Owl Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 Well, like I said. Your options are to either do something about it, or accept it.
Author Inflikted Posted December 3, 2010 Author Posted December 3, 2010 I'm gonna try to spring something on her when she gets off the phone. I plan to play it subtle, and act like it's just a "gut feeling", rather than telling her I know, but I'm still nervous. I'm almost shaking, physically, as I type this right now. I just can't take it...
whichwayisup Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 I'm gonna try to spring something on her when she gets off the phone. I plan to play it subtle, and act like it's just a "gut feeling", rather than telling her I know, but I'm still nervous. I'm almost shaking, physically, as I type this right now. I just can't take it... You need to calm down and think. Don't react or say anything to her while you're emotional and shakey, otherwise you will handle this the wrong way. Go for a walk and clear your head. I am sorry that your mom is doing something she shouldn't be doing and now you have suspicions and it's affecting you so much. No kid of any age should have to deal with this, let alone be the one who has to do something about it. I have an idea in the meantime..Tell your dad to dress up, get flowers and surprise "mom" , take her out to dinner. Maybe, just maybe your mom will see that she has a husband who loves her and she doesn't need attention from another man.
goingstrong Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 Inf, you had better get your ducks in a row before you confront, or else you will be portrayed as a marriage wrecker by both when she convinces your dad that she is innocent.
Author Inflikted Posted December 3, 2010 Author Posted December 3, 2010 I inquired about her phone call, and she made up some other lie. I told her she's been acting really weird lately, what with her little "mystery" phone calls in the basement, and she just made excuses as to why she goes in the basement to talk, sticking to her guns about how I always eavesdrop when she talks to my sister or grandma. I told her something felt off about her, and that I had a bad feeling in my gut about her, and she just basically laughed me off, and told me I was "funny".
whichwayisup Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 See? She's sweeping it under the rug and making a joke of it. Anyway, what is SO personal that she has to go to the basement and hide when she talks to your sister (how old is your sister btw?) or her mom. What is so personal that she cannot discuss or have you overhear? You handled that well, unfortunately she is good..Good at hiding this and pretending she's up to something she knows she shouldn't be doing. I say, since you're calmer now, talk to her again and ask her not to dismiss your fears, your concerns, that you think she is having or to being in an affair. do it calmly and state it as a fact.
Owl Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 WWIU, I get your point my friend, but there's not an ice cube's chance on the surface of the sun that "mom" is going to confess or change unless she's confronted with irrefutable "evidence". And if Inflikted tries to get mom to change by presenting said "evidence", she'll just gaslight and use her position of "mom" to minimize and negate anything that Inflikted says/does to the contrary. The only person with "power" to force change here is going to be dad. Dad needs to be given the "evidence" so that he can force change...or not, as he chooses. Even as an adult...Inflikted is still the child and mom is the parent and mom isn't going to change based off of Inflikted's feelings. Mom is only going to change when FORCED to make change.
eamherst14051 Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 why don't you call your Grandma and/or Sister to verify if any conversations took place!
goingstrong Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 Anyway, what is SO personal that she has to go to the basement and hide when she talks to your sister (how old is your sister btw?) or her mom. What is so personal that she cannot discuss or have you overhear? In cases where people do not have authority over someone...the child with the mother....this approach will never work. If my grown son asked me this, I would tell him to go to h*** it is none of his business...regardless of the circumstances. Besides, if by some chance I decided that I wanted to answer that question, there are an thousand different legit or smart butt answers....We were talking about you, we talking about gift ides..etc
Author Inflikted Posted December 3, 2010 Author Posted December 3, 2010 That's the thing, she doesn't really run off when she talks to my sister or grandma. I should've brought that up when I "confronted" her a little while ago, and I'm kicking myself for not... The first time it happened yesterday, she told me it was her brother on the phone. Today, she told me it was an old (female) friend. Problem is, she's now on the phone with my sister (I can tell just by the things she's talking about), and she's trying to hang around by the basement, probably to allow her to be able to say "See! I take all my phone calls away from you!". I dunno, admittedly, in the past, when she talked to my sister or grandma, I did inquire about some of the things they said (mostly the things that concerned me), and that seems to be her basis for saying "You're so nosy when I'm on the phone, so I'm going to purposely hide my phone conversations!". Just now, she told me she "told on me" to both my dad and my sister on the phone that I'm being really nosy, so now she's apparently getting them on her side. v_v Now we're just being bitter and annoyed with each other... As far as my dad goes, like I said... He's too much of a wild card to divulge this to. He almost had a mental break down when he lost his job last year. He's teetering on the edge right now, because the job he's at not isn't necessarily stable. I don't know how he'd react if he found out his wife was trying to get with someone else. I don't want him to go over the edge, and I don't know what he'd do if he does... I'm scared to death he might try to kill himself, or something crazy.
