I'm in a VERY awkward position...

[Inflikted]

Ah well, I don't think I'd be able to contact his wife, anyway; can't find any of her info, at all (e-mail address, etc.). Was going to message her via Facebook, but I can't even do that. I might still be able to message him, but I don't plan on doing that any time soon. Besides, if I write directly to him, he's liable to tell my mom, and I'm not quite comfortable yet with her knowing that I know what she's been doing. At least if I could've gotten a hold of his wife, I might've been able to convince her to keep quiet on where she got her info.

 

I'll have to keep an eye on my mom this week... I'm home basically every week day during the morning/ early afternoon, so if she gets more "secret phone calls", I'll know. I'm hoping, though, that it's just this one other guy she's after. I mean, she's 60 years old, she doesn't really have any friends, she doesn't even leave the house without me and/ or my dad. *sigh* I was a little worried when, earlier in the year, she signed up to Facebook to keep in touch with family, and became addicted to it. I know Facebook has been good for causing problems between younger and middle-aged couples, but I can't believe it's actually causing problems for the relationships of people in their 60s. @_@

[You Go Girl]

Quit over-analyzing this thing. Stare straight into your mom's eyes with confidence and a steady strong voice and tell her that you know she is having all these secret phone calls with this guy in the basement, that you know she has written inappropriate things to him on facebook and that you read some of them, and that you know that she is pressing this man to have an affair with her.

She's going to be angry with you and that's just too bad.

If she gets irate, just walk away. You have nothing to lose. She sure isn't going to throw you out while you have the goods on her, she couldn't explain that to her husband.

But do remember this could come back to bite you in the arse.

 

If she wants to talk about it honestly at all, then ask her why she thinks she needs a man other than your father to fill her desires, and ask her if she understands how uncomfortable this position is for you to be in.

[Inflikted]

I read a few more of their Facebook messages. It's hard to tell with him, because most the stuff he writes to my mom is just about what he's doing or working on, etc., not about "them". He said he'd call her tomorrow (which would be today), though...

 

She wrote back and told him how, 40 years ago, she was so in love with him, and now that they're friends again, it's hard for her to keep that stuff from coming back. She says she doesn't "want to be in love with him again", or something to that effect. She told him she didn't think she'd be able to talk on the phone because her son (that'd be me) would be home. She told him she could text, though... Meh.

 

She must've said something else to him elsewhere, because he later wrote her another message, in which he seemed slightly panicked about something she said, that his wife (or someone else) was onto them. He was confused, and said he didn't tell anyone else, and that neither he or my mom were Facebook friends with his wife. Not sure what that's all about, though, as I don't know what my mom said to him that prompted him to respond that way.

[Owl]

My last suggestions for you.

 

If you change nothing...expect nothing to change.

 

If you want something to change...change something.

 

Right now, you're monitoring all of this, but changing nothing.

[In Like Flynn]

(I will probably get flamed for this!!) But are you eating popcorn while reading these emails??

 

Look if you are not strong enough to intervene then just stop. You have enough to threaten your mom to stop and if she doesn't its enough to show your dad.

[Confused4Now]

My last suggestions for you.

 

If you change nothing...expect nothing to change.

 

If you want something to change...change something.

 

Right now, you're monitoring all of this, but changing nothing.

Exactly....I'm with Owl in all of this....Nothing is going to change. I ask what is happening in your life that you can spend so much time on this? I honestly hate FB I turned my off cause it caused more problems with relationships.

[Inflikted]

I ask what is happening in your life that you can spend so much time on this?

 

Eh... Well, not a whole lot, really. Most of my time goes towards school work for college, or my part-time job. I don't have much of a social life, either, so that frees up more of my time. Sad, I know, but that's not the point.

 

I've only REALLY started to become bothered by it when she started getting phone calls from the guy. Yeah, I was uncomfortable knowing she was chatting him on Facebook for months, but that's still relatively innocent. Ever since those phone calls I caught her having, last week, it's just had me really rattled about the whole thing.

 

Truth be told, I only keep "updating" this post for my own purposes. I don't feel as I have a proper opportunity to "strike" this issue, yet, and so posting updates here sort of lets me vent my frustrations. Being able to put my thoughts and feelings on the subject out there kind of helps calm me down a bit, and I don't really have anyone else to talk to this about, so...

