I'm in a VERY awkward position...

[Inflikted]

About three or four months ago, I stumbled on something very troubling. In shock, I couldn't control myself from snooping, and I found out that my mom has been trying to elicit an affair with an old flame. She's still married to my dad and, having lived with them all my life (and still living at home, at 21), they've never once seemed unhappy together. To make matters worse, the "old flame" is also happily married, with about three kids around my age.

 

They apparently got back in touch through Facebook; that's how I've been "snooping", because my mom doesn't realize how easy it is to access old messages and e-mails. I know it's wrong for me to have snooped, and I do regret it, if only because I wish I didn't know any of this now... My mom and I have always been very close, and I never in a million years thought she'd try to do something like this. Some of the things I've seen her write to this guy have been pretty appalling in and of themselves.

 

Thankfully, the guy in question hasn't seemed to reciprocate interest in having an affair; he does want to be close friends with her, though, and my mom still seems dead set on doing more with him than being just friends... They've also apparently started text messaging each other, lately, though I haven't been "snooping" on those.

 

About an hour ago, I think he called her, and they were talking for about 45 minutes. When he called she told me it was one of her brothers calling, and she quickly ran into the basement to talk. I had been making myself lunch when this happened, so I was in and out of the kitchen (which is near the basement), and based on some of the things I heard her saying, that definitely wasn't her brother she was talking to. I don't know if it was this guy, or not, but it seems likely.

 

So, now I'm in a horribly awkward place. I know it was horribly wrong for me to have snooped at all, but I don't know where I go from here. On one hand, I'm absolutely shocked to find this kind of thing out about my own mom; like I said, her and I have always been very close. I'm also worried, because I don't want to see my family fall apart from her messing around with this other guy. Even if he doesn't seem interesting in an affair, how do I know there won't be other "old flames"? And considering how he still wants to be friends with my mom, I don't trust my mom anymore not to try to make something happen, should they meet up in person...

 

The worst part is, though, I can't do anything about this. If I confront her, she'll know I snooped, and that'd definitely cause problems (and considering some of the things she's messaged, she'd probably be horribly embarrassed to know that I've seen them). I kinda tried catching her in a lie after she got off the phone a little while ago, but she's pretty quick on her feet with making cover stories, so I couldn't crack her.

 

I just don't know how to handle this... It makes me sick just thinking about all this. It bothers me that my dad doesn't have any inclination whatsoever that this is going on. It really hurts me that my mom is even going through great lengths to lie to me and "pull the wool over my eyes". It hurts even more to know that after almost 22 years of bonding with my mom, I feel like I don't even know who she is anymore, because of this. To her, though, I'm just playing dumb, and acting like nothing's bothering me. I mean, there's not much else I can do.

 

I almost want to get away from it all. I don't have anywhere to go, though, nor do I have the funds to get my own place, at the moment. Hell, I can't even afford a car for myself, let alone a place to live. I'm working a crummy part time job, and putting myself through college. So, I'm stuck here for the time being. I dunno. Sorry this post went on so long, I just... I'm really at a loss here.

[quankanne]

not a pretty situation to welcome you to the world of adulthood, and I feel for you, In ...

 

maybe the best thing to do is bite the bullet and gently confront her with what you suspect AND discovered. My guess is that she'll do her best to make you believe you're imagining things (because she'll feel guilty), but tell her how much you love her and that you just hate knowing that she's doing this because it can only hurt her. In other words, assume the role of the adult and talk to her like your parents talk to you when they're concerned about your decisions. You'll know what language to use (and whether to use that guilt as a motivation to get straight) because of how your parents dealt with you.

 

if it comes to it, you can always throw in the old "I'm really disappointed in you" comment – more than likely, it's going to shock her to her senses when she realizes that her behavior doesn't only affect her, but others.

 

or do you feel comfortable with the idea of taking on a parent's role in this situation, or that she'll respond violently?

[Inflikted]

or do you feel comfortable with the idea of taking on a parent's role in this situation, or that she'll respond violently?

 

I'm... not sure, to be completely honest. We've never really had any major issues like this in the past, so doing that would be totally new grounds, to me, and I don't know that I could handle it right.

 

Plus, she already guilts me for snooping; she constantly accuses me of eavesdropping whenever she's on the phone with my sister or my grandma, but in all honesty, I'm usually just in the next room over doing my own thing, and I can happen to hear what she's saying. I always argue back "What do you want me to do, cover my ears every time you're on the phone with someone?", but that never gets anywhere.

[michelangelo]

She guilts you about the obvious calls to grandma because she also wants to guilt you for the cheating calls. Your mom is clever. She figures that it'll look routine and not suspicious that she wants call privacy on all calls. It's a cover for the calls she should not be doing.

 

I agree that you need to intrude on her fantasy. Her cover is blown.

