harmfulsweetz Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 OP, have you ever had the experience where you just liked f*cking somebody and it didn't really matter who they were and what happened to them in life? I don't mean that in a cold, calculating, ruthless way but rather an indifferent way. You liked the pleasure of slamming genitals together and the psyche/emotions/dreams/desires of the person attached really were of no ongoing concern to you. You didn't 'feel' them but you liked f*cking them? If you have, and you had a history of it, you would learn things to say and do to make it seem like there was more going on then is reality as a means to an end but add in enough disclaimers to make your exit seem reasonable and healthy. Notice my use of the word 'seem'. This 'seem' part, irrespective of the other parts, was the great life lesson I learned from MW's, the masters of manipulation. I say that with respect. They are marvelous tuggers of the emotion, flirters with the penis, and weavers of the most fabulously believable stories a man can ever hear. All for one purpose- *getting what they want*, whether that be validation, money, sex or as a tool to extract something from their spouse. The clear similarity has been the distance from emotion. They *seem* emotional, but they're really not. It's an illusion. Of course, this is just one subset of MW's, like your man is perhaps a member of one subset of males. There are plenty of men who are emotionally available and willing to committ, in general. They wouldn't say things to you like your man has. Honesty and openness can be kinda boring. Remember that Exactly this. +1000. I do think this guy just seems to be stringing you along, while his needs get met, his needs clearly don't fit with your needs so I wouldn't settle. I've done the whole settle for less, while waiting for more thing, and it doesn't work. More will never come so long as this situation benefits him, and suits him just fine. Anything less than what you want is just disrespecting yourself. The whole thing of the physical comes before the emotions is a load of tosh in my opinion, most people do the emotions then the physical. Especially if they are looking for a serious relationship. It just sounds like he's holding you off, trying to find ways to get what he wants, and keep you poised for something that won't ever happen. I know how much that sucks. But the good thing is, you can recognize this, and choose which path you want to go down. I'd personally tell him where to stick his physical side comes first and find someone a whole lot better for you.
Lots0fLove Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 I think he is stringing you along he likes you but he is not infatuated with you so if any other casual relasionships dont work out atleast he has you to fall back on and you need to put an end to this even if it hurts cause in the long run u will be the one burned and broken. we as woman do this to when we know what we want but don't know if we want it with the specific person we are with. its a win loose situation and this is very up in the air, I was in a situation similiar to this for 3yrs and it took me longer to get over it cuz he played so many mind games I didnt know what to think or feel and than I didn't feel good enough always wonderd what did I do wrong I was always good to him. you have to make a desicion we can all tell u what is right and wrong but u have to set a state of mind for uself on this situation cause I think u know what is right.
carhill Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 OP, here's a question to ask yourself, and it applies to you too (the reverse). How much proactive care, concern and compassion does this man show for you, especially *after* your cuddling episodes, since you have yet to have sex? What happens? How about you? I'm not talking about words, but rather actions. My experiences with the Hoovers and/or the 'indifferent' ones is that they are fabulously attentive *before* they get what they want, then fall off the face of the earth after. Of course, they're still around, but I can *feel* the difference in the dynamic. They keep the pot on low simmer, meaning provide just enough attention (they're experts at gauging this) to keep the mark engaged. This attention is generally *words* with few substantive actions to support the words. In my past, I erred by unhealthily building emotional intimacy prior to physical intimacy, essentially giving those women *what they wanted*. They felt no need, with their psychologies, for anything more. Like you, I felt an imbalance. Unlike you, I didn't recognize it and deal with it in a healthy way. Now, perhaps like you, unless physical *and* emotional intimacy progress concurrently, I discontinue dating the person. The past can teach us healthy lessons. The good news for you is that you learned this at quite a young age, so hopefully have many positive experiences in front of you. Think of this dynamic as a 'relationship style'. Even with similarities, your 'style' will be uniquely yours. The man you have been dating has, and has communicated, a different style. If the two styles are irreconcilable, they are. Next. It's kind of like irreconcilable differences in a marriage, except without the painful and expensive divorce. Hopefully you can avoid that one. Good luck
