Does my wife love me?

[CrazyPete]

hey, I'm new to this so forgive my lack of good grammer and shyness..

 

I've been married for a little over a year now and it doesn't feel like my wife loves me anymore. She gets mad at the littlest things and then blows up making everything out to be my fault. Sometimes she acts like she loves me with the little things and that, but soon as her mom calls or wants somthing then she jumps up and leaves to go kiss her motheres behind. She even made us spend our 1 year anaversiry with her parents, which the only time i got to see her was the car drive to there house, the rest of the time she spent with her head up her mothers &^*.

 

It feels like all she wants is money, she always needs lunch money, which im fine with, but no matter how much I giver her its not enough, and if were behind on bills so i can only giver $5 so we can make her truck payment, she gets mad and tells everyone how I dont giver anything and that I'm so mean(shes 'pocket called' me while shes doing that a couple times). A couple months ago she even made the comment that If I dont have a better job by the time the lease on our house is up shes gonna leave me(all that should matter is that we have eachother)! I already pay the rent, electric, cable, grociries, and her truck payment, her paycheck she blows on stuff she just crams in the corner, dosnt even use.

 

I love her more than anything, I would die for her. I even had to have a "talk" with her ex to get him to quite stalking her, a talk that could have gone very badly(he beat her when they were together)... But it just dosn't feel like she loves me back. Even when we make love, she is the only woman I have ever had sex with, for me it is the ultimate way of saying I love you, but she never wants to, and when she does it feels like its just 'getting off' for her.

 

Please help me..

Pete

[jimrich]

Your story is so overwhelmingly bad except this part:

I love her more than anything, I would die for her.

..... I guess you will have to Die for her - if she doesn't kill you first!

As for me, I'd get professional help or LEAVE...... life's too short to live in such misery!

One other option: google: codependency and learn all about your situation.

good luck

Jim

[hoping2heal]

Your story is so overwhelmingly bad except this part:

I love her more than anything, I would die for her.

..... I guess you will have to Die for her - if she doesn't kill you first!

As for me, I'd get professional help or LEAVE...... life's too short to live in such misery!

One other option: google: codependency and learn all about your situation.

good luck

Jim

 

People love in different ways, depending on who they are and what they are capable of. For example, people who have loved me in the past, never loved me in the way Mr.hoping2heal does. She might love you in the only way she knows how but that doesn't mean it's "good love" if that makes sense. I would talk to her about her behavior and see if she's willing to work on it, otherwise I agree with jm. While marriage shouldn't be taken lightly and I believe you should give working through problems a shot first (barring abuse) no one should spend their life miserable and being treated like crap by their husband or wife.

 

Has she always been this way to you? Even before you married her?

[whichwayisup]

Your wife sounds..Immature and needs to grow up, distance herself a bit from her mother and focus on being a wife to you and creating a family atmosphere instead of running to mommy and being a b&tch! How old is your wife? Marriage isn't easy, but it should be fun and loving, especially ONE year into the marriage..

 

She may not be ready for the responsibility of being a wife, being in a marriage, that's what it seems like to me.

[CrazyPete]

before we were wed, she was very caring. She did all kinds of small things for me, cooked me suprise dinners, never raised her voice, just did everything for me and really showed me she cared. Its like after we got engaged, especialy after we got married she changed. I know her mother is deffinatly part of her problem. Her mom treats her dad like sh&^* and shes turning into her mom. I've tried confronting her, and she usually gets real appologetic and talks about moving and everything. Then literaly the next day she will find somthing to bi&^* me out about, and say how shes never leaving her family, how there more important than me, then flips back to the loving wife that evening.

 

I'm 24 and she's 23.

[whichwayisup]

before we were wed, she was very caring. She did all kinds of small things for me, cooked me suprise dinners, never raised her voice, just did everything for me and really showed me she cared. Its like after we got engaged, especialy after we got married she changed.

 

It's time to sit down and have a real honest talk with her. Tell her exactly what you think and feel, give the example above and now how different she is.

 

YOU are her family now. yes, her mom is her mom forever, but you are first priority now. Something she needs to understand.

[hoping2heal]

It's time to sit down and have a real honest talk with her. Tell her exactly what you think and feel, give the example above and now how different she is.

 

YOU are her family now. yes, her mom is her mom forever, but you are first priority now. Something she needs to understand.

 

How long did you date before you two got married?

 

I second everything whichwayisup had to say, time to talk about the changes and let her know you come first, not her mom. Does her mom like to put on a good show for others?

[CrazyPete]

It's time to sit down and have a real honest talk with her. Tell her exactly what you think and feel, give the example above and now how different she is.

 

YOU are her family now. yes, her mom is her mom forever, but you are first priority now. Something she needs to understand.

