New Here (very long sorry)

[criket]

Hi everyone,

 

As it says in the title I am new to this site (well any of these types of sites). A bit of background info, my xH and I got married young I was 19 he was 24. We have 4 great kids together. We've had lots of problems over the years. He is an alcoholic (recovering now) with some other minor mental problems from being military. I haven't exactly been a great wife either. I tried for years to be patient and tolerant but in the end I failed miserably.

 

Almost 2 years ago I started a new job with an old friend (never anything more than that in the past) he was married with kids and I was married with kids. He became my best friend and confidant. Eventually things went farther, as they always do. We admitted to love about 4 months into our relationship. It was working out quite well because no one suspected. (for 16 months actually) His family and my family hung out together, the kids played together. We made that happen so we could be together in as normal a situation as we could manage. (yes we know we are scumbags) We both knew where the lines were and that this was all we could ever have. While he tried to excess to make his wife happy during this time, I went the opposite way. I didn't want my husband to touch me or anything. I was very angry with him for our past problems and feeling guilty about what I was doing.

 

Anyway... we just couldn't stop being together. Even went on a vacation together with our respective spouses. As with most affairs, we got caught. My xH walked in afterwards when the only thing left to do up was a belt and that was proof enough. He made certain we knew that he would out us to everyone and proceeded to do just that. I looked at my love and told him to do whatever he had to do fix things at home. He did. He answered every question she asked and endured a week of hell while she monitered his every movement and insisted he watch her grieve so he would be able to see the pain he had caused.

 

My marriage was over and as far as I was concerned had been for a long time. Still though my xH made me go downstairs and tell our 2 older children (teenagers) what I had done. All of a sudden he felt vindicated. It didn't matter all the stuff I had to put up with over the years, the break up of our marriage was all my fault.

 

Anyway... during that first week I was in agony. I didn't get to speak with my lover at all and so had no idea what he was going through or if he was ok. Then we were finally provided a time and place to talk. He told me he loved me and we cried. Next night we went out for drinks and he told me he knew what he wanted and that was me. He just needed to stick to his decision. I told him that I didn't want him leaving his wife for me because one day down the road he might wish he hadn't done that. He said he was doing this because his marriage wasn't happy. We were happy and actually able to go out in public (granted still not comfortable in our small town).

 

Then something happened, Guilt hit him like a lead weight. He started thinking about what his wife was feeling and how lonely she must be with him gone from the house. It coincided nicely with Thanksgiving weekend (October) and his BDay and the first weekend he was to have his kids for the entire weekend. Anyway... he melted down. Major emotional meltdown. He ended up going back with her briefly (about a week). I knew he wasn't doing well and headed towards a train wreck and consequently I melted down very shortly after he did. I got on a plane and ran away. I went back to where I grew up for 5 or 6 days (the trip is a blur). The next day I hear that he ran away too. Only in the opposite direction. The day I came home, he did too.

 

A couple of days later, we are still very uncertain about where we are in our relationship. His wife and him are going to councelling to sort stuff out. I'm not sure what the thought was on that but it didn't last.

 

Anyway... after one appointment she hauls him into a place where she knows that I will be (activity for my kid). Tells him I'm not there someone else took care of my child and I wasnt' there. So in they come together (their child is also there). I felt like a cheap sleaze. It was determined that she set him up since she knew I was there. She had several reasons to do it. 1. To make him look like an ******* (success everyone there thought he was) 2. to mark her property (success there's no doubt now is there) and 3. to make me feel like crap. (didn't work quite as well. I felt terrible yes but there was some unexpected support there for me. His Sister)

 

I met him after the activity and told him how I felt and he appologized. He truely believed her when she said I wasnt' there. We made up and he said he would tell her he wasn't coming home. About 3 days later he froze. He went into a type of paralysis and now he is so afraid to make a decision and figure out what he wants and what will make everyone happy.