[Chi townD]

DUDE! You know that when she talks to this guy, where does she go? The Basement. So, go to Radio Shack and get a voice activated recorder and guess where you hid this thing? THE BASEMENT. You can get enough evidence then.

[Owl]

Voice activated digital recorders are VERY cheap nowadays.

 

But...my question is why bother?

 

There's no value in gathering more evidence if you don't have a plan on what you're going to do with it.

 

Dad is apparently not mentally/emotionally competent, and so Inflikted can't/won't expose the information to him.

 

There's NO value at all in Inflikted attempting to confront "mom", even with proof. Inflikted has no power/authority over mom, and even mom can figure out that if Inflikted hasn't gone to dad by now, Inflikted never will.

 

Mom will continue to gaslight you, even if you had photographic evidence. Mom knows you've got no other recourse...all mom will do is to conduct some damage control, and spin this all to make you look like an idiot.

 

By now, she knows you know or suspect...but she's still got no REASON to change because there's nothing you can/will actually do about it.

 

If you can't take this to dad, then you might as well accept it or learn to ignore it. Because frankly there isn't anything YOU can do about it...the only person who COULD would be dad.

[YellowShark]

Ya know I've read through this thread and stand by my original advice back on page one.

 

STAY OUT OF IT!

 

As the son you are not responsible for managing your parents relationship. That's ass-backwards. If it was a life and death situation, I would say do something. Since it is not life and death, this is not a ball you need to pick up and run with.

 

Let your parents deal with their own baggage.. and since your mother is gaslighting you when you questioned her, I can see it's gonna lead to nothing but trouble for you Inflikted.

 

Just my 2 cents.

[Jonah]

Confront anomalously. Is that spelled right?

 

Create a an anonymous e-mail account. Through that a Facebook account, let the guy know someone is on to them and will tell the world.

 

Maybe too silly I know. But it might freak the guy out enough to where he will go away.

[someday]

IMO, if you keep your feelings secret from her then you are no better in the long run. I'd say tell her what you know, how you know and what you feel about it. Then let her decide what she's going to do.

 

See, the way I see it is that she's going to do what she's going to do anyway...but she will be making a choice based on a fantasy of the past. What she has now is reality. By telling her what you know and how you feel will give her a taste of the reality that she might be creating for not only herself but you and your dad...and sibling is you have any...and this guy and his family...and...the number of people that this could impact is huge.

 

I would highly suggest that when you talk to her do not “confront” her, just say what you gotta say. No need to guilt her with words (she’s going to guilt herself enough on her own) no need to make her feel bad (she’s going to feel bad enough on her own) no need to threaten (she’s a grown woman who can and will make her own choices)…just tell her you know.

 

Oh, and don’t contact the guy or his family. That’s his life and his business let him deal with that how he sees fit.

Edited December 8, 2010 by someday

[fltc]

'Someday' nailed it, pay attention!

[Owl]

I disagree.

 

She doesn't feel all that bad if she's already attempting to gaslight her adult child into butting out of it.

 

I don't believe she's feeling much guilt at all at this point. Her actions certainly don't reflect any feelings of remorse or guilt...only selfishness and cunning in how she manipulated the situation to get free texting/etc... so she could further her affair.

 

As far as the "other man's business"...when his life INTENTIONALLY and DELIBERATELY extended to include her (and by default others involved in her life) he gave up any reasonable expectation that people should just "butt out and mind their own business" when they're directly impacted by the affair as OP is.

 

Personally, I'd like to see some REAL change take place here.

 

But it doesn't seem likely to happen with circumstances as Inflikted has indicated them...Dad isn't going to be told, and so no real change can occur.

[someday]

I disagree.

 

She doesn't feel all that bad if she's already attempting to gaslight her adult child into butting out of it.

 

I don't believe she's feeling much guilt at all at this point. Her actions certainly don't reflect any feelings of remorse or guilt...only selfishness and cunning in how she manipulated the situation to get free texting/etc... so she could further her affair.

 

As far as the "other man's business"...when his life INTENTIONALLY and DELIBERATELY extended to include her (and by default others involved in her life) he gave up any reasonable expectation that people should just "butt out and mind their own business" when they're directly impacted by the affair as OP is.

 

Personally, I'd like to see some REAL change take place here.

 

But it doesn't seem likely to happen with circumstances as Inflikted has indicated them...Dad isn't going to be told, and so no real change can occur.