 

 

I agree, and have tried. Usually she agrees and gets really caring for a day or 2, but then her mother says jump...and yes her mother does put on a huge front. Thats why my family likes all of her family except her mother, they met her one time and said "that woman's hiding somthing big, we dont want her near us." Apperantly her mom dosn't realize that not every1 falls for her show.

 

One thing her mother is hiding is that for the last 8 months that my wife was with her ex, he beat her. The whole time they were living with her mother, and her mother just told my now wife to stop being a bit&^. And her mother loved that guy, cuz he kissed her as# and kept my now wife right there, being there own little slave girl. The woman hates me cuz I got her out of that house.

 

We dated for about 1 year before we were married, kinda quick i definatly realize now, but at the time i never felt about any1 that way before, which is why she is the only woman I have ever had sex with.

 

She actually just called me not 5 min ago needing money to go to st louis with her MOTHER tomorrow, and got mad when I told her that I don't have the money. First of all, her and I were gonna go to st louis to go christmas shopping on sunday, but now shes going with her mom and on sunday volenteered us to spend all day with the woman(she does this all the time, I've talked to her but she dosnt realize how much it hurts me). Second, I don't have the money. Yesterday she was needing money because she went behind my back and agreed to help her mother with a present(from her mother and us to her grandmother). Originaly it was gonna be 100 on our part, which I agreed to. Her mom took the liberty of getting a more expensive item and what do you know, my wife expects me to go ahead and pay the 200....now we dont have money for rent thats due next week....To add insult to injury, my wife just got paid yesterday, but apperantly she broke already...

 

Its like she tells me what I want to hear one second, then just goes to please her mother.

 

I'm very big on keeping your word, and have kept every promise i have ever made her. She has broken every one except for 2, that she would marry me and that she wouldnt cheat on me. And when I ask her why she lies to me or breaks her promises, she gets in my face and threatens to "knock me on my as*," so I remind her that before we ever started dating when we were talking about tempers, I told her that I would never hit her, and if she ever hit me I would leave her.

[hoping2heal]

I agree, and have tried. Usually she agrees and gets really caring for a day or 2, but then her mother says jump...and yes her mother does put on a huge front. Thats why my family likes all of her family except her mother, they met her one time and said "that woman's hiding somthing big, we dont want her near us." Apperantly her mom dosn't realize that not every1 falls for her show.

 

That's what I thought. You mentioned how she changed pretty much as soon as you were engaged which only worsened with the actual marriage. It's likely she has learned how to "put on a good show" from mommy dearest, until she's got what she wanted. As cliche as it may be, there are men and women who do that. She tries to act caring for a day or two but it never sticks - that should be your first clue. That she cannot keep the act up for very long, and now that you're married I am sure she believes she doesn't really have too. You mentioned her mom treats the husband like crap.

 

The relationship with her mother is ridiculous. It's like you are just a patsay jack to her, to get what she wants. When she wants money or this or that - and her mother seems to be her "best and closest friend". Yes, I am sure she does tell you what you want to hear - she sounds like a master manipulator and her mother sounds to be a wonderful teacher of that. I think it's strange that when you approach her about her behavior she threatens to knock you on your ass. I mean that atitude isn't going to solve much. I think it is time you make it very apparent what you expect. Let her know everything you have told us.

 

That you feel like she tells you what you want to hear, not sincere things. That you question wether she loves you at all. That she acts caring for a day or two - and then it is back to treating you like an insignifigant being.

[CrazyPete]

I do think your right, the longer i'm with her the more 'shows' I notice from her. I saw that in her mother right away, I just didnt expect it from my wife at first.

 

Now her mother really isn't that smart. I can 'work' people, but I dont like to I find it dishonest. My wife just keeps telling me that I need to work her mother like she does(I think her mother works her). my closest family member is about 1000 miles away. Thanksgiving we were going to see them so that I could meet my 1 year old nephew for the first time, and see my brother before he gets shipped to Iraq(officer in the army), as well as the rest of my family I havn't seen in over a year. My wife kept freaking out saying shes jut gonna leave me if I go, and that shes not going, and yada yada yada. I got sick of it and worked her mom into making her go...lol...and my wife dosn't even know the better. But what do you know, she had alot of fun.

 

Last night for some reason she was back to the loving wife, and was all concerned if she was a good wife or not, i told her she needs to work on her temper and think about me more and stop worrying about her mother(same thing ive told her many times). She got to where she almost cried and spent the rest of the evening cuddling and holding me, even wanted to make love(second time in 2 months). But then this morning when she got up to go to her mom's she had a real nasty voice and said "well I guess if i need money ill have to borrow it from mom"....she just got paid thursday and did not help with any of the bills or grocieries. I actually just lucked out because my boss let me work a 10 hour shift thursday, 12 hours yesterday, and 11 hours today, the overtime is gonna save me on bills.