 

Anyway... he decides he needs time to figure himself out. By now we are all medicated and I've lost at least 30lbs he's also on the forced stress diet. Cant eat, cant sleep, in a constant state of panic. It has been 3 months since the A was found out and about a month and a half since he decided he is too scared to make a decision.

 

He is a really really nice guy. Wonderful, caring, loving etc... I told him I wouldn't go anywhere unless he told me to (he needs someone who tells him the nice things about himself that he needs to hear) but I''m getting so frustrated and tired of all of this. We are still intimate (cant' seem to be helped there's electricity) He calls or txts me in the middle of the night and we talk for hours.

 

Problem is that usually he spends the first part of the night back at his house putting the kids to bed then visiting with her. I'm not sure where their relationship is because he doesn't talk about that with me anymore. I am sitting here waiting because I love him and we are happy when we are together. and he can't decide what to do. His wife is emotionally abusive (I've seen it many times). When she found out she went to town and told anyone who would listen and told them loudly and nastily. She has finally calmed down but he is afraid if he tells her he doesn't want to come back she will freak out again and put herself and himself through emotional hell. (quite a likely possibility)

 

He also knows that if he choses to go back to her, he will lose his business (since she won't let him work with me), his relationships with his extended family would be very strained if not non-existant since she hates his family now (they've been a rock for me) and he knows that I will leave.

 

He is between a rock and a hard place and everyone involved is getting hurt in the meantime. How do I get through this. I love him and have only small doubts that he will eventually tell her he isn't coming back (he moved back home with his parents for now) but it doesn't feel right.

 

I feel like I am still second choice when he calls me in the middle of the night or we meet in the middle of the night. In the past week we have been together 5 out of 7 nights and talked on the phone the other 2 nights.

 

I feel like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster and I want off but I am terrified of losing him. We work so well together and we know each other so well. Everyone sees the connection we tried so hard to hide (failed miserably appartently) My xH actually said that even he could see the connection and if his wife thought she was going to be able to stop it she was crazy.

 

What am I doing? Why am I putting myself through this? I am afraid of going out in town because I don't want to run into her or anyone else actually who may look at me with distaste. Hiding is getting old though and I'm going to have to get back out there again one day. She is keeping the children from playing together and my youngest is still (after 3 months) asking why she can't play with her friends. Really really messy situation.

 

Tonight he hasn't called or txted and I am panicky. I know he is over there with her and it hurts. Much like it probably hurts her to know when he is with me. Why am I doing this??

 

Thanks for listening,

Criket

[criket]

My my children are 16, 13, 9 and 5. The older ones are aware of the situation and they seem to be adjusting well. My younger ones of course just think that Dad and I can't get along and live in seperate houses. My oldest was actually glad that Dad and I seperated. She is smart enough to know what has been going on for years with Dad and I.

 

My xH did his fair share of information spreading in the first couple of weeks after DD. Now I think he is hiding just like the rest of us.

 

I was really concerned about how my children would react but so far so good. I know it's only been 3 months but I haven't noticed any changes in their behavior. I've been to the schools and alerted the teachers and councellors to be aware of the situation.

[TigerCub]

Hey Criket,

 

WOW - you're story sure is a messy one, but its not much different than a lot of other stories here.

 

I am sorry for your pain, and I truly do understand what that feels like.

 

I'm at the phase after ending an affair and right now I just see so many lies and so many bad qualities in my xMM, that I'm kind of at the disgusted phase.

Yes I cared about him a lot, but he's a compulsive liar.

 

I wont tell you to go NC with your guy, but I will propose that you ask yourself a few questions?

 

1) Has your MM lied to you before? - even if you don't have evidence of it, where there times that you doubted what he said, and doubted his honesty?

 

2) If he left his wife for you, would you trust him not to cheat on you when the road gets rough in your R?

 

3) Would your kids be ok with having him around if he and you ended up together?