 

If she gets mad, too bad for her.

 

She has put you in an awkward position. You know something that is hurting your father and your silence now puts you in the role of a conspirator. Not fair to you that your mother's activities are so reckless to be noticed by you.

 

Even the calls in the basement would be enough evidence to confront her with.

[Inflikted]

I just really wish I could catch her in a lie, or something... I don't think I have it in me to just bring it up out of the blue. I was really hoping that phone call in the basement could've been my chance to trip her up, but like I said, she covered it all too well... Part of me is starting to wonder if I'm crazy, if I'm reading too much into things. At the very least, I think I can afford to hold back my "confrontation" for the right time, as it doesn't seem like things are progressing between her and this guy. Every time I read one of her messages to him that I interpreted as overly flirtatious or sexual, his response always just kind of brushed it off and changed the subject. I think she's even annoyed with him about it (when she was having that phone conversation with him, I *think* I heard her saying something about how she doesn't understand what he's trying to tell her, considering she's throwing herself at him and not getting anything back). If I had to guess, I'd think he just likes the attention and doesn't intend to make trouble, but it still bothers me how persistent she is.

 

Something else that's weird is, she's always talking about this guy to me and my dad, but she always portrays him in a negative light. She says how he was really weird and creepy, when they were younger, and had a nervous tick, or something. She says he was always a loser, that did weird stuff. I'm not sure why she'd be saying all this stuff if she's so persistent to try to sleep with this guy. I mean, for one, why constantly talk about him to your husband and son? What's worse, why constantly berate the guy and make bad stuff up about him, in doing so? It seems so odd to me.

[YellowShark]

Something else that's weird is, she's always talking about this guy to me and my dad, but she always portrays him in a negative light. She says how he was really weird and creepy, when they were younger, and had a nervous tick, or something. She says he was always a loser, that did weird stuff. I'm not sure why she'd be saying all this stuff if she's so persistent to try to sleep with this guy. I mean, for one, why constantly talk about him to your husband and son? What's worse, why constantly berate the guy and make bad stuff up about him, in doing so? It seems so odd to me.

 

She is trying to gaslight you and your father. She is trying to make it seem like this guy is a loser - (her lame cover story) - but in reality she is trying to bang him.. and you've read the emails to that effect. Plain and simple. The lady doth protest too much as Shakespeare once wrote.

 

If it was me I would stay clear of it all. Let your mother and your father deal with their own baggage and you stay out of the way. It's all too messy. Don't get sucked up into their vortex because it will only cause trouble.

 

I know it's hard to stay out of it, but you will only get burnt if you get between your mother and father. And it sounds like the "old flame" is rejecting your mother which is a good thing.

 

Best of luck.

[karnak]

Inflikted:

 

Put yourself in the shoes of your father... what would you want your son to do if you were in his place?

 

Act according to your conscience.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Something else that's weird is, she's always talking about this guy to me and my dad, but she always portrays him in a negative light. She says how he was really weird and creepy, when they were younger, and had a nervous tick, or something. She says he was always a loser, that did weird stuff. I'm not sure why she'd be saying all this stuff if she's so persistent to try to sleep with this guy. I mean, for one, why constantly talk about him to your husband and son? What's worse, why constantly berate the guy and make bad stuff up about him, in doing so? It seems so odd to me.

 

Common tactic so that she can talk about him without raising suspicion.

 

Look, your in a bad situation... but consider it like she has some temporary insanity going on. You don't need to "catch" her doing anything. That's your Dad's job.

 

You need to sit her down and without giving details or allowing any discussion on the topic tell her you know what's going on. Tell her that you will not put up with it... that it hurts you to see her acting this way.... ect. Push every emotional button and tell her to cut all contact with the guy. 100%.

 

Crap... most of this stuff is your fathers job to do... but for the moment... you have to help him out. Suck balls. I hate these situations. I really hate them. I wish you could just tell your Dad whats up and let him sort the crap out. Is that possible? Can you show him the stuff and let him deal with your mom?

[Inflikted]

I wish you could just tell your Dad whats up and let him sort the crap out. Is that possible? Can you show him the stuff and let him deal with your mom?

 

Nearly all of the alarming messages and e-mails I had seen have already been discarded (they get deleted automatically after so much time has passed). I can't get access to her phone to know if she has any texts or any other tells from the guy. So, I virtually have no real proof. Plus, I... don't really know how my dad would take it. He's not a very confrontational "stand up and fight" kind of person (neither is my mom, really), and his self-esteem is pretty low as it is. I worry he'd either just walk away from it all, or worse yet, become depressed enough to do physical harm to himself.

