Lucky555 Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 So here I am again. I posted about the guys stats on fb indeed he considered himself single because I asked him what he wanted and if he wanted the same as me.. He basically told me he wanted to see where things go hahaha what? He wants me to stay with him for seeing where things go when we are sleeping together? I asked him if he is ready to be available with me and he thinks physical first then emotional...then he says he wants to see how physically compatible we are first ! Uh what I have known plenty of men who want to be with me in a relationship prior to engaging in a sexual relationship. So do I stay or go? Now is this guy bananas? Sounds like he never intended to have a relationship just the physcisl aspects! I am concerned and he said we will work on i... What is there to work on and then he said what do you want me to do. Really I shouldn't have to tell a guy how to be emotionally invovled I eater be single! I told him what I needed and basically I'm walking if I don't get what I need. I can't believe him I just don't know now. I like him but is it enough? Because I'm not sleeping with s guy who doesn't want a relationship with me or that doesn't consider me his girlfriend what the heck?! He said we will work on it but I don't know it sounds strange right now
LondonS Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 You know the answer to this already...yet you are posting again and again to hear what you probably want to hear? You know very well staying in this "deal" will only work to his benefit...now choice is yours !!
Author Lucky555 Posted December 2, 2010 Author Posted December 2, 2010 Really I don't know the answer because I do agree that you can't just become emotionally invested so simply and that it would be something to see about but last night it left me uneasy that he didn't committ to anything. I'm going to back off and if he asks me over again I will say it's clear that he doesn't want a relationship with me so we might as well not even be together. If this is the case which I have no clue. I don't want to pressure someone into a relationship that doesn't want to. I know I don't like if I'm pressured either so I'm thinking give it a couple of days. Not sure yet
xpaperxcutx Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 Really I don't know the answer because I do agree that you can't just become emotionally invested so simply and that it would be something to see about but last night it left me uneasy that he didn't committ to anything. I'm going to back off and if he asks me over again I will say it's clear that he doesn't want a relationship with me so we might as well not even be together. If this is the case which I have no clue. I don't want to pressure someone into a relationship that doesn't want to. I know I don't like if I'm pressured either so I'm thinking give it a couple of days. Not sure yet Yeah, but if a guy wants to be in a relationship with you, do you think he would hesitate or make excuses? When I met my ex, he asked me to be his girlfriend two weeks after meeting. There are men who don't shy away from relationships. The ones who do and who make up excuses like this are full of cr4p.
Author Lucky555 Posted December 2, 2010 Author Posted December 2, 2010 Yeah, but if a guy wants to be in a relationship with you, do you think he would hesitate or make excuses? When I met my ex, he asked me to be his girlfriend two weeks after meeting. There are men who don't shy away from relationships. The ones who do and who make up excuses like this are full of cr4p. And what do you think about him saying about the physical aspects of compatibility. I know you are right because I have had relationships before where they didn't need to sleep with me to be able to decide that they want to be in a relationship with me. It seems like he didn't want to go separate ways but him saying that he needed to see if we get closer kind of scared me because Im already sleeping with him and i already have emotions and the fact that he says he needs to get closer is very odd. I have no problem leaving and so far i have two responses saying he is full of crap! Im very prepared to break it off because i have not had those needs met emotional aspect/relationship. Think this will be the week to decide for myself. I have only told him this last night. So i want to give the guy a chance to make a choice and if its not to my liking then so be it. I think its appalling he can kiss me and such and not be emotionally involved.
xpaperxcutx Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 And what do you think about him saying about the physical aspects of compatibility. I know you are right because I have had relationships before where they didn't need to sleep with me to be able to decide that they want to be in a relationship with me. It seems like he didn't want to go separate ways but him saying that he needed to see if we get closer kind of scared me because Im already sleeping with him and i already have emotions and the fact that he says he needs to get closer is very odd. I have no problem leaving and so far i have two responses saying he is full of crap! Im very prepared to break it off because i have not had those needs met emotional aspect/relationship. Think this will be the week to decide for myself. I have only told him this last night. So i want to give the guy a chance to make a choice and if its not to my liking then so be it. I think its appalling he can kiss me and such and not be emotionally involved. Think about it, who would benefit the most with this kind of arrangement? Certainly not you. Have you never given the possibility that he's got you where he wants you? There are some men out there who can do sex without emotions and it hardly surprises me that he's one of them.