 

4) He has kids with his W, that ties them together FOREVER, do you really want that? Do you want to have that woman in your life especially if he chooses you over her?

 

5) Finally, what if he never makes a decision, how long are you willing to wait on the sidelines? Is that good enough for you?

 

I know the hurt of the A and I do sympathize with you, but I also know that waiting for someone to choose me was not good for my self esteem at all, and I'm a very confident person to begin with - hanging on and wasting time waiting for something that may never happen isn't good.

 

If after you HONESTLY answer the questions above (to yourself) and you still feel its worth it to wait it out - then do what you feel is right, as long as your kids are still your priority.

 

If after answering the questions you see that you can't really live with the outcome/struggle - then you have your answer and maybe it would be time to move on.

 

Good luck

[Owl]

Criket...my suggestion would be to focus on fixing the things that are in YOUR span of control.

 

You call your H an "ex-H".

 

Are you divorced now? If not...what's happening to make this occur? Seperation? Is your H on track with divorcing/etc...?

 

I'd recommend focusing yourself on finalizing that process, establishing yourself on your own, and helping your kids through all of this change.

 

Put this "other relationship" on hold while that's going on...but set the expectation with him that he's doing something similar on his side so that the two of you are both truly free to explore a relationship together in the future.

[YellowShark]

He is a really really nice guy. Wonderful, caring, loving etc...

 

First of all criket I am sorry to hear what you are going through. It is the same story heard 10,000 times here on Loveshack. But here comes some tough love.

 

Really nice guy? Wonderful? Caring? Loving? That is how you describe a man who threw his wife and family under a bus to cheat with you? Is that how you'd describe your husband if he had done that to you and the kids? Really?

 

Time to pull your head out of the sand. People who betray their wives and children by sleeping with other married people are not nice, wonderful, OR caring. That is a mask they put on especially for you. It's a face they wear especially for you.. to seduce you, yet their actions - (cheating on their wife and betraying their family) - are actually very "un-wonderful," selfish, cruel, and not very loving at all.

 

But lets say you two run off into the sunset together criket... what's to say he would not do the very same thing to you eventually? If he'll do it with you, he'll do it to you.

 

His wife and him are going to councelling to sort stuff out. I'm not sure what the thought was on that but it didn't last.

 

We are still intimate (cant' seem to be helped there's electricity) He calls or txts me in the middle of the night and we talk for hours.

 

So MM and his wife went to counseling to fix the damage the affair caused.. and yet you two are still intimate. Let's say you were his wife and he did that. Are those still the actions of a really really nice guy who is wonderful, caring, loving?

 

He is between a rock and a hard place and everyone involved is getting hurt in the meantime.

 

Sadly neither of you were thinking at all about the shrapnel that would fly out in every direction once the affair was exposed. People in affairs rarely do. Two families destroyed. It's so sad. Especially since children are involved. You are in limbo and crushed, MM is living at his parents house and melting down. Kids are sad and can't play with each other anymore. They miss their daddy and mommy is upset and heartbroken. What an absolute mess.

 

What am I doing? Why am I putting myself through this? I am afraid of going out in town because I don't want to run into her or anyone else actually who may look at me with distaste. Hiding is getting old though and I'm going to have to get back out there again one day. She is keeping the children from playing together and my youngest is still (after 3 months) asking why she can't play with her friends. Really really messy situation.

 

What are you doing? You are living the reality of the aftermath of an affair that should have never happened. The "affair fog" has lifted and the consequences of your affair are now evident. I am sad you have to go through this but perhaps it is a big life lesson why affairs are so toxic and unhealthy.

 

I know he is over there with her and it hurts. Much like it probably hurts her to know when he is with me.

 

No it hurts her far worse than it's hurting you. He made a vow to her and then threw her under a bus to have sex and get emotionally involved with you. She probably thought of you as a friend, and her friend threw her under a bus to screw her husband behind her back. She has lost her husband, her family, AND a friend. So trust me, she is hurting far worse than you.