 

I dunno... Honestly, I don't even know why my mom is so into this other guy... Having seen pics of him on Facebook, he's overweight and goofy-looking. My dad might not exactly be a "stud", but I really don't see what she sees in this other guy. It's even weirder, because my mom and this other guy are, like, 60. My dad's even about ten years younger. So, not only is it bizarre to know that 60 year olds are doing this kind of thing, but I also can't seem to figure out what she sees in this guy that gets her so hot and bothered, apparently...

[YellowShark]

Crap... most of this stuff is your fathers job to do... but for the moment... you have to help him out. Suck balls. I hate these situations. I really hate them. I wish you could just tell your Dad whats up and let him sort the crap out. Is that possible? Can you show him the stuff and let him deal with your mom?

 

I have to disagree. Mom will resent son for ratting her out to dad.. and snooping on her. That's what she will do. that is where her mind seems to be at since she is bad-mouthing the very same man she is trying to get into bed with. Her thought processes are not clear right now. She will see a betrayal rather than her son trying to steer her out of danger.

 

The best thing Inflikted can do is not to get between his mother and father. They need to deal with their own baggage, not the kid's responsibility. IMHO it's the best thing Inflikted can do in this ugly, unhealthy situation.

[Owl]

Tell your Dad that there's something he needs to see.

 

Sit down with him, show him the stuff you've found while "snooping" on FB. Tell him that you overheard a conversation earlier today where you KNOW your mom talked with this guy and lied to you claiming it was her brother.

 

Tell him you felt he needed to know.

 

Tell him you don't want to be caught in the middle, so you'd appreciate it if you weren't drug into it...ask that he not explain to his wife HOW he knows what's going on, only that he does.

 

And then sit back and let him decide what to do from there.

[YellowShark]

Tell your Dad that there's something he needs to see.

 

Tell him you don't want to be caught in the middle, so you'd appreciate it if you weren't drug into it...ask that he not explain to his wife HOW he knows what's going on, only that he does.

 

And then sit back and let him decide what to do from there.

 

If the dad can do that - (see bold) - then yes, tell your dad Inflikted. But rest assured mom will find out how dad found out eventually. So prepare for that eventuality.

 

IMHO it is not Inflikted's ball to pick up and run with, but that is just my opinion.

[Owl]

Then Inflikted can take a screenshot of mom's FB messages, and email them to dad from an anonymous, disposable, one-time to be used email account like yahoo or hotmail.

 

Dad probably just needs enough info to decide to investigate on his own.

[Inflikted]

Like I said, though, I don't think my dad would deal with it right. His self-esteem is low enough that this could really push him over the edge. Plus, as I also said, the most alarming messages and stuff that I had found have already been automatically deleted by now, so even if he could handle it better, I don't really have anything to show him.

 

I'm also concerned about telling my mom, because in the last few years, she's kind of had some heart problems. If I push the issue too hard, that might be pretty bad; at worst, she could feign it to immediately "win" the argument and make me feel bad for causing her to have to go to the hospital, or something.

 

I'm kind of waiting until the next time she goes into one of her stories about this guy, while my dad isn't around. My "plan" would then be to express annoyance about constantly hearing about this guy, and then raise suspicion from that, letting her know that I wouldn't approve of whatever she might be thinking. I think just her knowing that I'm suspicious and that I can sense something isn't right about her and this guy, that might scare her off from pursuing it. It'd create much less awkwardness for the family than by me flat-out letting her know I've seen a lot of the stuff she's said to this guy.

 

I dunno, like I said, I just need the right moment to actually pull this off, though. It's not an issue I can just randomly bring up, and it's something that's really delicate. If I push the issue the wrong way, that could cause way more trouble than it should, and I don't want to do that.

[YellowShark]

All I can say Inflikted is that you are in dangerous waters. Tread carefully. It's really not your ball to pick up and run with, your parent's marriage is their responsibility to manage, not yours.

 

If you decide to pick up that ball and run with it then take some time and think about the best way to do it Inflikted. Frankly I don't see one.

 

But if you are compelled to say something to your mother then maybe try a hypothetical question to open the door. Such as, "Mom, I have a good friend at school who is cheating on her boyfriend, how do you feel about that? And what should I do about it?" Her answer will be a barometer of what she would do and possibly give you some guidance which way to proceed.

 

Good luck.

[whichwayisup]

Just come right out and tell her you suspect something is "off" and think she's cheating on your father. Do not mention the emails, facebook or anything like that, just say, it's a vibe a get when you're on the phone, you sneak away and act odd afterwards, and it's made you wonder. Tell her point blank, I hope you're not cheating on dad. Look her in the eye when you talk to her, be confident and don't look away.

 

If she asks you how you know, just say she's been acting odd and the energy about her has shifted, plus the fact she talks about this guy alot, goes away and hides when she's on the phone. Her behaviour overall is suspect.

[Owl]

If you're not willing to confront her with what you KNOW...and how...and you're concerned that your father wouldn't/couldn't handle the situation...then in truth your best bet is to accept that this is how your parent's marriage is going to be.

