatuation, etc. Being enamored with someone isn't really LOVE. Not really. Some people NEVER learn this in life, and those are the ones you see repeating the same relationship cycle(s) over and over again.

 

I work in a bar...lots of people, men and women, come in with this story...love at first site, or within a year of knowing someone. NONE of them in the past 15 years that I've been working in this bar are still with one of those people who they were so quickly in love with. NONE.

And these are people from all walks of life. Wealthy lawyers, businessmen, blue collar workers, students, people in the entertainment industry, dancers, etc.

 

Usually a relationship that is quick to love ends within about 3-5 years at MOST. Why?

Cause it's kinda fake to think you love someone after just a short period of time, it's not real.

 

I can't speak for the men, but most of the women I know that I know well...when I've talked to them about this, they've admitted to faking it a bit with the guys...liking stuff they like such as football, outdoor activities, books, family, television shows, etc. JUST to get the guys to like them.

Women fake it for love/companionship, but sometimes men fake it for sex/companionship...it's a sad state of affairs. Jenny McCarthy wrote a book about this that was just released. I haven't read it, but in it she admits to doing this herself, and how so many other women she knows do this as well.

 

Maybe but you could date someone for two years then get serious and still it falls apart. I know people who dated for ages then got serious moved in,got married and then broke up.

 

I disagree with you, I think the key is that pepole change over time and the idea is to grow with your partner rather than grow apart. Love takes many forms. I could love someone as a close friend but not find them compataible enough to have sex with. And surely sex and companionship are two important ingridients of a relationship.

 

I am not saying your view is wrong but I just think there are other ways of looking at it. You can only base your experience on the people you know etc. I think the big mistake people make in relationships is taking things for granted. It starts off hot like you say but you become so used to each other that you forget to keep putting that bit of spice into the relationship. When you would rather watch tv or play the x box instead of making love to your partner then its probably time to end it. But that commplancency can sneak in regardless of how long it took you to get serious.!

[810]

i asked similar question about this here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t254416/ and got a couple of good replies.

 

after 4 years with someone, i realized i cared about him deeply but i didn't love him as much as i thought i did. i kept on saying "i adored him" but looking back, it wasn't that at all. it felt like it though at the time. at the same time, i know in my heart that i can't live with him for the rest of my life because i can't stand him. but the attachment bond and the lovey dovey feelings led me to be with him for 4 years. i wasn't afraid to be alone but i was afraid to lose a friend.

 

after time spent together, you start to assess your own feelings and what you want out of the relationship, from yourself and that person. time gives you the attachment bond but also tells you if you're a match or not. in my experience with him, he was a perfect partner but wasn't a match for me. we didn't grow together so we grew apart. love grows over time but you can develop care and butterfly feelings for someone instantly. it's tricky but if you know what you want and what you're looking for in a mate at the beginning, i believe the rest will fall into place.

 

Go to your bosom: Knock there, and ask your heart what it doth know. - William Shakespeare

[jenniferlm]

Maybe but you could date someone for two years then get serious and still it falls apart.QUOTE]

 

 

Not as often. Does it happen...sure....but not as often. Numerous studies have proved this.

 

Sure taking someone for granted happens in relationships, however, WHEN you know eachother well, it happens less. Why? Cause you KNOW what you've got, you have taken the time to get to know them over an extended period of time, they're not just someone that's there in the same room with you as you play your xbox or watch TV.

 

Me bringing up this never working out with people I know was a good point that you shouldn't brush away lightly. I meet hundreds of diff. people a month, and lord knows how many over the past 15 years. This type of hot at first thing just doesn't work dude.

 

It's not love.

 

People do change over time. AND the more you take the time to get to know them before hand, the more you will find out if you have enough in common to make it through the inevitable issues and stresses and changes that life throws your way. You will know how they react to things, what are their triggers. What they need and when.

But, if you don't take the time to get to know someone before hand..there you are married...to someone you don't know...whose needs you know basically nada about. This is where the crumbling begins and we see where the "love" really wasn't love. It was infatuation, or lust, or they were merely enamored w/ one another. But, that they didn't know eachother well enough to know what do really do when the going got tough. Or to care.