 

Sorry, I know im just venting alot, but every1 needs to. I talk to my freinds at work, but there not much help. One cheats on his wife constantly, the other was married, but his wife acted exacty like mine does, but evolved into abbusing him before he finaly left her, so I know his opinion is biased(or im scared that might happen with me).

[Darth Vader]

I do think your right, the longer i'm with her the more 'shows' I notice from her. I saw that in her mother right away, I just didnt expect it from my wife at first.

 

Now her mother really isn't that smart. I can 'work' people, but I dont like to I find it dishonest. My wife just keeps telling me that I need to work her mother like she does(I think her mother works her). my closest family member is about 1000 miles away. Thanksgiving we were going to see them so that I could meet my 1 year old nephew for the first time, and see my brother before he gets shipped to Iraq(officer in the army), as well as the rest of my family I havn't seen in over a year. My wife kept freaking out saying shes jut gonna leave me if I go, and that shes not going, and yada yada yada. I got sick of it and worked her mom into making her go...lol...and my wife dosn't even know the better. But what do you know, she had alot of fun.

 

Last night for some reason she was back to the loving wife, and was all concerned if she was a good wife or not, i told her she needs to work on her temper and think about me more and stop worrying about her mother(same thing ive told her many times). She got to where she almost cried and spent the rest of the evening cuddling and holding me, even wanted to make love(second time in 2 months). But then this morning when she got up to go to her mom's she had a real nasty voice and said "well I guess if i need money ill have to borrow it from mom"....she just got paid thursday and did not help with any of the bills or grocieries. I actually just lucked out because my boss let me work a 10 hour shift thursday, 12 hours yesterday, and 11 hours today, the overtime is gonna save me on bills.

 

Sorry, I know im just venting alot, but every1 needs to. I talk to my freinds at work, but there not much help. One cheats on his wife constantly, the other was married, but his wife acted exacty like mine does, but evolved into abbusing him before he finaly left her, so I know his opinion is biased(or im scared that might happen with me).

 

 

I'm not a Doctor but DANG! It sounds like your wife is Bipolar and has Narcisstic personality disorder! I can only suggest that she may have both, has she ever been checked out by a Doctor before? The only reason I say this is because there have been people on these forums that have had spouses that do have these mental problems. Many of them do cheat on their spouses in one form or another. It may be genetic as well, because her mother has the same characteristics that your wife has. I hate to say it, but, most likely your wife has cheated on you too.

[hoping2heal]

I'm not a Doctor but DANG! It sounds like your wife is Bipolar and has Narcisstic personality disorder! I can only suggest that she may have both, has she ever been checked out by a Doctor before? The only reason I say this is because there have been people on these forums that have had spouses that do have these mental problems. Many of them do cheat on their spouses in one form or another. It may be genetic as well, because her mother has the same characteristics that your wife has. I hate to say it, but, most likely your wife has cheated on you too.

 

In order to be diagnosed with a mental health disorder you need to have certain percentages in varying spectrums, not just symptoms. Mental disorders are constantly "predicted" on this board. Someone is a rude and thoughtless assh*le? Oh, he must have NPD. Someone is a nice and loving wife one minute and a rude b*tch the next? Oh, she sounds bi-polar!

 

Firstly, she does not at ALL sound bi-polar. Those suffering from bi-polar disorder experience stages of manic depression and euphoria, interchangeably and neither is "one day this and the next day that". Typically the mania and the euphoria are cyclical and span a couple of weeks minimum.

 

Also, I think it is a bit of a stretch to assume she has already cheated simply because you think she has NPD or bi-polar. I miss the 90's. I like the good old days when some people were just manipulative and selfish human beings because that's who they were, and not categorized by the DSMIV.

 

I almost wondered, did she ask you for money after you two were sexual? I could be wrong and would need more info from you of course, but it almost sounded as though she cozied up to you, had sex, expecting this would be a means to an end for her e.g money. I kind of laughed at "she almost cried". Yeah, guess she needs to work on those acting classes a little bit.

 

That's crappy about how she reacted with the family, and I wondered if she didn't panic a little and worry they would see through her

 

By the way, Why did she not pay any bills or contribute to groceries? What is going on there??

[Iconoclast]

my closest family member is about 1000 miles away.

 

Which is where you should be at all times, 1000 miles away from your wife and her mother.

 

She wants you. Let her come to you.

 

But....this sounds like a relationship where you'll be tugging on the leash through life. You want that? There should be no leash at all.

 

Good luck.

[Darth Vader]

In order to be diagnosed with a mental health disorder you need to have certain percentages in varying spectrums, not just symptoms. Mental disorders are constantly "predicted" on this board. Someone is a rude and thoughtless assh*le? Oh, he must have NPD. Someone is a nice and loving wife one minute and a rude b*tch the next? Oh, she sounds bi-polar!