Author Lucky555 Posted December 3, 2010 Author Posted December 3, 2010 OP, here's a question to ask yourself, and it applies to you too (the reverse). How much proactive care, concern and compassion does this man show for you, especially *after* your cuddling episodes, since you have yet to have sex? What happens? How about you? I'm not talking about words, but rather actions. My experiences with the Hoovers and/or the 'indifferent' ones is that they are fabulously attentive *before* they get what they want, then fall off the face of the earth after. Of course, they're still around, but I can *feel* the difference in the dynamic. They keep the pot on low simmer, meaning provide just enough attention (they're experts at gauging this) to keep the mark engaged. This attention is generally *words* with few substantive actions to support the words. In my past, I erred by unhealthily building emotional intimacy prior to physical intimacy, essentially giving those women *what they wanted*. They felt no need, with their psychologies, for anything more. Like you, I felt an imbalance. Unlike you, I didn't recognize it and deal with it in a healthy way. Now, perhaps like you, unless physical *and* emotional intimacy progress concurrently, I discontinue dating the person. The past can teach us healthy lessons. The good news for you is that you learned this at quite a young age, so hopefully have many positive experiences in front of you. Think of this dynamic as a 'relationship style'. Even with similarities, your 'style' will be uniquely yours. The man you have been dating has, and has communicated, a different style. If the two styles are irreconcilable, they are. Next. It's kind of like irreconcilable differences in a marriage, except without the painful and expensive divorce. Hopefully you can avoid that one. Good luck Highly intelligent i must say! I am very observant and i do a lot of assessing. I have a lot of knowledge of the behaviors of people and the dynamics of healthy relationships. I probably would have not have had as much insight if I didn't study this at a young age. I am the type of person who had to grow up fast and therefore it has made me a stronger person to understand why people do things ect. For instance i recognize this guy is doing "something" that is not in alignment with myself. I know that a healthy relationship will just flow and the two people want the same things. I am not in love with the guy and it wont break my heart because I want to make sure that he is looking for the same things. I only found this out the other night when i initially posted. I knew we were getting into a more serious relationship meaning i would be investing more of myself..but i was not going to do this unless he was on the same level as me. I agree with the behaviors you describe. I am basically trained to analyze people in general and i was starting to see what he was doing early on. For instance in I was with him just a few days ago and then i talk to im a couple days later and he acts like "there is nothing"..there is not Hi i miss you, when can we see each other again...he basically tried to act like we were "good friends" it was weird. This is when i boldy confronted him and he spilled his guts. I live to have a healthy life and i don't want to waste my time with a guy who doesn't want the same. Basically im at a point where I don't want a friends with benefits but a healthy relationship. Otherwise this is how i got my information and basically i bet he was taken by surprise. To the other poster we have known eachother for three years he knows me quite well. We just became exclusive like a few days ago. however the dynamics are different in this relationship because we know eachother quite well and he has had to work at getting my attention. This guy has been pursuing me but like carhil said he stops pursuing when he gets what he wants. I will be ending this after i find out if he contacts me over the weekend. This guy should be saying when are we going to see eachother and i miss you already if he wanted to be invested. I'm literally perfectly fine only because i know what i want. I already was ready to say good bye the other night if he didn't want the same thing...but like other posters have said "string along". He will not say he doesn't want the same and he won't say he wants the same. So he is basically toying with me and i keep my emotions in check until the guy actually displays that he is on the same level as me. Thanks everyone for the posts. It really does help me to gain more insight and reaffirm what i am thinking and seeing. Sometimes when Im in the situation its hard to see "rose colored glasses". The fact that makes me laugh is that he told me he just jumped into relationships yet hes not jumping now hahaha. He bluffed it to get me strung along. I have give this man enough of my time already...
Jannah Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 Okay, well that makes more sense, now that you've explained things in greater detail.
Author Lucky555 Posted December 3, 2010 Author Posted December 3, 2010 Okay, well that makes more sense, now that you've explained things in greater detail. ya I should have gave a bit more detail on the length of time. In no way do I want to make someone be in a relationship thats why i didn't want to invest myself if he doesn't see a relationship with me. It wouldn't be good for me mainly because obviously he had his own agenda even though i thought we were exclusive. He throws out the word "relationship" but doesn't actually seem to be too keen on being in one. I do believe he is only seeing me but how do i know he isn't looking for someone else when he doesn't seem to think he is in a relationship. To me this doesn't make sense and seems silly to play with a persons emotions but some men will do it to get what they want. I think he thought he had me "right where he wanted" but obviously i know better than to settle for less than i essentially want.
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