harmfulsweetz Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 Think about it, who would benefit the most with this kind of arrangement? Certainly not you. Have you never given the possibility that he's got you where he wants you? There are some men out there who can do sex without emotions and it hardly surprises me that he's one of them. This. It sounds like he has exactly the kind of arrangement he wants, so he doesn't have to change it. I think he's pulling the 'develop emotions later' probably to keep you hanging around. This situation suits him just fine, so he's no reason to change it on his side.
Author Lucky555 Posted December 2, 2010 Author Posted December 2, 2010 This. It sounds like he has exactly the kind of arrangement he wants, so he doesn't have to change it. I think he's pulling the 'develop emotions later' probably to keep you hanging around. This situation suits him just fine, so he's no reason to change it on his side. I totally agree he was going to attempt an arrangement until i squashed it! I put my foot down and said what i wanted. oh well if he doesn't want to be with me im not an arrangement lol
Jannah Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 Didn't you mention in another thread that the two of you agreed to be exclusive?
carhill Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 Exclusivity and compatibility are two separate dynamics. For a commitment-phobic and/or emotionally unavailable person, a 'committed' and 'exclusive' sexual/companionship relationship is perfect. They don't have to 'invest' themselves, but have a convenient partner at their side. Now, if both parties are embrace this perspective and they find unity in the dynamic, then it is healthy for them. I'm not hearing that from the OP. I call these circumstances 'relationships of convenience'. They can also be 'marriages of convenience'. BTDT. OP, acceptance is key. If this doesn't match up with what you find to be healthy for you, let it go. No prejudice
Author Lucky555 Posted December 2, 2010 Author Posted December 2, 2010 Exclusivity and compatibility are two separate dynamics. For a commitment-phobic and/or emotionally unavailable person, a 'committed' and 'exclusive' sexual/companionship relationship is perfect. They don't have to 'invest' themselves, but have a convenient partner at their side. Now, if both parties are embrace this perspective and they find unity in the dynamic, then it is healthy for them. I'm not hearing that from the OP. I call these circumstances 'relationships of convenience'. They can also be 'marriages of convenience'. BTDT. OP, acceptance is key. If this doesn't match up with what you find to be healthy for you, let it go. No prejudice 100 percent correct! This is what i told him if he didn't want to "invest" himself then i dont want to be with him. So he said we need to work on things. its like he doesn't want to open up emotionally. However, i will see this week what he does to show me what he decides to do. if its the same old thing with him hes out im happier being single and finding someone whom i am compatible with
Jannah Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 100 percent correct! This is what i told him if he didn't want to "invest" himself then i dont want to be with him. So he said we need to work on things. its like he doesn't want to open up emotionally. However, i will see this week what he does to show me what he decides to do. if its the same old thing with him hes out im happier being single and finding someone whom i am compatible with Yes, but you can't make someone emotionally invested by demanding they be emotionally invested. What about sharing a connection - date exclusively, spend time together, share things with each other and let it unfold?