 

Firstly, she does not at ALL sound bi-polar. Those suffering from bi-polar disorder experience stages of manic depression and euphoria, interchangeably and neither is "one day this and the next day that". Typically the mania and the euphoria are cyclical and span a couple of weeks minimum.

 

Also, I think it is a bit of a stretch to assume she has already cheated simply because you think she has NPD or bi-polar. I miss the 90's. I like the good old days when some people were just manipulative and selfish human beings because that's who they were, and not categorized by the DSMIV.

 

I almost wondered, did she ask you for money after you two were sexual? I could be wrong and would need more info from you of course, but it almost sounded as though she cozied up to you, had sex, expecting this would be a means to an end for her e.g money. I kind of laughed at "she almost cried". Yeah, guess she needs to work on those acting classes a little bit.

 

That's crappy about how she reacted with the family, and I wondered if she didn't panic a little and worry they would see through her

 

By the way, Why did she not pay any bills or contribute to groceries? What is going on there??

 

It's the extreme mood shifts that the poster's mentioning. Sure, it could be hormones, chemical imbalance, or something more serious. There's many possibilities. I wasn't stating anything definative, only that it sounds as though she has it. Of course it's a stretch saying she's cheated, but, it's possible.

[CrazyPete]

hoping2heal, no she didn't ask for money after we made love, she just cuddled with me and told me how much she loved me. She had asked me for money earlier that day which I told her no, because we don't have enough to pay the bills much less go shopping for usless stuff we don't need.

 

For sum reason the second her paycheck touches her hand she gets this mentality where "this is my money!" and thinks she should use it for whatever the hell she wants. I do contribute part of that a habit developed from living with her mother. When she did, her mother and her ex would just take her paycheck and they would go blow it. So if she wanted somthing, she had to just get it. I keep reminding her that im not them, but she seems to forget...

 

Darth Vader, Her mother is bipolar, and she does have some attributes that resemble it, I have wondered myself. But it's no excuse for her behavior. I do not think she has cheated on me. Every one of my ex's cheated on me(they claimed because I wouldn't put out), so I've learned alot of the signs, but some people are better at hiding it than others so I should proly rephrase and say "I dont think she has". But I know that she didn't even cheat on her ex when he beat her, and I know I treat her much better than that! I was raised you NEVER hit a woman, and there is no place for abuse in a relationship.

[hoping2heal]

hoping2heal, no she didn't ask for money after we made love, she just cuddled with me and told me how much she loved me. She had asked me for money earlier that day which I told her no, because we don't have enough to pay the bills much less go shopping for usless stuff we don't need.

 

For sum reason the second her paycheck touches her hand she gets this mentality where "this is my money!" and thinks she should use it for whatever the hell she wants. I do contribute part of that a habit developed from living with her mother. When she did, her mother and her ex would just take her paycheck and they would go blow it. So if she wanted somthing, she had to just get it. I keep reminding her that im not them, but she seems to forget...

 

Darth Vader, Her mother is bipolar, and she does have some attributes that resemble it, I have wondered myself. But it's no excuse for her behavior. I do not think she has cheated on me. Every one of my ex's cheated on me(they claimed because I wouldn't put out), so I've learned alot of the signs, but some people are better at hiding it than others so I should proly rephrase and say "I dont think she has". But I know that she didn't even cheat on her ex when he beat her, and I know I treat her much better than that! I was raised you NEVER hit a woman, and there is no place for abuse in a relationship.

 

Well, first of all it's time to put your foot down about finances. So when her paycheck comes it's "her money" yet she has no qualms about demanding and expecting money from you? Ah, yeah.

 

I would start paying your half for things around there, since that is how she wants to do it. Also, don't give her any extras. She has a paycheck and that is "her money" so let her go out and play ball. By all means, do not go enabling her.

 

So strange, she started being all lovey wonky and the next day gets up and bitches at you about money. Well, maybe she just wanted you to feel guilty. I can and have heard of that approach as a manipulation tactic before.

 

What a mess. You thought you were getting Maureen, and realising you married Lila (the heartbreak kid)

[CrazyPete]

sry its been a few days, i've been busy decorating for crhismas and stuff(i try to spend my time off work with the wife).

 

sunday her parents and everyone came over to help decorate, and we all had a really goood time, other than her brother only wanting to play video games...

 

for sum reason the past few days she has gotten really loving to me. and when she asked for money and I told her I didn't have any, its all going to bills, she went in and is setting up her paychecks to direct deposit in my account so that she cant blow them, and so i can manage our finances. she even wanted to make love last night (3rd time this month, 3 times more than any other month since we've been married). I dont know what happend, but

I'm enjoying her mood change while it lasts..