 

Why would she feel any guilt now? Seeings as how she believes that no one knows? Maybe she is feeling some sort of ‘imaginary guilt’ now that’s based on her own morality/ethics…but I tell you for me (idk if it’s a woman thing or not) if one of my children looked me in the eye as said “I love you and don’t want you to speak to OM ever again” that would hold more weight than anything I could ever imagine in my life. What I feel now is imaginary guilt and it’s horrible…but for my kids to show me that they knew?? That would be unbearable for me.

 

The other guy is just some guy. His W may or may not care one way or the other. His W may not even want to know and sweep it all under the rug. Maybe they have an open M? maybe the W will ‘kill the messenger’ no, not really KILL but blame them and justify her own reason for not believing the info…Maybe…maybe…maybe…. Way too many maybes in that scenarios. Too may loose ends, unstable…

 

I think the parents inner workings of their R is not the child’s business. I think, even tho Inflikted sounds like an adult, that to know too much of the parents R issues is not healthy for him. (sorry to talk about you like your not in the room)…The M issues are not his issues they are his parents. His issue, right now, is that his mom is trying to play him for a fool. I think it’s important for him to stand up for himself to his mom in a respectful way. This isn’t really so much about his parents as it is about him…and the awkward situation that he finds himself in. It’s not his job to fix his parents M. His job is to grow up to be a emotionally, spiritually, mentally, physically healthy man.

 

IMVHO.

[Mimolicious]

DUDE! You know that when she talks to this guy, where does she go? The Basement. So, go to Radio Shack and get a voice activated recorder and guess where you hid this thing? THE BASEMENT. You can get enough evidence then.

 

Go to Toys R' Us...

 

and Like Lyn In Like Flynn said, I also think you are getting a kick out of this. You said that your father is non-confrontational, seems to run in the fams then. What are you waiting for???????????? Fot this A to turn physical? Geez...

 

Either say something or look the other way. It is what it is! Your mother is playing around, you know it and you are doing NADA about it. Cut it out, tell your dad, tell your grandma, sister, or SOMEONE that will have the balls to face her and tell her that they know what she is up to.

[Spark1111]

Well, I think inflikted should sit them both down AT THE SAME TIME and tell them what he does know.

 

He should also tell them that keeping this secret makes him extremely uncomfortable.

 

He should also tell both of them that now that he has disclosed what he knows, he wants to know NO MORE of it and he will not takes sides.

 

If they have no further questions for him, he should leave the premises with "I will support whatever actions and decisions you should make TOGETHER. But I truly hope you will work this out with each other. Until then, please keep me out of it."

[someday]

Well, I think inflikted should sit them both down AT THE SAME TIME and tell them what he does know.

 

He should also tell them that keeping this secret makes him extremely uncomfortable.

 

He should also tell both of them that now that he has disclosed what he knows, he wants to know NO MORE of it and he will not takes sides.

 

If they have no further questions for him, he should leave the premises with "I will support whatever actions and decisions you should make TOGETHER. But I truly hope you will work this out with each other. Until then, please keep me out of it."

 

I can imagine that this would make him feel like he is betrying his mother and kinda like he's setting her up for a suprise ambush attack. No matter what she's done or not done she is STILL his mother.

 

His dad isn't keeping secrets from him, so why drag him into this? His mother's lying to his fater is not Infliked's problem.

 

Like I said, I believe his problme is that his mother is lying to him. He's got to address that, now, in order to move beyond it.

[Owl]

I can imagine that this would make him feel like he is betrying his mother and kinda like he's setting her up for a suprise ambush attack. No matter what she's done or not done she is STILL his mother.

 

I can absolutely understand this. Inflikted is caught in the middle.

 

His dad isn't keeping secrets from him, so why drag him into this? His mother's lying to his fater is not Infliked's problem.

 

His dad gets brought in because Inflikted's mom isn't just lying to Inflikted. She's also betraying his dad, and Inflikted is aware of it. It IS Inflikted's problem, because Inflikted is aware of it.

 

It became Inflikted's problem because dear old mom got Inflikted involved when Inflikted discovered evidence of the affair.

 

Like I said, I believe his problme is that his mother is lying to him. He's got to address that, now, in order to move beyond it.

 

I absolutely agree that PART of Inflikted's problem is the fact this dear old mom continues to lie.

 

But...kids (even adult children) are impacted by their parent's relationship.

 

A family isn't a vacuum jar, where one aspect is completely and totally seperated from another. On the contrary, if the kids are living at home, it's all jumbled together and everyone is impacted by everything.