Author Lucky555 Posted December 2, 2010 Author Posted December 2, 2010 Yes, but you can't make someone emotionally invested by demanding they be emotionally invested. What about sharing a connection - date exclusively, spend time together, share things with each other and let it unfold? well i have known him for awhile and i know right now its either he improves the communication and acts like a boyfriend or hes out. i have given the dude enough time
carhill Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 OP, here's some sample open-ended questions. 'How do you feel, in general, about committed intimate relationships? Have you ever been married? (if yes) How did that go? (if no) Have you ever met someone you wanted to marry? What happened?' IMO, the key is compatibility. My prior mistake was choosing women who wanted relationships and marriages of convenience rather than intimate, bonded relationships where they fully invested themselves. They aren't wrong and I'm not right; we're incompatible. OP, share with us how things went with a man who was emotionally available and willing to develop the emotional intimacy concurrently with the physical intimacy. What about him was attractive and/or unattractive? A clear question to ask yourself is - are you *attracted* to men who are unavailable, even after they clearly tell you and show you their emotional and commitment style is markedly different than your own? Then, regardless of answer, why? If the sex with this guy is good, and likely it is or you wouldn't be here agonizing over this, how much of that 'good' is predicated upon his emotional distance and your *desire* for that intimacy? Reflect upon that as appropriate. As is generally customary, most of your answers will be revealed by looking into the mirror. Good luck
Jannah Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 well i have known him for awhile and i know right now its either he improves the communication and acts like a boyfriend or hes out. i have given the dude enough time You've known him for some time....so what. Are the two of you dating exclusively and if so, for how long?
xpaperxcutx Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 well i have known him for awhile and i know right now its either he improves the communication and acts like a boyfriend or hes out. i have given the dude enough time And that is why I think he is full of cr4p. There should be no ambiguity in a relationship, you're either bf/gf or you're not. The whole " hey we're exclusive, but we're not together together" just sets off lots and lots of red flags. Like Carhill said, he's obviously with because you're putting out, and he's getting everything he needs without being emotionally attached. If that's what he wants he can look for another gal. You're certainly not putting up with it.
xpaperxcutx Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 Yes, but you can't make someone emotionally invested by demanding they be emotionally invested. What about sharing a connection - date exclusively, spend time together, share things with each other and let it unfold? I don't think Lucky was trying to make him emotionally invested, it's just that in her vocabulary exclusivity usually means " in a relationship". The way he defines their " connection" right just isn't want she wants.
Jannah Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 I don't think Lucky was trying to make him emotionally invested, it's just that in her vocabulary exclusivity usually means " in a relationship". The way he defines their " connection" right just isn't want she wants. Well perhaps I am "reading" it the wrong way, because when I read it, "it comes across as "I demand you be emotionally invested in this relationship". I've read several threads started by the OP, and my interpretation has remained the same, when reading those threads... So, I am just trying to understand the dynamic, a little bit better.
mortensorchid Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 This is not a good situation. If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you and you would not be stressing about it. Hopefully you will have moved on from him by the time you read this, but if not, don't feel badly. How many others has this guy probably jacked off before you? Quite a few I would guess.
ConstantCraving Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 So here I am again. I posted about the guys stats on fb indeed he considered himself single because I asked him what he wanted and if he wanted the same as me.. He basically told me he wanted to see where things go hahaha what? He wants me to stay with him for seeing where things go when we are sleeping together? I asked him if he is ready to be available with me and he thinks physical first then emotional...then he says he wants to see how physically compatible we are first ! Uh what I have known plenty of men who want to be with me in a relationship prior to engaging in a sexual relationship. So do I stay or go? Now is this guy bananas? Sounds like he never intended to have a relationship just the physcisl aspects! I am concerned and he said we will work on i... What is there to work on and then he said what do you want me to do. Really I shouldn't have to tell a guy how to be emotionally invovled I eater be single! I told him what I needed and basically I'm walking if I don't get what I need. I can't believe him I just don't know now. I like him but is it enough? Because I'm not sleeping with s guy who doesn't want a relationship with me or that doesn't consider me his girlfriend what the heck?! He said we will work on it but I don't know it sounds strange right now I've had this kind of treatment from a woman. She asked "do we really need labels?" Like an idiot I said "no". I should have ended it there and then. Oh well. Live and learn.