 

It's more than just "not taking someone for granted" I'm sure that once you've gained a bit more experience, you will understand. It's a lot deeper than that...it takes more.

 

I do agree that there are certain types of people who will take someone for granted due to their own selfishness and inability to ever be satisfied...these people are incapable of having a real love in a relationship. AND if you take the time to get to know somene for a couple two or three years...you'll be able to figure this out...even if they are pretty adept at hiding this awful personal flaw...and most of them are.

[humanracer25]

i asked similar question about this here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t254416/ and got a couple of good replies.

 

after 4 years with someone, i realized i cared about him deeply but i didn't love him as much as i thought i did. i kept on saying "i adored him" but looking back, it wasn't that at all. it felt like it though at the time. at the same time, i know in my heart that i can't live with him for the rest of my life because i can't stand him. but the attachment bond and the lovey dovey feelings led me to be with him for 4 years. i wasn't afraid to be alone but i was afraid to lose a friend.

 

after time spent together, you start to assess your own feelings and what you want out of the relationship, from yourself and that person. time gives you the attachment bond but also tells you if you're a match or not. in my experience with him, he was a perfect partner but wasn't a match for me. we didn't grow together so we grew apart. love grows over time but you can develop care and butterfly feelings for someone instantly. it's tricky but if you know what you want and what you're looking for in a mate at the beginning, i believe the rest will fall into place.

 

Go to your bosom: Knock there, and ask your heart what it doth know. - William Shakespeare

 

Yeah, my main point is though wether to fall in love right away or date for two years, there is no gaurantee that that love won't fade away at some point. I think one of the best ways to test it is to live with that person becuase you get to know all the bad habits etc. If you date someone for two years just to discover you don't really like them that way then it's just a waste of two years. Perhaps the problem is the unrealistic expectation that all relationships should forever, the sad truth is that a lot of relatonships just have a certain lifespan. For me I met my ex while at uni and we split up 6 months after we both graduated. And again you mentioned growing together, that is the crucial thing. Love should never stop growing ideally.

[jenniferlm]

Yeah, my main point is though wether to fall in love right away or date for two years, there is no gaurantee that that love won't fade away at some point. I think one of the best ways to test it is to live with that person becuase you get to know all the bad habits etc. If you date someone for two years just to discover you don't really like them that way then it's just a waste of two years..

 

 

LOTS of studies have shown that living with someone before marriage leads to divorce more than in relationships in which the couples took TIME to get to know eachother before making such a big step.

 

You don't have to live with someone to find out about them...just take some TIME dude. What is your hurry?

 

It's not two years wasted if you have taken the time to get to know someone and have prevented yourselves from being divorced or shacking up together for a number of years. And at the end, you most likely will end up being friends and not enemies like so many other people are at the end of their relationships.

 

Don't be in such a hurry to love someone, or to think you are in love with someone. Take your time! Enjoy the process of getting to know them VERY well first. Not doing this is really doing both yourself and the other person a great disservice.

 

If the poster above had taken her time instead of just going w/ the butterfly feeling and lovey dovey feelings, she would have prevented a lot of hurt and confusion. She wouldn't have been there for four years living with someone she didn't really end up liking.

[humanracer25]

Yeah but again that is just your view. I personally could not marry someone I hadn't lived with first or had sex with. Each to their own.

 

and I am still best friends with my ex, not enemies so it wouldn't have made a different if we had slowed down. And I don't regret any of it so I am glad it happened that way.

 

I am in no rush at all, I just miss the intimacy and companionship of a relationship.

[sunshinegirl]

Jenniferelm, in general I think there's a lot of validity to your point of view - taking more time to get to know someone is pretty solid advice. Still, the style in which you have posted your views comes off as rather authoritative and black/white, and doesn't seem to leave any room for anyone to have a valid, different, experience.

 

Your post piqued my interest because I am recently married after what some would consider a short courtship: we met in May 2009, started dating in October 2009, were engaged in May 2010 and married in Oct 2010. No question that we love each other, no question that we knew what we wanted in a partner, no question that we knew early on that we had found it in each other. I'm 36 and he's 38 and we've both had several prior relationships, so this isn't a matter of inexperience or responding to a hormonal infatuation. We have good heads on our shoulders, and we both know better than that.