 

How Mom treats Dad impacts Inflikted.

 

It's just that simple.

 

We may have to agree to disagree on this, Someday. But I'll tell you from my experience as a BS...my wife's EA absolutely impacted our kids (teens at the time)...and they had every right to say how they felt about it, and to respond to it based on how they felt and what they were taught.

 

It was an unavoidable consequence from the moment the affair started.

[someday]

I can absolutely understand this. Inflikted is caught in the middle.

 

 

 

His dad gets brought in because Inflikted's mom isn't just lying to Inflikted. She's also betraying his dad, and Inflikted is aware of it. It IS Inflikted's problem, because Inflikted is aware of it.

 

It became Inflikted's problem because dear old mom got Inflikted involved when Inflikted discovered evidence of the affair.

 

 

 

I absolutely agree that PART of Inflikted's problem is the fact this dear old mom continues to lie.

 

But...kids (even adult children) are impacted by their parent's relationship.

 

A family isn't a vacuum jar, where one aspect is completely and totally seperated from another. On the contrary, if the kids are living at home, it's all jumbled together and everyone is impacted by everything.

 

How Mom treats Dad impacts Inflikted.

 

It's just that simple.

 

We may have to agree to disagree on this, Someday. But I'll tell you from my experience as a BS...my wife's EA absolutely impacted our kids (teens at the time)...and they had every right to say how they felt about it, and to respond to it based on how they felt and what they were taught.

 

It was an unavoidable consequence from the moment the affair started.

 

Ok, well let’s say it’s not his biggest problem. His biggest problem is how to handle this situation. He’s uncomfortable calling his mom on it to begin with, I think having his dad right there when he calls his mom on it will be nearly impossible for him to do. So, why not start in baby steps? Tell his mom, wait and see, then if need be tell his dad.

 

Remember I was a BS too. I know how much it hurts and how it impact the kids. I’m not saying that a family is a vacuum, I know it’s not- in fact I know that *everything* is interconnected and we can never really know where the ripples we create will lead or who/what they will touch. I think that we should all reflect deeply and tread mindfully. This is a starting point for him.

[phillyfan]

About three or four months ago, I stumbled on something very troubling. In shock, I couldn't control myself from snooping, and I found out that my mom has been trying to elicit an affair with an old flame. She's still married to my dad and, having lived with them all my life (and still living at home, at 21), they've never once seemed unhappy together. To make matters worse, the "old flame" is also happily married, with about three kids around my age.

 

They apparently got back in touch through Facebook; that's how I've been "snooping", because my mom doesn't realize how easy it is to access old messages and e-mails. I know it's wrong for me to have snooped, and I do regret it, if only because I wish I didn't know any of this now... My mom and I have always been very close, and I never in a million years thought she'd try to do something like this. Some of the things I've seen her write to this guy have been pretty appalling in and of themselves.

 

Thankfully, the guy in question hasn't seemed to reciprocate interest in having an affair; he does want to be close friends with her, though, and my mom still seems dead set on doing more with him than being just friends... They've also apparently started text messaging each other, lately, though I haven't been "snooping" on those.

 

About an hour ago, I think he called her, and they were talking for about 45 minutes. When he called she told me it was one of her brothers calling, and she quickly ran into the basement to talk. I had been making myself lunch when this happened, so I was in and out of the kitchen (which is near the basement), and based on some of the things I heard her saying, that definitely wasn't her brother she was talking to. I don't know if it was this guy, or not, but it seems likely.

 

So, now I'm in a horribly awkward place. I know it was horribly wrong for me to have snooped at all, but I don't know where I go from here. On one hand, I'm absolutely shocked to find this kind of thing out about my own mom; like I said, her and I have always been very close. I'm also worried, because I don't want to see my family fall apart from her messing around with this other guy. Even if he doesn't seem interesting in an affair, how do I know there won't be other "old flames"? And considering how he still wants to be friends with my mom, I don't trust my mom anymore not to try to make something happen, should they meet up in person...

 

The worst part is, though, I can't do anything about this. If I confront her, she'll know I snooped, and that'd definitely cause problems (and considering some of the things she's messaged, she'd probably be horribly embarrassed to know that I've seen them). I kinda tried catching her in a lie after she got off the phone a little while ago, but she's pretty quick on her feet with making cover stories, so I couldn't crack her.

