Spark1111 Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 I understand it's his mother and what child wants to be in the middle of this mess. But I would never expect her to tell him the truth if in fact, she is having an affair. It seems, she has no qualms with doing it right under her nose as he posts. What if she, like most cheaters, gaslights him; tries to convince him he must be crazy for thinking that. Isn't that more damaging to her son? Do you really expect her to admit she lied to him and she's sorry, but she is having at least an EA with this om? In a million years, we both know that will never happen. She will deny, deny, deny to his face. It is what they do. And from my parenting stance, that is soooooo much worse for him.
Spark1111 Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 We all need to know when to let go. It's not his problem. Sure it impacts him (for sure) but it's still not his problem. If he views this as his responsibility to fix his parent's problems he is setting himself up...because not one of us knows what the future holds...it could go any way. He's got to let go of the outcome. He does that by not getting involved in the minute details of the problem. It's not enabling the cheater...it's standing up for himself. Which I wholeheartedly endorse when he makes both parents, at the same time, aware of his concerns. They will either both console him and explain it all away, which should be of great relief to him; or they will confront each other and he can walk away from their relationship reassured that at least he is not keeping a secret from one of his parents.
someday Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 I understand it's his mother and what child wants to be in the middle of this mess. But I would never expect her to tell him the truth if in fact, she is having an affair. It seems, she has no qualms with doing it right under her nose as he posts. What if she, like most cheaters, gaslights him; tries to convince him he must be crazy for thinking that. Isn't that more damaging to her son? Do you really expect her to admit she lied to him and she's sorry, but she is having at least an EA with this om? In a million years, we both know that will never happen. She will deny, deny, deny to his face. It is what they do. And from my parenting stance, that is soooooo much worse for him. No, I doubt she's going to tell him the truth of the matter. It simply does not matter because he already knows the truth. She can say/do whatever she wants...and guess what? He still knows the truth. One can only be gaslighted as long as they allow themselves to be gaslighted. Maybe that sounds cold, but it's true. One can tell me that the sky is green today, I'm not going to believe them because I know full and well that the sky is blue. She can (and will) deny...but he knows the truth.
someday Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 Which I wholeheartedly endorse when he makes both parents, at the same time, aware of his concerns. They will either both console him and explain it all away, which should be of great relief to him; or they will confront each other and he can walk away from their relationship reassured that at least he is not keeping a secret from one of his parents. Ok, this bolded part I agree with...I'd still do it my way if I were in his shoes...but I'm not.
Author Inflikted Posted December 9, 2010 Author Posted December 9, 2010 I just feel like I should maybe clear up my own stance in all of this. I'm not really "getting a kick out of this", nor am I just generally lacking a backbone, but... I don't want to damage my relationship with either parent, here. While it makes me sick to know what my mom has going on, I don't want sever our relationship. I don't want our "dynamic" to change. But if I tell her what I know, I feel like that's just going to change things between us completely. She'll be super pissed at me for spying on her in the first place, as well as extremely embarrassed to know that I've seen some of the things she's written. She might even become more secretive, and pull away from me. And I hate keeping this all from my dad, I really do, but I'm genuinely concerned about how he'd take it. He's just too much of a wild card to be able to predict, and the possible negative outcomes of telling him are very high. Some of you may feel I'm overthinking this whole thing, and who knows, maybe I am. But... I just don't want to screw up this family dynamic we have, and to suddenly just spring this confrontation on my mom, or spring this information on my dad, that'd totally throw our whole family dynamic out of whack. At the very least, it'd make things VERY awkward between me and my mom (and my dad, if I were to tell him), and I just don't want that awkwardness. We live in a small house, and we see each other constantly... I don't know that I could put up with that amount of awkwardness so often. So I get what you guys are saying, and all that, I just can't stop worrying about how this would completely change everything between the three of us. I can't get past it. It's just too... scary to even think about. I know her actually cheating would only make things worse, but still. I don't want things to change between us. I don't want to make my mom feel like I've "turned on her" by spying on her and confronting her about it (even though she's more in the wrong than I am). So I dunno. I understand what you guys probably think of me, but I just don't feel like I know what the best thing to do would be. And until I know what the best thing is, I don't want to act on it.
whichwayisup Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 You are in a tough spot, no kid of any age should have to deal with! I don't want our "dynamic" to change. It's too late for that, what you know now is and will affect things with your mom. She's not herself right now, she's lying and hiding stuff, not something a child should know about their mom! Is there anybody in your extended family that you can talk to, and trust?
Owl Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 ...but I just don't feel like I know what the best thing to do would be. And until I know what the best thing is, I don't want to act on it. Look at how well that worked out for Poland in WWII. Sometimes choosing to do nothing is still a choice. Regardless, I wish you and your family well. I just don't have any other advice I can offer to you.
someday Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 ((((hugs)))) Well, if you think about it…isn’t everything already changed for you? You *know* something and you can’t *unknow* it, right? So really what this boils down to, IMHO, is you. How do you handle this knowledge, etc. I think you know that. Did you actually spy on your mom? Or did you happen on information? Did you find questionable information and you dug a bit deeper? It doesn’t really matter how you got the info what matters now is what you do with the info. Understandably, you don’t want to hurt either of your parents…guess what? You are not hurting either of them…they are grown and making decisions for themselves. You didn’t create this situation. Don’t take the blame of their R onto your shoulders. I wonder, does your mom have a sister? Brother? Someone you can confide in…does your dad have siblings that you could confide in? That way it’s not you telling them what you know. It’s much less direct than my approach, but I do understand your concerns. Just remember everything changes with time. That’s the way the world works. If she continues on things will change anyway. I think you are doing the right thing by waiting and reflecting- just don’t get stuck in that spot.