Darth Vader Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 That's the thing, she doesn't really run off when she talks to my sister or grandma. I should've brought that up when I "confronted" her a little while ago, and I'm kicking myself for not... The first time it happened yesterday, she told me it was her brother on the phone. Today, she told me it was an old (female) friend. Problem is, she's now on the phone with my sister (I can tell just by the things she's talking about), and she's trying to hang around by the basement, probably to allow her to be able to say "See! I take all my phone calls away from you!". I dunno, admittedly, in the past, when she talked to my sister or grandma, I did inquire about some of the things they said (mostly the things that concerned me), and that seems to be her basis for saying "You're so nosy when I'm on the phone, so I'm going to purposely hide my phone conversations!". Just now, she told me she "told on me" to both my dad and my sister on the phone that I'm being really nosy, so now she's apparently getting them on her side. v_v Now we're just being bitter and annoyed with each other... As far as my dad goes, like I said... He's too much of a wild card to divulge this to. He almost had a mental break down when he lost his job last year. He's teetering on the edge right now, because the job he's at not isn't necessarily stable. I don't know how he'd react if he found out his wife was trying to get with someone else. I don't want him to go over the edge, and I don't know what he'd do if he does... I'm scared to death he might try to kill himself, or something crazy. Your father needs to know, he may already have a feeling of what's going on, confirm his supicions. Tell you Father what your mom's doing!
Author Inflikted Posted December 4, 2010 Author Posted December 4, 2010 Your father needs to know, he may already have a feeling of what's going on, confirm his supicions. Tell you Father what your mom's doing! Unfortunately, he doesn't. He's... er, not very intuitive, with that kind of thing. He seems to feel everything is perfectly fine. I snooped on a couple more of their messages, though. My mom apparently wrote one last night, claiming to be drunk because she was upset with this guy for turning down her advances. She wasn't drunk last night, and hell, I've never seen her drink at all, so I don't know what that's about. More troubling, though, the guy seems like he may be coming around to the idea... I dunno if she's guilting him, too, or what, but I don't like it... Last night, my mom was giving me and my dad her little fabricated story about the phone call she took earlier in the day. She was telling us that her old (female) friend told her she was messing around with a married guy, and wanted my mom to cover for her, or some stuff like that. We kind of briefly discussed cheating, and all seemed to be on the same page that it was bad. I dunno what that was all about... On the plus side, though, I've been doing some thinking, and I can't really think of any way my mom could actually meet up with this guy to do anything with him. She almost never leaves the house without me or my dad to go anywhere, and I'm home most of the time in the day, and my dad is home most of the time in the night. So, there really aren't many opportunities, that I can see, for her to go do stuff... I don't think she would run the risk of inviting him over, either, as, like I said, there isn't much time she's alone in the house; plus, the neighbors would probably be pretty suspicious... *sigh* I dunno.
Bryanp Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 Why don't you tell your mom what you know and quote from the messages you have read. Tell her if she does not stop you will tell your dad (even though we know you won't). She does not know what you know so you need to tell her and have her stop playing this stupid and hurtful game. Good luck.