 

Anyhow that's enough tough love.

 

All I can say is seek counselling for yourself and try to find your way off this unhealthy and toxic path that you have found yourself on. You should not be with or speak with MM until he has signed divorce papers in his hand.. or you will always feel like leftovers. He can't be with you 100% until he has addressed his clear and present issues concerning his wife and family.

 

Concentrate on healing and your kids, those are the two priorities in your life, not a married man. ok?

 

Best of luck.

Edited December 2, 2010 by YellowShark
add a "t"

[bentnotbroken]

Wow! His wife did the same set up type of thing as you and he did but she has an ulterior motive, like you two didn't. She has ever right to set her boundaries and if he doesn't like them...go be with you. If he is going to be a coward about making decisions, then she should treat him like the child he is behaving like.

 

He either needs a mommy to tell him what to do(wife) or a mommy to tell him what a wonderful great guy he really is(you) You and the wife are second and third choice...because he is his number 1.

[Confused4Now]

Criket...my suggestion would be to focus on fixing the things that are in YOUR span of control.

 

You call your H an "ex-H".

 

Are you divorced now? If not...what's happening to make this occur? Seperation? Is your H on track with divorcing/etc...?

 

I'd recommend focusing yourself on finalizing that process, establishing yourself on your own, and helping your kids through all of this change.

Put this "other relationship" on hold while that's going on...but set the expectation with him that he's doing something similar on his side so that the two of you are both truly free to explore a relationship together in the future.

This is the best advice for your situation now....focus on yourself and your home situation. Leave MM's drama behind you for now.

Like other poster said....these things have a very low probably of making it. The only thing you can count on is yourself right now.

[4321sn]

Hey Criket,

 

WOW - you're story sure is a messy one, but its not much different than a lot of other stories here.

 

I am sorry for your pain, and I truly do understand what that feels like.

 

I'm at the phase after ending an affair and right now I just see so many lies and so many bad qualities in my xMM, that I'm kind of at the disgusted phase.

Yes I cared about him a lot, but he's a compulsive liar.

 

I wont tell you to go NC with your guy, but I will propose that you ask yourself a few questions?

 

1) Has your MM lied to you before? - even if you don't have evidence of it, where there times that you doubted what he said, and doubted his honesty?

 

2) If he left his wife for you, would you trust him not to cheat on you when the road gets rough in your R?

 

3) Would your kids be ok with having him around if he and you ended up together?

 

4) He has kids with his W, that ties them together FOREVER, do you really want that? Do you want to have that woman in your life especially if he chooses you over her?

 

5) Finally, what if he never makes a decision, how long are you willing to wait on the sidelines? Is that good enough for you?

 

I know the hurt of the A and I do sympathize with you, but I also know that waiting for someone to choose me was not good for my self esteem at all, and I'm a very confident person to begin with - hanging on and wasting time waiting for something that may never happen isn't good.

 

If after you HONESTLY answer the questions above (to yourself) and you still feel its worth it to wait it out - then do what you feel is right, as long as your kids are still your priority.

 

If after answering the questions you see that you can't really live with the outcome/struggle - then you have your answer and maybe it would be time to move on.

 

Good luck

 

Just wanted to say Great Post...Thought provoking questions.

[4321sn]

Really nice guy? Wonderful? Caring? Loving? That is how you describe a man who threw his wife and family under a bus to cheat with you? Is that how you'd describe your husband if he had done that to you and the kids? Really?

 

Time to pull your head out of the sand. People who betray their wives and children by sleeping with other married people are not nice, wonderful, OR caring. That is a mask they put on especially for you. It's a face they wear especially for you.. to seduce you, yet their actions - (cheating on their wife and betraying their family) - are actually very "un-wonderful," selfish, cruel, and not very loving at all.