 

There's no value in confronting a cheater without PROOF...and without a plan on how you're going to put pressure on them to end the affair.

 

She'll lie in your face and do her damndest to convince you that you misunderstood, or that she'll stop....and she won't.

 

I'm sorry...but from my perspective you either act on the information...or you accept the new reality.

 

Not busting you out here...you're in a rocky position. Just pointing out some reality to you, my friend.

[michelangelo]

Tell your Dad that there's something he needs to see.

 

Sit down with him, show him the stuff you've found while "snooping" on FB. Tell him that you overheard a conversation earlier today where you KNOW your mom talked with this guy and lied to you claiming it was her brother.

 

Tell him you felt he needed to know.

 

Tell him you don't want to be caught in the middle, so you'd appreciate it if you weren't drug into it...ask that he not explain to his wife HOW he knows what's going on, only that he does.

 

And then sit back and let him decide what to do from there.

 

Loyalty should be to the ethical partner of the marriage. Doesn't mean you don't love your mom.

[quankanne]

Just come right out and tell her you suspect something is "off" and think she's cheating on your father ... just say, it's a vibe a get when you're on the phone, you sneak away and act odd afterwards, and it's made you wonder.

 

this sounds like a good Plan A – just be strong as you share your concern, and don't let it brush aside. As in, if she makes the comment that you're imagining things, ask point-blank if she doesn't see any difference in her behavior, or ask why she would question your feelings if there wasn't some kind of basis to them. As in, if she has nothing to hide, she's not going to try to hide by deflecting the answer, but by meeting it head on.

[Inflikted]

Edit: Er, this post was in response to Owl's last post. You guys post pretty quickly, heh. Or, well, I guess I type slowly.

 

Yeah, I know. On some level, it just helps to be able to vent here about the issue, because I don't have anyone else to talk to about it. I'm really conflicted as to how to handle it, and I'm doing the best I can to just bide my time for now, until the right opportunity springs along.

 

I don't want to see the family I've known and been happy with all my life fall apart, and I'd feel like I'd be at fault for not acting on this, if that were to happen. But at the same time, if I push the issue, it could go badly and create a major family conflict that could hurt the family anyway. :/ This really sucks...

 

She's even been harping on me all afternoon for being "nosy", because I was so inquisitive about the phone call before, and how odd I found it that she ran off to the basement to talk. It's like a no-win scenario. -_-

[Inflikted]

Just come right out and tell her you suspect something is "off" and think she's cheating on your father. Do not mention the emails, facebook or anything like that, just say, it's a vibe a get when you're on the phone, you sneak away and act odd afterwards, and it's made you wonder. Tell her point blank, I hope you're not cheating on dad. Look her in the eye when you talk to her, be confident and don't look away.

 

If she asks you how you know, just say she's been acting odd and the energy about her has shifted, plus the fact she talks about this guy alot, goes away and hides when she's on the phone. Her behaviour overall is suspect.

 

Yeah, this is basically my plan, if/ when I decide to bring up the issue. Seems like the cleanest way to do it. Just need the right opportunity to pull the trigger.

 

Oh, here's another another story I wanted to share about this subject. In a way, this one's kinda amusing, if you put aside the darkness of this situation... A few weeks ago, my mom suddenly got it into her head that we should add unlimited text messaging to our cell phone plan. I knew right away she only wanted to do it to text that guy, and I immediately started trying to argue that we didn't need text messaging. Well, my dad liked her argument more, and we ended up adding text messaging. I was like >_<.

[lkjh]

You need to bring it up soon because otherwise you might be too late to reverse the damage if you get what I mean.

[whichwayisup]

and we ended up adding text messaging.

 

Depending on the cell phone provider, it is possible to retrieve text msssages. Just so know you. Wouldn't it be interesting if all of a sudden a few pages of her texts were found laying around the house.

[wicar1]

Tell your Dad that there's something he needs to see.

 

Sit down with him, show him the stuff you've found while "snooping" on FB. Tell him that you overheard a conversation earlier today where you KNOW your mom talked with this guy and lied to you claiming it was her brother.

 

Tell him you felt he needed to know.

 

Tell him you don't want to be caught in the middle, so you'd appreciate it if you weren't drug into it...ask that he not explain to his wife HOW he knows what's going on, only that he does.

 

And then sit back and let him decide what to do from there.

 

That's the best thing you can do... One day if your father finds out this and the fact you never warned him.... what might he think of you..??

 

double betrayal !!

[Inflikted]

Well, she's on the phone with him again... She was just trying to be careful what she said around me while talking to him, but now she's back in the basement... -_-

 

Before she went down, I think she was acting (to him) like he "blew his chance" with her. So, I dunno. She's either trying to guilt him into doing something, or she's going to keep carrying this on for whatever reason... *sigh*