 

I just don't know how to handle this... It makes me sick just thinking about all this. It bothers me that my dad doesn't have any inclination whatsoever that this is going on. It really hurts me that my mom is even going through great lengths to lie to me and "pull the wool over my eyes". It hurts even more to know that after almost 22 years of bonding with my mom, I feel like I don't even know who she is anymore, because of this. To her, though, I'm just playing dumb, and acting like nothing's bothering me. I mean, there's not much else I can do.

 

I almost want to get away from it all. I don't have anywhere to go, though, nor do I have the funds to get my own place, at the moment. Hell, I can't even afford a car for myself, let alone a place to live. I'm working a crummy part time job, and putting myself through college. So, I'm stuck here for the time being. I dunno. Sorry this post went on so long, I just... I'm really at a loss here.

 

DUDE TELL YOUR MOM. Tell her you know, and that u are upset and disappointed in her. Ask her to fix it, and she'l come to her senses pretty dam quick. Rite now its a fantasy land game to her. She'l come back to earth with one hell of a bad azz bump when she knows her boy knows what shes been doin.

[Spark1111]

Ok, well let’s say it’s not his biggest problem. His biggest problem is how to handle this situation. He’s uncomfortable calling his mom on it to begin with, I think having his dad right there when he calls his mom on it will be nearly impossible for him to do. So, why not start in baby steps? Tell his mom, wait and see, then if need be tell his dad.

 

Remember I was a BS too. I know how much it hurts and how it impact the kids. I’m not saying that a family is a vacuum, I know it’s not- in fact I know that *everything* is interconnected and we can never really know where the ripples we create will lead or who/what they will touch. I think that we should all reflect deeply and tread mindfully. This is a starting point for him.

 

Because I believe this is worse. It is setting inflikted to be the parent: He then has all the continued anxiety of waiting to see IF his mother does the right thing.

 

....What if she does not?

 

He is then left in the lurch and back to square one. Nothing has changed for Inflikted.

 

He should speak his mind to both at the same time, and bow at gracefully as the ball is now in his parent's court to do as they wish.

 

Hopefully, THEY will act like adults and figure it out.

[Spark1111]

Ok, well let’s say it’s not his biggest problem. His biggest problem is how to handle this situation. He’s uncomfortable calling his mom on it to begin with, I think having his dad right there when he calls his mom on it will be nearly impossible for him to do. So, why not start in baby steps? Tell his mom, wait and see, then if need be tell his dad.

 

Remember I was a BS too. I know how much it hurts and how it impact the kids. I’m not saying that a family is a vacuum, I know it’s not- in fact I know that *everything* is interconnected and we can never really know where the ripples we create will lead or who/what they will touch. I think that we should all reflect deeply and tread mindfully. This is a starting point for him.

 

And Someday, why in the world would you want a child who knows this situation to protect the potentially cheating parent from the consequences of voicing his concerns to the innocent parent?

 

Isn't that enabling the cheater at the expense of the child's concerns and the BS?

[someday]

Because I believe this is worse. It is setting inflikted to be the parent: He then has all the continued anxiety of waiting to see IF his mother does the right thing.

 

....What if she does not?

 

He is then left in the lurch and back to square one. Nothing has changed for Inflikted.

 

He should speak his mind to both at the same time, and bow at gracefully as the ball is now in his parent's court to do as they wish.

 

Hopefully, THEY will act like adults and figure it out.

 

Originally, I thought it best for him to view this as his relationship with his mother. Not place himself between his parents. This idea of mine (baby steps) was in referral to Owl's thoughts, only…not that I truly think it’s a good idea.

 

I still think that this is an issue between his mom and him- and is about her lying to him not her betrayal of his dad. That’s between them and is not his problem. I think for him to confront both is like him trying to control the situation. If he speaks his truth to his mom it's about him standing up for himself.

[someday]

And Someday, why in the world would you want a child who knows this situation to protect the potentially cheating parent from the consequences of voicing his concerns to the innocent parent?

 

Isn't that enabling the cheater at the expense of the child's concerns and the BS?

 

We all need to know when to let go. It's not his problem. Sure it impacts him (for sure) but it's still not his problem. If he views this as his responsibility to fix his parent's problems he is setting himself up...because not one of us knows what the future holds...it could go any way. He's got to let go of the outcome. He does that by not getting involved in the minute details of the problem.

 

It's not enabling the cheater...it's standing up for himself.