 

I offer my experience in hopes of broadening your data pool and what seems to be a black and white perspective. Perhaps we're an exception, and sure, the proof will be in the pudding 10 years from now when we are still together and thriving.

 

Again, in general I think your advice is good - and if/when we have children, we will surely counsel them to take their time in getting to know their romantic partners. But our own story doesn't follow the contours you've laid out, and I'm not worried about our long-term prospects.

[humanracer25]

Jenniferelm, in general I think there's a lot of validity to your point of view - taking more time to get to know someone is pretty solid advice. Still, the style in which you have posted your views comes off as rather authoritative and black/white, and doesn't seem to leave any room for anyone to have a valid, different, experience.

 

Your post piqued my interest because I am recently married after what some would consider a short courtship: we met in May 2009, started dating in October 2009, were engaged in May 2010 and married in Oct 2010. No question that we love each other, no question that we knew what we wanted in a partner, no question that we knew early on that we had found it in each other. I'm 36 and he's 38 and we've both had several prior relationships, so this isn't a matter of inexperience or responding to a hormonal infatuation. We have good heads on our shoulders, and we both know better than that.

 

I offer my experience in hopes of broadening your data pool and what seems to be a black and white perspective. Perhaps we're an exception, and sure, the proof will be in the pudding 10 years from now when we are still together and thriving.

 

Again, in general I think your advice is good - and if/when we have children, we will surely counsel them to take their time in getting to know their romantic partners. But our own story doesn't follow the contours you've laid out, and I'm not worried about our long-term prospects.

 

Yeah that is all I am saying, that it is not black and white. That is why I don't follow the religious view of no sex before marriage (not saying jennifer is religious though). I can see how in theory it would work but for me personally, it would be more heartbreaking to live with someone after a long courtship and find that we just didn't connect on that level.

 

I also question the idea that suddenly you can know someone. Clearly if you date someone who is 20, they aren't going to be the same person at 30. That is one of the things that happened with my last relationship, we both were different people after graduating. We had matured and moved onto different things. What I want now as a 29 year old is a lot different to what I wanted as a 19 year old. Again it is about growing with your partner. I sometimes think that perhaps that is why relationships with big age gaps don't last, because the couples are at two different points in their life.

 

And lastly I think life is too short. My ex would sometimes ask me "will be last forever?". I used to tell her not to worry too much about the future. Maybe the wrong thing to say but I don't think you should ever think about a relationship in terms of how long it will last.

 

Again just my view.

[810]

If the poster above had taken her time instead of just going w/ the butterfly feeling and lovey dovey feelings, she would have prevented a lot of hurt and confusion. She wouldn't have been there for four years living with someone she didn't really end up liking.

 

Please don't make assumptions. I was with him for 4 years, we spent vacation time together in weeks but I have never lived/moved in with him

 

and fyi, i liked spending time with him. i liked him. in fact, i loved and cared about him. we grew apart as our lives and paths are different. simple as that.

Edited December 2, 2010 by 810

[humanracer25]

I also want to add that there is a difference between "love" and "being in love". "being in love" is the butterflies in the stomach thing and the feeling that you have when you are dating someone. Love of course is the constant feeling of affection that develops, that develops over time of getting to know someone and is still there even after a relationship ends. However people should never assume that they will always have this state of "being in love", in fact it will probably vanish quite quickly. It is like a new job, you get excited for the first months or year and then it gets boring and routine. It is possible to keep "being in love" with your partner but it takes hard work for both people. You have to avoid getting into a routine and even after 10 years together, you should take your partner out and surprise them like it was your first date together. That is why I hate thinking of love as a process ie dating,living together,marriage. To see it like that means that you end up taking things for granted. Even if you have taken the time to get to know that person, simply loving someone won't be enough in itself. You have to keep it interesting and avoid the montony of day to day living.

 

Anyone agree?

[Jannah]

I believe it becomes "love", when it is mutual and there is commitment from both individuals.

 

Anything else would be considered lust/infatuation.