 

I think you are forgetting that she also cheated and is married. I am currently having a year and a half long affair. Left my H, MM is currently ending his M as well. I think that I am a VERY nice, wonderful caring person. I did a "thing" that was far from nice, wonderful and caring but that is not WHO I am. It doesnt define who I am as a human being. I am a good mother, a loyal friend, and a good partner to the right person. What I did was wrong but all affairs are not cookie cutters...All people who have affairs and not "cruel". Many are lost and misguided perhaps...

 

I recently read "when Good People have affairs". Does not excuse or applaud people who cheat but explains why people end up where they do and what leads them to the place where they end up in an affair...

Edited December 2, 2010 by 4321sn
type o

[4321sn]

My MM was in MC...Was afraid to come out and teel her he wanted a divorce. He was married for 18 years. He struggled for well over a year to tell her...a month ago they began theraoy...Went to 4 sessions and he finally told her it was over-

 

I was in MC as well. Went to 3 sessions, then I told my H it was over. Sometimes if the marriage is beyond repair but the person is too afraid to end it, or is unsure going to MC moves things along...One way or another

[4321sn]

Op

like confused said-try to put your focus on working on things on your end. It will give you a sense of being in control since u can not control what happens on his end.

It does not sound like they will be able to repair the marriage be aide it seems as if he is not interested. I think he is mourning the loss of his marriage, and is concerned for his kids but seems like he has no interest in her. Sit back. Don't put your life on hold. support him only if it is not too difficult for you. Work on yourself. This will all work itself out and there is nothing u can do at this point but to be patient while he sorts through this. Believe me the MC will only serve to speed things up if infact the marriage is over...

[YellowShark]

I am currently having a year and a half long affair. Left my H, MM is currently ending his M as well. I think that I am a VERY nice, wonderful caring person. I did a "thing" that was far from nice, wonderful and caring but that is not WHO I am.

 

A year and a half is a very long time to be in an affair with a married man. So it is who you are.

 

I mean no disrepect but I feel a year and half long affair with a married person does define someone. That's a very long time to remain deceitful, and to maintain a lie to everyone around you. You are also a willing partner in betraying the vows made between the married man and his wife. I just couldn't help a married person do that. I would ask the married man to come be with me when he is single, and truly available. Cause if he'll do it with you 4321sn, he'll do it to you.

 

I am a good mother, a loyal friend, and a good partner to the right person.

 

That may be true. But a year and a half long affair with someone who is married taints all those good qualities 4321sn. If I was someone's wife I personally couldn't trust you around my husband since you have been in an affair for a year and a half with someone who is married.

 

What I did was wrong but all affairs are not cookie cutters...All people who have affairs and not "cruel". Many are lost and misguided perhaps...

 

On that we agree.

 

I recently read "when Good People have affairs". Does not excuse or applaud people who cheat but explains why people end up where they do and what leads them to the place where they end up in an affair...

 

There are times when a person is in a relationship that is unhealthy or abusive so they reach out to others for comfort and safety. Everyone wants to be loved, and everyone deserves safety. But at some point one has to take ownership for their lives and admit to themselves that hooking up with a married person is not true love, it's a port in a storm. Maybe 1 times out of 10 the affair partners walk off happy into the sunset together, 9 times out of 10 it ends up like criket's story above.

 

So that is why when criket describes her married affair partner who is being intimate with her while going to couples therapy with his wife as a "really really nice guy, wonderful, caring, loving etc..." I have to wake her up out of the affair fog and challenge her to rethink her fantasy.

[criket]

 

Thank you 4321sn for trying to remind people that I was also married at the time of the affair. We were BOTH married at the time. Yes my marriage was in very hot water and I should have ended it but I wasn't brave enough to do it.

 

It seems there is alot of crap being dumped on my MM's head when what you guys say about him also applies to me. Yes what we did was deceitful and we lied to alot of people. That doesn't make either one of us bad people.

