Fern Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 I dreamt last night that X and I were back together. It took me a minute on waking up to remember we’d even split. I felt strange, but not gut-wrenchingly awful. Which is a good sign given the meltdown I had on Tuesday when I had to phone one of my best mates and sob down the phone at her for 40 minutes. In my dream I had just returned from a trip away somewhere (I think I’d been away for a while) and we were both living in what seemed to be my parent’s house. My parents were away and he’d had a party. He also had tattoos. (which he doesn’t have in real life) Quite a few tattoos, including one on his face. (An online dream interpretation site suggested that ‘To see tattoos on those around you is meant to warn you. Someone in your waking life will soon become jealous of you and what you have achieved’). Make of that what you will. In the dream I was searching for him around the house trying to get some time with him and some attention and he was behaving just as he would have when we were together – disinterested without actually being rude. I reckon it was a lot like the baby dream I had recently (in which he turned into a giant baby after being really obnoxious to me and I was forced to look after him because I couldn’t leave a baby outside with strangers! That dream taught me a lot about what my unconscious really felt about having to look after him all the time…) - it was like the baby dream in that I know my subconscious was trying to tell me something. Or rather, remind me of something this time – that the behaviour I put up with from him wasn’t normal or OK. He didn’t treat me amazingly or terribly in the dream – he treated me very much the way he used to treat me in our relationship and I didn’t feel awful or amazing, I felt that low level dissatisfaction and unease that I had become used to feeling whilst with him. It was emotionally very realistic. It reminded me that I actually haven’t lost that much. Just because I got used to my treatment didn’t mean it was acceptable. The dream reminded me that people shouldn’t treat the ones they love like that. Like they’re a hassle/inconvenience. I think my subconscious is helping me to come to terms with this being really over now using my dreams. Breaking the attachment I still feel to him after 6 years together. I’m beginning to see that that’s all this pain is. Attachment. Not love in any sense that I understand the word – just attachment. I deserve better than what he had to offer me. And as bad as I feel - I just swapped one constant feeling of unease for another. I'm reminded that I didn’t do anything to warrant the way he treated me – that’s just the person he is and he’s still the same person with this new girl. She’ll not get any better treatment at his hands eventually. I’m not worse than her in any way. My brain is helping me to become indifferent. I’m beginning to suspect that, deep down, what I’m afraid of and feel cut up over isn’t the loss of him, it is just that I’m terrified I’m never going to have a relationship. I sometimes think now that the only reason I got together with X in the first place was fear that I was getting over the hill or something. We got together when I was 26 and hadn’t had a proper relationship in a LONG time. I really wanted a boyfriend back then. But back then I was in a very different place, I was back at school after changing careers and very unsure of my future and younger and a bit lost. I’m not that girl anymore. And before I was that girl, I was single FOREVER. Happily single. Deliriously, having a ball, who needs men type single. I’m not saying I didn’t love him. I did. But I grew to love him from being pretty indifferent to him. I think I made a conscious DECISION to love him. When I first met him I quite arrogantly thought I could ‘do better’. Then I saw potential in him and tried to fix him and help him become the man I thought he could be. It must have been difficult for him too being with a little bitch like me. I suspect now that he often felt like he wasn’t good enough for me. I’d have done anything to make it work, but he wasn’t there yet, I doubt he ever saw a future for us and I was so desperate not to be alone I put up with being miserable instead. What if there is noone out there for me? Well so what? What if there isn’t? I can be single and happy. I'm beginning to vividly remember the days when I was single and happy. And I hadn’t a fraction of the good fortune then that I have now. I’ve a good job, a roof over my head, good friends, a lovely family, lots of disposable income since I stopped supporting him. So what if there ISN’T a relationship in my future? Worst case scenario is I’m single for the rest of my life. If I can get rid of this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach (ATTACHMENT) – then I think I could be quite content being single. I’ve no stresses now apart from this ‘heartbreak’ thing. What am I really missing out on? If I want sex I can go out and get sex. I live with my best friend so I have companionship. I have a good social life on tap. My physiological reaction to my breakup from X (anxiety, empty feeling in chest etc) is still bothering me a little bit but I’m working on it. I’m doing breathing exercises to calm me down and visualisations to break my negative thought patterns. I’m staying strict NC with very little effort. I’m working on my self esteem issues from subconsciously blaming myself for his behaviour all these years. I’m looking at the mistakes I made too and accepting my own not inconsiderable flaws. I’m becoming a better person. He still has all the issues he ever had, he just has them with someone new now. In a few months I’ll be like a new, healthier, happier, better person and he’ll still be him. Now if I could get to the stage where I don't think about him and his new GF constantly - that'd be GREAT.
b_rouse Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 I know exactly how you feel! Even though I haven't dreamt of my ex, I'm beginning to believe the reason I want him back is because he was such a gentleman. I keep thinking I'm never going to find a guy like that! Slowly my feelings for him are diminishing, as are yours, and yeah, you can't shake off these feelings because he was a big part of your life (as my ex was to mine)! You're doing all the right things, and slowly you'll get better, and realize you don't need him. And you will find that somebody who you except and won't change like you tried with your ex. I'm a strong believer that things happen for a reason, and I think the reason for my break up is to look at how I treat people. I know I didn't give my all in my last relationship, I made him feel insignificant because I was slowly becoming a work-a-holic (I'm only 19, so I was in the making of one). When he told me this, it really changed my insight on myself. Now I know what I did was wrong, and I've accepted it and have changed (I changed my major too). In break ups, you should always have something positive you can take away from it. You should also learn a little something about yourself (whether good or bad) that you never knew, and grow from that. Good luck! :]
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