carhill Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 OP, have you ever had the experience where you just liked f*cking somebody and it didn't really matter who they were and what happened to them in life? I don't mean that in a cold, calculating, ruthless way but rather an indifferent way. You liked the pleasure of slamming genitals together and the psyche/emotions/dreams/desires of the person attached really were of no ongoing concern to you. You didn't 'feel' them but you liked f*cking them? If you have, and you had a history of it, you would learn things to say and do to make it seem like there was more going on then is reality as a means to an end but add in enough disclaimers to make your exit seem reasonable and healthy. Notice my use of the word 'seem'. This 'seem' part, irrespective of the other parts, was the great life lesson I learned from MW's, the masters of manipulation. I say that with respect. They are marvelous tuggers of the emotion, flirters with the penis, and weavers of the most fabulously believable stories a man can ever hear. All for one purpose- *getting what they want*, whether that be validation, money, sex or as a tool to extract something from their spouse. The clear similarity has been the distance from emotion. They *seem* emotional, but they're really not. It's an illusion. Of course, this is just one subset of MW's, like your man is perhaps a member of one subset of males. There are plenty of men who are emotionally available and willing to committ, in general. They wouldn't say things to you like your man has. Honesty and openness can be kinda boring. Remember that
Author Lucky555 Posted December 3, 2010 Author Posted December 3, 2010 All of your perspectives are enlightening. I have not done the deed with this guy. I just slept over. I know I deserve more of a commitment which is why I told him what I wanted open and honestly. I did feel like he was trying to make me into an arrangement for him. Basically I called him out but I'm not expecting him to come out and say he wants a relationship. I will let his actions do the bidding her but we have been pretty close. Carhil what u say seems true. He acts like he is all about me when I'm with him but it's never him making plans for the future or anything that implies he wants something more serious. I believe he may be manipulative at times when I talk to him but I always confront him. So if i don't get what I want he's out no sense in wasting time. I'm happy with him but I did have a feeling of doubt when we are exclusive only because he's claiming to be a type of person to jump into relationships and taking a chance yet he is distant. Going to give it this weekend. I am glad people could fill me in. He's not getting my time or care if he doesn't step it up. Seems like he I'd ready for physical intimacy but didn't want a boyfriend title. I'm not making him but he is aware now glad I got some inner strength to tell him just the way it is. And I have known him for over a year we talked everyday as friends first. So it's not like he doesn't know me well enough not to be in a relationship. We have hung out before.
Jannah Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 All of your perspectives are enlightening. I have not done the deed with this guy. I just slept over. I know I deserve more of a commitment which is why I told him what I wanted open and honestly. I did feel like he was trying to make me into an arrangement for him. Basically I called him out but I'm not expecting him to come out and say he wants a relationship. I will let his actions do the bidding her but we have been pretty close. Carhil what u say seems true. He acts like he is all about me when I'm with him but it's never him making plans for the future or anything that implies he wants something more serious. I believe he may be manipulative at times when I talk to him but I always confront him. So if i don't get what I want he's out no sense in wasting time. I'm happy with him but I did have a feeling of doubt when we are exclusive only because he's claiming to be a type of person to jump into relationships and taking a chance yet he is distant. Going to give it this weekend. I am glad people could fill me in. He's not getting my time or care if he doesn't step it up. Seems like he I'd ready for physical intimacy but didn't want a boyfriend title. I'm not making him but he is aware now glad I got some inner strength to tell him just the way it is. And I have known him for over a year we talked everyday as friends first. So it's not like he doesn't know me well enough not to be in a relationship. We have hung out before. In your other thread, you said the two of you "slept together". Now, you say that you slept together, as in "sleeping" (i.e. you slept over). So, you both agreed to be exclusive and aren't physically intimate yet. Is that the gist of it?
Author Lucky555 Posted December 3, 2010 Author Posted December 3, 2010 In your other thread, you said the two of you "slept together". Now, you say that you slept together, as in "sleeping" (i.e. you slept over). So, you both agreed to be exclusive and aren't physically intimate yet. Is that the gist of it? We are physically intimate but have not dine the deed. So it's exclusive and he knew prior to be being with him that I wanted a realationship so I presumed this was the beginning to our relationship but obviously not since he views things differently
Jannah Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 We are physically intimate but have not dine the deed. So it's exclusive and he knew prior to be being with him that I wanted a realationship so I presumed this was the beginning to our relationship but obviously not since he views things differently Got it. Okay so this brings me back to my initial question. How long were the two of you exclusive up until the sh*t technically hit the fan?
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