 

We fell in love. It happens. It wasn't the ideal situation but it happens.

 

I don't like that people on here automatically assume that he is a bad person to have done this to his family, that would make me bad also since I did it to mine. You can't see how hard this is for him or me. You can't see the guilt we live with everyday knowing the hurt we've caused.

 

The posts Ive read so far make the MM out to be a creep who cares only for himself. Sure there are guys like that but there are also guys who would never have thought they'd have an affair. They didn't go out purposely to cheat on their wives, it just happened. There are guys out there who have morals and don't want to hurt people.

 

No one knows either one of us. We could be the nicest people in the world.

[BB07]

You are being defensive and yes I get that because you feel that you are being crucified a bit, but actually you've gotten some good advice and maybe open your mind and really listen to it. Oh and that phrase "It just happened" won't fly here criket. You'll soon learn that gets people fired up, especially former or current betrayed spouses and really if you should think about it, it didn't just happened. You both choose to have an affair so nothing just happened.

 

Anyway it sound like you are in a lot of pain and feel that it's self inflicted, so I would suggest you go back and read Owl's advice again and again. It's not judgmental or harsh but it just solid good advice.

 

Also you might want to rethink that pedestal that you have your mm on, he IS jerking two women around, right?

[woinlove]

 

Thank you 4321sn for trying to remind people that I was also married at the time of the affair. We were BOTH married at the time. Yes my marriage was in very hot water and I should have ended it but I wasn't brave enough to do it.

 

It seems there is alot of crap being dumped on my MM's head when what you guys say about him also applies to me. Yes what we did was deceitful and we lied to alot of people. That doesn't make either one of us bad people.

 

We fell in love. It happens. It wasn't the ideal situation but it happens.

 

I don't like that people on here automatically assume that he is a bad person to have done this to his family, that would make me bad also since I did it to mine. You can't see how hard this is for him or me. You can't see the guilt we live with everyday knowing the hurt we've caused.

 

The posts Ive read so far make the MM out to be a creep who cares only for himself. Sure there are guys like that but there are also guys who would never have thought they'd have an affair. They didn't go out purposely to cheat on their wives, it just happened. There are guys out there who have morals and don't want to hurt people.

 

No one knows either one of us. We could be the nicest people in the world.

 

What is your definition of nice? I think nice people treat other people well.

 

A while back a MW posted here asking advice about whether she and her MM should arrange for the two couples to all be friends so she and her MM could more easily spend time together. No one advised her to do this, and many told her how incredibly cruel this would be to the betrayed spouses and how it was likely to blow up in her face. It was easy to give that advice, because it was so obvious. I don't recall her mentioning any children. Had she mentioned children, I think people would be even more emphatic about the cruelty and risk to the children.

 

When you made the decision to bring your two families together to bolster your affair, either you blocked all this out and didn't think about your children or spouse or you decided that your time with MM was more important to you than protecting your children from this risk. But, what is done is done. Whether posters think you are nice or not is a lot less important than figuring out what you are going to do to get to a position where you can start focusing on your children and on creating a happy and stimulating environment for them. All this time agonizing over your MM and his W takes away from that.

[bentnotbroken]

 

Thank you 4321sn for trying to remind people that I was also married at the time of the affair. We were BOTH married at the time. Yes my marriage was in very hot water and I should have ended it but I wasn't brave enough to do it.

 

It seems there is alot of crap being dumped on my MM's head when what you guys say about him also applies to me. Yes what we did was deceitful and we lied to alot of people. That doesn't make either one of us bad people.

 

We fell in love. It happens. It wasn't the ideal situation but it happens.

 

I don't like that people on here automatically assume that he is a bad person to have done this to his family, that would make me bad also since I did it to mine. You can't see how hard this is for him or me. You can't see the guilt we live with everyday knowing the hurt we've caused.