Author Inflikted Posted December 9, 2010 Author Posted December 9, 2010 I wonder, does your mom have a sister? Brother? Someone you can confide in…does your dad have siblings that you could confide in? That way it’s not you telling them what you know. It’s much less direct than my approach, but I do understand your concerns. Yes, but I (and my mom, and dad) aren't close with any of them, anymore. My mom has three brothers, but they all pretty much hate us because they believe we stole from my grandma (my mom and her three brother's mother), which we didn't; my grandma refuses to clear that up, though. My dad has two sisters, one who's a crazy alcoholic that lives halfway across the country, and another who's fairly wealthy and looks down on us (even calling us "peasants"). So, we're pretty disconnected from the rest of the family.
Bryanp Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 If I understand what you are saying is that you will sit back until there is serious damage to your parents relationship and then it will be too late. It sounds like quite a plan.
someday Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 It's during the worst time, the most stressful, most hurtful, most confusing times when we, as family, must pull together. I'd say this qualifies as one of those times for your family. During these times we are scared, we don’t' know what to do, everything we can think of seems wrong or not enough, but doing nothing isn't going to help. Listen, I know that you are scared, I know that you might think it's easier to not rock the boat....but its not. In the long run it's worse. If you say nothing then you gain nothing. Everything stays the same- your mom continues doing whatever- and where is that likely to lead? If you say something then you've made an impact on her thoughts- you've insinuated your thoughts into her mind. She can't un-know your words and thoughts to her. I'm telling you, as a mother, the way my kids think of me matters to me. More than what I think fo myself or what anyone else thinks of me. My kids have pull. The way I see it is that...well, **** happens. We deal with it to the best of our ability...we try to make sense out of it...then we let it go and move on- with whatever 'lesson' we find in the mess.
PatientOne Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 Yes, but I (and my mom, and dad) aren't close with any of them, anymore. My mom has three brothers, but they all pretty much hate us because they believe we stole from my grandma (my mom and her three brother's mother), which we didn't; my grandma refuses to clear that up, though. My dad has two sisters, one who's a crazy alcoholic that lives halfway across the country, and another who's fairly wealthy and looks down on us (even calling us "peasants"). So, we're pretty disconnected from the rest of the family. Wow, you have way too much family drama going on for one person. May I make a suggestion that might derail the current situation? You apparently are able to log into your Mom's Facebook page. Why not send this guy a message that will shock him, something to the effect of, "I have decided the best thing for me is to leave my husband for you" or something that will provoke a response. You won't have to tell your mother anything, she'll immediately realize someone (yes, probably you) has been monitoring their correspondence. You just keep your mouth shut and play dumb. This will probably make the OM bolt, being outed this way. What is your Mom going to do, act outraged that you interfered in her affair? What it won't do is fix your Mom, as an earlier poster so aptly said. You'll have to make up your mind about if and how you'll deal with this. Just know you can always come here and vent if it helps. Good luck, Inflikted.
Mimolicious Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 I just feel like I should maybe clear up my own stance in all of this. I'm not really "getting a kick out of this", nor am I just generally lacking a backbone, but... I don't want to damage my relationship with either parent, here. While it makes me sick to know what my mom has going on, I don't want sever our relationship. I don't want our "dynamic" to change. But if I tell her what I know, I feel like that's just going to change things between us completely. She'll be super pissed at me for spying on her in the first place, as well as extremely embarrassed to know that I've seen some of the things she's written. She might even become more secretive, and pull away from me. And I hate keeping this all from my dad, I really do, but I'm genuinely concerned about how he'd take it. He's just too much of a wild card to be able to predict, and the possible negative outcomes of telling him are very high. Some of you may feel I'm overthinking this whole thing, and who knows, maybe I am. But... I just don't want to screw up this family dynamic we have, and to suddenly just spring this confrontation on my mom, or spring this information on my dad, that'd totally throw our whole family dynamic out of whack. At the very least, it'd make things VERY awkward between me and my mom (and my dad, if I were to tell him), and I just don't want that awkwardness. We live in a small house, and we see each other constantly... I don't know that I could put up with that amount of awkwardness so often. So I get what you guys are saying, and all that, I just can't stop worrying about how this would completely change everything between the three of us. I can't get past it. It's just too... scary to even think about. I know her actually cheating would only make things worse, but still. I don't want things to change between us. I don't want to make my mom feel like I've "turned on her" by spying on her and confronting her about it (even though she's more in the wrong than I am). So I dunno. I understand what you guys probably think of me, but I just don't feel like I know what the best thing to do would be. And until I know what the best thing is, I don't want to act on it. Hone, do you think your mother is thinking about you and how sick you may feel if you found out? Odds are, NOPE! Like they say: "A person's integrity is known for what they do when nobody is watching". Your mom is getting instant gratification from her flirting, she is blind to the reality of what she is about to cause. Later on, it will be too late to change her actions. Finagle your way but do something while you can!
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