In Like Flynn Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 Right now you have unwillingly become part of the cover-up. Time to wake you mother up before it becomes to late.
Author Inflikted Posted December 4, 2010 Author Posted December 4, 2010 Part of me is tempted to write this other guy on Facebook and tell him to back off. >_< With any luck, maybe my mom just likes the attention, or she's purposely trying to get back at this other guy for something that happened between them when they were younger. I know that's not something to bank on, but at least it's a best case scenario...
Fight4Me Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 This really breaks my heart... that someone's child (while an adult) ends up bearing the brunt of this burden. As a mom, I would be positively mortified at my kids' discovery of my own impropriety, and I'd like to believe it would shake me into reality if confronted. Given her gaslighting you, I would do the following: 1. Go silent, and go stealth. Do not raise the subject again for now. Meanwhile, take screen shots of the messages you happen to find. This is the best evidence because there's no way to refute it. To take a screen shot, click "print screen" and then open a Word document and paste it there and save. Continue to do this until you feel you have irrefutable proof. 2. As difficult as it may be, sit on the information and be patient. 3. I know you really hate the idea of having to present the evidence to your dad, but I can guarantee that allowing your mom's EA (emotional affair) to run its course will make things a thousand times worse for your father. You are worried about his state of mind, but it's highly probable that you underestimate his resiliency. I know if that if my oldest daughter had been in your shoes, she would have thought the same thing about me. I was very very ill when my fWH's A came to light, but in spite of my condition, I rose up and handled myself in ways that surprised everyone. I think it's natural for a son or daughter to want to protect their parents, even if misguided. Bringing this to your father may be exactly what their marriage needs. It can be a wake-up call that prompts marriage counseling, and IC for each of them. Yeah, this sucks, but it doesn't mean it has to be the death of their marriage... far from it. If your parents belong to a church, you could also make an appointment with the pastor and consult with him privately about this. He can help you disclose this to your father and assist in counseling. Just an idea. I'm so sorry you're in this position. It just isn't fair to you.
Author Inflikted Posted December 4, 2010 Author Posted December 4, 2010 @Fight4Me: I'll try to do all that, but I don't know how much "incriminating" stuff I can possibly get on her, anymore. It seems like things between her and this other guy are moving to phone, now, and their old messages are pretty much all gone. I have no way of seeing what, if any, incriminating text messages she might have, and there's really no way for me to use her actual phone conversations as proof.
whichwayisup Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 Hide a voice actived recorder in the basement since that's where her calls take place.
Author Inflikted Posted December 4, 2010 Author Posted December 4, 2010 Hah, might be kinda tough... Don't really have access to something like that. Not that I'm definitely going to go through with this, but... I wonder if it'd be inappropriate for me to try to contact this guy's wife, show her what I've found, and try to get her to at least get him to pull back. At least I might be able to fly under the radar, that way, and if it gets him out of the picture, that might put a stop to what my mom's scheming... Doubt I could get away with that, though. v_v
Darth Vader Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 Hah, might be kinda tough... Don't really have access to something like that. Not that I'm definitely going to go through with this, but... I wonder if it'd be inappropriate for me to try to contact this guy's wife, show her what I've found, and try to get her to at least get him to pull back. At least I might be able to fly under the radar, that way, and if it gets him out of the picture, that might put a stop to what my mom's scheming... Doubt I could get away with that, though. v_v Heck, that's a good idea, inform the OM's wife! I say do it! Make the OM have to answer for what he doing, besides, his wife has a right to know what's going on in her marriage too! There's no need to tell your mom about informing her OM's wife!