 

The posts Ive read so far make the MM out to be a creep who cares only for himself. Sure there are guys like that but there are also guys who would never have thought they'd have an affair. They didn't go out purposely to cheat on their wives, it just happened. There are guys out there who have morals and don't want to hurt people.

 

No one knows either one of us. We could be the nicest people in the world.

 

 

It "just" happened so many times that the two of you orchestrated situations for both your families to be together so you could hide behind the guise of friendship. It "just" happened so many times that he didn't have the big brass ones to tell her but to have relations with you. It "just" happened so much that he lied on a regular basis to cover his mess.

 

There might be guys out there with morals, but his actions say he isn't one in this particular circumstance.

 

\

[whichwayisup]

Sorry, but it didn't just happen. You two organized get togethers so you could be together as families. It may not have been malciously planned, but most definately selfishly!

 

The posts Ive read so far make the MM out to be a creep who cares only for himself. Sure there are guys like that but there are also guys who would never have thought they'd have an affair. They didn't go out purposely to cheat on their wives, it just happened. There are guys out there who have morals and don't want to hurt people

 

Affairs don't just happen..over and over and over again. IT is a choice. You and your MM continually made the choice to cheat and have an affair. It wasn't a ONS, an oops, this was a huge and stupid mistake - It was an active choice to knowingly betray, lie, sneak, hide, cheat behind your spouses backs.

 

Anyway, your MM is confused and doesn't know what he wants. He put himself in this situation and now he needs to choose. He may do what is best for himself, or may do what is best for the kids and his wife. Time will tell.

 

My suggestion is for you to focus on your own kids and helping them through your own family split up and help them heal, let your MM do what he needs to do. this is out of your hands, you get no say nor any control over what happens now, unless you have the jewels to confront his wife and tell her you're going to do everything possible to take him from her so he'll be yours.

[Carrot2000]

 

Thank you 4321sn for trying to remind people that I was also married at the time of the affair. We were BOTH married at the time. Yes my marriage was in very hot water and I should have ended it but I wasn't brave enough to do it.

 

It seems there is alot of crap being dumped on my MM's head when what you guys say about him also applies to me. Yes what we did was deceitful and we lied to alot of people. That doesn't make either one of us bad people.

 

We fell in love. It happens. It wasn't the ideal situation but it happens.

 

I don't like that people on here automatically assume that he is a bad person to have done this to his family, that would make me bad also since I did it to mine. You can't see how hard this is for him or me. You can't see the guilt we live with everyday knowing the hurt we've caused.

 

The posts Ive read so far make the MM out to be a creep who cares only for himself. Sure there are guys like that but there are also guys who would never have thought they'd have an affair. They didn't go out purposely to cheat on their wives, it just happened. There are guys out there who have morals and don't want to hurt people.

 

No one knows either one of us. We could be the nicest people in the world.

 

I agree that a lot has been heaped on MM's head when the truth is that what you both did was hella f*cked up and a lot of people have been hurt because of your actions. It was only a matter of time before some of that pain got spread around and landed in your lap.

 

From your post it seems you were clear that your marriage was over even before the affair and the discovery of this relationship gave you the courage to finally leave. You didn't mention anything about the state of MM's marriage, but it sounds like things at home were not as awful for him as they were for you and he's not sure ending his marriage is the right decision.

 

The only advice I can give is that you stop having sex with this man while he's in MC. As long as you're intimately involved, he's going to keep flip-flopping between the two and causing more pain because of his indecision, and you're going to become even more emotionally attached to him. Place your energy on formally ending your marriage and making sure your kids are adjusting well (he's not having sleepovers, is he?). Your kids may seem okay, but after growing up with an alcoholic father and now this, there's no way they're going to come out of this unscathed. Your priority should be on making sure they are secure, not making sure your relationship with someone else's husband is secure.

 

This man may be your lifeline, but you are your kid's lifeline and they deserve nothing less than your full attention.

Edited December 3, 2010 by Carrot2000