wicar1 Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 Hah, might be kinda tough... Don't really have access to something like that. Not that I'm definitely going to go through with this, but... I wonder if it'd be inappropriate for me to try to contact this guy's wife, show her what I've found, and try to get her to at least get him to pull back. At least I might be able to fly under the radar, that way, and if it gets him out of the picture, that might put a stop to what my mom's scheming... Doubt I could get away with that, though. v_v That's something which might help BUT dont you think your father deserves the truth?? Do you really think your father will NEVER come to know the fact his wife's cheating on him? I bet it will hurt him more if he finds out by himself or from others. -I do not think you can stop your mom because she's knows what she does and she will do it no matter what you try. -Even if you somehow managed to stop her now, I am sure she will do it again and again
worlybear Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 Just come right out and tell her you suspect something is "off" and think she's cheating on your father. Do not mention the emails, facebook or anything like that, just say, it's a vibe a get when you're on the phone, you sneak away and act odd afterwards, and it's made you wonder. Tell her point blank, I hope you're not cheating on dad. Look her in the eye when you talk to her, be confident and don't look away. If she asks you how you know, just say she's been acting odd and the energy about her has shifted, plus the fact she talks about this guy alot, goes away and hides when she's on the phone. Her behaviour overall is suspect. I agree with this. My (then) 18 yr old son overheard his father making arrangements to meet up with a "work colleague." He has always deeply regretted that he didn't call his father out on it.
Fight4Me Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 Part of me is tempted to write this other guy on Facebook and tell him to back off. >_< With any luck, maybe my mom just likes the attention, or she's purposely trying to get back at this other guy for something that happened between them when they were younger. I know that's not something to bank on, but at least it's a best case scenario... Hah, might be kinda tough... Don't really have access to something like that. Not that I'm definitely going to go through with this, but... I wonder if it'd be inappropriate for me to try to contact this guy's wife, show her what I've found, and try to get her to at least get him to pull back. At least I might be able to fly under the radar, that way, and if it gets him out of the picture, that might put a stop to what my mom's scheming... Doubt I could get away with that, though. v_v Your mom likes the attention this guy gives her and there are probably a whole host of other reasons why she is doing what she's doing. While I am not opposed to you confronting this man or sending a message to his wife, it still doesn't fix the root of the problem... what is broken in your mom. Unless she is forced to deal with her issues, she will repeat this behavior with someone else. You'd essentially be using spackle to fix an earthquake fault. @Fight4Me: I'll try to do all that, but I don't know how much "incriminating" stuff I can possibly get on her, anymore. It seems like things between her and this other guy are moving to phone, now, and their old messages are pretty much all gone. I have no way of seeing what, if any, incriminating text messages she might have, and there's really no way for me to use her actual phone conversations as proof. Who pays the cell phone bills? Do they come in paper or electronic form? If you can get your hands on just one of those, you'll have all the evidence you need as one number will always be showing up as texting and/or calls. Whatever you do, don't even attempt to talk to his wife until you have concrete proof as she will desperately want to believe her husband, then not only are you back at Square One, but then the entire thing will have gone underground. I know it's hard, but patience ALWAYS pays off. They always get too comfortable and screw up, that's why I advise backing off and staying observant, collecting what you can. By the way, do you know if this guy is local or a fair distance away?
Author Inflikted Posted December 5, 2010 Author Posted December 5, 2010 Who pays the cell phone bills? Do they come in paper or electronic form? If you can get your hands on just one of those, you'll have all the evidence you need as one number will always be showing up as texting and/or calls. My mom handles the bills, unfortunately. I can rarely get access to the mail, either. Yeah, I'll try to hold off on actually doing anything. Just planning ahead, I guess. Heh. By the way, do you know if this guy is local or a fair distance away? Hm. I can't really remember. He's at least semi-local; if I remember correctly, he lives in a city that's about 20-30 minutes (at minimum) away.
alexandria35 Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 Instead of going to the MM's wife (because she will want concrete proof, which there is none) or your father (again, lack of proof), could you talk to the MM himself? Tell him that you know what is going on and if he doesn't back off you are going to tell his wife. Tell him you have proof. This might put a stop to things because by the sounds of it this guy hasn't been all that gungho about having an affair anyways. I'm thinking that if he knows other people know what is going on he is going to freak out and cut your mother off.
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